Hand in Hand
by Procrastinator-starting2moro
Summary: Enemies James Potter and Lily Evans' hands are stuck together by James' fellow Marauders...mainly Sirius's idea. Read the story of how they discover love is the heart of acceptance and hate is the heart of denial. Includes nifflers and Marauder fun.
1. Shouting Partners

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing

_**Hand in Hand**_

**Chapter 1: Shouting Partners**

"Just tell me the damn spell, Evans!" James shouted for the hundredth time at the redhead.

"No way, not after the stupid prank you did on me, Potter! Work it out for yourself!" Lily screamed back at him.

James smiled innocently, trying to keep a straight face. "I don't know what you mean..."

"_Don't know what I mean_!"

_Oh God, here she goes, _James thought bitterly.

"Potter, look at my face! Just look at it! It's _green_! _Green_! And my hair, courtesy of _you,_ is also _green_! Can't you see that something is wrong here? I look like a plant from one of the greenhouses!"

James tried to stifle a laugh. Lily was certainly right; her once fiery red hair was now emerald green along with her face, which showed a permanent unwell look, matching with her already vibrant green eyes.

"You tell me the spell to get all this green crap off me!"

"No way Evans!" James roared. "What I did to you wasn't that bad. My reputation is ruined because of you! Everyone thinks I'm bloody gay!"

"Hmm, I wonder why." Lily smiled evilly as she looked at the cocky James Potter's clothes, which had been drastically changed thanks to her. The first thing that came to her mind was the colour _pink_. James was sporting a stunning, fluorescent pink robe accompanied by a flashing sign at the back showing the words "I AM GAY!" complete with his new pink glasses and bright rosy cheeks. It was rather a horrifying sight.

"You don't know how bad it is for me! I got a few winks off some sixth year guys and I _swear _some guy felt my arse!"

Mentioning this, James thought Lily would take pity on him and tell him the reverse spell. Unfortunately she didn't, and the news only made Lily laugh at the thought of some guy winking at James and feeling him up.

"Stop laughing! Look at me! It'll be months before the ladies forget this. I'm supposed to be one of the hottest guys in Hogwarts!"

Lily snorted at this. "Yeah, whatever you say, gay boy..."

James glared at her icily.

"And what makes matters worse, is that I can't even get this bloody robe off! It somehow glued to me!" James tried pulling the sleeves of the astonishingly pink robe off his arms, practically wrestling with the clothing. It seemed the more he struggled, the tighter the robe clung to him. "Arghh! Damn it!" he cursed, as trying to rip the robe only resulted in him stumbling backwards over a common room chair and landed painfully on the floor, which was not cushioned for his comfort. This only made Lily laugh even harder as she clutched her stomach. James stood up, frustrated.

"Just tell me the damn spell!"

"No! Not until you tell me the spell to get me back to normal again!"

"You were never normal, Evans! You're bloody crazy!"

James' comment did nothing to lighten Lily's mood; she was fuming. Her eyes blazed in fury as she advanced towards James with her arms out ready to strangle him.

With a loud shriek, she declared, "I'm so going to hurt you, Potter!"

However, before she could get her hands around his neck to cause much pain, someone had grabbed her by the waist from behind, pulling her back.

James breathed a sigh of relief, "Padfoot! Thank Merlin! Thanks mate."

Sirius Black struggled with all his might as he picked Lily up from the waist, dragging her back, trying to lengthen the distance between the enemies. His black ebony hair fell over his eyes conveniently in the process. Many girls sitting in the common room swooned, sick with envy as Sirius had picked up Lily, now manically kicking out her arms and legs, all the while shouting "Lemme go Black!"

_God, she is strong for a girl,_ Sirius thought, as Lily nearly escaped from his arms.

"Thought she was going strangle you to death for a second there, gay boy," Sirius added to James. James was not amused. "Honestly Prongs, I'm one of your best mates and you didn't even tell me about your true self! I've got no problem with you being gay, though! Don't worry! You don't fancy me though, do you?" he joked, quite audibly, winking at James in the common room This did not only make heads turn but whispers occur, listening in on the conversation.

"Not you too, Padfoot, shut up."

Meanwhile, Lily was wailing her arms and legs in every direction trying to break free of Sirius' hold.

"Calm down Lily! Get a hold of yourself. You're supposed to be setting an example to the midgets!" Sirius told her, midgets meaning the younger first years who were watching them in horror. The words seemed to get through to Lily as she cooled down and stopped trying to knee Sirius in the groin area. Grudgingly, Sirius let her go, though was still afraid of James' safety. Lily walked back over to James, not physically hitting him in any way, but returned back to their shouting match.

_Oh bloody hell. _Sirius had thought maybe they'd stop arguing for a while but he was thoroughly mistaken. He watched them for a second before returning back to his seat on the chair by the fireplace in the common room; Remus Lupin sat quietly content reading a book next to Peter Pettigrew, the final Marauder to complete the four, eagerly waiting for Sirius to return to their game of Wizard chess.

Angry screams from Lily and James rang through Sirius' head, giving him a headache. He pressed his fingers to the temples of his head.

"Moony...?" Remus made no signs of attention to his name being called by Sirius. "Moony...?" He tried again, "Moony!" Sirius shouted his name for the third time as Remus appeared to be deaf, comfortably reading his book. Sirius got up from the chair he was sitting, went over to Remus and smacked him.

"_OW_! Padfoot! What was that for?" Remus questioned, rubbing the back of his head.

"I've been calling your name and you didn't answer me." Sirius told him, sulking like a small child. Remus looked at him blankly before removing something from his ears.

"Sorry mate, haven't heard a word you've said. I've been wearing ear plugs," Remus explained. He removed the pink ear plugs from his ears and showed them to Sirius.

"What the hell are ear pugs?" Sirius asked. He had never heard of an "ear pug", or whatever the hell they were called.

"Ear _plugs _Padfoot; they're a muggle thing. Stick them in your ears and it blocks out all noise." Remus motioned towards the arguing twosome, Lily and James in the corner bellowing at each other.

"You have _GOT_ to give me a pair of those." Sirius clutched his head in pain as his headache seemed to worsen every minute.

"They are really starting to annoy me, Moony. They won't ever shut up. Maybe if they stopped arguing they could tell that they would make a good couple and see they fancy each other." He stared and looked at the pair again; James was shouting in pain as Lily hit him on the head repeatedly with a thick Transfiguration book.

Remus winced. "That has to hurt," he commentated.

"I'm not sure you're right about them, Sirius. They're worst enemies. How can they fancy each other?" Peter asked in confusion.

"Oh I can tell," Sirius replied, tapping his nose trying to look intelligent and intellectual...and failing. "I think something is needed to be done, guys." Sirius grinned evilly.

"What exactly are you planning, Padfoot?" Remus asked. Sirius went into sadistic laugher, which made a few heads turn to look at him in the common room. He abruptly stopped.

"To find the perfect spell to get them together, and we need to do it tonight. I don't think I can take anymore of their daily—or should I say _hourly_ common room shouting matches. "

"To the library?" Remus presumed.

"As always. The forbidden section of course."

"Wait, we're going to need Prong's invisibility cloak, and he's arguing with Evans. We can't make him come or he'll know what we're up to," Peter started worriedly.

"Calm down Wormtail. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Leave it to me." Sirius got up from his seat and made his way to the boys' dormitory.

Passing James and Lily on the way, Sirius said to James, "Hey Prongs mate, gonna borrow your cloak aright? To...umm...get some food."

Sirius and the others always sneaked off to the kitchens for food after curfew. Hopefully James would believe him this was another one of those times. To Sirius' delight, neither James nor Lily seemed to know he was actually there as they continued screaming their lungs at each other.

"Tell me the damn spell Potter, or I'll—"

"Or what, Evans? Huh? What'll you do?"

Already Sirius had run up the stairs to the boys' dormitory, not being able to handle their screaming any longer. Their shouting was beginning to make him become deaf.

_And I need my ears and hearing to hear the gorgeous girls tell me how sexy I am, _Sirius thought smugly. He found James cloak in his wooden chest by the bed -_he should really hide it better- _and jumped down the stairs eagerly passing the bickering two again.

"Do you want me to turn _all_ your clothes pink, Potter! I swear I can do it!"

"Just tell me the spell or I'll turn you _all green_! And I mean _every_ part of your body!"

Sirius returned back to Remus and Peter by the fireplace. Remus had again returned to reading his book, sticking ear plus back in his ears.

"Moony...? Moony...? Moony!" Sirius shouted. _Fine, we'll do it the hard way, _he thought, as he smacked Remus on the back of the head for the second time that night.

"OW! Padfoot, will you cut that out!" Remus stuck out his bottom lip as he rubbed his head again.

"C'mon lets go," Sirius said keenly, motioning them to get up, "Prongs is still arguing with her so he won't notice a thing."

Peter and Remus followed Sirius, leaving the common room as Sirius threw the invisibility cloak over them and they headed off to the library. It was late and past curfew, but thanks to the cloak that didn't matter.

_Hehe, operation Get-Lily-and-James-Together has begun, _Sirius thought happily.

---------

"Padfoot, we've been looking for hours and we still haven't found this 'perfect' spell you want to get James and Lily together," Remus complained. He put back yet another book to the shelf of the forbidden section.

Sirius skimmed through the pages of another book. "Keep looking Moony, keep looking..."

"What about this?" Peter asked Sirius as he handed him a dark pink book engraved in gold the letters: 'Lavish Love Spells to mend Lonely Hearts!'

Sirius took once glance at the book before giving a sound of disgust and tossing it to the floor. "No, no, _no_, Wormtail. Love spells, come on, that is so second year. Love spells make me want to vomit." Sirius shook his head disappointedly at him.

"If you don't want a love spell to get them together, then whatever spell are we going to use?" Remus asked. This so called perfect spell Sirius was asking for seemed impossible to find.

"We want something that will bring them together no matter what the circumstances are, so they can't escape each other, so resulting in realising their deep love for one another," Sirius replied coolly.

"Wow Sirius, that was unusually deep for you. You sounded the teensiest bit intelligent and mature," Remus commented, mildly impressed.

"I know! James and Lily will thank me for this. I'm going to be best man at their wedding and they'll name their kids after me! Of course, the name 'Sirius' for a boy, and for a girl...um...Sirius-lina...?"

"Um...yeah, you lost it."

"Damn."

They continued looking through the mountains of books. It wasn't until 1am when Sirius finally discovered the absolute, flawless spell. He noticed the book out of the corner of his eye; it seemed to glow and shine in the gloomy darkness of the library. It beckoned him, almost as if alive and was calling him from afar.

He picked up the book; it had a maroon red cover, with no title or author. It seemed so mysterious. The minute he opened the book, the pages turned in its own accord. All the pages looked blank, moving until it finally settled on the page: the page of the perfect spell he'd been searching for.

"Got it," Sirius announced in glee, with eyes shining with mischief. "Let's get back to the common room. I'll explain the spell on the way."

Remus and Peter followed Sirius, their feet shuffling along with tiredness.

----------

The trio returned to the Gryffindor common room, quietly muttering the password to the painting of the Fat Lady before stepping inside. They'd expected the common room to be empty considering it was the early hour of the morning; to their delight, James and Lily were _still _bickering. They had somehow both gone back to normal, no signs of odd colours or fluorescent robes. Fatefully, their arguing was still rolling.

"You annoy the hell out of me, Potter! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"_I _leave _you_ alone? More like the other way round," James retorted.

_I'm surprised nobody stunned them, _Remus thought moodily.

The three observed the couple under the cloak.

"We should do it now," Peter whispered. "I want a good night's sleep. Or shall I say: morning nap."

"Okay Sirius, do it, then," Remus said touchily, looking nervous. "We're going to get in big trouble if James finds out though."

"He won't find out, okay? All we've got to do is like knock 'em out to do the spell. We can't stun them, though…Maybe we could hit them with a book or something," he pondered, stroking his chin.

"The same one Lily was hitting James with earlier?" Remus suggested. "That looked painful enough."

As they wondered how they could temporarily knock out their best friend and shouting partner, Peter pointed his wand towards the James and Lily, swishing it forward and saying out loud the spell, "_Soporato_."

The two both turned quickly at the sound of the voice, confused at the sight of nobody being there. Their mouths gaped in bewilderment.

"What the—"

"Huh—?"

Mutually, their eyes rolled back and they both fell backwards on to the common room floor with a painful thud.

"Maybe we should have put cushions down or something." Remus stated.

"Umm, yeah, didn't think about that. Anyway: well done Wormtail." Sirius removed the invisibility cloak shrouding them. He looked at James and Lily who were out cold, eyes closed and sleeping surprisingly peaceful considering the loud 'thud' noise they made when they collapsed.

"Good spell, Wormtail. Where'd you learn that?" Remus questioned him curiously.

"Well, I-...um-" Peter started, looking nervous, before Sirius interrupted him.

"C'mon, let's get to work. How long does that spell last for Wormtail?" he asked.

"They should wake up in the morning."

"Great. This will be fun." Sirius happily rubbed the palms of his hands together.

---------

Lily woke to a splitting headache pounding the side of her head. She was confused, tired, and in pain: not a good combination for Lily Evans. She opened her eyes slowly to reveal some kind of carpet. She then realised she was lying on her stomach on the floor of some room.

"Wait—what the hell am I doing on the _floor_?" Lily asked herself. She raised her head, while still lying on the floor, and looked in front of her. She recognised a fireplace and what looked like to be the common room chairs.

"Wait- what the hell am I doing in the _common room_?" Lily questioned herself again, even more confused than before. She felt a thick blanket on top of her, which was very bemusing. She was about to pick herself up, when she realised something abnormally outlandish: something felt strange in her hand. It was soft, warm, smooth and soothing. It gave her tingles and butterflies in her stomach.

_Wait a minute; it's not _in _my hand. It's _holding _my hand!_

By now, Lily was completely freaked out. Quickly, she realised that it wasn't an object and recognised the feel and touch of what it could be; it felt like skin!

_Really nice skin, might I add…but skin! What is going on? _

She tried to free her hand, yet she couldn't. Somehow Lily turned herself on to her front and discovered something, or _someone, _next to her. However, they were hidden by the thick blanket.

_Oh God, _Lily thought dreadfully_, this is not good. _Quickly, she removed the blanket away from the hidden person, and their face was revealed.

She screamed.

------

Meanwhile, James Potter was having an unbelievably weird dream; a very, _very_ strange dream. It all revolved around the person who annoyed him the most: Lily Evans. Of course, he'd always had dreams about girls. But Lily Evans: _no way_. She was different, and not in a good way.

He'd been acting extremely odd in this dream - well, at least he thought he did. And so was Lily. In the dream, he and Lily were sitting by the lake in the Hogwarts grounds, in the spot of comfort James enjoyed most: in the shade of the beech tree. What was so bizarre was that he and Lily were in each others arms. Never in a million years did James dream to be so close to Lily. And what was even weirder was that James _liked _it. It was comfortable and relaxing.

_She looks so gorgeous, _James pondered, _WHAT! She's not gorgeous, she's Evans! _

James looked into Lily's eyes; they were so alluring and gleaming. _What! Why am I thinking that? They're not beautiful, or radiant, or so stunningly exquisite, or—STOP IT, STOP THINKING! _

James saw his hands delicately stroke Lily's striking red hair. _Why are my hands doing that? _He wondered.

Before he could even think, he saw his hands softly cup Lily's chin and saw his head move closer to Lily, inches away from her face…inches away from her lips…

_What the_—…_I'm gonna kiss Lily Evans!_

Suddenly, James woke up. He wasn't sure if he was relieved that the dream had ended or upset because it had.

_NO, you are glad you got out of that nightmare! _He told himself.

After arguing with his self, he finally realised a thick blanket was over his head and body. He was puzzled to why he couldn't remember much of last night.

_Maybe I got drunk in Hogsmeade. I can definitely feel a hangover. My head is aching!_

Thinking logically, he came to the conclusion that he must be back in his dormitory.

_I have got to avoid Evans today; no way can I face her after that dream. _

James was about to rub away the painful headache that had formed, when he looked at his hand.

_That _was definitely not normal.

Suddenly the blanket was lifted off him and he saw a face.

He screamed.


	2. Pants and ragonators

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 2: Pants and ragonators**

As Lily bent over James, who had been revealed under the blanket next to her, she made a horrified shriek. James' response to seeing Lily's face -especially so early in the morning, and especially after wanting to avoid her since his unexpected dream- was a confused scream. Lily's high pitched shriek and James' low bellow were then mixed with cries of pain. James leaped up suddenly, colliding heads with Lily who had been hovering over him.

The second they both recovered from the pain that added to their already pounding heads, they questioned each other on exactly what was going on in a friendly, polite conversation.

Nah. Only kidding.

"What's going on?" James interrogated. "What am I doing under a blanket with _you_ in the common room?"

"Don't ask me, Potter! What's more important is why you are holding my hand and won't let go, you pervert!" Lily shouted at him, her face reddening every second; maybe from anger, or more likely embarrassment.

James lowered his eyes to their hands. He'd totally forgotten about that. He'd seen his hand, his fingers wrapped tightly a stranger's under the blanket. But, before he could ponder it any longer, the blanket was lifted off and Lily's face had suddenly appeared; something that had completely thrown him. Another aspect that made him forget was something he did not want to admit to Lily; their hands together, felt, well, comfortable.

_Comfortable? Comfortable! Are you bloody insane?_ James screamed in his head.

"I said let go!" Lily said again, interrupting James' thoughts as she tried wrenching her hand away from his. Unfortunately, their hands still remained stuck.

"I'm not holding your hand! You're holding mine! Let go of me!" James yelled back.

He attempted to tug his hand free, but as he did, the whole of Lily's body was abruptly pulled forward, forcing her to smack into James' chest. He stumbled a few steps back at the sudden force, falling back into common room fireplace where the flames of the fire wavered.

James' trousers quickly lit on fire.

He reacted like any other normal person would do.

To put it simply, he hysterically ran around in circles squealing.

---------------

Sirius was sleeping peacefully untroubled in his bed in the 'Marauder dormitory' -at least, that's what they had named it, even carving the words on the door. He had been sleeping soundly, when suddenly a girl's high pitched shriek and a guy's rough yell coming from the common room awoke him. Sirius recognised the screams instantly as James and Lily's. Gleefully, he jumped out of the bed with a wide grin on his face and turned to his fellow marauders in their beds.

Remus had also awoken to the sudden noises, and his head peeped from under the bedspread. "What's...going on? Is that Prongs...and Lily screaming?" he groggily asked in between yawns.

"Yep," Sirius confirmed. "Let's go see them! Their reaction to spell of screaming wasn't exactly what I hoped for...but at least we know it worked!" he said optimistically.

"Great," Remus replied unenthusiastically. "Its too early Padfoot, I'm going back to sleep." He rested his head back on his pillow.

"Oh no you don't, Moony! C'mon! Please?" Sirius pleaded and made big, sorrowful, puppy dog eyes at him.

"Oh...damn your bloody inner dog self." Remus grudgingly got up from bed and put his robes on top of his pajamas. Again, another scream was heard, this time only coming from James, and it seemed to be more of a cry of pain and shock.

"Come on Moony, hurry up!" Sirius pressed. "We're missing all the excitement!" His eyes looked upon Peter who was snoring loudly, sleeping, and completely unaware or disturbed by the ear-splitting sounds that came from the common room. Another sound of a shocked "Oh my God!" was heard from the common room.

"Wooooooormtail," Sirius sang noisily. Peter snored on nonetheless. "Peter!" he said sharply. "Get your arse up NOW!"

"Uhh...five more minutes mum..." Peter answered faintly.

Sirius backed away. "He just called me his...mother," he said, in a very much disgusted tone. Remus laughed although his eyes were drooping with tiredness." I mean, that's the most horrifying thing anyone has said to me," he stated convincingly.

"Well, that's nice of you to say. I can tell you feel greatly about Pete's mum," Remus spoke dryly.

"You've seen her though, haven't you? She's fat and ugly! And I'm, well, I'm gorgeously handsome and the girls fall at my feet," Sirius boasted.

Remus shook his head. "You are so conceitedly vain, Padfoot."

"I know." Sirius smiled widely. "Leave mummy's boy to sleep, to the common room!" He pointed his fist in the air, looking oddly like a super hero.

"Why couldn't you have left me to sleep," Remus mumbled, following him closely behind.

----------------

"Oh my God," Lily shrieked as James trousers were suddenly alight. James' eyes seemed to burst with surprise as the fire caught him, and he frantically ran around the common room, over the tables and chairs, and of course, dragging along Lily in the process.

"Potter! Potter, calm down!" she shouted, as she stumbled and tried keeping up with James' manic running.

"I'monfireI'monfireI'monfire!"

"Running around in circles won't stop it! Do something! Roll on the floor! That's what people say you should do when you're on fire!"

James hurriedly jumped to the floor, resulting in Lily being pushed to the floor with him. He tried rolling but this proved to be hard with her hand still in his. "Not working, Evans!" he yelled, as he tried rolling but instead roughly bumped into the red head.

"Um, I dunno!" Lily replied lamely. _Quick, think of something Lily or James will burn to death! _She thought, frightened.

"Take the trousers off! Take them off quick!" she commanded.

James didn't argue. He wasn't prepared to negotiate ideas; anything would do. Speedily with one hand, James unbuckled and unzipped his black trousers, pulling them off and throwing them to the floor. He grabbed a cushion from the one of the common room chairs and repeatedly hit the trousers, hoping that it would suddenly stop the burning fire.

"Potter, here!" Lily said handing him a jug of water.

"Thanks Evans." James replied without thinking, and poured the water on to the trousers. The fire sizzled and died. James sighed with relief.

_Phew, that was close...-wait a minute, that jug of water- _he thought.

"Evans! Where the hell did you get that jug of water from?"

Lily tittered in embarrassment. "Uuum...from the table," she mentioned quietly, pointing to the table positioned nearby, along with glasses.

"Why didn't you give me it in the first place?" James asked furiously.

"Well I only saw it now!" Lily quickly regained her confidence and anger. "You should be thanking me! I saved your bloody life!"

"_You saved my life_? Whatever! You pushed me into the bloody fire!"

"Oh grow up, Potter. And by the way, _golden balls_, nice pants."

James, who until now was looking proudly intimidating, reddened when he realized how exactly he looked. He looked down, spotting himself wearing his favourite pants. They were a sky blue with moving golden snitches which zoomed about his nether regions. James glared at her.

After such a mental fire incident, Lily remembered that their hands were still stuck together. "Okay now, Potter, you've had your fun of nearly killing me by nearly setting me on fire, now let go of my hand."

James couldn't believe it. After all that happened, she still believed he was holding her hand and it had been some stupid prank that was apparently, and of course, was his entire fault.

"I'm not holding on to your hand! I keep bloody telling you!"

Together they tried pulling their hands separate, each stretching as far as possible in opposite directions.

"Arghh!" they cried in unison. The harder they pulled away from each other, the more pain that soared into their palms.

"Cut it out!" Lily screeched. "This must be one of your stupid pranks! I swear, if you don't let go of me right now-"

"Shut up a second, Evans," James cut her off. Lily made a sound of indignation, but was swiftly hushed. "You're smart: think about it. If you're trying to pull your hand away, and I'm trying to pull my hand away, then obviously something's messed up. Our hands must be glued together by some spell, or something."

"How am I supposed to believe you?" Lily questioned, narrowing her eyes. "Maybe you're just holding on to my hand and won't let go on purpose, to torture me."

"Look Evans," James started calmly, "I am not holding on to your hand on purpose, okay? I don't know what happened. How we got like this. I can't even remember what happened last night."

Lily studied him. His hazel eyes didn't seem to flash with anger anymore; they just revealed a sign of exhaustion. Lily heaved a sigh, knowing what she was going to say next would undoubtedly be something she would later regret.

"Okay…I believe you."

James showed a sign of shock at Lily's words. She hadn't shouted at him or yelled - something that was normally common whenever they conversed.

Lily walked back over to the blanket near the fire, where James obediently followed, and sat wearily down. She sat with her head between her knees, obviously stressed at the morning they'd experienced together.

"I can't believe this is happening," Lily muttered.

James notices the worry and depressing tone of her voice. "Hey, hey Evans, everything will be fine," he nudged her lightly with his elbow. "We'll just go see Madam Pomfrey. She'll separate us easily. We'll be back to normal in no time," he said encouragingly.

She lifted her head to face James, looking better and more positive. "Yeah, you're right," she agreed. She tucked the loose strands of red hair behind her ears and gazed at the fire.

Out of the blue, James' mind wandered back to the dream he had only moments before Lily woke him. He remembered the vision; her shining, stunning red hair blew lightly in the calming breeze as she sat in his arms by the lake, not as enemies, but as lovers--_Would you stop thinking about that stupid dream, you twat! _James snapped, mentally shaking himself for reminiscing.

Meanwhile, Lily gazed at the flames of the fire. She didn't want to look at James, mainly because she kept getting lost in his hazel eyes--_Lost in his eyes? What are you on, girl? Seriously, what drugs have you took? _

She kept remembering the feeling she got -and what she was oddly feeling now- while her fingers were wrapped tightly around James'. They just felt...right together, like they were moulded to fit perfectly.

"I can't believe I'm sitting in the common room, with just my shirt and pants, after nearly being burned to death, with you," James said, with an unexpected, but genuine smile.

Lily laughed feebly; she didn't want to come across too friendly towards him. "You ran around screaming like such a girl," she teased.

"They really should really just put those muggle things in these rooms instead of fires. What are they called, ragonators?"

"Um...I think you mean radiators, Potter." She laughed more heartily then before.

"Oh, yeah, them things anyway," James blushed slightly. "Try and not mention to anyone that I ran screaming like a girl, would you?" He used his free hand not attached to Lily's to mess up his hair.

"Sure," Lily said, studying him, "As long as you don't do that thing with your hair anymore, it's really annoying."

James immediately stopped running this fingers in his hair and gave her a slight smile. "Sure."

_Alright, what's going on? _James thought. _I'm _smiling _at Evans and she's been _laughing _in my company and we _haven't _been shouting. This has been one of the weirdest conversations ever. _

_Oh God, Potter's smiling at me. Don't you dare smile back at him, damn it! What's wrong with you! Get a grip!_ Lily again turned her head away from him, trying to clear her thoughts.

"I don't think your girlish antics will be a secret anyways. Probably the whole of the Gryffindor House heard you since you were screaming so loud," Lily joked. James began to a laugh, when a sound interrupted him.

At that precise second, there were loud heavy thuds coming from the Gryffindor house stairs. Not just a couple; a _lot_.

"Oh no..."

Together, they turned their heads turned to the face the staircase where practically every pupil in the Gryffindor House were making their way into the common room, or positioning themselves on the stairs with nosey looks. Everyone gasped in seeing the scrambling two. Lily faltered as she stood up by the fireplace, standing on a thick blanket next to James, their hands neatly joined together. To add to the even more suspicious scene, James was only wearing his shirt and blue golden snitch pants, his trousers discarded to the floor.

"It's not what you think!" They both shouted in unison. The fact they had both said it in unison made it look even more suspicious than it already was.

One of the faces in the crowd watching was Sirius, leaning on Remus, who was again shaking his head, this time with laughter.

Sirius tried to contain himself. A large grin magnified on his face more then ever before.

_Lily and James are looking guilty and Lily even took his trousers off!_ _This worked out better then I thought! _Sirius thought happily, making his way through to crowd and towards the couple.


	3. Bold characters

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 3: Bold Characters**

"Prooooooongsie!" Sirius addressed James loudly, as he made his way through the crowd of onlookers. The minute the crowd heard Sirius' voice they immediately made a path for him and Remus to get through; it was as if they were treated with royalty in Hogwarts. There were some dreamy "Hi there" responses and winks from the girls, and some "Hey dude" replies and high-fives from the boys.

_Oh no, no, no, run now, hide,_ James chanted in his head.

Sirius finally found his way to the couple with Remus following behind; his head down, trying to hide his silent laughing.

"Prongs, I've been looking for you everywhere mate! You didn't go to your bed last night-", _Well done, Sirius, now everyone knows that, it makes everything seem more suspicious then before, _James thought madly, "- and now I've found you down here with the beautiful Lily Evans." Sirius winked flirtatiously at Lily. She replied to this comment with a middle finger.

"Ooo, bit cranky this morning Lily! Wonder why, eh? Anyway, you two _are holding hands_ after such a night of passion in the common room! Prongs, you old dog! Wait, that's what people say to me...I mean, Prongs you old stag!" Sirius corrected himself.

"Sirius, do you ever think before you speak?" James asked tediously.

"Yeah, sure I do, all the time!"

"Did you think now, before you spoke?" James questioned.

Sirius looked at his friend blankly for a few seconds. "Uh...I dunno, I can't remember." James closed his eyes and sighed.

"Look, people! We are not voluntarily holding hands!" Lily shouted in clarification to the onlookers. There were some laughing, sniggers and glances between people, obviously hinting to each other that they didn't believe a word she said. Most particularly there were sixth and seventh year boys giving James the thumbs up and clapping in applause, obviously coming to their own conclusions on what Lily and James had been up to. However there were also girls -of _all_ years- glaring daggers at Lily.

"If I found out who did this to us then I'll kill them!" Lily shouted angrily. Sirius and Remus flinched slightly in wariness, but neither Lily nor James noticed.

"So...James," Sirius tried to direct the conversation elsewhere, "Going to give us the details? How was she?" he asked cheekily.

Lily was about to strangle him but James forced her back telling her, "Don't worry, Evans, I'll strangle him personally for you. Look Padfoot, we didn't do anything."

"Liar, liar pants on fire!" Sirius sang. Lily rolled her eyes at his immaturity.

"Padfoot, please, don't remind me of that experience..." James remembered nearly being burned to death by the deadly fireplace that caught his trousers on fire only moments before.

"Huh?" Sirius was confused. "What are you on about?"

"I'll tell you later," James replied. He wasn't in the mood for story telling at the moment.

Meanwhile, Remus was in such a fit of laughing that he had resulted in sitting on the common room chair, desperately trying not to look at either of them.

"Oi, Moony, you got something to say?" James questioned, arching a brow.

"No James, not at all," Remus replied, trying to stifle a laugh. "I have to say though, you two look quite good together. Your hands look rather comfortable." He ended on a smile.

"Thanks Remus, you're a pal," James muttered moodily.

_Did he just say comfortable? Wasn't I thinking that earlier…? This is not good, _James concluded to himself. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a girl's offensive, brash voice.

"Excuse me! Move it! I said get your arse out of my face! Do you want me to let off a dungbomb?"

The girl pushed her way through the masses of Gryffindor pupils; the mention of a dungbomb made it easier for the girl to pass.

_Aw crap… it's Anna_, Lily thought, as her best friend boldly made her way across the common room, with her dusky, brown hair flouncing over her shoulders. Anna was unusually loud for such a small person; that quality in her is what Lily liked about her

Not today though.

"Hey there, Anna. You're looking gorgeously sexy today," Sirius told her enticingly.

Anna turned to Sirius, smiled sweetly at him, and then replied to him exactly as Lily had done: the famous middle finger.

_Ouch,_ Sirius thought, wincing.

Anna turned to face Lily, without looking around at Sirius who was standing watching her behind, _literally_, and said "Sirius, stop staring at my arse."

Said boy muttered an apology and stepped in line with her, out of buttocks view.

"Lily, there you are! What's going on-," Anna halted when her eyes landed on James. "James," she said suspiciously, and he nodded politely in response.

Her eyes landed on their hands, the blanket and tossed trousers on the floor, and also the fact that James was wearing just his pants.

"Oh. My. God," Anna whispered to herself.

Lily could tell where this was going. Paling, she tried to said quickly, "Anna, honestly, it's not what you think, me and Potter-"

"Lily I cannot believe you!" Anna gawked. "You never told me you and James were, um," she did nothing to reduce her loud voice, "'doing it'!".

"WHAT?" Lily and James spat. However, Anna carried on talking.

"- But you know Lily, you're only 15, I hope you were using protection, and I hope he didn't force you into-". By this time Lily was trying block her ears.

_Please, why won't she stop talking? I'm going to kill her. I don't care if I have to strangle her with one hand! This so embarrassing! I do not need the ' birds and the bees' talk with my best friend in front of the entire Gryffindor House!_ Lily covered her heating face.

"And, in the common room Lily? That's well, a bit slut-ish don't you think-" Anna carried on.

"EXCUSE ME?" Lily cut in.

_Did my best friend just call me a slut? I don't believe this! I don't care if the whole of the Gryffindor House is watching: I'm going to kill her. Who cares if there are witnesses! It'll be worth it! _

Anna carried on as if she hadn't spoken."- I mean, its a bit unhygienic and kind of rude, people sit here to talk and stuff. If you wanted privacy in the dormitory then you should have asked. Oh, and by the way James, nice pants," she finished.

James quickly grabbed the blanket from the floor and wrapped his lower body, trying to save any pride he had left - which wasn't much.

Lily was fuming and James was highly embarrassed. His face shone a bright red, silent and with an expression of confusion. Anna spotted Sirius who was watching the situation happily with a delighted expression.

"Did you know anything about the two of them 'getting it on'?" Anna asked him curiously.

_Ooo yes, do carry on speaking as if we aren't here! _James thought sarcastically. _Continually embarrasses us and makes arses of us! We don't mind! Continue talking as loud as possible while an army of Gryffindor pupils watch the situation_!

"No not at all Anna, my dear! You know, he doesn't tell me any of his secrets. I remember that day James admitted to being gay by wearing that delightful pink robe. I never knew he was. I remember it like it was yesterday!" Sirius spoke merrily.

"Sirius, that was yesterday," James reminded him, "And I'm not gay!" He glared at Lily. The pink robe was entirely her fault. Lily showed no guilt whatsoever.

"Oh, of course, we know that now Prongs, since you spent the night with Lily and won't let go of her hand."

"Shut up, Black," Lily snapped.

"Oh I bloody give up..." James muttered, massaging his forehead.

"Look James, could you leave me and Lily alone for a second, I want a private chat with her," Anna asked suddenly.

"What?" James looked at Lily but she was looking elsewhere, not putting two and two together.

Anna grabbed Lily's arm to lead her off a few steps but was startled to see James had also followed her.

"It's sweet and everything James, but just let go for a minute."

James stared at her blankly. There was no way of separating their hands. The private talk they wanted was not going to happen.

"James, just let go of her hand so I can speak to her alone," Anna repeated more fiercely.

_Oh no, is that fire I see in her eyes? She's getting seriously mad,_ James thought.

"Look, Anna," he gritted through his teeth, "I _can't _let go of her hand-"

"Okay, James, you're acting a bit possessive now, aren't you-"

"Anna, he can't-" Lily began.

"_James_! Just let go already!" Anna ordered. "You're really starting to piss me off!"

Sirius and Remus watched the current state of affairs, along with the crowd of Gryffindor pupils, who were still observing and enjoying the show. Everyone's heads turned back and forth between Anna and James, moving as though they were watching a tennis match. There were some even betting on who would win the 'fight'.

"I bet on Anna! She's freakin' scary!" someone spoke in the back.

"I told you already, Anna!" James had resorted to yelling. "I _can't_!-"

"Just back off, James! _Go away_!"

"What part of the word 'can't' don't you understand, _woman_!"

That was it. She snapped.

Anna punched James in the eye, and he yelped in pain and staggered backwards - luckily not into the fireplace this time, as much as Anna would have liked that. There were cheers of glee coming from the swarm of Gryffindors as the gamblers who bet Anna would win the fight collected their winnings.

"YES! I won five galleons!"

At once, James looked fiercely at the person who said that with the one eye he could see through. Lily looked surprisingly distraught by what had happened, checking if James was alright, along with Remus who was also worried.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked, observing James' face.

James uncovered his eye with his hand to reveal a black bruise that was deepening within every second. Remus unexpectedly made a snigger. He did feel pain and pity for James, but also found it hilarious that he had been so painfully beaten up by a girl. He tried to cover his laughter with a mask of concern for James. However, Sirius was on the floor, clutching his stomach in laughter.

"Man, Prongs, you totally got beaten up by a girl!" he laughed hysterically, trying to control himself but failing by far.

"I'm so sorry Potter," Lily apologized. She turned to face her friend with a face of disbelief. "How could you just punch him, Anna?"

"Because he was in my personal space! And he called me 'woman'! No one calls me 'woman' and gets away with it. I have a _name_. Besides, he didn't need to get in such a hissy fit; all I wanted to do was have a private chat with you!"

"No, Anna," Lily shook her head. "Listen to me, _please_. Potter isn't holding on to my hand on purpose. Our hands are somehow joined together by some spell. Okay? Do you understand now?" she carefully explained.

Anna stared, expressionless. Lily hoped she was thinking, and not just staring at her in complete confusion.

After such quiet silence, Anna finally spoke up. "_Oh_...I get it now! It makes sense…heh…" She looked guiltily down at her feet, embarrassed for the rage and sudden outburst resulting in James' new eye make up. Her eyebrows narrowed. "You know, you should have told me in the first place."

_What! _James thought angrily clutching his sore eye.

"I tried explaining to you but you didn't bloody listen-" James began irritably, before Lily had clamped her free hand over his mouth to silence him, signaling him to shut up or Anna might hit his other eye.

"I'm sorry, James, really, I am." Anna told him, looking shamefaced and uncomfortable. James was about to yell at her some more, but he was nudged in the stomach lightly by Lily, who was looking at him with sorrowful eyes, telling him to let it go.

_Woah, those eyes make her look cute...wait, what did I just say? _James thought_. I seriously need to see Madam Pomfrey about these conversations in my head_.

"It's alright," James muttered in the end, "I'm sorry for calling you 'woman'."

Sirius grinned, "Happy families again!" There were groans of disgust and boredom from Gryffindors who had lost interest by all the sappiness of apologizing and how the fighting had stopped. Some were retreating back up the common room stairs, ready to go back to bed. "Now all the drama is over with!"

However, he was wrong.

It was only a few seconds after Sirius had unfortunately jinxed them that another new character pushing themselves through the crowd, shouting "Jamesie!" The few that had started retreating to their bed's immediately ran back down to observe on what would happen next.

The busty blonde -who was already covered in thick make-up, despite how early in the morning it was- was not at all happy.

Sirius cowered nervously; he'd completely forgotten about James' current girlfriend, Amber, whilst doing the spell.

_Oh well, he was going to dump her soon anyway_, _at least, I hope he was, _Sirius defended himself. He could defend himself in any situation.

Amber stormed up to the group of Sirius, Anna and Remus around the couple. James immediately ruffled his hair in nervousness to what was about to come, "Hey, Amber, how you doin'?"

_Lily rolled her eyes. Old habits die hard_, she thought, watching James mess his hair after specifically telling him to stop doing that. She abruptly smacked him on the back of the head.

"Ow! Will you stop continuously hurting me! I've already got a black eye!"

"You deserved that smack, Potter," Lily retorted.

Anna and Remus laughed silently in amusement. Sirius was too busy to laugh as he was checking Amber out.

The light haired girl was pounding with rage, narrowing her eyes at Lily. "Don't you dare touch him!" she shouted possessively.

Sirius rolled his eyes. _This one was certainly dumb, but still exceptionally hot_, he thought. "Bit late for that, love," he pointed to their joined hands clasped together.

Amber eye's slowly moved to their hands. Her eyes seemed to burst out of her head. If looks could kill, James would be dead in an instant. In fact, he'd be killed several times, and several more times over.

"How could you, Jamsie? Let go of her hand right now or it's over!" Amber roared.

_Great, she'll forgive me, only if I let go of Evans' hand, which I can't bloody do. Just great, _James thought bitterly.

"Look, Am, I can't." James said softly.

"What do you mean you CAN'T? You're choosing _her _over ME! What the hell is wrong with you? Everyone knows that blondes have more fun!" Amber flicked her blonde hair over shoulder, casting a disgusted look at Lily. Not only was Lily raging, but Anna looked like she was going to rip every blonde hair that belonged on her head.

"Whatever _you_ say," Lily spat at her.

"Blondes having more fun aren't necessarily true, Amber," Sirius said huskily to her, joining the conversation. He ran a hand through his ebony hair.

Amber replied by signalling the middle finger, just as Anna and Lily had done earlier.

_Wow, that's three times in one morning!_ Sirius thought worriedly. _I can't be losing my charm! Don't panic!_

"Sirius, can you please contain yourself from flirting with my girlfriend while I'm in the room," James warned him.

"Sorry mate, reflex action." Sirius apologized, backing out of the conversation.

"Correction, James. I _was _your girlfriend. Not anymore, it's over!"

"But-" Before James could continue in his defence, Amber slapped him hard across the cheek.

This was not a good day for James. He'd been punched in the eye and slapped in the face both by the opposite sex. He was losing his pride, dignity and manhood all in the space of ten minutes. "So. Much. Pain." He clutched his cheek in agony.

"And you," Amber looked Lily up and down with a filthy look, "You can have him, you mudblood."

Lily was about rip Amber into a thousand pieces until Sirius, again like yesterday, had pulled her back as Amber stormed off up the common room stairs.

"She did NOT call me what I think she just did! Why do you keep stopping me! Let go of me! I'm going to kill her!"

"Lily, that'll be a bit hard to do considering James hand is attached to yours."

Lily finally stopped struggling and sulked moodily. The common room now was empty except for the five of the fifth years. The mass of Gryffindor watchers had all returned to their beds; they had a few hours before classes started that Friday morning and it seemed as if everyone wanted those few hours to sleep and rest. The drama of Lily and James had completely exhausted them.

"I so could have taken Amber," Lily sulked.

"Don't worry, I'll kick her butt later," Anna informed.

"I can honestly say I definitely believe you, especially judging from James' black eye," Remus told her. Anna smiled, thanking him. James, however, glared at them both.

The group of five stood silently watching each other, no idea on what to do next.

"Alright, I'm going back to bed," Anna and Remus said together, strangely in unison. They looked at each other strangely, blushed, and retreated up the stairs to their dormitory. Sirius watched the two oddly as they left. He returned his attention quickly back to James and Lily.

"Soo...I'll be going now. Gonna go see if Wormtail's up yet. He's probably slept through the whole thing. I'm hoping he's still sleep so I can prank him! I'll be leaving you two alone, again," the two glowered at him, "So...bye, bye, lovebirds!" He ran off quickly before either of them could physically hurt him.

Now the common room was completely empty.

"Well, that was certainly an eventful morning," Lily broke the silence.

"Yeah, I'm beginning to think that it's probably not the end of it and there will be more to come."

They two looked at each other, both awkward and unable to think of what to say.

_Why are we acting nervous now when we're alone? This is weird_, Lily stated in her mind.

James' thoughts automatically wondered back to the dream he had, no matter how much he forced himself not to.

"Um, Potter, maybe we should go see Madam Pomfrey now, yeah?"

"Oh, yeah, of course," James replied absentmindedly. He walked towards the portrait and exit of the common room. Lily obviously followed, but grabbed his arm and stopped him just as they were about to leave.

"Huh?" James was confused to why they had stopped and why Lily had stopped him so suddenly. Lily smiled at him, beaming.

_Wow, that smile…I really hope I'm not drooling...Er...what am I saying? _

"Potter?" Lily was holding on to his arm.

"Evans?" James dreamily replied.

"Maybe you should go put some trousers on. No matter how hilariously funny it would be to see you walk around Hogwarts in just your pants covered by a blanket; maybe you should change. You might scare or even blind a few pupils."

The smile James portrayed quickly left his face at this comment.

_Lily Evans is definitely a feisty girl. _

"Okay then Evans," James replied, acting cheerful. "I'll put some trousers on for _your_ benefit, since you just can't stop looking, talking and mentioning my pants and great manhood."

Lily glared at him, reddened slightly, not meeting his gaze.

"Accio trousers!" James called as a pair of black trousers zoomed from the Marauders dormitory, down the common room stairs and straight into James' hands.

He threw the blanket aside and carefully putting the trousers on with one hand, zipped and buckled them up. He faced Lily, who had turned away, embarrassed, whilst James had been changing.

He placed his hand on her chin and turned her head to face him. Lily was bewildered by such actions.

As their faces inches closely to one another, James whispered "Let's go then," before dropping his hand. He pulled Lily as he walked through the portrait on their journey to the Hospital Wing.


	4. Insults and strangling

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 4: Insults and strangling**

Frankly, Lily was annoyed; v_ery _annoyed. She had made, in her opinion, a great witty comment, which she thought would embarrass Potter. She had told him the sight of him in just his underwear would practically blind people. She had taken a damn long time to think of that comment. Lily Evans _always _got the last laugh!

...Not this time though. Her clever remark had backfired in _her _face, making _her _turn red in embarrassment, making _her _look like a fool which was the last thing she had expected.

_Stupid git. Making out as if I have such a fascination with his sky blue quidditch pants with flying golden snitches- wait, great, maybe he's right considering I just described them pretty damn well! _She thought madly. _Then he made me out to as if I kept looking and mentioning his stupid pants! As if I was perving on him or something! As if I would look…! Okay, I looked maybe once but hey, come on, how could I not! _She defended herself.

Lily was confused of the fact of the way he touched her; just placed his hand easily on her chin. It was weird and his hand there seemed kind of familiar, like it was natural for him to do that. This made her feel uneasy.

As Lily's thoughts seemed to keep her in a dream world, her legs dragged along automatically as she followed James to the Hospital Wing. They made no effort of conversation until James finally voiced his thoughts to Lily, who seemed to be straggling behind him.

"Evans? Hey- earth to Evans?" James waved his hands in front of Lily's face, making her blink and come out of her pondering.

"Huh? Oh-what Potter?" Lily replied absentmindedly.

"Evans, this isn't working. We're walking at different paces, yours of the slower kind."

"Less of the talking, more of the walking," Lily replied coolly.

"Exactly Evans. But you're lagging behind, keep up."

"Excuse me?" Lily's anger was noticeable from her tone. "Potter, I am not lagging, and even if I was, its...um...because...you are taller then me and have bigger strides!"

"What?" James snorted. "Evans, we're the same height, I'm the one with the glasses and I can see that. Maybe you need a pair too."

"Less talk, more walk, Potter. Or I'll stuff those glasses up where the sun doesn't shine."

"Point taken."

On that note, there was complete silence on the rest of the course to Madam Pomfrey.

After a long time of walking -_damn Hogwart's having so many floors and stairs, have they not heard of elevators or escalators_? Lily thought- they finally made it to the Hospital wing. They charged through the doors, instantly searching for Madam Pomfrey to free them. Luckily there were no students in the rows of beds except one patient who was hidden by a curtain. None of them fancied explaining the situation of their hands again, although, they didn't know they were going to be doing that a lot that day.

Madam Pomfrey appeared out of her office and came over to see them.

"Miss Evans, what can I do for you, in such early hours of the morning?" she spoke in a friendly tone. Her eyes then spotted James, and his also mangled face. In a not such a welcoming manner, she said "Mr. Potter! What have you been doing? Not _another_ fight, you really need to control yourself, dear boy. Or, may I ask," she raised her eyebrows in suspicion, "Did another prank of yours backfire on you?"

_Yeah. Sure. Whenever James Potter is hurt, it must be because of a prank or fighting..._James thought icily…_though it normally is but _still_, she didn't have to go right out and say it…_

"No, Madam Pomfrey. Your first accusation was correct," Lily answered for him. James glared at her.

"So, you haven't been cursing more of Hogwarts students who are instantly sent up here to the Hospital Wing, most recently that young Mr. Snape in the corner there." Madam Pomfrey gestured to the boy behind the curtain. Instantly James eyes' brightened at the name of 'Snape'.

"Snivellus is here!" James grinned. He knew exactly why Snape was in the hospital wing but had only remembered until now. It was only yesterday James had cursed Snape. James told himself he deserved it. _It was all Evans' fault anyways, _James thought, _if she hadn't changed my robe, then Snape wouldn't have mocked me and I wouldn't have sent him a great bat bogey hex, greasy haired little arse-_

"_Do not _call him that Mr. Potter. And do not disturb him. He's sleeping," Madam Pomfrey warned him. "Now, I can fix that bruised eye in a second but is there any other reason why you two are here?"

"Isn't it obvious," Lily answered glumly. Together they help up their hands together to show their fingers wrapped tightly around one other.

The witch looked blank. "I don't understand, Miss Evans."

"Lily and I-" James started.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, and Miss Evans. I am not a relationship counsellor-"

_Arghh! This is really getting old! Why does every single person who sees us holding hands instantly think that we are in some kind of relationship_? Lily thought angrily.

"-I am merely a witch who heals people. I do think it's good that someone like you, Evans," she smiled at Lily warmly, whilst the red head looked at her with confusion, "is with James. Maybe you calm the dear boy down and are a good influence on him." Lily blushed furiously at this comment. "I'm afraid I cannot solve the problems of young people who are, um, 'acquainted' with each other-"

"No!" Lily and James shouted jointly.

Madam Pomfrey looked startled. They'd always thought she was an intelligent witch considering her long history of healing spells. However, now they were thinking it was taking her an extremely long time for her to get the message.

"No, Madam Pomfrey. You don't understand. We woke up in the common room and-"

"Please, Mr. Potter, I do not wish to hear the details of your, um, 'affairs', and what you do in your own time as a couple-"

"No! You're getting the wrong idea!" Lily cut in with desperation. This was becoming more embarrassing by the second, even more than the weird conversation with Anna that had thoroughly traumatized her. "Me and Potter's hands are not holding together willingly or by choice! It's by some spell! We woke up in the common room and our hands were like this!"

Madam Pomfrey stared back and forth between the two of them, silent just as Anna had done before speaking.

"Are you sure you two aren't just a couple hopelessly in love?"

"_No, we're pretty sure_."

"Oh, I see," the older witch laughed, "I do apologize! Well, you should have told me in the first place!"

_Oh bloody hell! That's the second person who we've tried to explain to who's said that! People just don't listen these days..._James thought. _Oh God, I sounded like my grandfather then. Stop thinking and get back to the conversation! _

"Let me see…" Madam Pomfrey spoke touched the entwined hands, examining them at every angle.

_I don't see how looking at them at a different angle is gonna bloody separate them,_ James thought impatiently.

"How remarkable…I've never seen a spell like this before..." she trailed off. Lily shot James an anxious look. It was not a good sign at all if it didn't look like a common spell. They were most definitely screwed.

_Keep positive, _Lily repeated in her head. _Keep positive_, _keep positive…_

Meanwhile in James' head an image of Sirius was pictured. Charmingly, Sirius was laughing and pointing at him, saying 'Prongsie, you're totally screwed, man!" over and over again like an odd echo.

James shook the thoughts away.

_Thanks Sirius, even when you're not physically in the room you're mocking me like the true friend you are_.

Madam Pomfrey dropped their hands.

"Very interesting," the woman stated.

_That's nice of her to say,_ Lily thought. _It sounds as if we are some kind of new attraction at a freak show. _

"You two stay here for a moment. I'm just going to look in a book in my office; I think there might be something on spell human attachments in there. I'll be right back." Madam Pomfrey exited into her office.

"This is _great_…friggin _fantastic_..." Lily muttered. She kept a permanent frown on her face and silently waited for the witch to return.

James, however, had other ideas. Making Lily outcry, he pulled her over to where Snape was supposedly sleeping behind the curtain.

"_Potter! _What are you doing?" Lily hissed fiercely. She gave up struggling and let James drag her over to Snape's bed

James pulled back the curtains. "Ahhh, Snivellus," he said with repulsion. Both he and Lily watched the sleeping Severus Snape; eyes closed, not surprisingly with a frozen hideous grimace on his face. "Sleeping like a baby- make that an ugly, greasy haired baby." Instinctively, Lily rolled her eyes. "Snivellus is asleep: the perfect time for pranking him!"

"You're not pranking him now," Lily almost laughed at James' irrationality. "Madam Pomfrey will easily catch you, pillock. And I wish you wouldn't call him that." She sighed, backing way from Snape's bed, afraid she might catch something.

"What? You mean Snivellus? But you hate him as much as I do!" James spoke with indignation.

"_Yes_, I do," Lily agreed feebly, "but still, responding to his snooty remarks, name calling and cursing him all the time makes you as _low _as him. It also makes the situation worse then it already is."

"_You know _I can't back down from what that slimy git says. He insults me and my friend's, even you sometimes." Lily lowered her eyes to study her feet. "I won't let him get away with it."

Lily slightly smiled nonetheless. "You're too proud and brave for your own good, Potter," she said quietly.

James curved his mouth to one side. "You could say that."

Unexpectedly, Snape's eyes shot open. He was startled by the sight of the two Gryffindors near his bed.

"Oh no!" James covered his mouth, putting on a false façade of horror. "The slimy, greasy haired monster has awoken!" He nudged Lily in the stomach who replied with a scolding look.

"Potter," Snape growled. "Get out of my face." His eyes landed on Lily and even more impossible scowl grew on his face. "And you as well, mudblood Evans." Snape spat at them. Lily merely looked away.

"Watch your mouth, Snivellus," James snapped. He held on to his wand tightly, prepared to use it.

Snape looked daggers at him and grabbed the potion on the side of his bed on the table. _Damn I, should have poisoned that_, James cursed in his mind.

Snape drank the potion in one and slammed it back down onto the table.

"Touchy, touchy, Snivellus. Didn't you enjoy your bat bogey hex?"

"Potter, what happened to your eye?" James slightly reddened and looked away. "Did you fall out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

Observing the two with spite, Snape's eyes landed on their clasped hands. He smirked, making James tremble with anger.

"Did you have a fright at seeing the person you woke up with?" Snape leered.

Lily gritted her teeth, half with embarrassment and half with anger.

"No, _Snivellus_, I just hit myself everyday at the fact that you are alive in the world, polluting the air we breathe, traumatizing and scaring the lives of everyone who sees that disgusting, big nosed face of yours."

"_Oh, _you are _so witty _this morning, Potter," Snape laughed. "I must say, when I woke to see you and mudblood Evans holding hands…my my, that was a horrifying sight. In fact, I'm still not over it. I might have to stay in the hospital wing for a lot longer to recover."

"One more comment and I'll curse you to oblivion-"

"Mr. Potter? Miss Evans?" Madam Pomfey called. She walked over to three fifth years, looking suspiciously between James and Snape raising her with a sceptic look. "Hmm…Mr. Snape, you are free to go if you've taken that potion already."

The boy nodded in confirmation and got out of the bed. He gave James a last leer before walking past him, their shoulders knocking into each other, and left the Hospital Wing. "_Hmm_," Madam Pomfrey recurred. "I hope you weren't considering fighting in my hospital wing, Mr. Potter."

James smiled innocently. "Of course not!" he fibbed, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Don't do that Potter, it makes you like a girl. No wait, you are one aren't you?" Lily laughed heartily at her own joke and James was about to make a snide comment in reply but was rudely interrupted.

"Returning back to the subject," Madam Pomfrey cut in, trying to stop any fight that would happen between the two. "I couldn't find anything about spells involving body attachments." In unison, James and Lily groaned in despair. "It's quite extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it," she looked at their joint hands again and shook her head, a puzzling expression filling her features, "What I suggest you do is go see Professor Dumbledore."

James and Lily stared at her with a familiar 'I am a teenager and hate life' manner.

"But Madam Pomfrey, if you can't cure us then we must be totally screw-," James stopped and changed his choice of words as she looked him raising her eyebrows. "I mean, our chances of separating don't exactly look good do they..."

"Mr. Potter," Madam Pomfrey softened at James' odd vulnerability, "If there is anyone who will know how to separate the both of you, it will most certainly be Professor Dumbledore." James' hope grew to some extent.

"Potter, you have to keep positive," Lily told him.

"Yeah…I tried doing that but every time I do, Sirius pops in my head making any chances of hope vanish."

Lily found this statement odd, but shrugged it off.

"Why don't you both of you go see Professor Dumbledore now?" Madam Pomfrey suggested. The two began to leave but the witch stopped James in remembrance of something. "Wait just a moment Mr. Potter. Let me get a potion to heal that black eye of yours." She went over to a cabinet and searched for a potion. She quickly found one and returned back to the couple. "May I ask how exactly you got that?" she asked curiously, handing him the medicine.

"I-um..." James reddened, thinking back to both hits, both by girls.

"He was hit by _girls_," Lily revealed with a smirk. "_Twice_, in fact."

Madam Pomfrey chuckled.

"_Thanks, Evans_!" James barked. He now had more of an urge than ever to see Professor Dumbledore to disjoin their hands. Quickly, he titled his head back and emptied the contents of the potion into his mouth. Unfortunately the taste of the potion was as predictable as ever: foul, revolting and nasty. James squinted his eyes in disgust.

_It tastes like the insides of a toilet! _James screamed in his head_. Mixed with the greasiness of Snape and Malfoy! _

The potion juggled around in his mouth, but James' stubbornness wouldn't allow him to swallow it. With his eyes closed, he spat out the potion immediately, the sprays of liquid squirted out like a water fountain display.

"POTTER!"

_Uh oh…that didn't sound good…_

James slowly opened his eyes.

A wet, drenched Lily stood in front of him, covered in potion, with hair dripping and shirt covered with spray marks. Lily was outraged. No one, and I mean _no one_, ever messed up Lily Evans' hair. Using her free hand, she grabbed James' throat, stopping his air supply.

"Your neck is abnormally large, Potter!" Lily talked over James' chocking gasps.

_What? My neck is not abnormally large! It's of normal proportions and of a regular size- James! You are being strangled to death here, stop thinking about how big your neck is! _

"EVANS! I can't breathe!" James squeaked as Lily's hand tightened around his neck. "You can't carry around a dead body attached to your hand all day!"

Madam Pomfrey looked at the two in horror. Any thoughts of James and Lily being a cute couple had disappeared in an instant.

"_Miss Evans_ n_o_!" Madam Pomfrey helped James try to release Lily's hand from his throat. She had _unbelievably_ hard grip. "Miss Evans, please, or I will have to stun you!"

Lily gradually lessened her grip on James' throat and dropped her arm. She pouted her lips and sulked.

James rubbed his sore neck in fear, his breathing quite ragged.

"Do you see who I'm attached to, Madam Pomfrey?" James hissed. "Do you see? She's trying to _kill _me!"

"I do not blame her Mr. Potter," Madam Pomfrey muttered. Lily smiled smugly; she'd always like that woman. "You just spat out the last potion I had on healing bruises. So now you will have to go around with that black eye, until it heals naturally by itself."

_Bollocks, _James cursed in his mind_. I am not having a good day. Weird dreams, hand attached to Evans, caught on fire, hit by two girls, nearly strangled to death; could this bloody day to get any worse?_

"I suggest you two leave my hospital wing." The older witch massaged the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes. When she opened her eyes and discovered the two standing before her, she clarified, "Right now." It looked as if she needed a long nap.

The two exited out of the door, even less enthusiastic than before.

"I need a shower. I need to get every ounce of your spit off my clothes, hair and face, Potter."

"Sure, Evans, by all means, take a shower, I don't mind being there right with you, since my hand is attached to yours."

Lily reddened; she'd forgotten about that. "Grow up, Potter," she said lamely, whilst trying to wipe the few ounces of potion that dripped off her face.

James chuckled, watching her.

"Next stop: Professor Dumbledore's office."


	5. Lies, cloak, Geoff and bacon

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 5: Lies, Geoff, and bacon**

Lily had been lagging behind when they were walking to the Hospital wing; now she was doing the exact opposite on the journey to Professor Dumbledore's office. She seemed even more determined to get them separated as soon as possible, preferably so she could take a shower, and preferably without James' company and get every 'Potter germ' off her face.

"Come on Potter, move it!" Lily snapped.

"Less talking, more walking, Evans," he mimicked her.

_God, she's grumpier the usual. All I did was spit some foul potion in her face! What did she do to me? Set me on fire and nearly strangled me to death! _James thought_. From my calculations, I'd say I have more of a right to be angry at her right about now. _

They finally reached the ugly gargoyle statue that leaded to Dumbledore's office. James broke the uncomfortable silence.

"I'm sick of seeing this ugly gargoyle. We should really tell Professor Dumbledore he needs new furnishings, friendlier and tasteful. This gargoyle gives off way bad vibes."

Lily did nothing to hide the confusion on her face. "What are you, an interior decorator? Besides, that gargoyle reminds me of someone." She looked directly at _someone_ to indicate who she was talking about.

"Evans, you really shouldn't put yourself down like that. I mean, comparing your self to a gargoyle. That's really pitiful. I didn't know you had such low self-esteem."

Lily bit her tongue and held herself back from strangling him again.

_That's the second time he's done that, responding to your remarks with better one, _Lily thought_. You're losing your normally wittier self_.

She dragged her mind back to why exactly they were doing at the statue.

"_Crap_," Lily cursed, massaging her forehead. "We don't know the password, Potter! Just….just _great_..._wonderful_…._fabulous_…."

James rolled his eyes. "Jelly slugs," he said effortlessly.

The gargoyle sprang to life and hopped aside, revealing the winding spiral staircase.

"How did you-"

"I was here yesterday," James explained. "Glad the password hadn't been changed. No need to thank me."

Lily ignored his arrogance. "Why were you here yesterday?"

"Cursing Snape."

"What a surprising response," Lily spoke dryly. "Well, considering our hands are stuck, and it'll be a bit difficult going on the staircase; ladies first, Potter." She waved her arm in front of her, signaling James to go forward.

_Alright! That was a good one!_ She congratulated herself._ Well done Lily, you're back in the game!_

"Ha-bloody-ha," James leered. "You're _hilarious_." He stepped on to the staircase and Lily followed behind him.

Once the staircase stopped moving, the pair reached the oak door with the griffon shaped brass knocker. Lily was about to knock on the door - however, to Lily's annoyance, James had beaten her to it. The sounds of the knocks echoed in their silence.

_Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock...knock-knock... _

Lily watched with her mouth gaping in confusion as James continuously knocking merrily on the oak door, not just knocking once, but what would appear to be knocking a lively tune. She grabbed his arm before another knock echoed through her skull.

"Potter, what are you doing? One knock would've been enough! Not a bloody symphony!" she told him indignantly.

"One knock is boring Evans. I thought I'd be original and do a tune." James was about to continue knocking when Lily grabbed his arm again.

_Hehe, I'm really annoying her! This is fun, _James thought evilly.

"Don't you even dare," she warned him, as his fingers slowly threatened to go for the door knob again. "What are you, an infant? Stop it, you-",

"Come in," a loud voice cut in from behind door.

James and Lily look at each other in confusion, but nonetheless opened the door and saw Professor Dumbledore sitting in his chair.

The portraits whispered and pointed as the pair walked in the circular room, towards the desk that Dumbledore was sitting at.

"Please take a seat," the professor said, flicking his wand effortlessly as two comfy cushion chairs appeared out of the nowhere.

Lily and James –with intensely heated faces- both sat down.

"How did you know it was us, Professor?" Lily asked coyly.

"I heard your quarrelling banter from the stairs," Dumbledore answered with a slight chuckle. "By the way, Mr. Potter, thank you for your melody door knocking." James smiled, whilst Lily rolled her eyes. "Now, either the both of you have suddenly become friends or even more so," James and Lily mutually shook their heads, "Although, that doesn't look to be the case judging from your conversing outside my office, or the looks on your faces right now." The two nodded, mutually again. "So, the explanation of your holding hands must be stuck together by some spell," he concluded. Lily and James breathed a sigh of relief on not having to explain the hand situation again.

_Professor Dumbledore is purely a genius, _Lily declared in her brain_, the guy knows everything. _

"I take it from your sighing that your holding hands have caused a few misunderstandings this morning," Dumbledore spoke sympathetically.

"Yeah," James muttered, "Just a few."

"Headmaster, we went to see Madam Pomfrey but she said she'd never seen a spell like this before. She told us to see you. You must know the reverse spell to separate us, right?" Lily asked hopefully.

The fifth years tensed, awaiting his answer whilst Dumbledore stared at them with curiosity.

_Hmm, this is a situation...enemies...forced together. What a predicament. Should I tell them, or not... _Dumbledore pondered.

He made a snap decision.

"I'm afraid I haven't seen a spell like this before either, Miss Evans." Dumbledore spoke convincingly.

The two gaped at him. Words couldn't describe how they were feeling. It was like being slapped in the face - and James especially knew exactly how that felt considering that it happened to him twice that morning, both equally as painful.

"What? B-but, _Professor_! You must know! What are we going to do?" Lily cried desperately, standing to her feet. Neither of them could believe it; was it a possibility that they could be stuck together by their hands _forever_? This question ran through both of their heads. Instantly, they wanted to burst into tears.

"Miss Evans please, calm down."

Obediently, Lily sat back down. She stole a glance at James who seemed to be frozen in shock.

"Are we," James cleared his throat, "Are we going to be stuck like this forever?" he asked quietly.

"I most sincerely doubt you will. In fact," Dumbledore did the usual eye twinkle, "I'm positive," he confirmed with a fixed look. "Now what I suggest is that you carry on with classes and your lives as normal. Which hands are your wand hands, may I ask?" he questioned them.

James held up his right hand easily, the hand free from Lily's. He held his wand loosely in his hand and Dumbledore nodded. He turned his gaze on Lily. The red head was rubbing her head in frustration, her head tilted down with a not so pleased look on her face.

"Miss Evans?"

She tilted her head up and looked at the professor intently. Slowly, she lifted her right hand. It was the one that was attached to James'…

"I see," Dumbledore acknowledged.

Lily peeked at James and spotted him grinning.

_Oh yeah! Evans can't use her wand hand! This is perfect. One actually good thing that happened out of all of this crap,_ James thought happily. He even pictured Sirius doing a victory dance in his head and chuckled to himself. Unfortunately, Lily got the wrong idea and thought he was laughing at her. Her free arm shot out again to grab James' neck.

He jumped back and nearly fell off his chair. "Professor, you've got to stop her before she strangles me again!"

Dumbledore laughed silently at the pair.

"Please Miss Evans, do try and contain yourself from killing Mr. Potter during this experience."

"Yes sir," Lily obligingly agreed. _I can't fully kill him, but I can bloody try, _

"Since Miss Evans cannot use her wand arm, you will have to do the spells for her, Mr. Potter."

James raised his eyebrows and smiled widely. _She'll have to beg me to do any spell she wants._

"Please _try _not to be ignorant and be more responsible, Mr. Potter."

James gawked at the professor at such a cheeky comment, but said nothing. He couldn't actually think of a reasonable point to defend himself. Lily wasn't shocked by this.

"I will try and find out anything I can about this spell and how to reverse it. The both of you could also do some research in the library, that would help," the professor told them encouragingly. They both nodded. Dumbledore looked at them quite quaintly. "This will be difficult. I trust you know that. It is quite well known in Hogwarts that the both of you don't get along every well." They both snorted loudly in agreement. "However, the both of you have been put in this situation which cannot be solved straight away. You must get along and deal with it. Work together and get through this. Do you both understand?"

"Yes, professor," they answered obediently.

"I'll inform your teachers the circumstances of your situation. Maybe you two should go for breakfast now."

"Thanks, professor." They saw the hint that it was their time to leave. Collectively they got up from the comfy chairs and left the office, returning down the stairs.

"_So_...we're screwed then," James said gloomily.

_Wow, I've never seen James Potter looking vulnerable…giving up so easily,_ Lily pondered.

"I'm not giving up, Potter. You heard what Dumbledore said. He's going to find out anything he can, and we can do research in the library as well."

"Great...the library, my favourite place in the world," James drawled. Lily ignored the comment.

"We're going to get through this. We'll be separated and then we can both go back to our own lives." Lily glanced over and James and he nodded in reply.

_Why us? _James thought. _Something just doesn't add up..._

"Don't..." He chose his words carefully, not wanting the red head to explode in anger. "Don't you think Dumbledore was holding back on something though?"

"What do you mean?"

"It was like he wasn't telling us something…keeping something from us..."

Lily laughed in his face. "Professor Dumbledore would never lie to us!"

---------

Dumbledore sat in his office chair, watching Lily and James silently leave the office and shut the door. He sat quietly in his thoughts until suddenly a voice called his name from a portrait on the wall.

The portraits on the wall of his office all displayed the past headmasters and headmistresses. They had proved to be great company and use to him. They greatly admired and honoured him, protecting the office from intruders, and, in any situation, supporting and sticking up for Dumbledore. Many mornings and nights he would have long conversations with them.

"Dumbledore?"

He spotted where the voice had come from. It belonged to a past headmistress from long ago, named Martha Cusick. She was an old, grey haired woman, who sat in a rocking chair, looking out a window showing a dull, grey sky.

"Yes, Martha?"

The old woman looked hesitant on speaking further. "If it's not out of place to say..."

"Of course not, please do continue," Dumbledore told her kindly.

She looked more confident to speak. "It's about those two young ones who were here just moments ago. I didn't want to interrupt you talking when they were here but…I recognise the spell involving their attached hands, I know the reverse spell to cure them-"

Dumbledore stopped her. "As do I, Martha," he revealed.

"You do? So you lied to them about knowing the reverse spell? But, why?" Martha asked, confused. "Like you said, they do not seem to get along. This spell could drive them to insanity-"

"Or, bring them closer together." Dumbledore said.

The witch didn't know how Dumbledore had come to that conclusion and remained puzzled.

"You do know there are two ways to reverse the spell?" Dumbledore asked her. Martha nodded. "There is the easy, quick way, involving the one worded reverse spell. However, I would like the two to separate by the second solution. The natural way. You know what that involves, yes?"

"Yes, Dumbledore...but, I don't think the natural way would occur. From what I saw from their arguing and bickering, it shows that the second solution, seems, well...unlikely to happen."

"I do know that they are so called 'enemies'. But I believe this spell could bring them together. Their ability to get along has caused some problems in Hogwarts, I must admit. I think the longer they are stuck together, the more they will learn about each other and reach an understanding." H

Martha forced a smile. "I hope you are right Dumbledore. You are either extremely brave or completely insane."

"I'd say a bit of both..."

---------

"I can't believe I bloody agreed to this." Lily muttered and she stumbled under the invisibility cloak with James.

"Evans! Will you stop bumping into me! You're not drunk, are you? Because it seems as if you can't even walk in a straight line!"

"Guys," Remus said weakly. The rest of the marauders, Remus, Sirius and Peter walked along with invisible pair as they made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. "Will you keep it down? People are looking." Remus watched nervously as he saw a first year press his ear to a wall listening for the voices.

Lily remembered back to the conversation in the common room. After James and her had gotten back, they were unbelievably hungry- but this was a problem. Just marching into the great hall with their hands like they were didn't exactly seem like a good idea. The Gryffindor house were already gossiping about them and they preferred it if the rest of the school didn't know as well. Even though gossip spread instantly in Hogwarts; they weren't taking any chances.

That's when James told her about the invisibility cloak. Lily couldn't believe it: he had an _invisibility cloak_!

_Little bugger! _Lily thought_. So that's how he's been sneaking around Hogwarts after hours doing Merlin knows what! Potter and the rest of marauders being invisible at any time they feel liked it makes me feel very on edge. _

She told them a list of horrible things they'd been up to, suggesting even spying on the girls in the showers in the bathroom. Of course, the marauders protested, denying any sort of that thing. They wouldn't sink that low and it would be against the girls privacy! However, Sirius looked extremely nervous and didn't answer.

So here they were: Lily and James under the cloak whilst the rest of the marauders walked with them. Unfortunately, the two were bickering and in the process startling and confusing a few people in passing.

"Try and walk around the people who pass. They are pretty freaked out by you bumping into them and then apologizing. The air doesn't apologize, Evans, although the air doesn't bump into people either."

"I can't help it, Potter! I've never been under one of these before. Its weird."

James narrowed his eyebrows at her. "Its not rocket science! All you have to do is walk with a cloak that's on top of you-"

"Prongs, will you shut it. Geoff's looking at you," Sirius pointed.

James and Lily looked over to a guy who was in their year, a Ravenclaw called Geoff, who was walking towards them with a confused expression. It seemed as if he'd heard James and Lily bickering.

The boy came up to Remus with his perplexed, disturbed face, turning his head in all directions looking to where the voices had supposedly come from.

Lily quickly blushed at the sight of Geoff so nearby; she'd recently had a crush on the boy. Predictably, he was the complete opposite of James. He had blonde hair and was more known for his intelligence and maturity. He was also a prefect, something James was not. James quickly noticed Lily's blushing and was thoroughly annoyed.

"Hey guys," Geoff said absentmindedly to the three visible marauders. He was still turning his head around looking for Lily's and James voices he'd heard. "Do you hear voices? It sounded like Lily Evans and James..."

_Did he just say Lily Evans? _Lily asked herself. _He knows my name! He recognises _my _voice! Don't panic Lily, calm down!_

It was as if James could read her thoughts. He could tell Lily was happy at Geoff's words.

_So, Evans has a little crush on ickle Geoff here, hmm? _James thought bitterly_. Well, I'll see about that. _

"Nope, nah, nothing. I didn't hear anything. Nothing at all," Peter said.

Sirius rolled his eyes at his inability to act cool in a awkward situation.

"No, Geoff. Dunno what you're talking about mate. We didn't hear anything," Sirius said coolly.

Geoff gave them another bewildered look.

"Are you sure? I swear I heard-"

James had had enough. He was bored by watching this conversation and just wanted to eat his breakfast now- and this thing with Geoff was delaying valuable eating time. He interrupted Geoff's talking and spoke in a ghostly, booming voice, sneakily disguising his own recognized one.

"Geeeooooff! Geeeooo-OW," James cut off suddenly after being hit in the stomach by Lily under the cloak. She shot him a furious look and asked him what on earth he was doing.

Remus and Peter were also confused. Sirius was the only one shooting a curious look to the invisible James. Unfortunately, he was looking in the wrong direction, so he was actually giving the curious look to a wall.

"Did you hear that?" Geoff whispered frantically. "Did you hear it?"

Remus and Peter didn't know whether to answer, so Sirius did.

"Um...no, I didn't hear anything," Sirius replied hesitantly, giving another curious look to the wall. _Hmm, what's Prongsie up to?_ he wondered.

"Geeeooooff! Beware Geooooff! BEWARE!" James called again in a ghostly voice.

The boy was petrified. Meanwhile, Lily was fuming.

_What the hell is that baboon doing? _Lily screamed in her head_. I'll KILL him! _

She was about to strangle him again but James had warningly got out his wand, pointing it to her, and simply shook his head.

_That little-Why did my wand hand have to be attached to his hand! Why me? This is so unfair_! Lily helplessly backed off.

"Geeeoff! Beware! Beware..." James called again, his tone slightly uninterested now. _This is getting a bit old now, better change it to something, like beware of the...something? _James thought hurriedly. "Beware Geeooofff! Beware of the...bacon? um...yeah! Beware of the bacon!" he said lamely.

_Bacon.Out of all the things to think of, bacon popped in your mind? Stupid, like he's gonna be scared of that. You've let your stomach control your mind again…_

"The _bacon.._?" Geoff answered to the air, his eyes showing fear and confusion.

"YES! Do not eat the bacon Geoff!" James finished. _Wow, if he believes this crap then he is''t intelligent as everyone makes him out, _he chuckled to himself.

By this time, Geoff was so utterly puzzled and troubled that he was walking his way hurriedly towards the Hospital Wing.

"Gotta go see Madam Pomfrey...the voices," Geoff muttered, and even started jogging to the Hospital Wing. He bumped into people in the corridor who gave him odd looks. "I hear the voices...bacon...beware the bacon..."

When he'd finally disappeared, the marauders burst out laughter.

"Did you see his face?" Sirius laughed hard. "Well done, Prongs! That was hilarious! Geofff practically crapped his pants!" he again said in the direction of the wall again, thinking James and Lily were there.

"I'm over here, mate," James said, still laughing as he tugged Sirius round to face him.

Lily glared at Sirius' comment about Geoff under the cloak. Luckily Sirius couldn't see her; the sight of Lily's menacing eyes might of made Sirius literally crap his pants.

"I have to admit that was funny!" Remus chuckled. "I do admit, for a minute I was thinking you were being completely stupid and was wondering what on earth you were doing."

"Thanks mate! You have little faith in me!" James replied, but was still grinning.

"And bacon, Prongs, why bacon?" Peter chuckled but was also confused.

"I've got no idea. It was the first thing that came to my mind. Must be because I'm hungry...I quite fancy some bacon now actually!"

The marauders laughed heavily.

_Boys,_ Lily thought in annoyance.

"Or maybe Geoff's face reminded me of a pig, which then linked to bacon-" James quickly halted after spotting Remus shaking his head, indicating to shut up. He didn't understand why until he remembered Lily was beside him and felt the pressure squeezing on his hand extremely tighter then before. In fact, his hand felt numb with pain.

"Alright, you've had your fun so can we please get to the great hall. _Now_," Lily spoke dangerously. It was more of an order then a suggestion. The boys looked worriedly in fear at each other before carrying on walking.

They continued walking in silence until reaching the entrance of the Great Hall and sighed with relief: the five of them were starving with hunger. The boys particularly longed for bacon at that moment.

"So, Potter, what's the plan again?" Lily asked, still annoyed with his antics at Geoff.

"Its simple. The guys go sit down at the table and we sit with them under the cloak. They make sure no one sits on us by saying that the places are saved. We ea, and then we leave. Easy."

"I hope you're right, Potter," Lily sounded somewhat nervous.

Meanwhile, Sirius held a quite sadistic smile.

Remus raised his eyebrows at him. _He's definitely up to something, _he thought. Sirius bent down and whispered in Remus' ear quietly, "They aren't getting away with breakfast that easily..."

"Padfoot, what are you-" but Remus had stopped talking to watch Sirius as he grabbed the startled Peter by the collar.

"Huh? What are you doing-" Peter began.

"Sorry Wormtail," Sirius apologized as he 'accidentally' pushed Peter. In tremendous strength, he threw him towards Lily and James under the invisibility cloak who had taken their first steps through the great hall. Peter screamed in surprise in quite an odd tone which sounded like a girl's. This made every head turn in the hall; professors and pupils.

James and Lily looked at each other, confused at the sound of wailing. They didn't have long to ponder over it.

Peter flew across the air, smacking into James and Lily. Lily made a shriek of shock and James cursed as they fell, sliding on the Great Hall floor. And -just to their luck- the invisibility cloak fell off them, revealing them to rest of the population of Hogwarts.


	6. James' Problem

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Chapter 6: James' problem**

Lily didn't want to look up. She was lying on her stomach –_again_— head face down on the Great Hall floor and in the same position as she'd awoke earlier in the common room. She didn't want to look up because she knew she wouldn't find anything good from it. She knew she'd find the whole of Hogwarts school who _had _been enjoying their breakfast, now gaping at them. She'd just plan on lying there. Hopefully no one would stand on her, merely step _around_ her. Maybe she could put a sign on her back saying 'please do not step on me'. Although, she thought the Slytherins would probably ignore that sign…

Anyway, lying there was perfectly fine. She'd just wait until everyone left for classes and so she wouldn't see their highly amused faces...

Meanwhile, James was groaning in pain. The sound of his groaning echoed in the silence of the great hall - apart from the sniggers and snorts from the Slytherin table. He could tell everyone's eyes were on them. James was lying on his side, his back aching because of how hard Peter had been thrown at him.

Awkwardly, Remus and Sirius walked over to the two lying on the floor as the school audience stared at them. Peter stumbled to his feet, clutching his head.

"Sorry Pete," Sirius cringed. "It was a kind of spur-of-the-moment thing."

Remus sighed, went over to James and gave him a hand getting up. Problem was, Lily had settled on staying on the floor.

"Evans. Get up," James muttered to her, as he sat on his knees, poking her in the back.

"No thanks Potter. I'm fine here," Lily replied.

James sighed with frustration. "The more you lie there, the longer people think you're having a mental breakdown and keep looking at you." He looked back to the staring faces of people eating breakfast, and waved. Some of the Gryffindor house even waved back; they'd thoroughly enjoyed the display in the common room, it looked like more was to come.

James spotted Sirius who was grinning widely. James remembered a saying someone had told him: 'a friend helps you up when you fall, but a best friend trips you and calls you an arse. Right now, let's just say James wasn't feeling great warm fuzzy feelings towards Sirius.

"Padfoot, I'm going to kill you," James stated.

"C'mon Prongsie!" Sirius laughed; only making James clench his fists. "My hand slipped..."

"Your hand _slipped_? Your hand slipped so hard it knocked Peter flying into us!"

"Uh...sure!"

To James' surprise, Lily had decided to get up. She brushed the invisible dust that was supposedly on her clothes - as everyone does when they fall.

"Um…Lily, are you okay?"

She turned to Sirius and he swore he saw a hellish, blazing fire in her emerald green eyes.

He cowered. "Uh..never mind..."

"Let's gets this over with," Lily whispered fiercely to James. She dragged him to the Gryffindor table to a space where her friend Anna sat, and parked herself next to her, wearing a moody expression. Anna raised her eyebrows, but Lily gave her a 'don't ask, I'm hungry and annoyed' look in return.

The rest of the marauders followed in suit, sitting opposite them. Lily roughly plucked a bowl of cereal, slamming the bowl in front of her - which made everyone wince at the sudden sound. She grabbed a spoon and clumsily scooped the cereal into her mouth with her left hand. It was a struggle for Lily considering she was right-handed.

James was quite amused by her situation. "Need any help, Evans?"

"No thank you, Potter," Lily gritted through her teeth.

She looked up to see that everyone in the Great Hall were still looking at them both, whispering to their neighbours.

"What are you looking at?" Lily shouted. The marauders flinched at her sudden screaming loudness. James blocked his one ear with his free hand. Unfortunately, his other ear would be unprotected. "What are you all looking at, people? Everyone stop staring at us and get back to eating! NOW!" She ordered all and sundry.

Immediately, everyone turned away and went back to eating their breakfast in fear of their safety. When Lily Evans was annoyed, the whole of Hogwarts knew about it. In fact, even the whole world. At the double, the marauders grabbed their golden plates of bacon and hungrily gobbled them up in seconds.

Anna looked away in disgust. "So, the whole 'you are what you eat' thing is true then," she muttered., watching the boys shovel the bacon and go back for seconds.

"Mmm, I love bacon." James stabbed his fork into the meat and chomped on it openly in front of Lily's face.

"Get out of my face, Potter." Lily was greatly aware of how close he was to her personal space.

Suddenly –however on great timing— the Ravenclaw, Geoff, walked into the great hall looking very agitated and on edge.

"Geoff's back from the hospital wing, then," Remus said.

The Marauders watched him as he sat down at the Ravenclaw table with his friends. A girl next to him looked concerned, asking if he was alright, but he brushed her off. She told him he'd feel better if he had some breakfast and picked up a plate for him; unfortunately, it was plate of bacon. The Marauders watched excitedly with anticipation to what Geoff's reaction would be.

"No..._no_!" He jumped away from her and smacked the plate out of her hand. "Not the bacon!"

"Huh? Geoff, are you feeling alright—"

"No, get away from me! The voices told me...not the bacon...don't eat the bacon."

The mention of the part 'the voices told me' made everyone turn towards him with curiosity.

"What's up with that guy?" A first year girl asked her friend, watching the fifth years.

"I dunno. He said 'the voices' told him not to eat bacon...clearly he's insane." The girl nodded in agreement. "For two reasons; one, because 'the voices' told him too, and secondly, because the bacon is damn tasty! How could you not eat it?"

The Marauders were cracking up. In desperation, they covered their mouths with their hands - at least, James covered his mouth with the one hand he had while Lily was ready to explode with anger.

Geoff promptly stood up and then ran out of the great hall wailing with his arms in the air. Everyone in the Great Hall watched him, giving each other wary looks. The hall was silent for a second before everyone started chatting, talking and continuing to their food. It had definitely been a strange morning in the Great Hall. The Marauders shot each other silent grins.

"This day was beginning to look bad for me. Geoff's cheered me up though," James said happily, as helped himself to more bacon.

"I can't believe you did that stupid prank to Geoff! He's a nice guy—" Lily began furiously.

"Oh, he's a nice guy is he? Isn't he supposed to be intelligent? Did you, or did you not just see him run away screaming like a girl because of bacon?"

"I clearly remember you screaming like a girl this morning, Potter," Lily reminded him.

"Oh yeah," Sirius said joining in to the conversation. Remus also nodded along. "I heard you Prongsie, screaming abnormally high." James reddened. "Weren't you supposed to tell me some story when I mentioned 'liar liar pants on fire'?"

Lily smiled devilishly. James remembered to his despair. "Yeah, Potter. Do you want to explain how your trousers caught on fire, or shall I?"

Anna and the boys burst out laughing.

"My 'pants on fire' thing was the perfect thing to say!" Sirius realised, quite impressed with himself. "I'm a bloody genius."

The others gave each other cautious looks; they obviously weren't thinking the same thing as Sirius was.

"So that explains James in his pants…" Anna realized.

"Oh no, I thought that was because Lily had took them off because she wanted him—"

"-Don't you even dare finish that sentence, Black," Lily cut him off, glaring. Sirius quickly backed off.

"I'm not even going to ask about Geoff and the whole 'bacon incident'," Anna stated.

"It's a long story," Remus told her.

"I feel so sorry for Geoff. That was a mean trick you did to him, Potter," Lily told him again.

"Oh _get over it_, Evans!" James snapped. "God! Just because you've got a crush on him! I saw you bloody blushing under the cloak. It was so obvious." James stabbed his plate angrily.

_What? _Lily thought_. Potter saw me blushing! Bugger! Wait...he knew I liked Geoff...and then he did that prank on him. It seems like he was...maybe jeal— NAH! He couldn't have been, could he? _

"So, you knew I liked him, then, Potter," Lily said, voicing her thoughts steadily. "And then, you did that prank on him. You sounded awfully bitter too. Geoff's done nothing to you. You sound as if you're—"

"I am not jealous!" James interrupted her indignantly.

Remus and Sirius gave him curious looks.

"Hmm, Prongs, _sure_. That outburst doesn't make you sound jealous at all," Remus said.

"Yeah, Prongs. It was strange how you did that prank on Geoff when you normally get along so well with him-"

"Shut up, Wormatil," James commanded.

"So," Anna said, trying to change the subject. "I take it from you guys still holding hands that going to see Madam Pomfrey was a complete waste of time, then." James and Lily looked at her with a 'well, duh!' look in their eyes. "I'm sure you guys will be freed in no time," she told them positively.

"I hope you're right," they said collectively.

Sirius gave a sly smirk to Remus. _I'm the only one who's got the book to separate them and they aren't getting freed anytime soon, _he thought silently.

As the Marauders, Lily and Anna carried on chatting –besides Lily and James who bitterly argued— James became quieter, nervous and jumpy. He was oddly fiddling with the knives and forks and blatantly jerking.

"Are you okay?" Peter asked worriedly, watching James fidget with his fingers and tap them on the table.

"Umyeahfine," James replied shortly. The others gave him a distressed, puzzled look, as James carried on fidgeting.

"Evans? Have you finished your food yet?" he asked her speedily. He jerked more, bouncing slightly up and down.

Lily gave him a bewildered look. _Okay, Potter's really freaking me out,_ she stated in her mind.

"_No_, _Potter_," she answered, just to spite him. "You'll just have to wait." She backed away from him slightly. Whatever he had she didn't want it.

"_No_, _Evans_. We have to go. Now. I need to talk to you. Alone. Now," James said in short, rushed sentences.

"Look, Potter, can't it wait, I'm still eating—" Lily started to say, but James had hastily tugged her arm and was towing her towards the exit of the Great Hall. "_Potter! _Potter, where are we going? POTTER!"

Remus, Peter and Anna watched them leave, each with bemused faces.

"Well...that was weird," Anna broke the silence of wondering.

"Yes. Yes, it was," Remus agreed, continuing to eat his bacon.

The three looked at Sirius who didn't look at all confused or freaked out in anyway. In truth, he was pleased and was eating Lily's left over cereal that she had somewhat discarded. Anna rolled her eyes at his ability to eat _anything _and _everything_.

Sirius noticed that they were staring at him strangely. "C'mon guys. You must know why James and Lily left in a hurry. It's totally obvious what they are up to." He said smiled cheekily at Anna.

"Whatever you're thinking Lily and James are up to, we are not going to do, Sirius, before you even suggest it," she stopped any presumptions.

"I wasn't thinking of that! But now you've suggested it, that'll be on my mind all day!" Sirius told her with a wink. Anna sighed with annoyance.

"What exactly do you think they are up to, Padfoot?" Peter asked, totally puzzled by the conversation.

"Don't be so naive, Wormtail! You saw how fidgety James was. He couldn't wait to get Lily out of here and gets his hands on her!" Anna looked at him with disgust. Sirius continued. "I bet 5 galleons that James and Lily are making out, right now."

"I bet 5 galleons they aren't," Peter told Sirius confidently.

"Gambling at this time of the morning?" Remus questioned.

"You not betting, Moony?"

"No thanks."

"This is one of the stupidest bets I've heard," Anna laughed. "How are you even going to know if Lily and James are making out anyways?"

"Aha! Peter and I will go follow them now." Sirius stood up and Peter followed in suit. "See you guys in class," he told Anna and Remus. He noticed he was leaving the two by themselves and whispered into Remus' ear, "Now's your chance Moony. I'm personally leaving Anna for you since you're my mate and everything. Go get her tiger!" He winked openly at him before leaving. Remus shook his head laughing at Sirius's antics and what he'd just said.

_I better stop shaking my head,_ Remus thought, _I've shook it so many times, I better stop before it falls off. _

_---------_

"Potter! Can you please bloody tell me where we are going?" Lily shouted at him again. Finally James stopped dragging Lily when he spotted they were alone in a corridor. Luckily most of the pupils were away eating breakfast. Lily looked at him strangely as he caught back his breath.

"I needed to talk to you alone, Evans," he began in a serious tone. James was still bouncing slightly and jerking his legs.

_Okay...he is really, really freaking me out, _Lily thought, observing him.

"Alright, Potter. But first tell me what the hell is wrong with you. Are you on drugs or something?"

"No," he told her venomously. Lily tried not to laugh. "I'm trying to tell you now. I've got a problem..."

_That doesn't sound good at all, _Lily wondered.

"Oh God, Potter, what is it?" she asked uneasily.

"I need to..." James mumbled.

"Need to...? Need to what Potter? Come on, spit it out!"

"I need to," James started again. Lily looked at him, egging him on to speak. "I need to pee, Evans."

---------

Meanwhile, back at the great hall, Remus and Anna were talking.

"What was Sirius whispering about?" Anna asked which made him come out of his thoughts.

"Oh, nothing." Remus replied, sipping his pumpkin juice.

"So, why didn't you go off to join them then?" Anna asked curiously.

"Nah, I'm not the gambling type."

Anna laughed. "You don't seriously believe that Lily and James would be snogging right now in the closet or something?" she asked.

"Of course not, this is James and Lily we're talking about."

Anna nodded in agreement. "What exactly was wrong with James though? He was all on edge and bouncy."

"I honestly don't know," Remus spoke truthfully. "He was all fidgety wasn't he?" He laughed. "It was like he need the toilet or something."

In cooperation, they laughed, but stopped abruptly when they thought about what he'd just said.

"You don't think—" they said together. They thought in silence for a second, realisation coming to them. They looked at each other worriedly.

"Oh God..."

----------

Lily stared at James blankly, not fully comprehending what he'd just said.

"You need to _what_?" she sputtered.

"You heard me, Evans! I need to pee and I need to do it now," he told her hurriedly, jumping on the spot.

If her hand wasn't attached to his, she would be laughing at him, telling him how much of an idiot he looked right now – but, unfortunately, her hand was. "This is a joke right?" she questioned him, tittering. She was clearly in denial of the situation.

"Why the hell would I joke about this?"

Lily shook her head. "You can't be serious!"

"Stop with the shouting! C'mon, let's go." James was about to go in the direction of the boys bathroom, but Lily refused to move and stayed her ground.

"You don't seriously think I'm going with you to the toilet, Potter!" James looked at her in shock. "There is no way I'm going! You'll have to...hold it in," she suggested lamely.

"_Hold it in_!" he echoed indecorously. "I can't bloody hold it in any longer! Besides, you should be lucky I don't need to do the other thing right now." Lily squirmed. "And we could be stuck like this for days, even weeks!"

"Don't say that," Lily said, becoming more disgusted and depressed. James made in the direction of the boys bathroom again but Lily stopped him for the second time. James groaned in desperation.

"Look, there is no I'm going to go with you while you pee, okay? You'll just have to wet yourself."

James smirked, an idea coming to him.

"Do you want me to _pee all over you_, Evans?"

Lily gaped at him. "As I was saying..." She croaked. "Lead the way."

"That's more like it." James dragged her in the direction of the boys' bathroom.

-------------

_Oh God, oh God, oh God! I can't believe this is happening, _Lily repeated in her head. She followed James down the many corridors of Hogwarts, her head looking down at her feet all the way.

"Just a little further...and we're here," James announced.

Lily looked up to see the door of the boys' bathroom standing before here.

"Oh no..." she said quietly. For some reason, she'd never been so scared to enter a toilet. James looked at her oddly. "Come on, Evans. You're wasting valuable peeing time." James was about to push the door when Lily held him back again. "What now? Can't you see I'm dying here!"

"I've changed my mind. I don't want to go in there," she revealed meekly.

James' mouth dropped open.

"What do you mean you've changed your mind? _I'm _the one peeing here!"

"I'm not going, Potter! It's a boys bathroom! Girls don't belong in there! It's a mystery to us girls..."

"What are you on about, Evans? A mystery? It's a bathroom which has toilets in it! There's no mystery! What do you expect to be in there! Hogsmede?" James suggested, "Another country?"

"Alright, alright, I'll go."

"Finally!" James pushed the door open and rushed inside. By now, he was _bursting_. He glanced at Lily and discovered she was shielding her eyes and trying to block her nose with her free arm and hand.

_Is she afraid the boys' bathroom will blind her to death or something? _James wondered.

"What are you doing?" James asked her. "You're going to bump into something and hurt yourself...what am I saying, you're putting your life in danger, carry on, Evans."

"Haha," Lily replied tonelessly. Coming to her senses, she took her free arm off her face. The minute she did, she cried in outburst.

"It smells like crap in here!" she declared, covering her nose again.

James rolled his eyes. "Well, people do that in this kind of room, Evans, it is a bathroom."

"Haha smart arse." Lily glanced around the bathroom. The girls' bathroom definitely looked nicer, _and _theirs smelled of lavender too. She hoped she wouldn't be coming in here again.

"So, Potter. How exactly is this going to work?"

James ran hand through his hair anxiously. "Well, I guess I'll just have to," he coughed purposely, uncomfortable explaining the situation, "well, um, do the usual routine of peeing with my one hand—"

"Okay, stop talking; please don't explain any more details to me. Just get on with it so we can get out of here."

"No peeking," James warned her. Lily scoffed. "No matter how much I know you'll be tempted to," he snidely remarked, giving her a wink as he walked up to a urinal.

"Just get on with it," Lily pressed, turning away in disgust as he unzipped his trousers and did his 'business'. Lily immediately heard the sound of liquid tinkling.

_I can hear the sound of James Potter peeing! _Peeing_! This is the most disgusting moment of my life..._Lily thought to herself as she used her free arm block one of her ears. The other one would be scarred for life.

The tinkling finally stopped and she heard the sound of the trousers being zipped, Lily sighed in relief that it was over.

"See, Evans. That wasn't so bad was it?" James told her as if she was a small child who'd just had an injection.

"I guess not..." Lily agreed. "Wash your hands for God's sake!"

James made his way to the sink and put his hand under the water. Unfortunately, not the hand Lily had been talking about.

"Not the hand that's attached to mine, dumbass!" she snapped, while James grinned slyly.

"I was joking! Lighten up, bloody hell." James noticed how uptight she was. "You should be glad this bathroom was empty—"

However, he was interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening, and just to their luck, it was a Slytherin. Even more to their luck, it was a snooty, blonde slytherin: Lucuis Malfoy. His piercing eyes spotted them immediately. James and Lily groaned in disgust at his appearance.

"Well well, what do we have here?" Malfoy said, keeping his distance by standing by the door, still holding it open. "The cocky Potter without his Marauder girls Black and Lupin. Ooo, and mudblood Evans, just to complete the revolting sight." James and Lily scowled at him.

"Revolting sight?" James gave Malfoy a dirty look. "Ever looked in the mirror Malfoy?"

He ignored his comment, and instead focused on Lily in the room.

"What the hell are you doing in here, mudblood?"

Lily gritted her teeth with anger. _Obviously he missed the performance in the Great Hall, _Lily thought_, he hasn't spotted our hands yet. _

"Don't call her that, Malfoy," James barked. Lily was surprised by how much anger he possessed in that sentence and how much he was sticking up for her. Malfoy ignored him.

"There's no way I'm stepping in here again, not after a mudblood's been here and infected the place."

Lily glared at him, she knew she should just ignore his remarks, but they still hurt.

"I said _shut it_, Malfoy."

"Potter—" Lily began, trying to calm him down. Malfoy suddenly spotted their holding hands and smirked.

"My, Potter, didn't know a mudblood had to hold your hand when you need to piss. I thought it would be a simple enough task to understand." He laughed arrogantly before shutting the door.

James wasn't going to let him get away with it that easily.

The instant Malfoy let the door shut, James sprinted across the bathroom, Lily dragged along in his wake. He was about to grab open the door and follow Malfoy when Lily's arm suddenly slammed the door shut, stopping James from opening it.

"Evans! What are you doing?" James looked at her heatedly. He tried to force open the door but Lily's hand forced it closed.

"You're not fighting!" Lily told him sternly. "Just leave the stuck-up git!"

"Why are you stopping me?" James couldn't understand why Lily was being like this. "Evans, you heard how much he slagged you off just now, more then he did about me. Calling you a mudblood like it's an every day term!"

"I know," Lily heaved a sigh. "He's so pretentious and arrogant." James snorted, as if to say he was a lot, _lot_ more then that and she was letting him off extremely lightly. "Remember the last time you and Malfoy got into a fight? You were in the hospital wing for days."

"I only had a few cuts and bruises...and maybe a few broken bones. Malfoy was worse off though," he told her proudly.

Lily rolled her eyes at his ability to bee so arrogant and smug in any situation. "Yeah, I know, Potter, you boasted enough."

James smirked, and then thought back to what she'd said. "That was ages ago though. End of third year, I think. You still remember that?"

"Yeah," Lily answered quietly.

They stood in silence for a second.

"Malfoy had no right calling you that—"

"Potter, I know," Lily cut in, hinting for him to just leave it. "I'm just saying, while your hand is attached to mine, there's no way in hell you're gonna fight anyone, understand? I want to stay alive, thank you very much."

"What?" James was confused by her words. "Evans," he began softly, this tone of voice startling her. "You know I was just trying to protect you from that scumbag Malfoy. I'd never fight in a situation where you could get hurt or get you in danger at all. I was only joking before."

Lily looked at him awkwardly, slightly touched by his words, but also completely freaked out by them.

"Er...thanks, Potter. That's nice to know."

They looked at each other, peculiarly, before the bathroom door opened again. Unfortunately, James and Lily had been standing directly in front of it, so the door slammed open knocking them to the ground. And just to Lily's embarrassment, she landed inelegantly on top of James, her body practically straddling him. It would have been okay if it were a stranger who'd opened the door of the boys' bathroom - unfortunately it wasn't.

"Woohoo! I won 5 galleons!"

The couple's heads turned to see a gleeful Sirius jumping up and down shouting, and even doing his own victory dance, whilst a grouchy Peter turned out his pockets, handing him coins.

Once Sirius had finally calmed himself down, he coughed blatantly to the two who were still inappropriately positioned on the floor. James and Lily turned to each other, brightening red as tomatoes.

Lily quickly lifted herself off James and they both stood up, laughing to lighten the situation

Sirius raised his eyebrows at them. "I told you so, Wormtail," he nudged him with his elbow.

"What?" Lily and James asked in confusion.

"Never mind," Sirius replied again. "_So_...sorry for interrupting a moment."

"Padfoot, you weren't interrupting anything," James said uncomfortably, glancing at Lily who was also looking nervous.

"Yeah, _sure_," Sirius said, unconvinced. "So, Lily, you like it in top do ya?"

A smack was immediately followed on the back of his head by Lily, and James followed suit with the same.

"Ow..." Sirius mumbled. _I only smack people on heads, not the other way round, _he thought moodily.

"How did you win 5 galleons off Peter, Padfoot?" James asked, trying to avoid the subject of Lily and him in the previous awkward position. Sirius carried on as if the whole hitting him on the head thing hadn't happen.

"Tell him later, Padfoot. We've got to go. We're late to Potions already," Peter said.

"We've got potions first period! Oh great! This day gets better and better," James muttered sarcastically, as the four fifth years exited the bathroom, not before there was lingering gaze between Lily and James. They made their way to their potions class, unfortunately with the Slytherins...


	7. Oh yay, Potions class!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 7: Oh yay, Potions class!**

James was not looking forward to the potions class for many reasons. The main reason was that he was afraid; afraid that he might just kill Malfoy or Snape within the first few minutes of class. He honestly didn't know why there were classes with other houses. He didn't mind the other houses of course; it was just the Slytherins that annoyed him the most. The four of them quickened their pace to the potions class, realising how late they were. Let's just say the potions professor was a right stuck up bi—

"Potter, Black," Professor Mansell greeted them angrily. Sirius winked at her which didn't lighten her mood. "Pettigrew, and Evans? I'm disappointed in you, Miss Evans, you are never normally late." Remus and Anna were sitting together, shooting them curious looks.

"Sorry Professor, Potter had toilet problems."

The class erupted into sniggers. James glared furiously at Lily for saying such a thing. Remus and Anna laughed; their suspicions of James needing to pee were correct.

"Sit down. You have already disturbed the beginning of my lesson."

_Professor Mansell is in such a chirpy mood today,_ Sirius thought dryly.

Sirius and Peter chose a desk next to Remus and Anna. As Sirius was about to sit down, he noticed Remus and Anna were sitting next to each other and gave him the thumbs up. Remus –in annoyance— moved the stool with his wand as Sirius was about to sit down, resulting in Sirius landing painfully on his arse.

"Moony! You''ll pay for that!" Sirius rubbed his backside –a few girls admiring that particular backside— as he checked to see if it was still in tact. "Must say though, good prank," he muttered. Remus smiled happily. Sirius noticed the girls who were perving on him and he winked at them as they embarrassingly looked away. "Don't worry ladies, it's still all there!" He smacked his butt loudly whilst the girls giggled back.

"Mr. Black, will you please sit down!"

Sirius bowed and sat on his stool.

Meanwhile, James and Lily had grudgingly taken a desk in front of their friends. They hadn't realised until now that they would have to sit together in every lesson until they were separated. Professor Mansell watched them evilly; it seemed as if she had still had a lot of shouting to get out of her, James and Lily being her main targets.

"Potter and Evans, I do not like seeing public display of affection in my classroom." The Slytherins snorted with disgust.

_The old cow probably has never experienced affection or been in a relationship,_ James thought bitterly.

"Professor," Lily gritted through her teeth. "We aren't doing this on purpose. Didn't Professor Dumbledore—" However, she was rudely interrupted.

"Professor Dumbledore has informed me of your...predicament." She cast a sickened look at the two. "And I must say you are both irresponsible and foolish. I'm taking ten Gryffindor house points off the both of you." The class groaned in annoyance. Lily sighed in anger, however, we all know James; he wasn't going to be quiet after what had just happened.

"WHAT?" James exploded to his feet, while Lily tried to yank him back down again.

_Oh no: here we go, _Remus thought_. James please, just keep your mouth shut_...

"You're taking house points off because of something that happened to us _outside _of class, that wasn't even our fault!" Sirius began whistling a tune and everyone turned to look at him oddly. James was so angry he hadn't noticed and carried on shouting. "That's bloody ridiculous!"

"Mr. Potter! How _dare _you speak to me like that! And mind your language in my classroom! I am _also_ taking house points off you for disrupting my class and being a nuisance!" Professor Mansell said in a rage. "Detention for you, Potter, tonight at 7 o'clock."

"That is so unfair!" James argued. Lily tugged at his arm again, looking at him with aggravation. If he had detention, Lily would obviously have to suffer detention with him too. _Bloody perfect,_ she thought.

"Potter, sit down. _Now_," Lily whispered furiously. He took his gaze of the professor and looked at Lily.

_Alright, _James thought. _I'll sit down for you Evans. _Two seconds later, he wondered why he had thought that and was thoroughly disturbed with himself.

He slowly sat down and sulked. Lily looked at him curiously, amazed at how he'd actually taken her advice. _Maybe he's finally growing up_...Lily thought…._Nah._

The class looked like it was finally going to start, until Malfoy decided to make a comment, just to lighten the cheerful mood in the room.

"Well, we all know who wears the trousers in your relationship, Potter! Mudblood's got you on a leash!" Malfoy signaled to his 'friends' sitting next to him –basic overgrown idiots who couldn't think for themselves in other words— to laugh along, by elbowing them in the ribs. He looked at them sternly and pointed his wand underneath their desks to their crotch areas whilst showing his finger and thumb an inch apart. The boys looked at each other with worry before laughing out hysterically. They didn't understand what Malfoy had been signaling under the desk but if he wanted them to laugh, they'd bloody do it or he'd probably whip them as punishment later.

After a few minutes of manic laughing, Malfoy thought it was a bit too much and signalled with a hand moving across his neck to shut up. The laughing instantly stopped.

"Go the hell Malfoy," James snapped.

"Be quiet Potter! Or I will have to take more house points off you!" Professor Mansell warned.

James sighed with anger and shut his mouth from another snide comment.

The class finally settled and Professor Mansell explained that in the lesson they would be making the 'The potion of Erised'. Because of James and Lily's attached hands, they would have to work together to make the potion. Professor Mansell explained that after making the potion, the students would drink it and hopefully if they'd made the potion right, visions would flash before their eyes, images of their greatest desire.

"Crap!" Lily swore as she cut her finger for the fifth time in five minutes as she was cutting the ingredients.

"Evans, come on, just let me do i—-"

"No Potter, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself!" Lily continued to struggle cutting with her left hand. James secretly fixed the cut using a healing spell. Lily hadn't noticed, concentrating too much.

James wondered why he'd healed her. An image of Sirius had suddenly popped in his head dancing and singing the annoying rhyme _'Because you love her! You want to kiss her! You want to fuc-' _James shook his head physically and mentally before that rhyme had continued any further.

He sighed as he carried on moving his wand which was stirring the potion. He'd lost count how many times he'd stirred already. He thought he'd probably pay for that later considering you had to get the exact amount of times for stirring. He'd lost count because he kept staring at Evans he thought for some odd reason.

_She's so stubborn,_ James thought, watching her as she refused his help again.

Lily stressfully tucked her red hair behind her ears.

_She does that a lot._

Lily looked up from cutting and spotted James staring at her.

"How many times have you stirred it already?" she interrogated.

"I—uh—um, 45 times," he answered hesitantly. She eyed him with suspicion before returning to cutting.

Eventually everyone in their pairs had finished making the potions and was sitting on their stools, ready to taste them. James eyed his and Lily's potion; luckily it looked the right colour and how it was supposed to be. He sighed with relief. Lily, again, looked at him suspiciously.

"Okay class, each of you take a goblet of your potions, then write down the results of the images of what you see in your mind as your greatest desires," Professor Mansell told them.

Sirius looked at Peter's and his potion with disgust. Unfortunately, their potion of desire looked, well, _undesirable_. Their potion was supposed to be red, not an ugly brown and the colour of faeces.

"Professor?" Sirius called. She turned and looked crossly at him. Sirius had scooped a spoon into his potion and watched the brown, gloopy liquid drip off it, extremely slowly. He dropped the spoon into the potion with distaste. "Professor, I think Peter messed up ours," he blamed. Peter did not argue.

"Black, you must drink the potion, and then you will know whether or not you have done it right."

_She bloody knows we messed it up! She wants to torture us and make us the drink the cup of muck,_ Sirius thought bitterly.

"Okay, Professor!" He acted cheerful, giving her a secret middle finger under his desk. He turned back to the potion and had found that the spoon he had dropped in it was missing. It had obviously melted or dissolved into the sludge.

"Mmm, yummy." He turned to Peter who looked nervous and worried. "Alright, Wormtail, ladies first!"

Peter looked at him with confused eyes.

"What—" Peter began. However, Sirius had already grabbed a goblet of their slime they had created, scooped it into it and shoved the potion down Peter's throat.

_Hehe, he's like a human guinea pig,_ Sirius thought gleefully. Remus looked at him with his eyebrows narrowed, then his expression changed quickly when he thought; _better him then me,_ focusing back on his and Anna's potion.

Once Peter had swallowed the entire potion, his face bulged and turned the colours of a traffic light; frst the bold red, then the pale yellow, and then suddenly the hasty green.

Sirius squealed in fright and backed away; Peter was stumbling towards him with his hand covering his mouth, and Sirius could only assume what would happen next. He grabbed Anna by the waist, who had been standing behind him with her back turned, busy writing some notes. She let out a confused "Sirius! What are you doing?" as he abruptly pushed her in front of him, using her as a shield.

Lily was about to drink the goblet of potion along with James, but halted their goblets to their mouths, hearing a girl's scream behind them. Instinctively, Lily recognised it as Anna's. The two turned around to see a ghastly sight. The Gryffindors gasped whilst the Slytherins laughed merrily.

Standing before them was Peter, looking shocked and scared, also with trickles of sick dripping of his chin; Anna standing in front of him, her eyes closed and mouth gaping open in disgust as her face, hair, and shirt was completely covered in a revolting, foul and nasty green vomit; and that _particular _vomit stank for miles. Everyone immediately blocked their noses with their hands at the stench and muttered an "eeeew." Sirius was behind Anna, his hands still on her waist from when he grabbed her. To Anna's delight, they were covered in vomit too.

"Aw, man..." Sirius let out a groan of disgust. Lily looked at Anna with pity but was also fear; after Anna had recovered she would not be happy-

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Anna wiped the vomit off her with her robes. She cried out in revolution as she tried to smear Peter's vomit off her and had concluded in getting some in her mouth. She suddenly felt sick herself.

At the sound of his name, Sirius had jumped, ducked and hid under his desk. He didn't want a black eye like James owned.

Grumbling, Anna grabbed the goblet of potion that Sirius was supposed to drink and chucked it in Peter's face. Everyone gasped, though Lily wasn't surprised. She'd seen her friend angry before and there was definitely more to come.

Anna seized the cauldron of the remaining ugly, brown potion, grabbed Sirius forcefully from under the desk and –to only Sirius' surprise— poured it over his head.

"_Nooooo_, my hair!" Sirius cried, as the brown, lumpy potion dripped slowly off his face and on to the floor. "My damn sexy hair!"

James and Remus laughed hysterically at the sight. James was exceptionally pleased considering what Sirius had done to them earlier.

Five minutes later, the class had settled again. Peter had been sent to the Hospital Wing to recover, and Sirius and Anna had been cleaned up so no traces of Peter's vomit or the horrid potion were on them. They both felt damp with soggy hair and the vomit had been removed from their skin, the smell had not been.

After all the commotion, James and Lily –for the second time—were about to taste their potion. They each grabbed their goblets.

"Well...cheers," James said, knocking his goblet with Lily's.

"Cheers," she replied.

They both titled their heads back and down their drinks in one. Both their faces squirmed at the taste of the potion.

"Definitely not desirable," James muttered. Lily nodded along in agreement.

They both closed their eyes, waiting for the potion to work.

Suddenly, flashes of images entered James mind. The potion of Erised was definitely effective. At first, the incoherent images that flickered before him didn't make sense.

Finally, the images moulded together and James was met with the bold colour of red.

_Red? Is that red hair?_ James thought confusedly. The image was blurry but as time passed, it became clearer. The image _definitely _showed red hair.

_Belonging to who though...oh no, please not—_His thoughts were confirmed. The red hair belonged to Lily Evans. He saw his face smiling at him in his mind.

_Oh God! What does that mean? My greatest desire is Evans?_ He was unaware that the image was getting slowly worse, showing more to him; a hell of a lot more. The image was traveling down from Lily's face, further down... _Oh my God! Evans naked! EVANS NAKED! MY GREATEST DESIRE IS TO SEE EVANS NAKED! AAARGH!_

He tried to turn away, but he found himself being curious and kept looking. _You pervert! Look away! Sirius has a bad influence on you, ya know! Just look away now! It's Evans!_

Meanwhile, Lily was also facing the effects of the potion before her eyes. She waited as the bolts of blurry images gradually became more lucid. Eventually a picture cropped up, what could be recognized as herself.

_What? My greatest desire is myself? _Lily thought_. I don't understand. Although, I have to say, my hair looks pretty nice there though…_

But the image hadn't stopped showing her, it was still continuing. The image gradually moved left, showing Lily was smiling at someone whilst fluttering her eyelashes.

_Fluttering my eyelashes? What's wrong with me there? My desire is to get some kind of eye deficiency? _

The image moved further left, until it showed clear and boldly—_POTTER! What's he doing there? He can't be my desire! He just can't! _

To her utter horror, Lily saw herself leaning into James Potter, kissing him deeply on the lips as they both smiled coyly. _AHH! NOOO! My greatest desire is to KISS POTTER! _

Both images exited James and Lily's minds at once. They opened their eyes and shrieked in shock to see each other's faces merely inches away, both breathing heavily and in alarm. In unease, they sprung away from one another, as far possible.

James tried to stare at anything other than Lily, but found his thoughts back to the image of her unclothed and his face instantly became as red as the striking red potion they'd made. Lily also turned away from him; she had felt her eyes staring at James a lip, and that was definitely not good news to her.

Remus studied their shocked and disturbed faces. "Hey, James, are you alright? Your face looks like it's seen—"

"Seen what?" James yelled. "I didn't see anything! Nothing at all!"

Remus quickly backed off. "Okay..." He looked at him oddly. "So, Lily," he turned to the red head who jumped, appearing high strung, "What did you see as your greatest desires?"

Her eyes widened at such a question. "Er..I…uh...I'm sure our potion was messed up," she said quietly, not answering his question and glancing at James who was eying her with a nervous look.

"Yes! I agree!"

"Why? What did you see, Prongs?" Sirius smirked, as if he'd seen his desire for himself.

_CRAP! _James cursed in his head. _What am I going to say? 'All I saw was Lily naked, no big deal!'_

"Um...I saw...me as...um...playing qudditch...for England?" James told them making it up as he went along. "Yeah, I was captain," he fibbed.

Sirius nodded, impressed. "What about you, Lily?"

_Oh! Me? All I saw was me kissing bloody Potter! Damn it! Stupid potion!_

"I saw me...as...Mistress for Magic," Lily nodded with much vigour, "_Yep_, that's what I saw!"

Remus eyed them both. "So, if you both got those images, then the potion can't be messed up then. You both wanted them desires right?" he asked confusedly.

James and Lily came to realisation at what he said.

"Oh yeah, yeah, you're right! Haha! Yeah! The potion was fine!"

They quickly turned around to face the front of the class, both avoiding eye contact.

"What's up with them?" Anna asked. Sirius was about to answer when Anna said "I was talking to _Remus_." Sirius looked down guiltily; obviously Anna was still annoyed about the whole Peter-vomiting-on-her incident.

James and Lily were sat in silence, both thinking about what the potion had told them when Malfoy had interrupted their thoughts. He called James from across the class.

"Oy, Potter!" James turned his head swiftly to frown at Malfoy's smug face. "So, what's your greatest desire then? To shag mudblood Evans in the common room?" James' confusion from the images of the potion quickly evolved into anger at Malfoy's words. Lily looked away with embarrassment. "No, wait, I'm sorry, you've already done that haven't you?"

"My greatest desire, Malfoy," James spat, "Is to see your body chopped into little pieces and fed to a pack of wolves. That desire might actually happen now if you like, if you keep on opening that bloody mouth of yours."

Remus instinctively looked up at the mention of the word 'wolves', and thought to himself, _nope, there's no way in I would eat him. _

"Be quiet!" Professor Mansell ordered. Malfoy smirked as he turned his glare off James and back to the professor, and James did the same.

Lily looked at James apologetically. "Potter?" she whispered as Professor Mansell was talking. James turned his head to look at her and tried to keep his face of normal colour and forget the images of Lily's naked self. "Sorry for stopping you in the toilet when you were about to kick Malfoy's face in. Next time you see him, you can most definitely punch him."

James smiled a little. "Gladly."

Lily turned her attention back to Professor Mansell who was writing something on the blackboard, when her hand was speedily tugged upwards. Her eyes landed on James who was standing and cursed the words she said seconds ago. 'Next time you see him' obviously meant to James the second his eyes landed on Malfoy.

"NOT NOW, YOU IDIOT!"

The class turned to face them, everyone watching James, who was watching Malfoy with utter repulsion. James was ready to go over to him right there and then.

"Potter, sit down, right this instant, or I will have to deduct even more house points. And let me warn you, Gryffindor do not have many left thanks to you."

James didn't take his eyes off Malfoy. The blonde smirked arrogantly back at him, beckoning him, asking with his eyes if he was man enough to over and hit him right in front of the class and professor bitch-a-lot.

_Look at him! That blonde haired git! It's as if he's daring me to...I so want to accept that dare._

Malfoy raised his eyebrows fiercely.

"James!"

He turned his head to see that more then one person had called him.

James looked around to see Sirius. His friend was nodding his head eagerly, telling him with his nods to go smack Malfoy's face off. He was also holding up his fists up in front of his face, shadow boxing, accompanied with rather embarassing sound effects. Everyone looked at him strangely, including James.

James then looked at Remus who was look directly at him, focused and shaking his head slowly. He was telling James with his eyes that hitting Malfoy was a bad idea and that he should sit down. At least kick Malfoy's arse outside of the classroom, preferably not in front of a teacher. Remus was always the sensible and intelligent one. James wasn't sure if he should follow what Remus told him this time though. He'd tolerated enough Malfoy's crap lately and held back a lot...too much, even...

James' eyes then landed on Lily. She was furious; her eyes were rolling at his stupidity. She couldn't believe or wonder why James was looking to see her opinion.

Nex,t he looked at Anna who was filing her nails with a pink nail file and had an extremely cross look on her face. James coughed lightly to get her attention but she continued filing. James swore he heard her mutter the words "Sirius Black...stupid...ignorant..."

His eyes dragged away from the girls as her anger was disturbing him.

James finally looked to Peter who had come back from the Hospital Wing looking an odd sickly colour. James beckoned with eyes for Peter's opinion on what to do. Peter merely shrugged his shoulders, totally confused. _Fat load of bloody help he is,_ James thought.

"_Mr. Potter_, after you've finished your staring contest, I advise you to park yourself!"

James took one final glare at Malfoy before silently sitting down.

"Finally," Lily sighed.

"Mr. Malfoy, you will also have detention tonight at seven," the professor informed.

James smiled with delight but it instantly disappeared. He would have to spend detention with Malfoy. On this note, he became thoroughly annoyed again. Malfoy scowled in response to his detention and gave the professor a dirty look once she'd turned her back on him.

Sirius moaned in disappointment because of no fight.

"Hey, how come he chose your advice over mine?" Sirius asked Remus, quite bewildered. Remus sighed, "Because I'm the most intelligent of the marauders, Padfoot."

"Then what's Peter?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Um…." _The cowardly one_, Remus thought in his mind, but decided not to voice it. "The, er, loyal one!"

"And what's James?"

_The too stubborn and too much pride for his own good-one,_ Remus thought.

"The brave one!"

"So what am I?" Sirius asked.

_The stupid one, _Remus joked in his mind. _Okay, let me think of something that he won't hit me for not liking..._

"The uh...flirty one?" Remus suggested, prepared for the smack off Sirius that he thought he was going to get for being called that.

To Remus' surprise, Sirius looked delighted at his title. "Thanks, man!" he said happily, patting Remus on the back.

"Um...your welcome?" Remus replied, a little confused.


	8. Library disaster and bad bad nifflers

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 8: Library disaster and bad, bad nifflers!**

Lily was tired. Being attached to James Potter was pretty exhausting; there simply was never a dull moment. All in one day she was had been a fireman –or firewoman as Lily preferred being called— putting out fires, a peacemaker stopping fights, and, er, an observer examining the surroundings of a boy's toilet?

She and James had struggled through the day of classes. In each class they had to endure the staring, teasing, pointing—or should I just say a long list that could fit on a five foot length of parchment.

It was finally dinner time, much to James' delight. The Marauders, Lily, and Anna exited the History of Magic's classroom, where James was eagerly discussing the subject of dinner to Sirius. However, Lily had other ideas. James thought they were making their way to the great hall - to his utter dismay, she was leading him somewhere else.

"Er, what are you doing? Have you forgotten which way the great hall is? It's in the other direction," James pointed, "Follow the smell…no, wait, that's Sirius odour." He blocked his nose, while Sirius let out an offended, "Hey! I don't smell that bad!"

"Oh no, Potter. We're going to the library."

Lily dragged him strongly by the hand, further and further away from his dinner in the Great Hall. Sirius laughed, thinking Lily was joking. In slow realization, he understood she was being serious and gasped in horror.

"The library!" James groaned. "Why?"

"We're going to start doing some research, and also find a spell that can save us from our toilet problem."

_There is no freaking way Potter is going to be going to the girl's toilets with me, _Lily thought indignantly.

"Bye then, Prongsie! Have a good time in the library." Sirius gave James an obvious wink.

James looked back at him oddly, not fully understanding what the wink was supposed to mean. Sirius clapped him on the back in a friendly manner; a bit too hard for James to handle so resulted in him coughing and stumbling a few steps forward.

"Bye, Anna. See you later," Lily told her friend and pulled James away from the boys.

Again, Anna and the two remaining Marauders watched James and Lily hurry off for the second time that day. As the three of them made their way to the Great Hall, Sirius smiled and started chuckling to himself again. Remus and Anna jointly gave him strange stares.

"Oh, come on! Those two crack me up! Hurrying off to the library, yeah right, like they will actually read—"

"Padfoot, you're not going to make another bet that James and Lily are snogging again are you?" Remus asked. "You didn't even win the last one. James already explained; yYou opened the door in their faces which made them fall to the ground in that, um...odd position."

Sirius snorted, "Odd position, my arse! Lily was practically getting it on with James on the boy's bathroom floor!" That comment earned a smack off Anna. "_Ow_. And I ask you this, why exactly were James and Lily standing in front of the door like that?"

Remus tried to think of an explanation but nothing came to mind.

_Oh my goodness,_ Remus thought. _Sirius Black has outsmarted me..._

"You have to admit, Sirius has got a point," Anna said quietly, regretting her words after seeing Sirius' expression.

"My, Anna, do I hear you agreeing with moi-?"

"Shut up, Sirius."

Sirius noticed her anger. "I take it you're still angry at me, then?"

"You used me as a human vomit shield!"

Remus interrupted before Anna made herself vomit on purpose on Sirius's face just to prove a point.

"By the way, where's Peter?" Remus asked.

"Oh, he went back to the hospital wing," Sirius informed.

"Why?" Anna asked suspiciously.

"He had brown bubbles coming out of him, very disturbing indeed. Especially when they popped and released a smell, and they were also popping out of _both_ ends if you get what I mean—"

Anna held up her hand as a signal to stop, "Too much information."

-----------

Lily was marching down the aisles of books in the library, picking out books that had any hint of anything to do with James and her hands bounded together, and also anything to do with toilet problems. She dumped them hastily for James to hold.

"Evans, you do know that I only have one hand to hold all these stupid books?" James pointed out, while he held a high stack that wobbled in his one free hand. "And why do you keep picking out the heavy, thick ones?"

_To cause you pain and torture to you,_ Lily thought resentfully.

"Suck it up, Potter. You're a guy. Guys are supposed to be strong, aren't they? Quit whining." Lily chucked him another heavy book that nearly made his stack topple over. "I think that will do for now." Lily pulled him towards a table and sat down.

"_For now_? Aw man..." James muttered. Reading didn't interest James much, only magazines with titles such as 'Quidditch brooms monthly' and 'Veela dreams' - and let's say _that_ particular magazine didn't have a lot of writing in it, more of the graphical kind.

Lily picked a book from the stack of the pile called 'Sticky spells in sticky situations and how to reverse them', sat down, opened the book and began to read. James reluctantly followed suit, grabbed a random book and sat next to her, _pretending_ to read. However, it had only been five minutes before James had gotten bored.

_What the hell is wrong with this place? Libraries suck, _James complained to himself_. There's nothing to do but read!_

Lazily, James picked up the book and placed it on his head for his own amusement. He tried balancing and seeing how long it would stay on his head.

Lily had been contently reading until she realised that James was fidgeting a lot because her hand was being tugged. She tilted her head up and saw James not reading, but being utterly useless instead; balancing the book on his head whilst his arm was out wide trying to keep him steady.

"Potter, stop it!" she whispered furiously.

Alas, James was a little shocked to hear Lily's sudden voice and turned his head. At such a quick action, the book fell to the floor, pages fluttering as it fell. The sound echoed in the quiet library and there were some annoyed hushed 'sssh!' from some pupils who had been rudely interrupted by the sound.

"I'd been timing myself for how long that book was balanced on my head," James talked audibly, "It had been 6 minutes and 23 seconds before you distracted me!"

Lily gave him an indignant look. "Will you keep your voice down? Besides, you're supposed to be reading and find out how we can get cured! Do you want us to stay like this forever?"

James looked at her, thoughts coming back of the first dream he had of her. Lily sitting with him by the lake in his arms…how comfortable and natural it felt while their hands were stuck together…the potion of Erised...

He found himself –or someone telling him in the back of his mind, possibly Sirius—saying a quiet "yes..."

But no way in hell would he admit that to Evans.

Before James was about to reply, he could hear the steps of an individual walking over. Lily mumbled an "uh oh" and James turned around to see a miffed Madam Pince, her eyes blazing as she picked up the book that had been dropped to the floor seconds ago.

"Do not damage my precious books, Mr. Potter," Madam Pince said venomously. James made a squeak in response. The woman scared him to bits.

She examined the book at all angles and dusted it off, even though there was no dust to be seen. It wasn't exactly like the library's floor was filthy: no way in hell would Madam Pince have that. She placed the book in front of James.

"You are lucky, Mr. Potter. The book has not been harmed."

_She speaks as if the book were her own child, _James thought.

"Be more careful, or I will ban you from this library," she warned him, then stalked off.

"God, what stick got stuck up her arse," he elbowed Lily with a laugh. She did not find it humorous and went back to reading.

The hours passed on. Lily read quietly through the books whilst James had learnt his lesson from the book balancing and was instead balancing quills or sticking the quill horizontally in between his upper lip and nose. He showed this to Lily who again did not find it as comical.

"Ook wot I cun do, Evuns!" he said proudly, in an unrecognisable voice. It was hard to do the trick and speak at the same time.

Lily rolled her eyes as she shut another book that was once more no use to her or James and had no cure of separating them.

"This is useless. There's nothing in these stupid books about 'hand sticking spells'," Lily grumbled. "At least I found a spell that will cure our toilet problems anyway. All you have to do is point to your self with your wand saying this incantation, once in the morning and in the night every day using this spell," she explained, pointing to a spell in a page of a book she'd found.

"How the hell does that work?" James asked.

"I don't know, Potter. Just somehow you don't need or feel the urge to go to the toilet. I'm just glad I never have to go in your reeking boy's bathroom again."

"Hey! It didn't smell that bad!" James protested. "It's so ironic how you've found the spell to cure our toilet problems after the 'peeing incident' this morning."

"Tough luck, Potter, that's just the way it is."

James resisted the urge to snap at her. "So, are we going now, then?"

Lily laughed, not the response James would have liked. "No way," James put his head in his hands in misery, "There are still a few more books we can check."

"Evans, that'll take _ages_," he stressed, "searching through all these bloody books. _I've_ got a good idea," he informed in an arrogant tone.

"Oh no," she shook her head, dismissing his idea before he even began to tell the vindication of it, "Your ideas normally turn out to be a complete disaster."

"No they don't! Look, I'm the one with the wand here—"

"Do not remind me," Lily muttered.

"All I gotta do is a summoning charm-"

"_No!_ No, no, _no_, Potter!" She shook her head in distress. "That's the last spell you should use-"

"Let me show you, Evans," James said with a wolfish grin, "ACCIO 'HAND BOOKS'!" He swished his wand.

Everyone in the library turned to look at him. Some even cried in horror, registering what he'd just bellowed. Hurriedly, the students exited the library because of what was to come. James watched them with confusion as they ran.

"You idiot!" Lily cried.

James looked at her with the same bewilderment he had given the library runaways. He thought his idea was _great_. He looked towards the books on the shelves that they were slowly shuffling out of their tightly packed places, until they finally got free. What James had thought would be a mere five or six books come elegantly towards him, landing in his hand which would amazingly impress Evans.

He was very wrong.

Around a hundred –or maybe even more— random books from the shelves had decided that they were 'hand books' James requested for.

They both screamed as the books soared towards them. Speedily Lily tugged James' hand and pulled him under the table they had been reading it, using it as a shield. Frankly, she wouldn't have minded James getting pelted at with books; he deserved it. However, in their current hand situation, if he was hit with books, she would have to be standing at his side doing the same.

They huddled under the table and listened to the sound of pounding books knock hard and noisily on the wooden surface of the table. They both blocked one ear that they could protect from such an ear-splitting noise.

"Potter!" Lily shouted angrily. She had resorted to shouting in such a place that had ordered quietness because she couldn't hear her own voice because of the thumping of the books, along with odd crashes in the room.

"How many bloody books are there on hands?" James yelled as more books kept crashing at the table.

"Obviously a lot!" Lily picked up a book she grabbed from the floor. It read '_Hand_y silencing spells'. She cursed. _Loudly_.

"This book could be useful to use on you!" She hit James repeatedly on the arm.

"Ow! It doesn't make sense though—ow! That book has nothing to do with hand spells—_ow_! The spell somehow messed up—OW!"

"No, _you_ messed up! The title of the book has got the word 'hand' in it though! Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with hands!"

James slowly realised what had happened. "Oh."

Finally, the bumping of books against the table stopped. James and Lily both clutched their heads in pain; they both headaches after that experience. They crawled from under the table and stood up to find a very messy sight.

There were books piled everywhere, not exactly in neat piles, but more like mountains you get in a rubbish tip. Chairs and tables were tipped over; a few aisles of bookcases had even fallen over somehow in the shock. There were also pages belonging to the books that had one way or another been ripped out and scattered in the air as they floated around the library in a type of whirlwind.

Suddenly a hand stuck out from a mountain of books and Lily shrieked in shock. Equally they could hear the muffling sound of a cry for help. The two of them stumbled over the books as they tried to pull the hand out. The person the hand belonged to finally got free, and James wished they hadn't helped the person after they discovered who it was. It was a violent, raging Madam Pince. James ruffled his hair anxiously. The couple winced as she began yelling.

"You are banned from this library!" she screamed at them. "How dare you harm my precious books? GET OUT, NOW!"

Speedily, the two stepped backwards towards the exit, but just a little too quickly for James as he tripped backwards unexpectedly. He landed on the floor, again, for the hundredth time that day. And, again, for the hundredth time that day, Lily smacked on top of him. They both groaned in pain, and also groaned at the fact they always seemed to fall on top of each other.

_We really have to learn that when we fall, we fall _away _from each other, _James thought, as he was beginning to think back to the images of the Erised potion, and was blushing every second Lily was still on top of him.

And guess who walked in at the library at that particular moment?

"I KNEW IT!"

Sirius cheered triumphantly, gazing at the two with his hands placed on his hips. He didn't seem to notice or even care that the library was in utter chaos. James and Lily turned red again at how they'd been caught twice in this uncompromising position.

"I have to tell Moony!" Sirius ran out of the library in an instant.

James and Lily swiftly stood up, and James looked to see what exactly he'd tripped over.

_A book..._ James thought moodily_. A bloody book..._

He picked up the book which read the title 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but curses will hurt me quicker! The perfect guide to curses!'

"Stupid books...trying to kill me..." James grumbled. He took his gaze off the book to realise Madam Pince was still looking at them. Her eyes appeared to be popping out of her head with anger. She was especially not pleased to hear James insulting her 'precious books'.

"What are you still doing here? Get out of my library and away from my books!" Madam Pince screamed at them again, "NOW!"

They swiftly ran towards the exit, embarrassed and ashamed.

"I can't believe that just happened," Lily spoke tearfully.

_The library, _Lily thought_, the one place I can get away from Potter because he doesn't go there, and it's destroyed and I've been BANNED_.

On great timing, a smug Sirius returned to James and Lily who were leaning against the wall outside of the library exit. Following Sirius, was Remus and Anna, and the two spoke a friendly 'hey there' but had been overpowered by Sirius' sudden excited talk.

"I caught you two both in the act! AGAIN! Damn it, I didn't even bet on it this time. Where's that Peter when you need him."

James and Lily sighed in exhaustion.

Remus was about to enter the library and catch up with some light reading, however - James stopped him.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you, mate."

Remus gave him a strange look before pushing the library door slightly open. Peeping inside, he saw the destruction and gaped. The distinct sudden voice of Madam Pince's shouting of "GET OUT!" made Remus shut the door with a snap.

"Well, thank you for destroying the one place I found comfort in."

"Don't mention it, Moony," James replied, clapping him on the back as they retreated back to the common room.

------------

Two hours later after the 'library incident', James and Lily were making their way across Hogwarts grounds where they were meeting for detention.

_There seems to be a lot of bloody incidents, _Lily thought moodily.

Professor Mansell had told them to meet outside the forbidden forest. Apparently the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Professor Lerangis, had a problem that needed to be fixed. Professor Mansell had suggested that the fifth years could 'easily' deal with it.

"She's a bloody potions teacher, why couldn't she of made us clean cauldrons or something?" James suggested.

"I dunno," Lily shrugged, "Probably because she fancies Professor Lerangis."

"Ugh!" James shivered, extremely grossed out. "That's disgusting! Professor Lerangis is old enough to be her son...maybe even grandson..."

Lily interrupted his disgusting thoughts with a question she was thinking about. "Don't you find it annoying how teachers make us do detention in the forbidden forest after they make a bloody fuss about it being forbidden?"

"I have to agree with you there, Evans, for once."

"And how they give us detention at night when its pitch black dark," Lily said, making many fleeting looks around.

James faced her closely. "Don't tell me you're scared?"

"Only at the fact at being so near to you in the dark," Lily spat at him.

They finally made their way to the edge of the forest and found Professor Lerangis holding lamps with Lucius Malfoy standing next to him waiting.

"You took your bloody time, Potter," Malfoy complained.

_This is going to be a long night..._James thought bitterly, _if I killed Malfoy now in the dark there would be less witnesses though..._

"Mr. Potter, and Miss Evans? Oh, of course - you're here because of the hand situation." He nodded in understanding.

Malfoy held a bored expression. "Can we get this detention over with already?"

"There is still one more person we are waiting for," Professor Lerangis informed, looking out in the darkness.

_One more person? But I thought it was just us three? _Lily wondered. _Who else got detention? I hope it's not a Slytherin..._

In spite of that, the person was worse; at least in Lily's opinion.

She let out a shriek as suddenly a pair of hands landed on her shoulders belonging to—

"BLACK!" Lily screamed. Although it was dark, the lamp showed his gleaming white teeth.

Sirius laughed heartily. "You should have seen your face! It was hilarious!" James also joined in, but halted after receiving Lily's glare. Both Lily and Malfoy made sounds of depression at Sirius' face. However, James was delighted.

"You're late, Mr Black," Professor Lerangis narrowed his eyes.

"Sorry. I gotta bit held up if you know what I mean." Sirius made a cheeky smile, elbowing James in the ribs. Lily rolled her eyes; she didn't want to know what Sirius had been up to, knowing it probably involved a girl and battling of the tongues. "As I always say sir, better late then never."

Professor Lerangis tried to keep his a stern expression but it eventually faded.

"You never said earlier that you got detention, Padfoot."

"Slipped my mind Prongs."

"Well, what did you do? Get magically attached to a crazy red head?" James earned another hit off Lily on the arm. "What's with the hitting at the arm? That arm's going drop off any second. Try and change the places, please?"

"Gladly," without delay, she hit him on the back of the head.

"_Ow_! Okay, I take back what I said. Just stop hitting me altogether. As I was saying Padfoot; what did you get detention for?"

Sirius looked uncomfortable and looked away in embarrassment. "I got it for...well...um...flirtinguhwithuhprofessoruhmansell..."

"What? I didn't quite catch that, Padfoot? Speak s-l-o-w-e-r."

"I said...I got it for...flirting with Professor Mansell," Sirius said quietly.

"WHAT?" The fifth years spat, including Malfoy who was most utterly shocked. He realised the others were looking at him so he quickly made a snide comment of "As if I care..."

"You _flirted_ with Professor Mansell?" Lily said in disgust. She really didn't understand him.

Sirius grinned. "Jealous are we, Lily?"

"Get over yourself."

"So, why exactly did you flirt with Professor Mansell?" James asked.

"I kinda forgot to do the essay she set us—"

"So _flirting_ with her was the answer?"

"Yes! Flirting is always the answer! Besides, c'mon, you gotta admit that Professor Mansell is hot in a kind of evil, bitchy, professor kind of way—"

Professor Lerangis coughed loudly. "That will do, Mr. Black. Let's get this detention started, shall we?"

"Yes please," Lily muttered.

"Now, unfortunately earlier today I was having a lesson with a second year's class when four nifflers escaped into the forest—"

"On no, not them horrific black fur balls," Malfoy spat.

"Yes Malfoy. What I'd like you four to do is go find them for me."

"Why did four nifflers go into the forest for, a midnight picnic?" James joked.

"I don't know, Potter, but I would like you four to find them for me. It is an easy task. I trust you all know about nifflers and how they are attracted to shiny objects." The four nodded. "I want you try and get them back_; unharmed_ please." The professor shot Malfoy a warning look, as if he was afraid of the nifflers safety in Malfoy's hands. The boy scoffed back as if to say 'I'll try but I'm not promising anything'.

"I have some leashes here, so when you find the nifflers –you can attach the leashes to them so they won't run away again— and a lamp for each of you." Lerangis handed the objects to them. "Now, I have other business attend to. I suggest you split up so you will find the niffler's quicker. I will check up on you later. If you're in trouble, then just send red sparks into the sky with your wands." Professor Lernagis began his way back to the castle.

"_Wait_, Professor Lerangis!" Lily shouted in outrage. "_Professor_, you can't leave me with these idiots!" The boys looked at her with affront. Frankly, she didn't care.

"Miss. Evans, you will be fine. I'm sure Mr. Potter will protect you."

_God, he's a cheeky bugger for a teacher,_ Lily thought. James smirked and made a vivacious wink. Lily replied with a sound of revulsion.

"You'll be my damsel in distress, Evans, and I'll be your knight in shining armour—"

"Shut up, Potter."

"_Okay then_. Professor Lerangis said to split up. Looks like Evans and I will go search one way, and you and Malfoy will go the other," James told Sirius. Sirius was extremely upset at this news.

"You're _abandoning_ one of your marauders for a _girl_!" Sirius cried in devastation. "I _never_ thought this day would come! I'd _never_ thought you'd choose a girl over me! Leaving me with this git Malfoy—"

"Watch your mouth, Black! I'm not exactly dying to be stuck with you either—"

"—This is a friggin conspiracy! You're ganging up against me—"

"Oh Black, will you shut up," Lily snapped. "Of course Potter and I will have to go together. Our _hands are stuck_; we've got no other sodding choice! Unless you would like to saw our hands separate or something considering we can't find the bloody cure."

"I think I might have a saw in the dormitory—"

"Padfoot," James warned.

"Oh, fine! Spoilsport! Let's go then, shovel face!" Sirius said stomping off into the forest, indicating to Malfoy to follow.

"I heard that, Black!" Malfoy yelled. "Here's your lamp!" Sirius had forgotten the lamp in the process of his hissy fit.

Malfoy threw it at Sirius. Unfortunately, Sirius hadn't turned around fast enough to catch it so it hit the back of his head - much to Malfoy's delight. The boy laughed manically.

James and Lily watched as the two enemies trailed off into the forest.

"I hope a niffler bites you on the arse, Malfoy! Or even better, bites off your balls!"

"Well, the bloody fur ball wouldn't have a problem biting your balls off would it, Black, because you don't have any!"

Their voices finally disappeared so the two were left in silence. They exchanged tired looks.

"Well, let's go this over with, then," Lily said.

"This will be fun. Operation: Find the Nifflers," James said unenthusiastically, as he and Lily made their way into the dark, gloomy forest.

-----------

"Here niffler niffler niffler, here niffler niffler niffler, here—"

"BLACK, will you _shut it_? You're repetitive calling is scaring the stupid mutt's off." Malfoy pushed tree branches away of his path.

"Well, at least I'm trying!" Sirius put a hand to his chest, "Instead of you who's just been scowling the whole time!" He made an ugly impression of Malfoy with his nose stuck up.

"Real mature, Black," Malfoy commentated.

Sirius stuck out his tongue and walked ahead of him, calling the creatures once more.

"Here niffler niffler niffler, here—"

"Black, I swear to Merlin, if you keep talking, I'm going to turn you into a bloody niffler and give you to Professor Lerangis myself."

"It shouldn't be hard to turn you into a niffler, Malfoy. Your face already resembles a niffler's backside." Sirius he raised his lamp higher as they continued walking. He was pushing through branches when he held on to one, pulling it back hard. "Oi, Malfoy, watch your face," Sirius warned him, grinning.

"What?"

Sirius laughed in satisfaction as he let go of the branch and it flung and hit Malfoy squarely in his nose.

"BLACK!"

--------------

Meanwhile, Lily and James didn't seem to be having any more luck finding the nifflers.

"Nifflers? Hey, nifflers? Where are you stupid little buggers?" James said irritably.

"Oh yeah, calling them 'stupid little buggers' is really going to make them come to us."

"Well, I'm running out of ideas, Evans. I can't believe Professor Lerangis said this was an 'easy task'." James cursed as he stumbled on a rock.

"Watch your feet; you never know what you might step in," Lily warned him.

James looked at her oddly. "What are you talking about—?"

Regrettably, he couldn't continue the sentence because he'd somehow slipped on something after Lily's word of warning.

He fell to the ground; head-first and on to his stomach. Luckily, Lily didn't fall with him, or on top of him this time, merely just bending to her knees. She placed her lamp on the ground. In the process, James had dropped his lamp which dropped violently to the floor. It had somehow broken and the light had gone out.

"I told you so, Potter. _Well done_," Lily spoke in a dry tone. "Now we've only got one lamp. Potter? Are you listening to me?" She expected a remark back but instead there was silence. "Potter? Hello?" She poked him in the back.

"I think we're on the right track," James mumbled to the ground.

"What do you mean?"

"We're on the right track to the nifflers."

"Why do say that?" Lily asked, looking at the back of James' head.

He slowly tilted his head up to face hers.

Without more ado, Lily burst out laughing and collapsed to the floor with him in a giggling fit.

"Well, considering I have what look's like," he wiped a hand to his cheek, "niffler's crap on my face, I'd say they're nearby." He used his free hand to wipe the nifflers revolting droppings off his skin. "Actually, I'll use my other hand!"

Lily's smile abruptly disappeared. "Don't you dare!" she warned, as James brought their bounded hands closer to his brown covered features.

"Ooo, Evans, _never_ dare me."

James forced Lily to the ground at sat on her. He wiped the foul droppings off his cheek, collecting them into his hand. They were still moist so it stuck to his hand with ease.

Then, whilst holding the struggling Lily down, he wiped the hand of nifflers poop into Lily's face. She squealed in repulsion as the wet droppings touched her skin. She let out a breath of anger as James smiled smugly back at his poop masterpiece across her features.

Lily made an unexpected smile, surprising James.

"You'll pay for that, Potter."

Lily pushed him off her and grabbed the niffler droppings, prepared for war.

-----------

However, Sirius was hardly having any fun. He had grown bored of the continuous insulting with Malfoy or hurting him with tree branches. So instead, there was complete silence as they made their way through the forest. The silence was kind of unnerving: it was just too quiet. He carried on walking, thinking Malfoy was behind him following; until he turned around and realised he wasn't.

"Malfoy?" He called out to the darkness. "Oi! Shovel face!" He looked around in all directions.

_I can't believe it! He ditched me! _Sirius thought madly. _A Slytherin ditched me! Unbelievable! _

He wondered if he should go search for Lily and James, when he heard a shuffling sound behind him. He turned around instinctively and spotted two fluffy black creatures popping their heads out of a bush, approaching him with wariness; it was the two out of the four nifflers.

"Aw! Aren't you two cute?" Sirius admired the two fluffy long snouted animals. The nifflers flinched at the sound of his voice. Sirius started to walk towards them. "I think I'll call you Remus," he pointed to the one on the left. "And you James!" He pointed to the right one.

The two nifflers stared back at him. They had no sodding idea what he was on about. They were nifflers, for Merlin's sake. They seemed to ignore Sirius and started playing with each other. They jumped up and down as they friskily hit each other with their flat paws.

"God, you two are lively, aren't ya? Just like brothers." Sirius happily watched them.

He regretted that statement at once.

Little niffler 'Remus' –or 'James', he couldn't really remember which one was named which now— what was more important was that one niffler decided to climb on top of his so called 'brother' and started humping them.

"Oh God,_ oh God_! Not that kind of lively! Oh no!" Sirius exclaimed. "Bad Remus, bad James! Get off your bother!"

He didn't know what to do. Neither niffler seemed to be listening, so he acted on instincts...he gave the niffler a _little_ kick to the side.

_Big mistake_.

Apparently, nifflers don't like to be kicked, no matter how lightly Sirius had done it. The kicked niffler growled at him.

"I was doing you a favour, little guy! You've got serious issues." Sirius didn't think at all why he was still speaking to a niffler. He got out the leashes Professor Lerangis gave to him earlier. Promptly, the nifflers backed away. Rumour has it that nifflers don't like leashes that much after all.

"No! Don't go! Don't make me stun you!" Sirius warned. Apparently, nifflers don't like to be threatened with stunning either, and they growled at him again.

_Crap! Think of something, Padfoot! Um, they like...shiny things! Shiny things! _Sirius thought the plan hurriedly in his head. _Show them something shiny and then put the leashes on them!_

Quickly, he tried to think of any object he had on him that was sparkly or shiny in any way. He remembered he had a shiny-ish watch on his wrist that had been covered by his robe. He put his lamp down and speedily rolled the sleeve off his robe of one arm, showing the gleaming watch that shined in the half moon's light.

"Look here nifflers, shiny thing!" Sirius said enthusiastically.

Apparently the nifflers hadn't seen a shiny object in a long time, because the minute Sirius showed the sparkly watch, the niffler named 'Remus' had instantly pounced at Sirius wrist that the watch belonged on.

_Oh crap,_ Sirius thought.

The instant the niffler had jumped on to Sirius' wrist, and he screamed. It seemed as if the niffler had aimed to get the watch. Unfortunately, the niffler had bad aiming skills because it had launched and dug his teeth on to Sirius' hand.

"OOOW!" Sirius roared. "BAD REMUS! You're biting my hand off! OOOW!" He tried to shake the niffler off his hand which had somehow glued his teeth shut on to it. Sirius cried in pain and found his gaze on the other niffler 'James'. Still groaning in pain, he watched 'James' who seemed to be watching his crotch area.

_What the hell? _Sirius thought, panting in pain_. What's he looking at?_

Still trying to shake 'Remus' off him, he looked down to his crotch and found something sparkling. It was the zipper of his trousers, and we all know how niffler's love things that sparkle.

"Oh shi—"

------------

"AAAAAAAARGH!"

James and Lily had been busy mashing droppings into each other's faces when they heard the scream. James –who had been sitting on Lily— turned his head in the direction of the sound, looking worried.

"Was that Sirius?" he asked.

"It did sound oddly like him. Maybe we should go get up and find him," Lily suggested.

"Yeah…" James looked embarrassed as his face was slightly red at the position he was sitting on her. They both got up with accompanied titters.

_Thank God for the dark,_ James thanked mentally.

Lily looked down at her own clothes, realising she was covered in droppings and mud and looked to see James was in the same situation.

"How are we going to explain this to Sirius?" Lily asked, laughing slightly.

"You know Sirius; he'll come to his own conclusions."

"That's what I'm worried about."

After a few minutes of walking through the forest, they found a figure a few metres away lying on the floor, groaning audibly.

"Padfoot!"

James and Lily exchanged worried looks and ran up to the boy, kneeling on the ground beside him. Lily tried not to laugh when she found Sirius was holding protectively of his groin area.

"What the hell happened to you, Black?"

"Are you alright mate?" James asked in a more sympathetic tone.

"I've been...mugged..." Sirius said in between breaths.

"Mugged, by who?" Lily questioned. "What did they take?" Even though she didn't particularly like Sirius, she was still concerned.

"Nifflers..." Sirius mumbled.

James and Lily shared a look of bewilderment.

"Nifflers?" James asked with raised eyebrows.

"Remus ran off...ran off...with my...watch..."

"Remus?" Lily said abruptly. "Remus was here?"

"James...bit me...in the...balls..."

Lily looked at James with amusement, a look saying a curious 'Oh really?'

"Where's bloody Malfoy?"

"Ditched me...gone...to hump...nifflers..." Sirius answered James groggily, before blacking out.

"Can't argue with you there mate," James said.

Lily poked Sirius in the face. "Looks like Black's passed out," she stated.

"You can tell that by poking him?" James laughed.

"Don't take the piss out of me! Apparently you're the one who bit him in the balls!" Lily accused.

"Sirius must have hit his head on something." James picked up one of his arms and started dragging him towards the direction he thought was the way out of the forest. Lily followed suit and grudgingly picked up his other arm and helped pulling him along, both not realising that they'd dragged him through another trail of niffler's droppings.

Sirius groaned in pain in his unconscious state as they dragged him painfully over a few boulders, a tree root and 'accidentally' –as Lily had protested— into a tree trunk itself.


	9. Creatures and tension

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 9: Creatures and tensions**

James and Lily were still plodding through the forest –still dragging the unconscious Sirius carelessly across the ground— when they both came to a conclusion: they were utterly lost. This was not good news. Being lost in the forbidden forest was like getting sunburnt on your backside: basically a right pain in the arse. What James had thought was the right direction towards the exit of the forest had been completely wrong. Lily wasn't surprised.

"Evans," James began, preparing for Lily's fury to come, "I think we're lost."

"No shit, Sherlock," she replied moodily.

"Huh? Who's Sherlock?"

Lily sighed, "Never mind. I thought you knew where we were going, that's why I followed you! Now we're lost. Great, well done Christopher-bloody-Columbus."

"What? Will you stop insulting me by calling me names I don't understand?"

"Nope, it's fun." Lily smiled evilly. They carried on walking until James dropped Sirius' arm in exhaustion and ambled over to a tree, with Lily being pulled along in his steps. "Potter? What are you doing? Have you had a concussion as well as Sirius?"

"Ya know," James brought a hand to his chin, "We must be walking around in circles because I'm sure I've seen this tree before." He squinted, looking at the tree trunk and branches. He gazed at the tree as if it would somehow respond and confirm his suspicions.

"How can you tell? All these trees look the same," Lily said.

James gestured a finger towards her. "You maybe right there…"

"You're delirious, Potter," Lily remarked. She examine at the tree for herself. "Hey, don't bowtruckles live in these trees?" she asked curiously.

However, James wasn't listening. For some odd reason he was taking out his anger. _At the tree_.

"Stupid tree! If only you would bloody respond and tell us how to get out of this niffler crapper forest!" James wailed his arms in the air like a madman.

"Potter, why are you yelling at a tree? You _must_ be delirious."

_Probably because he's exhausted..._Lily thought, noticing the sweat dripping from his forehead_. Although I'm exhausted too and I'm not yelling at a bloody tree,_

"I hope somebody cuts you down, you-you...useless, overgrown shrub!"

_Oh God. He's insulting the tree now..._

"Don't some of these trees make our wands, Potter? I wouldn't call them useless-" Lily swiftly stopped speaking when James started hitting the tree with his fists in frustration. He howled in pain and began kicking the tree because of the throbbing it caused him.

"Don't do that, Potter! Have you lost your mind?"

Apparently, James had indeed lost it. He was also most definitely not prepared for a swarm of bowtruckles who had been living in that particular tree –which he'd been brutally hitting— to attack him for his actions.

"Huh, what the—?" James was cut off as he saw the tiny pixie-ish creatures that looked oddly like twigs fling themselves at him; not just at him, but more specifically at his eyes. He shrieked as he spotted their sharp fingers as they pounced on his glasses, trying to scrape through them and gorge his eyes out. At least James had his glasses as protection, but he had a feeling they wouldn't last much longer as the bowtruckles were attacking them with fury.

"EVANS!" James waved violently with his hand at the bowtruckles that were flying at his face. "HELP ME!"

"I've got my own problems, Potter!" Lily shouted in return. Even though she hadn't attacked the tree, the bowtruckles had decided that she must also be some kind of threat or companion of the 'tree-beater', so were also trying to gorge her eyes out as well; or maybe they were just trying to blind her just for the pure fun of it. She had no glasses so was in more of a difficult situation, and let's say Lily valued her eyes very much.

They both staggered backwards as the flying creatures tried to assault them, further behind which led them to Sirius' unconscious body. Funnily enough, the bowtruckles had decided not to attack him. James stumbled over Sirius legs, luckily not falling over for once, whilst Lily stepped clumsily on his Sirius stomach, not that Lily minded as he made a loud groan in pain.

In quick thinking, Lily spotted the lamp beside Sirius and speedily grabbed it, waving and hitting the annoying creatures that threatened to make her permanently blind.

_I don't care if they are magical creatures that shouldn't be harmed! _Lily thought angrily. _They're attacking my face!_

The plan seemed to work as the bowtruckles backed off from the light in shock. Much to her relief, they left her alone. James wasn't so lucky. There were no other lamps and the creatures didn't seem to be getting off him anytime soon.

"OW! Bloody flying twig things!" James moaned as a nasty bowtruckle bit him painfully on the neck.

_They're like vampires! They're sucking out my blood!_ _I need blood! _James thought, quite outrageously_. I'm positive it's a necessary important thing to keep me alive! _

"Now will you help me, Evans!" he begged.

Lily sighed. "Fine, if I must."

She flung the lamp repeatedly at the bowtruckles surrounding James face. They eventually backed off and flew off in annoyance, back into their habitats of the trees.

Unfortunately, when Lily was waving the lamp violently in the air; at her final swing she accidentally swung the lamp off course, instead, hitting James' face.

"Bugger! Potter, I'm sorry!" Lily immediately apologized as she watched him stumble and clutch his forehead in pain.

James didn't respond to the apology because he'd promptly fallen backwards. His eyes rolled back and he collapsed to the forest floor, Lily also falling to her knees beside him.

_I can't have hit him that hard! _Lily thought. She poked James in the face as his eyes were shut and expression of surprise, just as she'd done with Sirius as he lay sprawled on his back. The poking technique she used a lot.

"Oh, crap." Lily realised James was out cold.

Suddenly, she heard the sound of groaning and shuffling next to her. Turning in the direction of the sound, she breathed a sigh of annoyance at where it had come from.

"Huh?" Sirius mumbled groggily. He noticed he was covered in mud and what looked like to be something's droppings. He was also greeted with the sight of Lily exhaling noisily as she watched a passed out James who not only still had his black eye, but a bump on his forehead to complete his battered look.

------------

Twenty minutes later, Lily –and Sirius this time- were pulling the unconscious James lying on his back along the forbidden forest's ground.

_Why couldn't I be knocked out? _Lily wondered. _It always has to be the stupid boys._

"I have to say, you'd make a good beater for the Gryffindor quidditch team. You knocked out James completely," Sirius said impressively.

"Thanks, Black. But I'm not a fan of heights so quidditch is out of the question for me." She looked over at Sirius who appeared to be walking oddly and letting out the occasional whimper of pain. "I'm not even going to ask what happened to you earlier. The word's 'Remus mugged me' and 'James bit me in the balls' confused me enough."

"Yeah, the story is rather disturbing. I'd rather not tell you it and re-live the traumatic experience in my head." Sirius winced as he rubbed the teeth marks on his hand.

"I'm glad to hear that. So where exactly did Malfoy disappear off to?" Lily asked, still chatting as the darkness was quite unnerving.

"I told you already, he went to go hump the nifflers."

"I thought you were joking."

"Well, the more times I say it, the more believable it is to me. Besides, you know what a sick twat Malfoy is." Even saying 'Malfoy' made him pull a face of repulsion.

"That's true," Lily agreed.

"And those nifflers were horny buggers," Sirius added.

"Uh.._what_? How would you know if the nifflers were horny? Not unless you...oh my God, Black! That's sick, y_ou_ and the _nifflers_!" Lily said in horror.

"What! No, that's not what I meant!" Sirius protested. "I just saw them, they were, well, um, frisky and—"

"So you were watching them were you, Black? Oh, that's horrible. You're some kind of magical creature pervert!"

"WHAT? No—but—I—didn't—damn it!" Sirius cursed as he couldn't get his words out and gave up.

Lily laughed and they continued walking. It wasn't that hard for her to pull James considering her hand was stuck to his. Sirius, however, was annoyed considering he was injured and was dragging another injured person: this was clearly not right to him. He wished he could have stayed unconscious or at least faked it so he wouldn't keep heaving James' body.

"Bloody hell, when James wakes up, tell him he need's to go on a diet!"

Lily was about to gladly concur but an unexpected protest of 'Hey, I heard that!' halted their walking. They looked at each other, mystified.

"Okay...that was either the sound of your stomach speaking, Black, or the supposedly James Potter who should be passed out right now. If it is the latter, then he will die a slow and painful death."

They titled their heads down to see the allegedly 'passed-out' James, wide awake and running a hand through his hair. Lily and Sirius were not pleased.

"Unfortunately the latter, but Evans, you can't necessarily kill me because of many reasons. One: I was indeed unconscious until ten minutes ago and...er, okay, I got nothing else," James said regretfully.

"Okay, I'm trying to think why exactly you didn't say anything ten minutes ago when you woke up...still trying to think why..._still trying_..." Sirius got more and more annoyed every second.

"Stop rambling, Black, so I can strangle him."

James stuck out his arm protectively in front of his neck.

"No! No, wait! I've thought of another reason!".

Lily sighed with annoyance. "Now look what you've done, Black! While you were babbling on, he thought of a reason that may stop me from killing him!" Her eyes blazed.

"Sorry," Sirius apologized, afraid Lily might cut off his tongue with her piercing eyes.

"Okay, my other reason is, you can't kill me because then you'd have to carry a dead body around with you all—"

"You used that excuse this morning, Potter," Lily cut in tiredly. "You can't use the same reason twice. It's against the rules."

James shot her a strange look. "What rules?"

"My rules," Lily answered venomously.

James cowered. "Okay, okay. I didn't say anything because I wanted to see if you guys would talk about me. Unfortunately, you didn't, which I am very insulted about by the way! And all you bloody talked about was the topic of 'the berk Malfoy' and 'Sirius the animal pervert'," such interesting discussions at the Gryffindor great hall dinner table.

"I am not an animal pervert!" Sirius objected. "A pervert maybe, but definitely not an animal pervert!" The boys smirked at each other.

"Okay Potter, since you've got no other reasons, I can consequently strangle you-"

"No! Wait—I thought of two other reasons!"

Lily scowled at him, noticing his arrogant smile which would mean that these reasons would definitely as conceited since they would be coming out of such an egotistical person.

"What are they?" she asked eventually.

"Because I'm incredibly handsome."

Lily rolled her eyes. It was just the answer she had expected.

"And, since you knocked me on the head with a lamp, I'd say we were even." James looked at her smugly, pointing to the bump that had formed boldly on his forehead. Lily was about to argue but she knew James was right, and she even felt a bit sorry and sheepish for the accident of hitting James –although Lily had dreamed many times to hit James in many situations— but she thought he had suffered enough since he had been punched and slapped that morning.

_Damn him! _Lily thought furiously, _Making me feel guilty…_

"Fine, Potter," she grumbled.

James grinned happily in response, still lying on the floor.

"So...are you going to give me the pleasure of helping me up?"

"I'll give you the _pleasure_ of knocking you out again if you don't get up by yourself, you lazy git."

Sirius chuckled as he gave a hand to James and pulled him to his feet.

Sirius faked affront and narrowed his eyebrows at his friend. "Ya know, you're one sneaky git," he told him James.

"I know, but that's why you love me," he replied, and was startled by a loud, forced cough by Lily.

"I hate to interrupt your gay moment," Lily commentated, "But do you see something unbelievably white over there?" The boys ignored the statement of having a gay comment and looked to where Lily was pointing to. Some sort of creature was slowly coming towards them; the creature was gleaming white and the fifth years had to shield their eyes.

"Whatever it is, it's blinding me," Sirius muttered in annoyance.

Finally, the creature got close enough for them to recognise it. Lily gaped with awe. It was now close enough to distinguish but the boys were still puzzled on what it actually was.

"Wow, it's a unicorn!" Lily revealed breathlessly.

Unicorns were rarely seen so she was amazed. The creature was beautiful. The boys didn't admire the beauty as much; they were more into 'manly' creatures. Lily stepped towards the horned animal so she could stroke it. James abruptly stopped her, looking agitated.

"Are you sure it's not dangerous?" James asked. He looked at the unicorn wearily as it pawed the ground with its golden hooves.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "The thing does look a bit uptight." He eyed the creature from afar.

"I'm sure it's not dangerous," Lily told them, batting a hand. _At least...I think it's not..._she wondered.

"Besides, it's too cute to be dangerous," Lily said lamely.

"But I'm cute and I'm dangerous," Sirius said brashly.

Lily rolled her eyes. She didn't want to talk anymore or listen to Sirius explain how 'handsome' he was, she just wanted to go stroke the unicorn because it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Lily –now with more confidence— stepped towards the unicorn whilst James was pulled along with her. Sirius followed reluctantly. Neither of the boys were keen on animals at the moment considering that night the magical creatures tried to physically harm them both.

_Somehow, I think nothing good will come of this,_ James stated mentally.

The trio now had gotten closer, merely only a few metres away from the jittery unicorn. The creature focused on Lily and didn't seem to mind her appearance.

Then, the unicorn's eyes landed on the _boys_.

Suddenly, the unicorn was pounding its golden hooves at the ground rough and fiercely.

James tittered. "I don't think it likes us," he said in abnormally high voice.

Sirius agreed. "That horn looks pretty sharp," he commentated.

"Oh come on," Lily snapped. "Don't be such babies."

She took a bolder step towards the creature, dragging James with more force. This step seemed just too far for the unicorn to handle. The creature made a sort of grunt noise and took an unexpected step towards them in return, not exactly in a friendly manner.

"Um, since when do unicorns grunt?" Sirius asked, noticeably sweating.

"Well it's bloody grunting now, Padfoot."

Slowly Lily remembered back to a Care of magical creatures lesson with Professor Lerangis where he was explaining about unicorns. She recalled a _very_ important detail, and her eyes widened. The boys immediately looked at her, noticing her sudden agitated self.

"Um...I think I remember Professor Lerangis telling us an important thing about unicorns," she said quietly, watching the creature take another furious step towards them.

"What exactly was it?" Sirius eyed the unicorn.

"Well, um, something about them only liking a girl's touch and not being so keen on boys—"

Before she could finish, the unicorn had bowed down his head so its horn was straight out and had speedily charged towards them, grunting and galloping. The boys yelled as the offensive unicorn's horn was aimed at their buttocks.

-----------

After manic running through the forest, they had eventually managed to loose the crazy chasing unicorn. Regrettably –although the boys had run away from the unicorn's spiking horn, it had somehow managed to get two lucky shots and had painfully pierced James and Sirius' buttocks. At the time, Lily was frightened as the unicorn was attacking them. Of course, she found it hilarious now it was over and was laughing at the boys injuries.

"Oh, it's too cute to be dangerous!" Sirius mimicked Lily's voice. He rubbed his arse and sighed painfully. Not only was Sirius walking oddly before because of the niffler accident, his walk was even worse now after the unicorn had brutally attacked him. "My butt is one of my so many godly features!" This comment made Lily laugh even harder.

"I'm dying," James complained as they ambled.

"Oh Potter, you're over exaggerating. Besides, the unicorn did us a favour."

"_What_? How exactly did that bloody creature help us in any way?" James asked in annoyance.

"Look ahead." Lily pointed in front of them.

The boys both feared looking in front of them; bad things had happened last time the red head had pointed something out to them. The boys turned their heads slowly and found themselves sighing with happiness.

Hogwarts was magnified in front of them.

"Oh thank-bloody-God," Sirius cheered. He bent down and kissed the grass in joy.

They were finally out of the forest, and had been chased the way of at a sacrifice of pain in their arses – in James and Sirius' case. As they were all laughing happily at the sight of school –which was an odd feeling- they saw Professor Lerangis walking toward them, eyeing them curiously.

"My goodness, what happened?" he questioned as he took in the fifth year's appearance. He noticed the new bump on James head that wasn't there before and Lily swiftly avoided his eye contact, taking a sudden interest in the length of her fingernails.

"Long story sir. We couldn't find the nifflers and we got into a bit of trouble." Sirius said, still rubbing his arse. The professor looked at him oddly. Sirius caressing his buttocks was not a pretty sight - well, at least not to him.

"Trouble?" The professor looked concerned. "Why didn't you send red sparks into the sky with your wands?"

The three of them stared at him vacantly, all registering what he'd just said. They mentally cursed themselves for their lack of common sense at forgetting Professor Lerangis' words. But, as always, the stubborn Lily blamed James because, _of course_, it was more likely James was to blame for her forgetfulness. She swiftly hit James on the head without thinking.

"Miss Evans, please." Lily was too irritated to apologize to the professor for her actions.

"What the hell was that for?" James barked.

"Because you should have remembered to send up red sparks!"

"_Hey_! What about you? You should have remembered!"

"Even if I did remember, Potter, I wouldn't have been able to since I can't use my wand since _my_ wand hand is attached to _yours_."

James was about to argue when he realised she was right. Lily smiled smugly.

"Oh yeah, but what about Sirius? He has a wand too!" James argued.

Lily sighed, "Sirius wasn't listening to Professor Lerangis - no offence, Professor," she added to him. He simply nodded in reply; he was smiling and looked amused by the conversation. "He was too busy looking at my chest," she told him simply. Sirius, who was indeed looking at Lily's chest at that precise moment, tilted his head up and answered "true" and then continued staring.

In a swift motion, James smacked him on the arm, which made Sirius look at him with much confusion.

"Why did you hit me?" he asked, looking at him with affront.

Lily was also looking at him curiously.

"...I really don't know," James answered truthfully, scratching his head.

_Was I actually _annoyed _that Sirius was looking at Lily's chest?_ James wondered. _I shouldn't care though. But I do, because I hit him. Why do I care? _

Sirius and Lily were looking at him oddly until a sound behind them made them look. To their happiness, it was a limping Malfoy coming towards them out of the forest. He was also covered in mud and what looked like to be nifflers droppings, and to the boys' delight, he looked a lot worse then they did. He was covered in cuts and bruises and his school uniform was slashed and ripped. Malfoy was also dragging four leads that leaded to four nifflers. Somehow he'd managed to catch the nifflers, which seemed to be completely unbelievable to Sirius.

Problem was the nifflers looked dead.

Maybe it was the fact that they were lying on their backs, feet up in the air as they were dragged carelessly by a dishevelled Malfoy.

"Malfoy, I thought I told you to bring back the nifflers unharmed," Professor Lerangis reminded sternly as he approached the group.

"I only stunned them. Stupid black fur balls," Malfoy cursed.

Lily looked at the nifflers sadly; they appeared so cute and harmless.

The boys sniggered at Malfoy's frightful appearance.

"Look at that, Prongs," Sirius said as he pointed at Malfoy's bleeding nose. "I did that!" he said proudly, remembering hitting Malfoy with the branch. The two marauders chortled.

"It's rude to point Black. Besides, you caught me off guard."

"What happened to you, Malfoy? I suppose Sirius was right when he said you went off to hump the nifflers," James said viciously.

Malfoy was about to raise his wand at him but Professor Lerangis stopped him.

"That's enough," the professor ordered.

Malfoy glared at James. "If this detention is over, I'm going back to my common room." He dumped the nifflers at Professor Lerangis' feet and made what he thought was a dignified exit towards the Howgarts castle.

However, it hardly looked dignified as he was limping, and also, he hadn't noticed that he had a ripped mark on his trousers, placed appropriately on his arse, so his ugly yellow underwear was brightly displayed.

"Yellow pants, Malfoy! That's disgusting! I wonder how they got that colour!" Sirius called as Malfoy stormed off, muttering obscene insults and swearwords to do with; James, Sirius, Lily, Professors, nifflers, trees—lets just say a long list.

"Night, Malfoy! Sweet dreams!" James yelled. "Don't let the bed nifflers bite!"

------------

The fifth years finally returned back to the common room as their detention was over. It was so late that the common room was empty, except for the loyal Remus who was awaiting their return, sitting in one of the common room couches. As the loyal friend Remus was, he had promised to stay up and wait for his friends who were serving detention. And, of course, Remus had fallen asleep, a book resting on his lap and was lightly snoring.

"Moony!" Sirius yelled as he skipped through the portrait of the Fat Lady, disrupting Remus from his peaceful sleep for the second time that day. "I'm honoured that you waited here for my return!"

"I was waiting for James and Lily," Remus joked, as he stretched and yawned.

"Cheeky git!" Sirius grabbed a cushion and aimed it at his head. Once Remus had finished recovering from his nap, he finally took in the three of fifth year's appearance with raised his eyebrows.

"Okay...I take it that detention didn't go so well."

"You could say that," Sirius replied as he sat next to Remus on the couch, but Remus promptly sprang away from him and sat up, blocking his nose.

"Bloody hell, you stink, Padfoot!" Remus said in his pinched nose voice, backing away from him, which lead him nearer to James and Lily. He immediately sprang away from them as well: they also whiffed the similar smell. "Get away from me! You all smell of excrement!"

The three looked thoroughly insulted and were about to argue, but each of them took a strong sniff of themselves, then realised Remus was right.

"I need a shower," Sirius announced, as he inhaled the niffler droppings perfume that had somehow clung to him.

"Sure," Remus answered. Using his wand, he muttered a spell which shot out water at its tip, hitting Sirius in the face.

Sirius gurgled as the water entered his mouth. The minute Remus had stopped; he fled to the staircase and up to the dormitory.

"I'll get you for that, Moony!" the drenched Sirius said, chasing after Remus. James was creased up laughing and was about to join in the fun and follow them when he felt his had tugged back.

"What are you doing, Potter?" Lily demanded.

"Going to bed," James told her, as if explaining to a small child.

"Our hands are stuck, remember?"

James stared at her, expressionless.

"Oh yeah," he realised disappointedly. "So your bed or mine Evans?"

Lily's reflex action was another hit to the head. James had suspected this so had ducked and missed the hit, much to her annoyance.

"We'll just have to sleep down here," Lily told him, looking around the common room: their 'dormitory' for the rest of the period they were stuck together.

"Here?"

"Yes, here," Lily confirmed.

James moaned, giving up, "Fine." He used his wand to say a spell which changed his school uniform to his favourite red shorts, his only and usual clothing he wore to bed. Lily eyed him nervously; embarrassed by the lack of clothing he was wearing.

"Um...Potter...aren't you going to wear anything else?" Lily mumbled, avoiding eye contact with him. She didn't want to stare at Potter at all, especially since he was shirtless and practically half naked.

"I get hot when I sleep," he simply replied.

"Fine," Lily grumbled. "Er…I'm going to need you to do a spell for me

James raised his eyebrows curiously.

"Change my school uniform to pajamas," Lily commanded. James grinned slyly. "Into something respectable, Potter," she added warningly.

"Respectable? Oh _sure_." He flicked his wand and Lily's uniform changed instantly, but not to Lily's liking.

"Potter, this isn't funny!"

James looked at her grinning as her face beamed a right red. Lily was wearing a green shirt, which she didn't mind at all. She was more bothered by the other particular clothing she was wearing: James' blue, golden snitch underpants.

"I'd say that was respectable. You kept talking about them so much earlier, I thought you'd like to wear them," James told her cheerfully, preparing for her shouting to come. Lily could feel her hand about to strangle him again when she stopped herself.

"You know what? I'll wear you're stupid quidditch stained underpants because, frankly, I'm too tired to argue."

James was shocked; he'd never thought she'd actually agree to wear them. He then realised what she'd rudely said.

"They are not stained, thank you very much."

"_Whatever _alright? I have to say though," Lily started hesitantly, "The shirt's nice. It's a similar colour to my eyes." She eyed James suspiciously.

James looked from Lily's striking green eyes to the similar colour shirt.

_That is freaky. Did I make them the same colour on purpose? _James wondered_. Nah, I can't have, it was just a coincidence..._

"Yeah, that's weird," James agreed finally. Using his wand, he conjured up two sleeping bags and pillows that appeared on the floor next to the fireplace.

"Wow, you're such a gentleman, Potter. And here I was expecting extravagant, four-post beds, but sleeping bags? That's just divine."

"Hey! It's the best I can do!"

"They are nicely coloured co-ordinated though. I suppose the pink bag is for you and the blue one is mine then?" Lily assumed. James was about to argue that it was the other way round but she'd already walked over to the bag and climbed in.

Heaving a sigh, James got into the pink one. They both lied down, staring at the ceiling in silence.

"So, er, good night Potter," Lily told him, closing her eyes.

"Night, Evans," James replied yawning as he did the same.

--------------

They were both meant to go to sleep then; that was supposed to be how it worked. The problem was they didn't. Maybe it was the crackling of the fire that kept them awake, or things that were on each others minds, funnily enough: each other. Lily's eyes were shut and she was trying to fall asleep but she was thoroughly aware of James fidgeting next to her.

"Potter, are you awake?" Lily opened her eyes, still looking up at the ceiling.

"No," he replied sarcastically.

Lily faced him and was startled to see James facing her with his hazel eyes.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she interrogated.

"I could say the same for you. Anyway, my head is keeping me up." James rubbed the bump on his head that was throbbing.

Lily felt a sudden guilt inside her again. James watched her as she sat up and reached for the ice from a jug of water that was on a common room table. She wrapped the cubes of ice into a handkerchief and sighed.

"Give me your head, Potter." Lily regimented as he sat up beside him.

"Excuse me?"

"Just let me see your head," she ordered again. "Don't worry; I'm not going to hit you again."

He looked at her oddly, but nonetheless titled his head forwards. She slowly touched her hands to his forehead. James didn't even flinch as she pushed his messy black hair out of the way. She raised the handkerchief of ice and placed it on the bump on his forehead. He breathed a sigh of comfort and closed his eyes.

"That feels nice," James admitted. He relaxedas the pain weakened.

_Why am I doing this? _Lily thought. _You're helping him numb the pain! You are totally deluded... _She bit her lip, preparing herself for what she was about to say next.

"Sorry for hitting you, Potter."

James made a scoff of surprise, his eyes still shut.

"Wow, Evans apologizing to me? I must be asleep and this is a dream."

"Yeah, well don't get used to it because it'll be the first and last time you'll hear me say it," she told him, chuckling. James opened his eyes and chuckled a little as well.

They looked at each other too long and Lily suddenly felt uncomfortable and tense as she held the hand made ice pack on his forehead. She could hear each other's breaths deepening, each other's eyes lingering in places they shouldn't. Lily's eyes wandered to James lips, _again_, and James' mind pondered exactly _how_ and _why_ Lily looked so comfortable and attractive in his underwear.

"Um, maybe you can hold the thing by yourself now?" Lily suggested, reddening.

"Uh…yeah. Sorry," James said, oddly nervous. Lily handed him the wrapped up ice and they both lied down back on their pillows in their sleeping bags.

"Um, good night, Potter," Lily said in a flustered voice. She turned on her left side, away from him.

"Uh, yeah, good night...Evans," James replied, equally as embarrassed as turned on his right side, away from her.

They were facing opposite directions and were far away from each other, but their joined hands remained in the middle of their separate sleeping bags.


	10. Perverts and gaping

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 10: Perverts and gaping**

The night Lily slept in the common room next to James was the night she surprisingly had one of the most undisturbed and peaceful snoozes she'd ever experienced in Hogwarts. James was in the same situation; after Lily had reduced his pounding headache, he'd never had a better night's sleep.

Lily opened her eyes and awoke in a good mood, for once. She thought after waking up yesterday, finding her hand attached to James'. Nothing else could surely shock her. She found herself out of her sleeping bag, which was oddly strange, and something holding her waist. Her head was resting on a comfy pillow. But for some reason, the pillow was rising and falling.

_Since when did pillows rise and fall?_ Lily wondered. She yawned and forced her eyes open.

Meanwhile, James also blinked his eyes open, pleasantly happy from his great sleep. He recognised that his arm was wrapped around something. As well as this, he felt pressure on his stomach. That was definitely not a good sign. With his eyes still shut, he dreadfully felt around the 'thing' he had his arm around.

_Something smooth...is that a hole?_ James rubbed his hand over the surface.

Lily realised it wasn't a pillow her head was resting on: it was James Potter's stomach.

James opened his eyes and instantly stopped rubbing his hand, realising that the 'hole' was a belly button belonging to Lily Evans.

They both froze in shock, oblivious on what to do next. Both were unaware that the other was awake.

_Oh no, this is not happening! Uum, I'll just slide my head off his chest and hope he's still asleep,_ Lily thought hurriedly. James was also doing some fast thinking.

_Crap! _James cursed in his mind_. I've just been feeling up Evans while she's been sleeping! I hope she's not awake..._

Lily slowly lifted her head from his chest whilst James steadily lifted his arm off Lily's waist.

"Bugger," James and Lily whispered in unison.

Because of their sudden movements, they both immediately realised the other was not sleeping at all. They jumped away from each other in horror, as far away as possible - at least, as possible it is when your hands are stuck together. Still lying on the common room, they looked at the fireplace, avoiding each others gaze.

"Okay...that was strange," James stated in a high tone, as he messed up his hair that stood up so much it looked like he'd been struck by lightning.

"Yep," Lily agreed. She was thoroughly disturbed by the fact that her head had been resting peacefully on _James' naked stomach_. "Uh, what time is it?" she asked, trying to avoid any more talk on what positions they'd woken up to.

"Ten o'clock," James replied worriedly. Lily groaned.

_Great, I wonder how many people saw us in that position..._Lily thought bitterly, most of Gryffindor House must have passed them on the way to breakfast.

"You know, it was probably Sirius."

"What?" Lily said confusedly.

"Sirius. Him and the others probably went to breakfast earlier, and then he put us in those positions," James concluded. "For a joke, yeah, a prank! Ha ha. He's hilarious..." he trailed off, laughing forcefully out loud. Lily joined in their false amusement as they planted on fake grins and laughed merrily. They gradually stopped when they both started violently coughing because of their forced laughing. Once they both recovered, they relaxed a little.

"So...want to go get breakfast now?" James asked.

"Sure." Lily watched him as he muttered a spell which changed his red boxer shorts to muggle clothes of black jeans and a blue jumper. It was a Saturday, much to James and Lily's relief. They wouldn't have to endure classes surrounded by people gossiping about them. James was about to exit the common room through the painting when Lily coughed blatantly.

"What?"

"My clothes Potter. Can you change them?" Lily asked as nicely as possible; which wasn't nice at all, more of a command.

"God, I'm like your bloody slave," James complained. He flicked his wand which changed her attire. He grinned at the result.

Lily shrieked as she covered her bare legs and revealing chest. "I look like a tramp!" she yelled angrily, as she looked at her new clothes. She was wearing an astonishingly short jeans mini skirt; the shortness of it was definitely not exaggerated. She also was sporting a strapless top; the colour was a nice blue, the problem was that the size of it was incredibly small and tight, making her chest stick out. It was also suffocating her. She was suddenly aware of something that was painfully riding her up her arse. She gasped in terror when she comprehended that she was wearing a thong. Thongs were a big difference to her comfortable, flowery big knickers she wore normally. James Potter had put her in a thong. _He would die_.

_Maybe changing her clothes to_ that _wasn't a good idea; _James thought regrettably while he stared at Lily, getting surprisingly turned on - something he'd never thought he'd do around the red head.

Lily noticed his eyes all over her. "You pervert! Change my clothes, right now!" she ordered, reddening with humiliation.

James smirked back at her wickedly, "Nope."

"What?" she hissed, not fully comprehending what he'd just said. James Potter was extremely brave.

"I said, no. You'll wear that, or nothing," James dared her. He was not going to change his mind.

Lily cried out in anger and frustration.

-----------

Five minutes later, they were on their way to the Great Hall - this time without the rest of the marauders company and the invisibility cloak. The cloak idea had been a disaster before, only making things worst. However, Lily wished she'd have practically anything covering her now. She was fuming with anger.

The plan had backfired on James. He had not planned to get uncomfortably tight around the crotch area at the sight of Lily. He wanted to change Lily's clothes to something that would thoroughly embarrass her and make every point at her and laugh. On the other hand, Lily was getting very different reactions.

"Hey, Lily, you're looking hot!" A fellow fifth year growled, making a cheeky wink at her. Lily blushed furiously, trying to cover so much of her exposing skin. She shrieked when another sixth year guy pinched her bottom. Another wolf whistle was made in her direction as she passed. She had received so many wolf whistles on the walk to the great hall she'd lost count.

James had made count. It was 28, and he's also made 28 glaring, furious stares at those particular guys who had been eyeing her up. They halted, noticing James' anger.

_Wait, I'm _angry _at them? Why? I shouldn't bloody care!_ James thought furiously, as he kicked a small first year in backside as he'd been crawling behind them, trying to look up Lily's skirt.

_They're all perverts..._Lily concluded in disgust. She was about to ask James why he kept staring at her and why he was in such a bad mood after he thought it was so hilarious earlier to dress her up to look like a prostitute. However, a person she was definitely not looking forward to seeing at anytime of the day –especially at the particular moment— had greeted them as they turned a corner.

"Lily Evans," the brunette greeted her, not exactly in a friendly manner.

_Why is the world against me?_ she wondered

She faced her enemy, Isabel, with a fake smile. She would not give her the satisfaction of looking annoyed at her appearance. Isabel was a Hufflepuff. They were known to be welcoming, friendly and polite.

Isabel was the complete opposite.

She had the distasteful characteristics of a Slytherin. She was undeniably beautifu,l but incredibly selfish. She'd even sell her own mother if it was a chance for fame and popularity. James looked wearily between the girls.

_This'll probably get ugly,_ he predicted.

"Isabel. Pleasure to see you as always," Lily replied in a dry tone.

"Stop with the sarcasm, Lily. It doesn't work for you," Isabel stated. Her eyes travelled up and down at Lily's clothes. Lily prepared herself for the snide comment that would obviously come. "What are you wearing? I suppose that's what all the mudblood's are wearing now these days?"

Lily made a breath of anger: Isabel had not caught her on a good morning. She'd already embrassed by James, and being called a 'mudblood' again in two days was not good news to her ears.

"I am so bloody sick of everyone calling me a mudblood! It's like everyone's christened me that now. You're barely half blood! You're such a hypocrite!"

Isabel stared back at her, not at all affected by her shouting.

"So what Evans, I'm more of a witch then you'll ever be."

Lily was about to shout back at her when James intervened.

"Just back off, Isabel," he warned her.

Isabel raised her eyebrows in shock of the order. He wasn't exactly on friendly terms with Isabel. She was a cold girl, but a good looking one. They'd occasionally flirted in boredom. He'd remembered having a week relationship with her in his fourth year. She'd cheated on him, funnily enough, with Sirius. James wasn't exactly bothered by this; he'd actually been relieved that he had a reason to dump her. He'd learnt his lesson that looks wasn't everything in a girl.

"_Wow_, James Potter standing up for a mudblood. That's something I thought I'd never see. What happened to you, James?" Isabel asked him, as if he had suddenly turned into something revolting and unworthy of her sight. "Your boyfriend is fighting your battles for you now? He's there to hold your hand, Evans. You can't defend yourself since you've got a bodyguard now, then?"

"He's not my boyfriend or my bodyguard, and I suggest your shut mouth." James felt Lily's hand dig into his. James was about to mention this but decided against it.

"Make me Evans," Isabel dared. "Don't you get your little, red head angry now; you might squeeze James' hand off—"

"_That is it_!" Lily pounced, ready to scratch her eyes out like an irritated bowtruckle. But, to Lily's utter annoyance, she was held back yet again.

"What is everyone's obsession with holding me back? Let me fight! Damn you!" Lily cursed as James held her by the waist. She wailed her arms and legs out - not too much considering what she was wearing and what was on show. James struggled as Lily punched and kicked with all her might to get out of his grasp.

"Evans: _don't_. She's not worth it."

She ignored him, that was an over-used line everyone said to somebody to stop them causing pain. Lily was too pissed off to contemplate on letting Isabel live.

Isabel watched the two with distaste. "You're pathetic, Evans," she spat. She swiftly got out her wand and pointied it at Lily, before shouting: "_Furnunculus_!"

Lily cowered in fear whilst in James' hold. She had definitely not been prepared or even expected Isabel to cast a spell at her, especially since she had absolutely no protection because her wand hand was attached to James'. No wand meant: no defence. Lily was hopelessly unmatched. She gasped in realisation in what was to come.

"_Protego_!" James' voice boomed out loudly as he used his wand to block the spell.

The spell immediately backfired and hit Isabel back in the face. She fell to her knees, shrieking. Nasty, foul boils suddenly spurted across her face, slowly covering her whole body. She cried in disgust. She had never experienced ugliness before.

"_Arghh_! _No_!" Isabel tried to cover her face and stop the boils erupting. James looked at her with repulsion.

"Wow. I know you were a bitch, Isabel, but I didn't know you fought dirty too," James said icily, "You're a bloody cheat."

She looked up at him, gaping. No one had ever talked to her like that.

James glared at her. "You knew perfectly well that Evans is a completely helpless without her wand, and you attack her with a spell _knowing that_! You make me sick. You've got no right to even be a witch."

Isabel stumbled to her knees. She made a nasty look at the duo before pushing past them roughly, crying as she ran to the Hospital Wing. James turned to Lily who had angrily started talking, not stopping for a breath.

"I hate her! I swear, if someone calls me a mudblood one more time I'm gonna—"

"Evans, stop talking and breathe," James cut in, looking at her worriedly. For once, Lily took his advice and sighed with frustration. "Are you okay?" he asked with a tone of concern. Lily returned with a look of affront. James flinched; obviously that wasn't the right question to ask her at the moment.

"_Am I okay_? Oh I'm just bloody fine and dandy! More people trying to attack me and treat me like crap, calling me names..."

James looked at her with pity. "She's just a bitch, just forget about her."

_Forgetting Isabel exits is extremely hard, especially now with those boils all over her, _Lily thought. Her mind wandered to what James had done for her.

"Why did you do that?" she asked James. "I could have handled it myself. I don't need you sticking up for me."

James chuckled to some extent. "You really are stubborn when it comes to asking for help." Lily was too stubborn to even admit that. "You were unprotected and completely helpless against her attack."

"I can handle myself. I don't need you to protect me: I'm not a baby," Lily argued. She hated being treated like a small child; she already got treated like that at home by her horse-faced sister and parents. "Why would you want to help me anyway?" she asked in bewilderment. James could not fully believe she was even asking him that question.

"Evans, we may constantly shout and argue but we have to be at least civilised towards each other. I'm not going to stand back and watch you get hurt –or in this case, suddenly have boils pop out of your face— while our hands are stuck. Your erupting spotty face wouldn't be a pretty sight to walk around with." Lily hit him lightly in the stomach; he didn't deserve a full hit because he did mean well. "Besides, you stopped me fighting Malfoy, so, I thought I'd return the favour."

Lily looked at him suspiciously. His kindness shocked her. James expected to carry on walking to the great hall; however, Lily had stopped him, calling his name. His _first_ name.

"Um...James?"

He stopped dead.

"_What_? What did you just call me?"

"Well, that is your first name, isn't it, Potter?"

"Okay, go back to being nicer and calling me James again."

Lily sighed. "I'm trying to have a civilised conversation with you, so shut it," she warned him. James obediently quietened. "I just want to say...thanks." She ended with a lame shrug.

James nodded in reply, too shocked to say anything. He was unaware that his mouth was slightly hanging out. Lily hoped it was because he was surprised by her calling him by his first name, not by drooling because of her clothes. "Considering you just saved me from a nasty furnunculus spell, you kind of deserve to be called by your first name," she concluded.

There was silence and Lily looked at her feet.

"Wow, Lily," James paused; it was strange to call Lily by her first name, but it somehow felt natural to him. "You surprise me everyday, you know that—"

"Don't ruin the moment."

"Sorry," James quickly apologized. They figured this was the end of the conversation, so they both started walking again to the Great Hall for breakfast. Lily liked the silence, but was interrupted in her pondering.

"So, Lily..." James said casually. "Now we're kinda friends now; companions, pals, buddies," he carried on listing. "Chums, comrades, play-mates—"

"Definitely no to the 'play-mates'," Lily cut in. "Yes to the 'kinda friends'. Er…please get to the point."

"Well, friends call each other a nickname…"

_I do not like the sound of this,_ Lily thought tiredly. _Being friends with James Potter may be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. _

"So, I was thinking, you could call me 'Devilishly handsome stag', or 'Quidditch hunk', and I could call you 'Lilyflower', or my personal favourite, 'Lady in Red'—"

"Don't push it, Potter."

--------------

James and Lily finally made it to the Great Hall, both in happy, cheerful moods.

_I am not in a better mood because of the conversation with James_, Lily told herself_. I'm just happy because...because I saw Isabel's hideous face covered in boils! That's why!...The boils which _James_ put on her, that was really...sweet and brave of him...Bugger! What's happening to me? _

_Wow, Lily and I, friends..._James glanced at Lily who seemed to be arguing with herself, muttering. _I could get used to this…_

They both walked into the hall of students eating, eyes on them again, but more specifically on Lily. More wolf whistles and loud calls were heard.

"I'd marry your dog just to get in the family!"

"Would you touch me so I can tell my friends that I've been touched by an angel?"

"Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?"

"That's a nice outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my floor!"

"You must be a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room!"

"Put a sock in it, you perverted freaks!" Lily shouted at them. The hall went silent. There was a forced cough from the teacher's table. Professor Dumbledore was looking at her, raising his eyebrows warily.

"Sorry, Professor," Lily apologized.

The two made their way to the Gryffindor table where there was a space next to the remaining marauders and Anna.

"Hey guys," Lily sat down next to Anna, and James joined her as they sat opposite the boys. She picked up a slice of toast and ate it silently.

The others gaped at her.

Sirius, for some odd reason, had a large splat of strawberry jam on his cheek. He was repeatedly trying to put the slice of toast with strawberry jam in his mouth, but kept missing so was hitting his cheek instead. He didn't seem to notice whilst he was staring at Lily.

Peter had put a big mouthful of cereal and milk in his mouth at the sight of Lily. The milk was now dribbling down his chin and bits of soggy cereal were falling from his mouth.

Remus was less of an embarrassment. He didn't try to eat, knowing if he did then he'd be in the same situation as Sirius and Peter - he instead settled for swallowing continuously and rubbing his eyes.

"Um...you look—" Anna began hesitantly.

"Hot," Sirius whispered in awe.

"Well, one word came to mind...it definitely wasn't that one," Anna added.

"Blame him," Lily pointed to the smirking James, "on my new wardrobe."

Sirius clapped James on the back, giving him the thumbs up.

"Be a best friend and change my clothes?" Lily pleaded to Anna.

"Sure, later," Anna replied, continuing with her breakfast.

Lily frowned at her. "Why not now?" she queried.

"Because I want to see how much strawberry jam will fit on Sirius' cheek."

Sirius looked at her oddly, and then rubbed his cheek and realised there was more strawberry jam on his face then on his toast. He laughed nervously.

"Seriously Lily, you have got to change your clothes," Remus told her with discomfort.

She narrowed his eyebrows at him. "Not you too, Remus, I don't understand why every guy is turned on by these clothes!"

"Maybe at the fact that the clothes don't consist of much material..."

"I second that!" Sirius agreed.

Lily rolled her eyes. She tried reaching for another slice of toast, but couldn't. "James, could you pass a slice of toast with marmalade?"

"Sure Lily."

Sirius immediately spurted out the pumpkin juice that'd been drinking at the mention of Lily and James calling each other by their first names. His mouth dropped open, but was startled by an annoyed grunt that was coming from in front of him.

Unfortunately, he'd spat out the pumpkin juice at Anna. It seemed as if Sirius, Anna, and any kind of liquid, did not mix at all. A drenched Anna, grabbed a goblet of pumpkin juice in front of her, and retaliated by chucking it in his face. They looked at each other –wet and annoyed— before muttering the spell '_evanesco_' to their faces, making the juice disappear.

They focused back on the fixation that had made Sirius spit out his juice in the first place.

"Since when did you call each other by your first names?" Peter asked.

Lily looked at him with disgust. He still had not wiped the milk that was dripping down his chin and he had spoken with his soggy cereal mixing around his mouth open wide.

"Since this morning," James handed the toast to Lily.

"You've reached the _first name basis_! Next you'll be married, then having kids—" Sirius began excitedly.

"Shut up, Sirius," Lily barked.

"Wow, Lily! You're calling me by the first name too?"

"As long as you don't start going on about nicknames," Lily looked at James who chuckled.

Sirius was disappointed. "Aaaaw. But I thought of a great nickname for you! Evans the angel...from...the heavens?" He made up. He was impressed with himself. The others, however, were not.

"_Right_...anyway," Remus tried to change the subject, "what happened this morning?"

"We had an encounter with Isabel," Lily revealed grimly.

The whole group groaned with distaste.

"That bitch," Anna spat. Isabel wasn't exactly a likeable person.

"She tried to attack Lily when she couldn't defend herself," James explained.

"_She what_?" Anna exploded. "Ooo, she is so on my list of arse kicking!"

Remus looked at her curiously. "Is there a long list?"

Anna tapped her nose in reply.

"Hey, you still have to kick Amber's arse anyway," Sirius reminded her of the threatening in the common room yesterday.

Anna smiled widely, "Already taken care of."

Lily looked at her in amazement, "How?"

Anna paused, holding up her three fingers. The others looked at her in bewilderment.

"It's a countdown, you twats."

The group made a sound of an understanding 'Oooh'.

"Three...two...one," Anna said, taking a finger down at each number.

There was a sudden scream and gasps heard from the end of the Gryffindor table. Students stood up to get a better look as a girl was shrieking clutching her head.

_Wait, is that even a girl? _Sirius wondered.

Indeed, it was hard to tell. They reckoned it was a girl, considering the high pitched scream she made, although James had also made that scream before.

The reason it was hard to tell was because the girl was bald. She was touching her head, screaming. The group finally realised that the girl was Amber. She no longer had blonde hair; in fact, she no longer had _any_ hair. The group stared at Anna in awe, when people were on her 'list', they seriously got buggered.

Amber ran out, muttering something about how she shouldn't have brushed her hair so much, causing her the baldness.

"You scare me, Anna," Sirius stated.

"It's not permanent, I'm not that mean," she replied effortlessly, munching on her plate of eggs.

"How long does it last?" Lily asked.

"Two weeks."

The marauders looked at her in admiration. If she wasn't a girl, they would have most definitely asked her to join their gang.

The group finally finished breakfast, everyone fully filled and ready for their Saturday of relaxing.

"Today's going to be great. No classes, pure bliss, just lazing around," James said with delight.

"That's what you guys do best," Lily commented. James looked at her with affront. "Sorry - just had to say it..."

Sirius looked at James oddly. "What are you talking about? We've got long hours of quidditch practice today, remember?"

James looked at him blankly.

"CRAP!" he cursed. He started thumping his head on the table repeatedly. His mood turned from happy to being thoroughly depressed. He'd never, _ever_, missed quidditch; until now, of course - unless he dragged Lily on the broom with him. Somehow, he thought allowing two people on a broom at once were against the rules. He also had an inkling at that Lily would deniably refuse any part of her going on a broom with him.

"What's the big deal?" Lily never had a passion for quidditch, unlike Anna, who was crazy about it. The group gasped at the red head's comment.

"There's the Gryffindor match against the slimy Slytherins tomorrow," Peter explained.

"I'm gonna miss it!" James spoke in devastation; Sirius patted him on the back in pity. James suddenly froze, his eyes widening. "Oh God...Jonathan's gonna kill me!" he realised. He started wondering of places where he could hide. Possibly under the table? Under Lily's skirt? No, that would definitely not work considering the length of it.

"Jonathan?" Lily repeated.

"Quidditch captain," Sirius explained. "Oh Prongs, he's not going to be happy about you not being able to play."

"C'mon, surely he'll understand?" Lily laughed at the absurdity.

James scoffed at her. "Last time a player said he was ill, and I'm talking green slimy skin and made 'ribbit' noises and coughing and spitting everywhere." James squirmed, remembering the scene.

"Ughh," Lily shuddered, "How come?"

"Something about a bad reaction to a toad shaped peppermint cream," Sirius said vaguely, "Anyway; Jonathan forced him to go to practice and play the final match in front of the school, looking like some sort of toad. He was puking everywhere, including on the players and crowds of people watching."

"Nice..." Lily thanked herself for finishing her breakfast after they'd told her the story.

"Well, that's a sign of dedication for you," Anna added.

"More like a sign of madness," Remus said.

Their attention was met to a tall, blonde haired seventh year who had charged through the Great Hall. He searched around until his eyes landed on James and Sirius.

"Bollocks!" James cursed as he lowered in his seat.

Jonathan frog-marched towards them, and James tried to hide behind Lily.

"_Black_, _Potter_!" Jonathan barked, his hands landing on each of their shoulders.

He smiled widely. His smile did not calm them.

"There's a quidditch meeting by the lake in five minutes," Jonathan said. He was a firm and harsh captain, but still a good one. Maybe a little crazy and scary, but having him as captain had made Gryffindor win the quidditch cup for two years running. "Be there, or be prepared to get your arses kicked," he threatened.

James cowered and laughed nervously.

"Ta-ta!" Jonathan exited.

"I'm totally screwed..." James carried on with repeatedly slamming his head on the table.

Nobody stopped him.


	11. Emergency trip

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Chapter 11: Emergency trip**

Lily's clothes had finally been changed –thanks to Anna— although Anna was having fun watching Sirius paint his face with strawberry jam. The group had managed to stop James from causing permanent brain damage (_I thought he already had it_, Lily thought wittily) by repeatedly slamming his head on one of the breakfast tables of the Great Hall. It had been extremely hard though, and Lily swore she could see the bump she had made on his head become larger because of the repetitive banging. She didn't feel much pity for him considering he had put her in a thong.

"I don't wanna go!" James moaned like a toddler. Sirius dragged him by the arm as they made their way out of the castle and into the Hogwarts grounds. Lily was getting thoroughly annoyed; James kept tugging in the other direction. He did not at all want to go the meeting which was a Kill-James-Potter engagement in disguise.

"Prongs, you might as well tell him now that you can't play. He obviously doesn't know about you and Evans, the angel from the heaven—"

"I thought I told you not to call me that," Lily said tiredly.

Sirius continued, "Besides, there's no point hiding; he'll hunt you down and kick your arse anyway."

James couldn't help but feel that Sirius was looking forward to watching him get mauled by the quidditch captain. Nonetheless, James sighed; Sirius did have a point.

"Hey, where'd Anna go?" Sirius asked, looking around disappointedly. "Oh, and Peter," he added.

"I think Anna is trying to stay away from you considering she gets wet every time she's in your company," Lily told him. Sirius raised his eyes curiously, getting the wrong idea. "Oh, Sirius, you're such a sicko!" she said in disgust. He chuckled, putting his hands up in defence.

"Peter decided not to come," Remus mentioned, trying to stir the conversation away from whatever was on Sirius' mind at the moment.

"Why?"

"Because Jonathan scares the crap out of him," Remus explained. Lily nodded in understanding; there wasn't much Peter was afraid of.

After a few minutes of walking, the view of the lake was in sight. From the distance, they saw Jonathan and the players of the rest of the Gryffindor quidditch team were standing moodily beside him. They also looked a little disturbed and exchanged wary looks with each other. Jonathan's back was facing them, and he turned around, spotting the group. He did not look too pleased, maybe at the fact that they were a little late, which was partly James' fault as his head beating wasted valuable time.

"Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?" Remus muttered to Lily. She nodded in agreement as she eyed Jonathan from afar. The captain suddenly started making hand gestures.

"What the hell is he doing?" Sirius asked, watching the seventh year. The others didn't reply and kept their gaze fixed on Jonathan's wild hands.

Jonathan pointed to them and stuck his hand out straight, then speedily lowered it down, indicating for the fifth years to do what he thought he was simply signing; well, simply in his mind.

"Um...what's that supposed to mean?" James frowned. His hand gestures had not been clear enough to him. Luckily Remus was there.

"I think he wants us to duck down," Remus concluded. The three looked at Remus blankly, and then turned back to Jonathan who was still lowering his hand in front of him forcefully.

Lily asked the question they all were wondering in their minds: "Why?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders; he didn't know the answers to everything, just most things. The four of them looked at each other, nonplussed, then slowly ducked by lowering their knees. They figured this would be enough for Jonathan, so carried on walking towards him. However, he made them halt to a stop when he held up the palm of his hand.

"Now what?" James muttered. The captain seemed to be miming something. "What's he saying?" The group instinctively looked at Remus for the answer.

Remus sighed in annoyance. "I think he's saying 'lower'," he concluded again. The three looked at him blankly, and then turned back to Jonathan who was cupping his hands round his mouth, indeed mouthing the words 'lower!'

"Why?" Lily asked again.

"I think he's a little bit paranoid. He doesn't want any Slytherins seeing us having a meeting in case they eavesdrop or something," Sirius said.

Lily looked at him indecorously. "But there's _nobody _outside!" she pointed out.

At the mention of her words, the group looked around the Hogwarts grounds. It did seem unbelievably quiet because the weather wasn't exactly blissfully sunny, more darkening with sulky clouds. Everybody had gone seeking comfort in their common rooms. Lily swore she could see tumbleweed fly past like in the muggle cowboy films.

They turned their attention back to Jonathan who was still miming with much energy.

"Fine..." Lily gave in tiredly. She bent her legs lower as she crouched more and the boys did the same.

They uncomfortably started moving again. It was a little difficult to move whilst your legs were unusually bent. James and Remus started laughing at the sight of Sirius who had crooked his legs, his backside sticking out extremely which made him oddly look like a chicken, while he held out his arms trying to keep balance. Once they had recovered, they looked at Jonathan who was still not satisfied.

"Lower!" he mimed for the second time. They groaned in sync.

"What does he mean 'lower'! I'll kick him in the 'lower' area," Lily said threatened fiercely.

"Lets just do what he says, at least then he won't hurt me as much." James fully bent his legs so his backside was nearly touching the ground. Lily stumbled as he did.

"Give me warning before you do that," she said, looking down at him. She was not going to make anymore of a fool of herself by doing anymore demented walking.

"C'mon, please?" James pleaded looking up her to. "Please, Lily flower?" He tried to keep straight face.

"I thought I told you not to call me that!" she snapped. It seemed as if the Marauders were determined to call her ridiculous nicknames from now on.

Lily looked to see James making puppy dog eyes with his bottom lip sticking out, and also to Remus and Sirius who had also bent down to James' height, also going for the same 'puppy dog eyes technique'.

_Why do Sirius' puppy dog eyes seem so natural to him?_ Lily wondered, _Probably because he's a player..._

"Stop looking so pathetic!" She gave in and crouched down, fully bending her knees as the boys had done.

_God knows how odd this will look if someone looks out the window and sees us,_ Lily thought despairingly.

The four struggled on, trying to remain balanced as they walked strangely similarly to frogs. James and Lily kept bumping into each other and vash heads; it somehow seemed harder for them with their hands stuck together. They halted when Jonathan was still not reassured.

"Lower!" He mimed again. The four of them sighed as they obeyed the command. They moved into the 'lower' status and were now so low to the ground that they were literally on it. They were in 'sniper' position, their stomachs resting on the grass, legs stretched and elbows out.

_Out of all the clothes Anna had to put me in, she chose white jeans. Damn that crazy quidditch captain and Anna's tasteful fashion sense,_ Lily thought bitterly.

"If I'd known there was going to be some kind of army training, I wouldn't have bothered to tag along," Remus informed the others.

They used their elbows and legs to move themselves forwards. After many mutterings and cursing by the fifth years, they gradually reached the awaiting Jonathan with his hand on his hips. They slowly stood up, brushing themselves off, each looking slightly dusty and dirty from the grounds filth. Lily looked the worse. She huffed as she looked down at her knew 'dusty brown' and grass stained jeans. The fifth years looked at the captain for an explanation for their strange way of travelling.

"I'm just taking precautions," Jonathan said. James looked to see the remaining team players behind him. They were waving and giving him and Sirius looks of pity. One guy named Rhys, who was a chaser alongside James, was pointing to Jonathan behind his back then swirling a finger in circles pointing to his head.

"What precautions, Jonathan?" said Jade tiredly, the seventh year girl and third chaser for the team.

"I'm talking, Dawkins," he rebuked.

Jade looked at him, gaping. She was Jonathan's girlfriend –whom was hard to believe— and it was also hard for Jade to believe what he'd just said to her. He took his captain position seriously; sometimes too seriously. She was not at all happy by his words.

"I'm your GIRLFRIEND!" Everyone flinched at her shouting. "I do have a first name, unless you've forgotten, Captain ARSE!"

"Love, I'm trying to be professional!"

Jade glowered fully. "Oh you are _so_ not sleeping with me tonight," she informed him, folding her arms. The boys sniggered until Jonathan glared at them and they abruptly stopped.

"Um, hel-lo? Has everyone forgotten we're here?" Sirius asked, as he was not a person who liked to be ignored. James looked at him furiously; he was hoping that the captain's distraction by his girlfriend would give him some time to secretly walk back to the castle and hide. That plan was buggered now.

"Oh, yes, Potter and Black. Were you followed?" Jonathan asked them, and then glanced around in all directions looking for the culprit to suddenly jump out of a nearby bush.

_This guy has got serious issues, _Lily thought to herself.

"What?"

"Were you followed?"

"Umm, I don't think so. Why would we be?" James questioned, but he somehow already knew what the captain's answer would be. The captain looked to his left and right suspiciously before he was happy with answering them.

"The spies..." Jonathan whispered. There were some chuckles and rolling of eyes coming from the players.

"The spies?" Lily repeated. Jonathan looked at her as if he'd only just spotted her, and if she were completely dumb for asking the question.

"The Slytherin spies!" he whispered again. Lily gave him a strange look.

"I'm certain we weren't followed, Jonathan," James said tiredly, hoping he wouldn't explain to Lily his whole theory on the 'Slytherins conspiracy'.

"Good. Now we can get started. I just wanted to tell you the times of quidditch practice later today," the captain explained. His eyes then landed on Lily again, and then Remus. He then realised they were not supposed to be there.

"Lupin, and…red head?"

Lily was affronted; she considered Jonathan to be rude and impolite and she looked to his girlfriend who was giving her an apologetic look.

"No tag-alongs for the meeting!"

"They're not spies, Jonathan."

"How do I know?" he answered suspiciously, and startled Remus and Lily by facing them inches away from their faces with a dubious stare. They both coughed as he breathed in their faces.

_He needs to take a breath mint,_ Lily thought.

"They're Gryffindors!" James reminded him. Jonathan still looked apprehensive. A few of the players were looking at James with sympathy; they knew about his and Lily's hand situation. Obviously their quidditch captain had not been informed. He was not going to be happy to hear one of his best players would not be able to play.

"Look, Jonny, can I call you Jonny?" James asked.

"No."

"As I saw saying, _Jonathan_," James began nervously, "the reason why Lily is here, is because of our hands."

They both held their hands up; they'd lost count at how many times they'd displayed them. Jonathan frowned in return.

"Like I said Potter, no tag-alongs means no girlfriends at the meetings."

Lily glared.

"Look, Jonathan, their hands are stuck by a spell! Stop being a overbearing prat and actually listen to them!" Jade said.

Jonathan was about to tell her off for speaking to him like that, but then backtracked to what she'd just said. "What?"

James laughed nervously. "Our hands are stuck and we can't find the cure," he said quickly, hoping to say it sooner rather then later before he'd lost his nerve.

"_What!_" he _shouted _this time. Everyone flinched.

"I won't be able to play in the quidditch match tomorrow," James finally added, cowering.

"WHAT!" He screamed; it even seemed to echo, well, at least in the players' ears.

Sirius stuck a finger in his ear at his sudden voice. He swore he'd turned deaf which was especially strange at his young age. The players started to back away and his anger was steaming off him. Jade stood by his side whilst looking at him with worry. She seemed to be tugging on his arm, trying to calm him down, whilst he was busy staring ahead; his eyes bulging.

"You have five seconds to run," he said menacingly.

Remus and Lily exchanged anxious looks.

"_Five_..."

"Jonathan, why do you look so red?" Sirius asked, noticing his face looking like it was about to erupt like a volcano. James was elbowing him in the stomach to shut up.

"_Four_..."

"Jonathan, why is that vein on your head throbbing and looking extremely larger then usual?" Sirius questioned, eying the vein. He was curious at its size. It was big enough that it might have been able to answer the question itself. James elbowed Sirius again.

"_Three_..."

"Jonathan, why are you grinding your teeth like that?" Sirius asked his third question. His teeth which were grinding with so much anger that he swore he could see white, crushed pieces fall out of his mouth. He also wondered if it was possible to completely grind them down in five seconds. James was practically pounding him in the stomach.

"_Two_..."

"Padfoot, start running, now!" James commanded him, as he dragged his arm away from the crazy captain. Lily was also helping; she feared her safety in the foul breath of Jonathan. Remus was slowly backing away.

"Hey? Why do I need to run? He's not going to kick my arse!" Sirius argued.

"No, but I will, if you don't run _right now_."

"Okey-dokey, ta-ta lovelies!" Sirius said, not at all affected by the threat, and waved to the girls of the quidditch team. They smiled and rolled their eyes in response.

"_ONE_!"

------------

The group had been running manically through the many corridors of Hogwarts. James was trying to find any hiding place to get way from the mental quidditch captain. They had tried to hide in one of the empty classrooms, however, Peeves the oh-so-annoying poltergeist had slightly given them away. Maybe it was the part of Peeves' shouting when he said "POTTY POTTER! JAMES POTTER IS IN THIS EMPTY CLASSROOM!" that had blown their cover. Or maybe it had been James' furious shouting back at Peeves saying "If you weren't already bloody dead, I'd kill you Peeves! Can ghosts suffer pain? Cos' I sure want to cause a hell of a lot of it to you!"

They were now in an empty corridor, all on edge that some lunatic could suddenly come round the corridor and pounce on them; specifically that lunatic called Jonathan.

"Can we stop now? I've got a stitch," Sirius complained, holding on to his stomach. The others were too out of breath to answer as they puffed for breath.

"I feel like I've run the bloody marathon," Lily said. She wasn't as fit as the quidditch players, although they were struggling to breathe the same as her.

"I don't fancy running Hogwarts all day, no matter how great it would to be in your company, Lily," Sirius said dryly.

Lily was still annoyed about her stained and ruined white jeans and had been complaining about them non-stop. "These were my nice jeans! And they are grass stained and muddy! Do you know how much these cost? They are designer! I saved up for practically a month and—"

Lily was interrupted when Remus swished his wand, muttering a cleaning spell which instantly made the grass stains and filth vanish from her trousers. She admired their cleanliness and was instantly happier.

"Thank you!" Lily said gratefully.

"Could have done it bloody twenty minutes ago when she was still moaning about them," James muttered in annoyance. Meanwhile, Remus was thinking of a plan, something the others seemed to be bad at – even Lily.

"I've got a plan to get away from Jonathan," Remus announced, grinning. "An emergency trip to Hogsmeade."

Sirius brightened and James nodding, smiling.

"You're a genius, Moony!" Sirius cheered, clapping him on the back. Remus simply nodded back in agreement.

Lily was confused, "Hogsmeade? How the hell are we going to get to Hogsmeade? There's no trip today, remember?"

The boys shook their heads at her in disappointment.

"Lily, you really don't know us well at all, do you?"

"Well, yeah I don't know you well at all," Lily replied in agreement. Sirius looked at her blankly, trying to remember what exactly the point he was trying to make.

"What Sirius is trying to say, is that there is always a Hogsmeade trip available to the marauders!" James said.

"But—"

"Talk later, Lily. I think I can hear Jonathan coming," James heard footsteps. They could distinctly hear from a distance the sound of an individual's cursing and what must have been Peeves singing of "Jonathan is a loony, there's more that can be said, tell it to his face or the vein popping out if his head!"

"Common room," the marauders said in unison, running in the direction of their destination.

_There is never a quiet moment with the marauders,_ a confused Lily thought, pulled along in their running.

------------

They speedily made it to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius, somehow with his charming good looks, made the portrait of the Fat lady promise to tell Jonathan if he appeared at the entrance that they were hiding in the 'Astronomy tower'.

"I cannot believe even the portraits are attracted to you," Lily said, disturbed at his flirting. Sirius looked at her with affront.

"Of course they are!" She rolled her eyes in response. Remus looked around and saw that the common room was pretty much occupied. Students were sitting on the chairs, chatting and talking, not the ideal place to explain to Lily about the Marauders map.

"Uh, guys, I think we'll have to go up to dormitory for some privacy," Remus told them, as curious eyes were directed at them. The two boys looked around whilst the bewildered Lily watched them.

"Yeah, I think you're right," James agreed.

"What? I'm not going up there!"

"Lily," James sighed. "Please do not make this out to be like the whole 'toilet incident' and go on about all the crap about it being a 'mystery' again."

"A mystery?" Sirius echoed. "It's a dormitory which has beds which people sleep in. What's there to know?" James threw up his hands in understanding.

"Alright, I'll go!" Lily told them, feeling foolish. Gingerly, she followed the boys up the staircase.

"It's so unfair that girls are allowed up but guys can't go in the girls' dorms," Sirius complained, climbing the steps.

"Because girls don't have dirty minds like you," Lily said. Sirius pondered this and slowly nodded in agreement. They finally got to the door of the 'Marauder Dorm.'

"You carved it on the door!" Lily said indignantly.

"Yeah," the three replied together.

"Remus, you're supposed to be a prefect!"

The boys laughed merrily at her.

"What can I say? They have a bad influence on me," Remus shrugged, pushing open the door revealing the room that so many girls wished to enter.

"Oh Merlin."

Lily gasped as she saw the mess and destruction around her. There were clothes everywhere. Piles on the beds and crumpled on the floor, even though there were wardrobes and chests of drawers to put them in. Random prank objects were lying on the floor; she recognised what looked like to be stink pellets, dungbombs and nose-biting teacups. There were also books laid across the room. This thoroughly surprised Lily; she never knew they could read.

_I bet they all belong to Remus,_ Lily told herself. She looked closer to one of the open books and saw that it was about quidditch. She rolled her eyes. The boys chuckled at her reaction.

"Yeah, we haven't cleaned for a while," James stated.

Lily snorted. "I didn't notice."

"Since when did we ever clean?" Remus asked.

"Once in third year," Sirius remembered. "But that wasn't us; we made a first year do it."

Lily gasped. "You bullied a first year to clean your room!"

"Hey, calm down. We paid the midget."

She ignored James' naming for a first year. She had to admit that they all seemed to be unnaturally small.

"How much did you pay them?"

"A knut or two, I think."

"Cheapskates," Lily muttered.

She shrieked when a pile of clothes on one of the four beds suddenly started moving and groaning. The boys looked hesitant. They slowly walked over to the pile, chucking the clothes from the pile on the floor with the rest. Finally they discovered a head belonging to Peter.

"Wormtail! I thought it was you." Sirius pulled Peter out of the mound of clothing.

"Hey guys," Peter yawned as he stumbled off the bed. "Just having a nap, what's going on?"

"We were about to tell Lily about an emergency trip to Hogsmeade, and also the map," Remus explained.

"What map?" Lily asked, annoyed that she still hadn't been told anything.

James opened his chest beside his bed. He brushed a few clothes that had been displayed on top of it, including a pair of Christmas boxers decorated with reindeers belonging to Sirius. Lily sniggered. He reddened, grabbed the boxers and threw them across the room and out of sight, where they landed on top of a nearby lamp. James dove into the chest until he found the invisibility cloak and Marauders map. Lily looked disgruntled at the sight of the cloak; she didn't like it, or being under it.

"This map," James showed it to her with smug features. The Marauders beamed majestically. She eyed the parchment with narrowed eyes.

"That's just a bit of parchment—"

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," James tapped the map with his wand. Lily looked at him with confusion. Her eyes slowly moved to the parchment which had opened up and ink started to build up the map. She gasped in surprise. James grinned. She put her hands over the map and traced her fingers over the many rooms and wandering people.

"This is Hogwarts!" she said in awe. It was so beautifully designed.

_They can't have made this! _Lily thought. _Normally anything they touch gets messed up, just like their dorm. _

"This little gem will get us to Hogsmeade," Sirius said. "We know a secret passage way to get there that ends up in Honeydukes cellar. We might as well go now, considering James in on Jonathan's 'Most Wanted List'."

"You sneaky gits," Lily shook her head, "I can't believe the stuff you've got. An invisibilty cloak, a map of the school! What next? A private undercover quidditch pitch?"

"I wish," James and Sirius said, breathlessly in unison.

"I think only four of us will be able to fit under the cloak," Remus tried to drift the conversation away from quidditch. James and Sirius' passion for it could make them speak about it all day. They looked at him with vague expressions. "So, one of us will have to stay behind," Remus added. Distinctively everyone's head turned to look at Peter.

Peter sulked, "Why me? Why not Lily?"

"Because her hand is stuck to Prongs', stupid," Sirius reminded him.

"You're being a gentleman, Wormtail," Remus said.

"What about you, Sirius? Don't you have quidditch practice most of today?" Peter brought up.

"Nah, I'm not in Jonathan's good books at the moment." Sirius remembered the annoyed look on his face when he asked about the features of his face. "He won't miss me. Besides, don't you have homework to do or something?"

"Not really—"

"Well, you can do mine then!"

Sirius picked up a stack of books and parchment from his bed and dumped it in Peter's hands.

"Hey! But—"

"Bye, Wormtail," the boys replied together as they left the dormitory. Lily shrugged her shoulders to him apologetically as she exited.

-------

The three excited boys and a wary Lily were walking in the third floor corridor on their way to the statue leading to the passage. Lily was still in shock at the fact that they had so many secret objects; it was very unnerving. A few students were passing the corridors; unfortunately, they'd bumped into the surly Severus Snape around the corner.

"Ughh! Snivellus germs!" Sirius said immediately at the fact that Snape had bumped into him in such a rude fashion, and also at the fact that he'd bumped into him at all. He quickly rubbed his arms and clothes, horrified that he'd caught some disease.

"Watch where you're going, Black," Snape barked.

James quickly hid the cloak and swiftly slid the map into his pocket, noticing Snape's wandering eyes. "Oi, Snivellus, what exactly are you looking at? Are you queer or something?" Snape growled viciously at him. "I'll take that as a yes," he teased.

Snape looked at the four of them suspiciously. "What are you up to, Potter?"

"None of your business, Snivellus," Sirius answered for him. Snape eyed him icily and then turned back to James, and then Lily, noticing they were still together.

"I take it you haven't found a cure for your hands." Lily glared at him. "What a shame."

Sirius suddenly had a great idea. Standing in front of Snape, he started waving to somebody behind him. James, Lily and Remus looked at him curiously; there was nobody behind Snape, he was really waving to thin air.

"Hello Professor McGonagall!" Sirius said, hoping Snape would fall for the trick and turn around to the invisible woman he was waving too. To Sirius' delight, he did. The paranoid Snape turned around, his back facing the four of them. Quickly, Sirius grabbed the cloak from James hands and speedily threw the cloak over the four of them whilst Snape's back was turned, perfectly in time.

"Black, there's nobody—" Snape started to say in irritation. He turned around, thinking he would face Sirius, and frowned when he hadn't. He looked left and right in bewilderment; they had completely disappeared from his sight. The four silently chuckled under the cloak at Snape's confused face. As he was looking around, the invisible four started walking behind him so they were facing his back.

"Black? Potter? Lupin?" he spat their names. "Where did you go? _Mudblood_?" he added.

Angrilly, James pushed Snape from behind at his sickening word he'd called Lily. Snape landed painfully on his front, puzzled and perplexed. The group hiding under the cloak couldn't help but snigger. Lily smiled gratefully at James who had pushed Snape after what he'd called her. He smiled shyly back. Sirius and Remus noticed their smiling and grinned to each other.

"Who did that?" Snape shouted, lying on the floor. Sirius smirked; he couldn't let James have all the fun.

"_Incendio_," Sirius whispered, whilst pointing his wand at Snape.

A fire had suddenly erupted from Snape; in particular, on his trousers. You want more elaboration? Fine: on his arse. You could now hear the sound of the fifth years' breaths of hysterical laughter as they uncontrollably stumbled under the cloak, clutching their stomachs in amusement. Snape looked around, wondering where the noises were coming from. He didn't seem to realise that he was on fire until he started sniffing the air and realised that he could smell smoke, coming from _him_. He stood up and started shrieking. In a berserk state, he ran down the corridor in realisation that his butt was on fire.

-------------

Meanwhile, Anna had been on her way to the common room, hoping to catch up with Lily if she saw her and do some gossiping when she hastily stopped, hearing a scream that seemed to be getting louder and nearer. She whipped round and spotted a blur of black go past her. She quickly realised that the blur was a person – that person being the hideous Snape. He seemed to be running like the wind, shrieking madly with his arms wailing. As he ran down the corridor, she spotted light, then realised that Snape's backside was on fire.

"Okay..." Anna said to herself, slightly freaked out but amused at the same time.

_First I see Lily looking like a hooker, then her and the boys outside near the lake walking like frogs, and now I see Snape with his arse on fire. Hmm. Interesting day,_ Anna thought to herself, shrugging, and carrying on walking down the corridor.

-------------

The four were in a more of a cheerful mood after what happened to Snape. Lily was beginning to think the start of the day would be a bad one; however, the sight of Snape crying like a girl as his butt was lit up had been hilarious and brightened up her day. The four carried on walking along the third floor corridor until they reached the hunchbacked, one-eyed witch.

"Damn, she's ugly," Sirius commentated. They rolled their eyes at him; he judged everybody by their appearance at first sight. James checked the map to see if anyone was coming along the corridor.

"Okay, coast is clear," he assured.

"_Dissendium_!" Remus enchanted. Lily watched in surprise as the statue's hump suddenly opened up.

"Thank God you're not obese, Lily," James said, eying the size of the gap.

"I'm flattered...I think," she replied uncertainly. One by one –and with much difficult for James and Lily in particular—they hoisted themselves into the hole headfirst, pushing forward.

Lily screamed as she felt herself slide down a stone slide, and then landing on cold and damp earth. She hated cold damp earth. She thanked James who went through the hole first because she'd half landed on him and cushioned her comfort. At least, she hoped it was James, for once, not some creature in the gloom. She looked around the darkness; it was pitch black and daunting. The sound of James' hurting moans actually comforted Lily in the darkness.

"_Oow_..." James groaned painfully.

"Can we have some light, please?" Lily asked, helpless without her wand. Her question was answered by Remus who muttered "Lumos!" and light was suddenly restored. Lily snorted when she spotted Sirius who had landed on top of Remus at their end of their slide ride.

"Get your arse out of my face, Padfoot." Remus turned his face away from Sirius' buttocks that were excruciatingly close to his face. Sirius apologised and swiftly got up, brushing himself off whilst Remus did the same.

"I knew we should've gone the other way," Sirius said, regretting taking this route and referring to the Whomping Willow's passage to Hogsmeade.

"There's another way?" Lily snapped, annoyed by the new information. She would have preferred to take the any other passage than this one.

"That's for us to know, and you not to find out," Sirius replied simply.

Remus eyed James and Lily who were still on the ground. "Are you two going to get up anytime soon?" They immediately started blushing as they got up and took a sudden interest in smooth their clothes which were not wrinkled in any way.

"I saw you two this morning, ya know. Very cosy indeed," Sirius commented. They reddened at remembering their positions they'd awoken to in the common room.

"You mean...you guys didn't put us like that?" James asked.

"Nope."

James and Lily exchanged a worried and embarrassed look. Remus noticed and decided to save them by changing the subject. "Maybe we should get going."

James mentally thanked him. Lily looked around her surroundings and noticed they were in an extremely narrow and rough passageway.

"Wow, this place is kind of claustrophobic," Lily mentioned, eyeing the cramped corridor.

"You're not claustrophobic, are you?" James asked.

"If I was, would we turn back?"

"Nope."

"Then I guess I'm not," Lily said truthfully. Remus started walking so the others obediently followed.

"I seriously hope you don't let one off, Padfoot," James warned him.

Sirius cringed and replied, "Oops..."

------------------

They'd carried on walking in a file through the passage as it twisted and turned, eventually beginning to rise. James, Lily and Remus groaned when Sirius started humming. After he decided to 'let one off' without the other's consent, he thought he'd amuse himself in the silence of walking through the passage by humming tunes. Lily noticed that James started quickening his pace as Sirius' humming got louder.

"How much further?" Lily moaned, trying to get her voice heard over Sirius' cheery humming.

"We're nearly there," Remus informed, holding his wand and glancing at the map. "Padfoot, what tune exactly are you humming?"

"Duh, the Wedding March!" Sirius said, making a scoff at his ignorance.

Lily frowned at him. "It sounds more like the funeral march to me."

Sirius looked at her blankly, then repeated the tune out loud, realising she was right.

She smiled smugly then asked a curious question. "Why exactly were you trying to hum the wedding march?"

"Because, you and James—"

"Actually, don't answer that," Lily interrupted him, noticing the start of the sentence and predicting how it would end. They kept on walking until Sirius unexpectedly stopped humming and yelped.

"Okay, who touched my butt?"

"What?" the others said unison, turning around to look at him.

James was surprised at his reaction; normally Sirius was thrilled at bottom feeling as it happened enough at school. Maybe it was the fact that they were in a dark passageway with only their wands for light.

"Something touched me!" Sirius accused.

"Definitely not me," Lily replied. The mere idea of feeling up Sirius revolted her. He looked suspiciously at James and Remus.

"Ughh! Don't you look at us mate!" Remus and James said together. He huffed and they carried on walking...until Sirius made another yelp.

"Okay, whoever's doing it: stop it! It's freaking me out!"

"Padfoot, it can't be us. You're behind at the back, you're following. It's not possible," Remus explained leading the group, and looked at Sirius who was indeed at the end of their lining formation.

"It's all your imagination, Padfoot," James said.

"What? You mean I'm imagining someone feeling me up in the dark?" Sirius suggested hysterically.

"Yep," Lily concluded.

The four were about to continue walking when a sudden growl was heard. They halted and looked at each other anxiously.

"Please say that was your stomach growling, Padfoot," James pleaded.

Sirius slowly shook his head in response, then turned around and screamed.


	12. Nifflers back in black

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 12**

"NIFFLERS!" Sirius yelled. He whimpered and ran behind a thoroughly confused Remus, who was still in shock at the word Sirius had just shouted. The fifth years had definitely not expected to see two nifflers standing before them. Sirius' scream had made them expect some kind of ferocious, monstrous beast; a chimera or even a three headed dog. Most definitely not two harmless nifflers.

"NIFFLERS! NIFFLERS!" Sirius repeated loudly, each time with the same amount of fear. "NIFFLERS! NIFFLERS! NIFF-"

"Padfoot, we're not blind. Although we may be deaf if you keep continuing shouting something we can already see," Remus pointed out. He looked at Sirius oddly as he peeked behind his shoulder, eyeing the creatures. Lily made a squeal of delight at the nifflers appearance, bent down to her knees and approached the black furred animals.

"They are so cute!" she cooed as the nifflers friendly licked her hand. She stroked their soft black fur; they seemed a lot friendlier with Lily then they'd ever been with Sirius. Sirius took this mental note and found himself annoyed. Strangely, James equally smiled in joy at the two nifflers and bent down as Lily had done.

"They are so adorable!" James petted the creatures and his voice sounding oddly like a girl. Sirius and Remus gave him a puzzled look.

"Um, I mean-" James fumbled, suddenly lowering his voice deeply and 'manly', too deeply he grunted in pain. "I mean…they're alright." He avoided eye contact and tried to act as if he didn't care, and if he hadn't just spoken so similarly to Lily's high and joyful tone.

"They felt me up!" Sirius said as he glared at the nifflers. They looked up at him, their eyes shining with innocence.

"Sure, Sirius. The nifflers grouped you in the dark," Lily mocked. "How on earth did two nifflers get down here?" she asked aloud.

"I ask you Lily, how on earth did the nifflers escape into the forest in the first place? How on earth did our hands get stuck? How on earth-"

"Don't answer my question with more questions, James."

"Sorry."

James and Lily turned around to face a wary Sirius, still standing slightly behind a bemused Remus. They both burst out laughing as they saw his hands cupped protectively over his 'manhood'.

"What? I'm not taking any chances!" Sirius said hysterically. His attention was turned back to the nifflers; he wanted to keep his eyes on them at all times. A shine and sparkle from one of the creatures mouths caught his eye. He realised that the niffler he'd christened 'Remus', was holding in his mouth the watch that he had mugged off him that very horrendous night.

"Remus!" Sirius shouted at the niffler. "You little bugger!"

However, the teenager name Remus replied instead.

"What? I didn't do anything!" he misunderstood and was affronted at being called a 'little bugger' when he hadn't done anything bad to him...at least nothing since that morning.

"No," Sirius sighed. "Not you, the niffler!" He pointed at the creature whilst narrowing his eyebrows.

Remus gave him a strange look. "Wait a minute…You named a niffler after me? I'd like to say that I'm flattered...but I'm not, I'm thoroughly disturbed, maybe even slightly insulted."

"He named a niffler after you." James laughed at Remus.

"You can't talk. The other one is called 'James'," Sirius announced.

James stood up and immediately stopped laughing, which made Remus start to chuckle. "The niffler named after you, Prongs, is particularly evil," Sirius said moodily. James brightened at his words. "He bit me in the…well, you saw how I walked afterwards."

"I extremely like the niffler named after me," James grinned, remembering Sirius' exact limp. He regretted his words the second he said them as the niffler seemed to actually understand what he was saying and pounced on his leg. James looked down at the niffler in horror, even more disturbed at the fact that it was making thrusting movements at his leg.

"AAAAH! Get it off me!" James shook his leg wildly. The niffler had seemed to get a good grip on his leg. Sirius and Remus were creased up laughing, not at all willing to help him in his situation as such good friends they were. Lily was also horrified, but not by what the niffler was doing. She was more upset at how James kicking his leg manically whilst the niffler held on for his dear, magical creature life.

"Stop it!" Lily ordered him. She quickly took hold of the niffler in her hands and pulled the lively animal away from the distraught James. She held the niffler to her chest, stroking it kindly whilst looking a murderous look at James. "You could have hurt the poor thing!"

"It was humping my leg!" James raved.

"Honestly, naming the niffler 'James' probably traumatized and confused the thing."

"Do you want nifflers crap in your face again? Cos I'm sure I can smell some around here," James threatened.

Lily was about to remark when she stopped and smelt the air in the tight passageway and found James was right about the dodgy smell.

"I think we should get going now," Remus suggested, also noticing the aroma.

"We have to bring the nifflers," Lily said, putting the obedient niffler down on the ground. That niffler stood by his brother 'Remus', who was still had Sirius' watch in his mouth and in Sirius' opinion looked mighty boastful and smug. He didn't want to point this out as he knew he'd just receive another puzzled look about his theory that the nifflers had human facial expressions.

"They are not coming," Sirius barked.

Lily took in a breath of horror. "We can't just leave them! They could die here!"

Sirius cast her a hopeful look. "Would that really be such a tragedy?" He regretted his words when he got an immediate slap to the back of the head.

"Oh, fine, whatever, let them come. Only if they go in front of me so I can see what the sneaky things are up to," Sirius said.

Lily rolled her eyes and Sirius took this as a 'yes'.

Grumpily, James used his wand to conjure up two leashes that he attached to the nifflers, after Lily had threatened ever so nicely.

Lily held on to niffler 'James' on one leash, whilst the human James moodily held on to the other one. He had refused to hold the leash but Sirius had objected madly and Remus was too busy holding the marauder's map and his wand providing the light. After unenthusiastic walking, their feet touched worn, stone steps that were risen above them. The group tiredly started to climb them.

"Look at them. Can't you see they're mocking me, Moony? They're evil, pure evil," Sirius whispered in Remus' ear as he watched the nifflers walked by the cheerful Lily and grumbling James. It was as if Sirius was whispering so not to be overheard by the creatures that might suddenly take his legs off, or other more valuable body parts.

"Yeah, sure," Remus fibbed. "They're stinking off evilness," he said sarcastically. "Padfoot, they're practically the most gentle and inoffensive creatures in the magical world."

"Oh yeah, that's what they want you to think," Sirius replied. "Then when your back is turned, BAAAM!" Sirius said the last word knocking his hands together. Remus figured that the 'bam!' noise was supposed to mean a force of impact.

"Bam?" Remus echoed.

"Bam!" Sirius confirmed with a nod. "They bite you in the backside…literally."

Finally, after much continuous climbing up the painfully boring stairs, they reached the trap door. James pressed his ear against it, listening to see if there were voices. He cautiously pushed the trapdoor open a little and peeked at the gap. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the cellar was empty.

The six of them -including the guest nifflers- climbed out of the trap door one by one. The four fifth years eyed each other; they all seemed to be red and panting.

_Note to self and fellow marauders, never take that passageway ever again,_ James told himself.

"Padfoot!" Remus warned his friend.

Sirius looked at him, puzzled. "What?" Chocolate was around his mouth and he looked like a child that had been caught with a cookie jar. In this case, he was caught stuffing himself with chocolate frogs from one of the boxes in the cellar. He sulked as he dropped the handful of sweets he was about to handily pocket, and disappointedly folded his arms.

"C'mon then, guys…._and girl_," James added when he got a furious look from Lily. "Everyone under the cloak."

He pulled the cloak out of his trouser pocket. Lily picked up the two nifflers and held them in her arms; she thought they'd have a better chance and be a lot safer holding the nifflers instead of letting them walk whilst under the cloak. The group instantly turned invisible under the material and started climbing the wooden stairs that lead up to the shop.

In the process of climbing them, Sirius had stumbled inelegantly over a few boxes that had been placed on the stairs because he was too busy eyeing at the nifflers. They were greeted with the shop's counter and found a fat, shiny bald man standing behind it, who seemed to be snacking on a few honey-coloured toffees as he chucked them high in the air and caught them in his mouth.

"That guy has one enormous arse," Sirius whispered to James.

The fat shop owner flinched at Sirius' voice and looked around. Unfortunately it seemed the man had sensitive hearing. The group breathed in as they passed the bald guy who's size made it difficult for them to squeeze by. Once they'd passed the whale, they looked around the shop and found that there were only a few chocolate obsessed adult wizards and witches who had hungry, craved looks in their eyes. Sirius started giggling as the group moved under the cloak and he picked up random sweets from the shelves, including nougat and every flavour beans, stuffing them in his face. The fat shop owner looked puzzled as he watched the sweets drift from the shelves, then disappear in a flash. He marched from behind the counter and tried to grab the sweets that were supposedly 'floating' in the air.

"Stop it Sirius!" Lily whispered furiously.

"What the-?" The man made a grab for the jelly slug that was bobbing in the air and it disappeared again. This only made Sirius more amused and James found himself laughing silently along. Remus helplessly watched.

"Don't you dare encourage him!" Lily whispered angrily to James. James was about to defend himself when suddenly the two nifflers had jumped out of Lily's arms because they'd gotten bored and restless. Lily made a gasp of dread as they ran and were instantly seen to the witches and wizards of the shop as they'd gotten out from under the invisibility cloak. The fat shop owner made a squeal of surprise as the nifflers appeared from thin air.

The troubling twosome happily ran around the shop in hysterics. The few Honeyduke's customers had left; frankly, they didn't want sweets or chocolate that had been sampled by the nifflers.

"What are those creatures doing in my shop?" The fat man shouted, trying to make a grab for them. Predictably, they were too quick and the man wasn't exactly an athlete.

The nifflers eyes instantly shined with glee as there seemed to be a lot of shiny looking sweets on the shelves.

"Oh no..." Lily muttered in dread. She watched the creatures jump around energetically, grabbing with their mouths at the sweets. She couldn't just watch the man wailing as the nifflers destroyed his shop. She couldn't hide under the cloak any longer.

She swiftly took off under the cloak and James pulled along at her side. James had planned to remain quietly invisible- maybe the fat man could of looked after the nifflers instead of him, he'd had enough of holding on their leashes. He groaned inwardly when Lily had other ideas. The owner spotted them right away, assuming they were the culprits.

"You two, get those animals out of here!" The man screamed at them.

Lily apologized repeatedly as she chased after the nifflers. Sirius and Remus were still under the cloak and hadn't revealed themselves- and it seemed as if they weren't planning to either. Lily tried to grab onto the leashes that were still around the nifflers necks, this proved hard considering the sweets seemed to make the creatures more hyper and agile.

"James, help me!" Lily pleaded desperately chasing them.

"I'm trying!" He replied annoyed, diving to the floor and Lily also slid to his side. He'd aimed to grab the nifflers leash but had missed, sliding into the counter of the Honeyduke's shop.

"Um, shouldn't we go help them?" Remus whispered to Sirius under the cloak as they watched the destruction around them.

"Hm?" Sirius chewed openly with a mouth full of coconut ice. "Oh...let's just wait outside."

Shrugging, Remus walked with Sirius out of the shop, shaking his head as Sirius grabbed a few last minute handfuls, or _armfuls _of chocolate frogs, on his way out.

James' head turned at the sound of a bell ring at the door, signalling someone had left because the door had opened and closed by itself. He knew his fellow marauders had just abandoned them.

_They are so dead later,_ James threatened in his mind. Again, he tried to grab a fistful of black fur belonging to the niffler, unfortunately missing and hitting his hand at a wall.

"You two young hooligans, get out and take those black fur balls with you!" The fat man yelled again.

"What do you think we are trying to do!" James snapped. His madness and anger gave him a spurt of agility and speed and James snatched luckily on to one of the nifflers leashes, this time succeeding and held on to it. He cheered triumphantly. Lily had also grabbed on to the other nifflers leash, holding onto it firmly. They beamed at each other but were interrupted by another shout.

"GET OUT!" The owner screamed, shooting sparks at them with his wand.

The sparks had frightened the nifflers.

Frightened nifflers were not good.

James and Lily looked eat each other with worry as the nifflers suddenly started running off again, this time towards the exit of the shop. Luckily a casual wizard who had entered pushed open the door for them, not knowing anything bad was happening inside. He was startled when James and Lily had rushed past him, pulled along vigorously by the black haired creatures.

Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus were sitting on a bench near the Honeyduke's shop. Remus was now munching on some of the chocolate frogs that Sirius had shared with him. They watched in amusement as James and Lily burst out of the shop, dragged by the nifflers on leashes.

"Where are they going?" Sirius asked as he saw the crazy nifflers making their direction speedily into another shop: Zonko's. "I told you those nifflers were evil."

Remus found himself silently nodding.

A few minutes later, James and Lily had exited the shop, holding the two nifflers in their arms. Remus noticed smoke, people shrieking, and sparks of light coming from Zonko's Joke Shop. The exhausted two walked towards the boys and joined them in sitting on the bench.

"Um, Lily, what's on your face?" Sirius asked, observing her. Both she and James were covered in powder, slime, dust- anything that could burst out of a prank object.

Lily touched a finger to her face and examined the contents on her finger. "It appears to be frogs spawn soup."

Sirius nodded, pursing his lips to force himself not to laugh as she looked daggers at him.

"Is that jewellery in their mouths?" Remus asked as he saw the nifflers mouths bulging with bracelets, necklaces and earrings.

"Yes. A few witches weren't too pleased when nifflers suddenly attacked their necks and arms, looking like they were about to tear off their skin," James mentioned. He was about to try to take the jewellery away from mouths but they growled back venomously, and pulled his hand away.

Sirius listened attentively at the word of 'witches'.

"Were the witches hot?"

"One had false teeth."

"I'll take that as no then," Sirius said, stopping to listen to whatever James was about to say since it had nothing to do with good looking girls.

"Wow, we have our own niffler convicts," Remus said.

James and Lily nodded, then helped themselves to some chocolate frogs in Sirius hands.

----------

The group were now wondering aimlessly around Hogsmeade. James and Lily were now clean thanks to a handy spell. The nifflers were now composed and calmed down and it seemed as if they thought they'd caused enough destruction and mayhem for one day, currently resting silently in James and Lily's arms; satisfied and happy with their new collection of jewellery.

"So...where to now?" Remus asked the group. Lily felt liked going back to Hogwarts and curling up in her bed. Then she remembered that James was hiding from Jonathan so that was a no-go-area. She also remembered that James hand was attached to hers so it was a definite no-no.

"Can we please go somewhere I want to go?" Lily said despairingly. The boys looked at her in confusion.

"Why?" James asked.

"Because, you put me in a thong," Lily reminded him.

James tittered, reddening. Sirius was surprised, delighted, then turned instantly annoyed.

"Why was I not informed of this?" he sulked. His friends ignored him.

"Point taken, Lily," Remus said, "So where do you want go?"

"Madam Puddifoot's."

"Madam Poodi-who?" said Sirius.

"Puddifoot's, Sirius," Lily repeated again, sighing.

"Where exactly is that?" James asked.

Lily looked at them dumbly, then pointed her finger in the direction of a few yards away. The boys looked at Madam Puddifoot's as if they'd only just seen it for the very first time since they'd visited Hogsmeade. "Wow, never been in there before,." James said hesitantly, eyeing the place.

"I think I know why. Isn't it a chick's place?" Sirius frowned, then realising what he's just said; he started smiling to himself.

_A chick's place...a place full of girls...I'm there! _Sirius thought.

"Let's go then!" Sirius said cheerfully, startling Lily as he quickened his pace as they walked over to the teas shop, which the boys had no idea was one. Lily and James put down the two nifflers outside the teashop as Lily had figured creatures wouldn't be allowed inside. The nifflers didn't complain and they sat obediently as they admired their shiny findings. They didn't seem to keen in entering the tea shop and neither were the boys once they'd noticed the ambience of the place. The teashop was cramped and steamy, looking as if it had been 'frilly-bowed' attacked.

"Ugh," James made a sound of disgust. "This place reeks of femininity."

The group sat down at a circular table. Sirius park himself down and tapped his fingers against the table surface whilst Remus sat quietly, uncomfortable by the girlishness.

"Isn't this place great?" Lily said, admiring the setting. James and Sirius scoffed at her.

"Uh...sure," Remus answered for them. Sirius was about to elaborate on how much he disliked the room but stopped when a burly, black-haired Madam Puddifoot squeezed between the tables huffing.

"I really shouldn't put so many bloody tables in this place..." the woman muttered to herself, then plastered a cheery grin on her face.

"What can I get you, m'dears?"

"What have you got here?" James asked.

"Coffee," she replied.

James looked at her, expecting her to carry on talking.

"And?"

"Coffee," she recurred. He looked at her blankly again.

"Don't you have any alcohol of any kind?" Sirius said frantically. "Firewhiskey? C'mon! Butterbeer? You must have butterbeer!"

"Four coffee's please," Lily ordered. Madam Puddifoot smiled at her and went back through the maze of the tables.

The group had been sitting in silence until Sirius had abruptly slammed his head down on the table. The witches and wizards in the room made displeasing mutterings at the sound of the sudden noise. Lily looked at them with apologies written on her face.

"I'm gonna die in here without alcohol," Sirius moaned.

"It's true, you know." James agreed, patting Sirius on the back sympathetically.

"Look, Sirius, have a biscuit?" Lily offered him, picking up the plate that had been set down on the table fully assorted with biscuits of all flavours, patterns and designs.

Sirius' eyes widened and he grabbed for the plate and greedily stuffed them in his mouth. Lily backed away in horror; there wasn't much difference to Sirius and a pig eating in a sty.

"Oi! Leave some for me!" James said. He grabbed at a few strawberry wafers and Sirius tried to swat his hand away.

"Wow, those will amuse Sirius and James for how long, 5 seconds?" Remus guessed. Lily nodded tiresomely in agreement.

"Want some, Moony?" Sirius asked.

Remus cringe;, he could see the inside's of Sirius mouth as he chewed openly. He could probably count all his teeth, watching as the strawberry wafer was turned to pink mush.

"No thanks, Padfoot," Remus replied, hoping his coffee would come soon.

"Cun we av sum mor bisgits pease?" Sirius asked, raising his hand whilst his mouth was amazingly full -maybe even too full- as crumbs and bits of 'bisgits' as Sirius had spoken were dropping out of his mouth. Lily sighed in embarrassment as a couple of middle aged witches tittered disapprovingly, looking at the group with curt expressions.

Madam Puddifoot returned to the table a few minutes later, struggling to carry four cups of coffee and new plate of biscuits for Sirius.

"I really need to hire waitresses..." she muttered again. Lily shot her a sympathetic smile as she laid their drinks down. "My, you are popular, m'dear," she said warmly, noticing Lily was with the three boys.

"Oh no, I don't know them," Lily immediately dismissed as she saw Sirius openly scratching his crotch. She lowered her reddening shaking head. Everyone, including Madame Puddifoot, gave Sirius a sickening look.

"What? I had an itch!"

Lily picked up her cup of coffee and drank it happily. The boys followed in suit, not exactly in the same enthusiasm.

"Isn't this nice?" Lily sipped her tea.

"Nice isn't the word I'd describe it..." James muttered. He placed his cup of coffee down. He wasn't a fan of coffee and only drank it when recovering from a hangover, and that was only if he was forced. Lily, who had been rolling her eyes at James, turned her attention back to Sirius who was speaking to an older girl on the table next to theirs.

"Hey, my name is Sirius, and I'm _seriously _glad I met you."

The boys started chuckling at Sirius regular chat-up line. "What's your name?" he said smoothly as he held her hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. The blonde girl was around the age of eighteen and was looking at Sirius oddly, extremely uncomfortable at what he'd just did.

"...Celia," the girl answered.

"Jeez, Sirius, will you at least flirt with the single girls," Remus said.

Sirius looked at him with puzzlement until he turned his gaze across to Celia's accompanied date. The guy's arms were crossed and his were eyes bulging, immediately reminding him of Jonathan.

"Oh...hi, I don't believe we've met," Sirius said nervously. He held out his hand, expecting the guy to shake it. The guy did not, and continued folding his arms.

"I'm her boyfriend, and I suggest you stop holding her hand now before I chuck my hot coffee at you," the boyfriend threatened. Sirius dropped Celia's hand on command.

"Sirius, you are so embarrassing!" Lily hissed. Her face was glowing red as the tea shops customers looked at her with disapprove.

"Embarrassing, did you say?" Sirius echoed, smiling somewhat evilly. James and Sirius showed a sneaky knowing look. Both of them wanted to get out of the teashop as fast as possible. The solution to their exit: embarrass Lily extremely, resulting in their quick way out. "Embarrassing," Sirius repeated. "You don't know the meaning of the word..."

Lily was about to ask him what exactly that meant when Sirius had turned his attention to a nearby table that another young couple were sitting together. What Sirius noticed more was that they were snogging each others faces off.

"Oi! Get a room!" Sirius yelled at them. The couple abruptly broke apart and glared at him. The annoyed man responded by lifting his middle finger at him.

_So rude and impolite,_ Sirius thought.

Lily looked furious as James smacked Madam Puddifoot's bottom as she winded through the tables. The woman looked at James with disturbance as he winked back at her openly.

"_Oooh Madam_!" James called after her as she hurriedly walked away. The three boys laughed hysterically, whilst Lily reddened every second.

James had another shameful idea. He swiftly grabbed one of the remaining last biscuits from the plate. It was an iced ring that was shaped round with a hole in the middle. It looked similarly to a wedding ring, which was great news to James. Remus shook his head as James grabbed a bewildered Lily's hand, forcing the ring shaped biscuit on to her finger. He got off his seat, then dropped to the floor by kneeling on one knee. He coughed forcefully, signally for everyone in the tea shop to listen. Remus, who had also joined in the act, tapped his spoon loudly on to his coffee cup, curious to what might happen next.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lily asked hysterically, looking at the kneeling James Potter before her.

"My lily flower!" James called her theatrically. Lily was about to argue that he was not allowed to call her that, however, James had carried on with his mortifying act. "Since that very day your face and hair was stricken green as a frog, and you used my stomach as a rest and support for your most delicate and perfect head: I knew, I fell in love with that scalp! Marry me!" He declared, waving his hands in his performing.

"WHAT?" Lily yelled, her face as red as a tomato.

"No!" Sirius intervened, joining the shameful performance, also bending down on one knee. "That first time your hand connected...with the back of my head, the pain brought me love! As you know, love hurts. Waking up to my godly handsome face would certainly brighten any day!"

Lily looked at the two, utterly mortified and lost for words. She looked at Remus finally.

"No, Lily, I would advise you to marry one of the nifflers. At least they could give you jewellery, since these two are pure imbeciles and are cheapskates," Remus smiled.

The boys looked at him, exaggeratingly insulted. "They were also so uncreative that they couldn't conjure up any other reason to make us leave this place, so put on their wedding proposal act," Remus finished.

James was about to nibble at Lily's ring which was really a biscuit in disguise, however, he'd tried doing it whilst the biscuit was on Lily's finger: not a good move. She pushed James away from her unimpressively as he stretched out his tongue, ready to lick the icing off the biscuit.

James returned to his seat, grinning. Lily sat with her head in her hand. There were sniggers and chuckling from the other customers, amused at the fifth years comedy. Lily was not amused. She'd hoped this had been the end of their act; all she wanted to do was dig a hole in the ground and hide.

"Do you guys want to see a cool trick?" Sirius stood up, smiling evilly. Lily head was now so low from hiding that it was nearly unseen under the table.

"What kind of trick, Padfoot?" Remus asked curiously. He knew whatever trick Sirius had planned would most definitely go wrong.

"Its a trick those muggle magicians to do," Sirius explained. Rolling up his sleeves in preparation, Remus found himself shaking his head in doubt.

"You've done this trick before, and surprisingly it didn't work." Remus reminded him.

"Hey, I've been practising!" Sirius argued.

"Sirius-"

"I will remove the tablecloth while the coffee cups and cutlery are on top!"

James immediately started cheering with encouragement whereas Lily panicked at his explanation of his trick.

"Sirius! Don't you dare!" she hissed, but it was too late. He had already dramatically pulled the tablecloth from the table in one swift movement of his hands. Professionals removed the tablecloth with the objects still laid on the table. Sirius was not a professional. Lily gasped at the sound of a loud crash of cutlery and coffee cups clattered the floor. Masses of coffee spilled and pieces of broken china flung everywhere.

"Maybe I didn't practise enough..." Sirius cringed, and the four fifth years were pushed out of the cramped tea shop and were told never to come back.

----------

"I cannot believe you guys did that," Lily grumbled, struggling to hold the two niffler thieves with her one arm.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Sirius asked, pointing to the biscuit that was still around her finger. She sighed as she removed the biscuit and handed it to Sirius who gobbled it up in a second.

"I really don't understand how you did that and weren't at all embarrassed in any way," Lily told James, slightly smiling at what happened and was eyeing him with odd curiosity.

"It's a natural talent," James joked. "You gotta lighten up, Lily. You take life way too seriously."

She frowned at him, but couldn't help that he was right somehow…

"So, where to next?" Remus asked the group for the second time that day.

"The Hog's Head!" James and Sirius said in unison. Remus had expected that answer.

"The Hog's what?" Lily asked.

"Its the greatest pub in Hosgmeade," Sirius sighed with happiness.

The boys led her down a side-street where they were greeted with the inn; the horrifically distasteful creaking sign of a wild boar's separated head was before them.

"How nicely decorated," Lily said dryly. "Are fifth years actually allowed in there?"

"Sure we are! We're regulars!" James informed. Lily was not comforted by this. "Anyways, it'll kill time."

"Yeah, kill time and hopefully not kill me in the process..." she muttered as they entered the small inn.

Holding protectively on to the nifflers as she stepped inside, Lily started to cough. The smell of smoke was overpowering but the boys didn't flinch: they were used the smell. She squinted her eyes as she looked around the filthy and dirt-ridden room. Shady characters who were hidden by clothing sat drinking their strong drinks of goodness knows what died inside it.

"I'll order the drinks, you guys sit down," Sirius told them, walking up to the grumpy, old bearded man behind the bar.

"I'll have a butterbeer, Sirius!" Lily called after him and he waved a hand in understanding.

James and Remus led Lily to their regular table which was the furthest at the back of the room. James sat down happily content.

"Isn't this place great?" James said in awe, saying the exact thing Lily had done in her dearly loved teashop. He looked around the inn as if it was the best thing since sliced bread.

"Great isn't how I'd describe it..." Lily muttered as she put the nifflers down on the table. She thought they wouldn't of been allowed in but James had told her that the nifflers presence wouldn't a be a problem. She leaned her elbow on the table and quickly removed it, noticing that her elbow was now covered in dust and dirt. Remus looked at her apologetically.

"I take it you like this place because it's so similarly clean to your dormitory," Lily assumed. She slightly brightened at Sirius' arrival of the drinks. He handed them to the others, grinning widely.

"Cheers!" he said, taking a great gulp from his glass. James also took a gracious swig of his.

Lily eyed her drink suspiciously. "This doesn't look like a butterbeer…." She noticed the colour of the drink looked different to the one's she'd normally had in the Three Broomsticks with Anna.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," Sirius began as he wiped his mouth. "It's a new improved flavour of butterbeer for this place."

She was still hesitant, staring at the drink that seemed to be steaming.

"C'mon Lily, don't be such a prude! It's only a butterbeer."

She looked at him angrily at his remark at being called a 'prude'. Of course, this was Sirius' plan to make her drink. Lily grabbed the glass -much to James and Sirius delight- while Remus glared at the boys. Lily took a generous gulp of the drink, having no idea it was actually Firewhiskey...

---------

"I suck at this game..." James mumbled as he sluggishly drank the entire contacts of the full glass. Sirius clapped him on the back in agreement, but the clap was too hard for James to handle again, especially in James drunken state. He toppled over in his seat, landing on the dirty stone floor. Lily giggled uncontrollably at his sight and continued back to her drinking of her firewhiskey. Although, in her mind it was still 'butterbeer'.

"Okay, your turn Lily," Sirius announced.

She looked at him with confusion. "Huh...? What are we playing again?" The alcohol had mercifully ruined her memory and killed a few brain cells.

"You have to think of something and concentrate on it. Then we guess what you're thinking about," Sirius explained again.

"O-kay!" She sang happily in reply. "I'm thinking..." She pointed a finger to the temple of he head, then started humming, which then ended in more giggling, resulting in James joining in. Although, he didn't know the reason of what they were giggling about.

"You have to concentrate, Lily," Remus said.

"Yeah, concentrate!" James wagged a finger at her. Lily looked at the finger curiously, then grabbed it and tried picking James nose with it. They immediately started laughing in uproar. She noticed Sirius was still waiting so started 'concentrating' again.

"I'm seriously sorry, Sirius," Lily said, the realised the tongue-twister she had just spoken which then ended up in more chortling with James. Since they were not sober, they had suddenly become laughing buddies. "Okay, I'm trying," she said truthfully,. Her head kept spinning so it was hard to think at all. "Ooo-kay! You can guess now!"

"I think that you're thinking of...James naked?" Sirius suggested.

"No, silly," Lily told him, tapping him playfully on the nose. James, in his smashed state, looked highly disappointed.

Sirius smirked. "Now, Lily, you'll have to drink your full glass."

Lily looked at him, mystified. "Again? Why...?" she droned. She'd lost count of how many full glasses of 'buterbeer' she'd drunk already.

"You weren't sending out the right vibes to us, so we couldn't guess correctly what you were thinking about," Sirius explained.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I cannot believe we play this ridiculous game every time we come here."

Sirius ignored him. The game was not ridiculous, in his opinion. Maybe a little pointless, since by the end of the game everyone was too intoxicated with alcohol that they wouldn't even know who was the winner; if there was even one.

"C'mon Lily, drink up m'dear," James made a poor impression of Madam Puddifoot.

Lily snorted as she drank down another glass of firewhiskey until it was finally empty. "He-lo James," she waved sluggishly at him. She spotted another James next to him and many more identical James'. Lily was not seeing James real identical brothers though, her dizzy state had made her distorted sight see multiple James'. "He-lo James! He-lo James! He-lo Jaaamess!" she called, each time with cheerfulness. James replied each time by waving back.

"Lily, what are you doing?" Remus asked.

She turned to him and waved. "Oh, he-lo Remus! I'm just saying hello to James twins, or triplets, I don't knows the names…" She rubbed her head; her thinking was causing her pain. Remus looked back at her worriedly. "Reeemuuus! You didn't tell me you had bruverrs! No, I'm not talking to you Remus," Lily said, pointing to thin air on Remus' left. He looked to his left, wondering who on earth she was talking to. "No, Reeemuus, I'm not talking to you, I mean the other Remus," she said, this time pointing to Remus' right.

"Okay..." Remus answered her and gave up on trying to understand what Lily was talking about.

"I'll tell you a joke," Lily told the group. She started laughing hysterically, wheezing when she finally finished. "Wasn't that funny?" she thought she had spoken quietly, in fact, she was actually yelling. Because, of course, the consumption of alcohol makes you think that you are whispering when you most definitely aren't.

"Wow, Lily, that was hilarious. Funny the joke didn't seem to have a punch line, or a plot. Or even a beginning, in fact," Remus pointed out.

He turned his gaze to James, who had stood up and now was doing some lively and energetic dance. Because, of course, the consumption of alcohol plays a major factor in dancing like a major retard. Lily was now joining in with the dancing, both blissfully unaware of the other Hog's head customers looked at them.

"Prongs, what are you doing?" Remus asked him. He eyed James has he did pelvic thrusts and pointing fingers, whilst Lily was trying to copy his pathetic moves. Remus realised he was not going to get an answer, or at least an answer that made any particular sense and turned back to Sirius who was oddly petting the nifflers, smiling evilly. Remus looked at him with suspicion.

"Padfoot...please, tell me you didn't give the nifflers alcohol?" Remus asked, but he felt he already knew the answer. Sirius clutched his chest and tried to stare at him with intimidation, and failed terribly when his head kept wobbling as it was unable to stay upright.

"Moony, my buddy old pal old buddy...old pal...," he paused for a second, trying to remember what he was about to tell him. "I refuse to answer that question, on the grounds that I...don't know the answer..." he paused, confused, then shrugged and went back to drinking again. Remus looked at him sceptically, then at the two nifflers who were stumbling on the table and bumping into each other.

"Oww!" Lily moaned in pain. The two had decided to take a break from their shameful dancing and were sat down again.

"What did you do now, Lily flower?" James asked. He tried leaning his head on his hand which was perched up by his elbow but the elbow kept sliding, resulting in James smacking his head on the table.

"I bit my tongue!" Lily said in childlike voice. "Can you seeee?" She stuck out her tongue wide. James rubbed his head and then squinted his eyes and tried examining the tongue. In James drunken position, a sudden idea came to his head, something he would never thought to do if he was clear-headed. He smiled cheekily at Lily.

"I know something we could to do to make it better..." He raised his eyebrows and licked his lips. Sirius snorted amusedly as he watched James chin and upper lip covered in saliva as he'd licked his lips just a bit too much.

"Oh really?" Lily replied, drunkenly flirting back. Meanwhile, Remus watched helplessly.

"Shouldn't we stop them?" Remus muttered to Sirius, as he watched James and Lily, in no state of sobriety, leaning into each other as they giggled.

"Why...?" Sirius asked, eyeing the two as their lips were open. James' tongue was eagerly sticking out and Sirius chuckled.

"_Because_ they are completely drunk out of their minds and they'd never even think of doing this if they were sober," Remus said.

Sirius looked and him blankly. "What's your point?"

"I just don't think we should of given them that much alcohol," Remus hissed.

"That's all folks! I'll be here all week! G'night and merlin bless!" Sirius announced to the inn as his head slammed abruptly on the table.

_Looks like that conversation with Sirius is over with_, Remus thought bitterly. He turned his attention back to James and Lily's who's faces were merely millimetres away; James' tongue eagerly ready to French-kiss Lily's pain away, and Lily looking just as willing to accept it...


	13. Costumes and a beard

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 13**

Remus had been the only marauder to have one pint of firewhiskey and then _actually stop_; not go back for seconds, or as in James and Sirius' case, go back for eighths. One in the group needed to stay at least sober enough to remember their way back to Hogwarts.

He watched helplessly as his fellow marauder and his so-called enemy lean into each other, smirking cheekily with their plumped lips in their completely hammered state. It _had_ looked like Lily's destination was James' lips. Unfortunately, and very surprisingly to Remus and James (Sirius was passed out so his presence did not count) Lily's aim was at another place. She took her pouted lips elsewhere and instead sank her teeth into another facial feature. Of course, James wouldn't have minded a hard kiss and her sinking teeth onto his lips. He had not or sincerely liked her teeth which were unusually sharp, sinking into-

"MY NOSE!" James yelped, clutching his hand to what Lily has suddenly decided to gnaw at. She laughed manically, happy at her result. Remus smiled; perhaps Lily had not been as drunk as he thought she was. "Why'd you do that?" James asked, bewildered.

"Because, if you think-" she paused suddenly, trying to remember exactly what the name of the person she was talking to. Remus rolled his eyes.

_Lily _was_ as drunk as I thought,_ he thought to himself.

"Pames Jotter!" she recalled.

James looked back at her, confused, in his drunken mind thinking exactly why his parents named him that.

"If you think," Lily repeated, pointing her finger sluggishly at him. "That I am gonna kiss you, then you've got another thing coming."

"What thing coming?" James asked, puzzled.

Lily looked at him blankly. "I dunno. That's just what people say when they're annoyed, isn't it?"

Remus massaged his head.

_Oh Merlin, I'm surrounded by imbeciles. Drunken imbeciles,_ Remus thought tiredly.

James made a sort of grunting understanding "hmm" and then comfortably laid his head on the niffler 'Remus's stomach, who was sleeping peacefully on the table. James heavily snored. The niffler didn't seem to move or argue about the weight of James' head on him. Remus wondered if the niffler was dead due to Sirius who had alcoholically poisoned it.

"I think we're going to need some coffee here," Remus said, "And lot's of it." He spoke out loud to himself because his friends were too drunk to comprehend what he was talking about.

He sighed, stood up and took a last look at his companions.

"I'm just going to Madam Puddifoot's to see if I can bribe some coffee off her. Although, I'm not sure if she'll let me in after the performance we had in her teashop."

Only Lily seemed to be half-listening as she was searching through James hair; regrettably she had dropped her chewing gum into his tresses and was determined to find it. Remus hoped she would not return the gum into her mouth when she finally did. "Lily, will look after the guys?" he asked her as she was the only one barely awake as he glanced at a now sleeping James, and the already snoozing Sirius. He regretted his words, realising that Lily could hardly look after herself. She looked up at the sound of her name.

"Huh? What were you saying Reeemus?"

"I'm going to go get some coffee," he slowly explained again.

She brightened. "Mmmmm, coffee sounds sooo good."

"Lily, stay here. Don't move. And, just…don't move at all, okay?"

She nodded enthusiastically in understanding then waved energetically as he exited the Hog's Head.

"Byeee Reeemus!"

----------

Remus ambled in the darkness of Hogsmeade on his way back to the Hog's Head to reunite with his friends. He didn't exactly know how long they'd spent drinking in the Hog's head. He figured it was a long time considering the sunlight, or in fact, any light had gone from the sky. He'd managed to get four cups of coffee off Madam Puddifoot after a long time of begging and pleading. She'd eventually given in because Remus had not been completely part of the destruction caused earlier in her tea shop.

He opened the door to the inn again, and wandered back over to their usual table at the back of the room. He stopped dead, then dropped his four coffee's (which he had took so long and intensely to get) onto the dirt-ridden stone floor.

"Bugger," Remus cursed. "Bloody arse-ing typical."

He discovered the table was empty, except for the two nifflers who were looking up at him innocently as he eyed them.

"Please say you ate them?" Remus asked the nifflers.

They looked up at him vacantly and he sighed, realising that he was inheriting the habit of talking to nifflers like Sirius had adopted. He picked up the two black creatures and dragged them by their leashes whilst they staggered after him, exiting Hog's Head.

--------------

"Sirius!" Remus called as he wandered down the path outside the Hog's Head. "James! Lily!" He pointed his wand around that was giving out the light and stumbled across an old witch who was passing. "Excuse me, Miss?" he asked her politely. The woman stopped abruptly, looking at him and also at the drunken animals next to him, confused at their presence. She looked as if she were afraid that the teenager would mug her or set his creatures to rip her apart. "Have you see three drunken teenagers? One flirting with anything that moves? Two attached by hands? One's got a black eye, bump on the head and possibly teeth marks on his nose?"

The old witch looked back at him in fear of his sanity, then slowly shook her head. "Okay then, thanks." Remus told her, walking away from the woman. "For not helping," he added under his breath.

Walking some more, he encountered another witch, this time of a young age of around early twenties. She was smiling widely and shaking her head to herself. The witch looked friendlier and at least not as petrified as the other old witch, so he approached her with the same question.

"Scuse me? Have you seen three drunken teenagers?" Remus asked, this time not going on with their detailed descriptions.

"Oh, a red headed girl? And two boys? One that flirts with anything that moves?"

Reddening, Remus nodded.

"I just saw them now in Gladrags Wizardwear," she chuckled. "They looked highly amusing."

"Thanks for your help," Remus told her, and was about to ask what she meant about his friend's 'amusing' appearance but she had walked off giggling.

He groaned inwardly. Knowing that they were in a clothes shop, especially when they were drunk, was not good news to him. He instantly started quickening his pace, much to the nifflers dislike. They could barely keep up when he was walking besides a faster walk.

Jogging, he passed the many shops until he finally made it to the Gladrags Wizardwear which was a few yards away from him. He was about to walk up to the shop and enter. However -but perfectly on time- James, Sirius and Lily had exited the shop laughing hysterically.

"Oh, Merlin." Remus eyed the three as they approached him. Looking them up and down, he took in their appearance. "Since when did they do fancy dress in Gladrags Wizardwear?"

"Since noow!" The three chorused back at them. Remus sighed and massaged his head.

"Moony! There you are!" Sirius yelled, as if Remus had only just arrived and was at the other end of a football pitch.

"Padfoot...what are you wearing?" Remus asked him, a definite frown on his face.

Sirius giggled back at him. "I'm a fairy!" he sang.

"Good for you," Remus replied, looking at Sirius' outfit with displeasure. He was all pink and glittery. His outfit included a pink frilly dress, pink tights, pink girly shoes, even some sort of pink tiara, complete with a tacky pink wand with a star on the end. There was too much pink and glitter for Remus to handle. Sirius turned around and displayed another pink object he was wearing: pink wings.

"Look at my wings, Moony! Go on Moony, touch em!" Sirius shook his wings at him.

Remus cringed. "No thanks, Padfoot-"

"Go on, Moony! You know you want to!-"

"I'd rather not-"

"Just touch em, Moony! They're so pretty and-"

"Padfoot, I'm not touching your wings!"

Sirius pouted his lips and sulked.

"Spoilsport! Moody Moony. Let me just sprinkle some fairy dust on you to cheer you up!" Sirius said happily, then shook his pink wand at Remus.

Before Remus could argue, sparkly glitter -or in Sirius' mind 'fairy dust'- was sprinkled on top of him. He shut his eyes and started coughing as he felt he was bring drowned by pink type confetti. Once Sirius had finished, a great smile was magnified on his face. Remus dusted the glitter that he had been submerged in.

"Thanks for that, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned as he stuck up a thumb in response as if he thought he'd done Remus a great favour. He was about to continue shaking off any more glitter when a loud and forced cough coming from James brought his attention. He looked up at James, this time not frowning at him like he had done with Sirius, but instead giving him a look of confusion. "Who are you supposed to be?" Remus asked.

James looked back at him, highly insulted. "I'm Dumbley-dooor!" he announced.

Remus stared back at him blankly, figuring that he must of meant Albus Dumbledore.

He was wearing bright purple robes with shining stars all over; a pointed hat which was patterned the same. He also sported a long, grey beard that was so long in length that it was dragging on the ground. The beard was also matched with a grey moustache that James was stroking nicely like it was a loving pet.

Remus looked at the beard and moustache curiously. "Are they permanent?" he questioned, noticing the beard looked strongly attached to James' chin. Remus made a swift tug on the beard and James yelped which confirmed his suspicions.

"I'm not sure," James said, "The woman said it lasts a few hours or so." He stroked his chin and twitched his grey moustache. Remus was worried about the part of that sentence 'or so', meaning that the hair extensions would probably last a lot longer then James would hope for.

"Look at the beard though Moony!" James said, echoing Sirius pleads earlier.

"I'm looking at it, Prongs-"

"Just look at it, Moony! It's so looong and beardy-"

"Beardy isn't a word-"

"And it's soo soooft, touch it Moony! Go on!"

"I don't want to touch it-"

"Go on, you know you want to!"

"I am not touching anyone's costumes. Especially not yours, Lily."

Lily looked at him as if he'd suddenly just apparated in front of her.

"Remus, how are you? It feel's like I haven't see you for aaages!"

Remus was about to point out that it had only been not so long ago that he had talked her, telling her not to move which she had done anyway, but didn't bother to say. "Who and what are you, Lily?" he asked her.

"Sirius took the last fairy costume," Lily sulked. Sirius childishly stuck his tongue out at her.

Remus looked at Lily's new appearance; she was wearing what looked like to be some sort of nurse's uniform that consisted of black tights and a tight, a short dress that was decorated with a red cross, finished with a type of matching hat. She also had a stethoscope hung around her neck. Remus hadn't seen many nurses in his teenage life but he was sure as hell that they wore more clothing then Lily was, and also their dresses weren't so short that there was nothing left to the imagination.

Remus looked at Lily apprehensively, her wearing a nurse's uniform around James was not necessarily a good idea. His thoughts were confirmed when James kept on giggling every time he eyed Lily clothes, raising his eyebrows suggestively to Remus.

"I'm a nurse. Nurse Lily calling Doctor Remus?" she asked him playfully.

"Doctor Remus does not respond."

Lily laughed at him, and then put her stethoscope to her ears and to James chest, trying to listen to his heart beat. James did not complain; in fact, he was delighted.

"I can't hear your heart beating," Lily complained. "You must be dead..." She stroked a hand over his chest.

"I can take my shirt off if you want? And then, you could do the same? Maybe then you'll hear it better?" James suggested, about to pull a sleeve off himself.

"Oh, God no!" Remus told him, forcing the robe to say on his friend.

"No thank you, gramps," Lily told James, tickling him with his beard.

Remus realised he hadn't spoken to Sirius in a few minutes and saw him stumbling up to a nearby shop window.

"Sirius! Get your fairy butt back here!" Remus ordered, watching his friend stagger off. He was about to pursue him when James had tugged on his arm.

"Isn't it soooo loooong, Moony-"

"James, I know, you've pointed that out already."

"I mean, it's sooo long, that you could probably, like, skip with it."

Remus, who was about to walk after Sirius, stopped and faced to James.

"No, Prongs, I wouldn't try that if I were you-"

Regrettably, he had already picked up the beard and was trying to skip with it. Remus was indeed right that it was not a smart idea and James fell to the ground as he tripped over the beard, with Lily falling with him. They both groaned painfully as the ground was not a soft landing. Remus walked back over to them, sighing, and tried to help them up as they wobbled unstably.

Meanwhile, Sirius was busy having a conversation: with the shop window.

"Hey, good looking. You look familiar, have I dated you before?" Sirius asked his reflection. His reflection, which he thought was an extremely attractive girl, didn't respond. "Oh, I get it, you're one of the quiet, silent types, right?"

Remus who'd been helping James and Lily, could hear Sirius mumbling.

"Padfoot, you better not break that window! Get back here! Don't make me come over there!" Remus warned, whilst James leaned an arm over his shoulder.

"Reeemuss, I poked my eye with my stethoscope," Lily spoke in a child-like voice, rubbing her eye as she tugged on to Remus like he was her father; an extremely annoyed father.

_I am so not having kids when I'm older,_ Remus thought moodily. He tried to pull up Lily with the hand she had extended to him.

"Moooony! I'm busy here!" Sirius shouted back to the confused Remus. He smiled sexily at his image in the window. "Let's cut to the chase, shall we?" He moved in closer to his reflection, opening his mouth widely and moving his tongue in a circular motion.

"Oh no..." Remus said.

He watched as Sirius start attack the shop window as he snogged it passionately. A few witches and wizards who were in the particular shop gasped in horror as they saw Sirius' swirling tongue, teeth and flattened lips against the window licking it, which was now covered in saliva.

"Why is that fairy boy kissing the shop window?" a wizard asked inside the shop.

"Why is that fairy boy kissing _my _shop window?" the owner yelled angrily.

Remus quickly ran over to his hormone filled friend. In the process, making James and Lily fall to the ground with a muffled "Ooof!" sound because Remus had been supporting their weight.

"Padfoot!" Remus called his name as he ran over to him and tried to force the kissing Sirius off the window. He broke apart from his kissing partner looking highly annoyed.

"Moony, can't you see I'm otherwise engaged?" Sirius pouted his lips that looked a bloody, bold red. Remus was about to point out to Sirius that he had not been kissing a girl, or to be more specific, even a person, but the furious shop owner opened the door looking enraged. The owner was not pleased that he had been cleaning his shop window with his lips, especially when he'd done a poor job of it.

"Bugger off! Get away from my shop window, you drunken bums!" The man shouted at the pair.

Remus looked at the man apologetically. "Sorry, Sir. He hadn't has his medication today."

Sirius gave him a look which said 'since when did I need medication?'

"C'mon girl. Let's go," Sirius told his reflection, and Remus steered Sirius away from the window. Sirius looked around wildly as he didn't see the 'girl' follow him.

"Moony, the girl? Where'd the hot girl go?" he questioned. Remus looked at him worriedly; he didn't have the heart to tell him that the girl was not real.

"Um, she had to hurry off somewhere," Remus lied.

Sirius looked thoroughly disappointed. "She used me Moony...all she wanted was a quick snog and then she left...just like that..." He clicked his fingers. Remus patted him on the back.

He then bent down to the ground where James and Lily were lying with two nifflers at their side.

"Guys, are you okay?" Remus asked them. They groaned back painfully in response. "Padfoot, help me get them up."

Sirius scoffed but eventually pulled James to his feet whilst Remus dragged Lily up. James seemed to be quite steady on his feet; however, Lily was not.

"I don't feel so good..." she mumbled as she kneeled on the floor.

"C'mon Lily, we have to get back to Hogwarts," Remus told her.

"Yeah, I need to go the toilet," Sirius said.

"Sirius, just pee in the alley over there," James suggested.

Sirius narrowed his eyebrows at him. "I need to do the _other_ thing."

James looked at him apprehensively. "We have _got_ to get back to Hogwarts." Although he was drunk, he would not ever be prepared to watch Sirius take a crap in front of him. "C'mon Lily, try and stand."

"My head...hurts..." Lily complained, clutching her forehead. "Pain...and I..." she couldn't continue as she'd fallen back and passed out. The boys sighed.

"Great," Remus commented. "Prongs, you're going to have to carry her."

"What? No way!" James argued.

"Just give her a piggy back or something," Sirius suggested.

They did Sirius' suggestion and it proved to be harder then it sounded. Giving Lily a piggy back seemed impossible to do when her hand attached to James.

"Bugger that idea then," Sirius said, giving up trying to twist Lily's arms in an odd and unnatural position.

"Why don't you and Sirius hold Lily's arms and I hold her legs?" Remus advised more sensibly to James. Teasing, Sirius clapped slowly at his sudden idea. Remus rolled his eyes and picked up Lily's legs, whilst James just lifted his arm up that was already holding Lily's hand anyway. James held onto the two leashes with his other hand that pulled along the barely awake nifflers.

"Padfoot, I said hold her arm, not her arse," Remus said..

James glared at Sirius who had been caught holding Lily's buttocks.

"Sorry, must of misheard you," Sirius apologized, moving his hands to Lily's arm instead. The four walked slowly on their way back to one of the passages which would lead them back to school.

-------------

"Moony, Mr. Moony, he's the greatest guy in history," Sirius sang oddly similar to the 'Flintstones' theme tune as they walked through the passage. Because, of course, the consumption of alcohol can make you feel like you can sing in tune; something Sirius was not doing at that precise moment. "From the, school of Hogwarts, oh I think I've lost my dignity-"

"Padfoot, you have got to stop watching those muggle cartoons."

--------------

After an hour, the four fifth years finally made it back to Hogwarts. They climbed the floors until they got to portrait of the Fat Lady . Remus automatically said the password to the Gryffindor Tower.

"My goodness, you kids have dressed up a few months early for Haloween," The Fat Lady told them as she looked at their costumes. They looked back at her grimly. "What's happened to the young lady?" She eyed the passed out Lily.

"None of your business," James snapped. She glared at him in return.

"Please, just let us in before Filch comes?" Sirius asked nicely.

The fat lady smiled sweetly back at him and opened the door, blushing. They quickly hurried inside and sighed happily at the comfort of their common room which was empty except for two fifth years. The boys lowered Lily to the floor and were met with Anna, who had been in the common room waiting their return. She immediately came up to them looking startled at their appearance. Peter followed closely behind.

"There you guys are! You just left me with only him for company." Anna pointed to the embarrassed Peter standing next to him. She took in their clothes and snorted.

"Did you guys go the circus or something?" She gave Remus a strange look as he was the one who was holding the two nifflers in his arms at that precise moment. "What's wrong with Lily?" Anna asked the boys instead, watching Lily snore from the floor.

"She got drunk," Remus explained.

Anna looked at the boys indecorously. "You gave her alcohol!" The boys flinched. "Lily and alcohol do not mix."

"We noticed," Sirius said.

Anna turned to face him and found herself chuckling. "Wow, Sirius. You look so pretty," she commented. Sirius winked back at her. "I know I do," he said, fluttering his wings at her.

"Who's idea what is it exactly to dress up Lily as a nurse?" Anna asked, looking at her passed out friend.

"Hers, unfortunately," Remus said. "Only because Sirius took the last fairy costume."

"I'm not even going to ask about the nifflers." Anna shook her head. The group watched as James tiredly dragged Lily over to the couch, struggling to pick her up and lay her on it. Once he managed to place Lily, not exactly in a gentle manner, he promptly collapsed on top of her, completely exhausted.

"You don't think he'll suffocate her, do you?" Anna asked.

"Nah," Sirius answered.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow morning, then," Anna told them as she went up the common room stairs to sleep in her dorm.

"Go Prongise," Sirius cheered as he watched James who was lying on Lily; his head was positioned on top of Lily's chest. James was completely unaware but his head seemed to comfortably enjoy the spot it was placed in and was snuggling into Lily's breasts as if it were a comfy head rest.

"Lily wasn't that pleased when she found herself using James chest for a pillow, I don't think she'll be that happy now its the other way round," Remus said.

Sirius shrugged.

"They do look comfy though," Remus added, smiling.

James' face looked pleased as his head was nuzzling more into Lily's chest, whilst Lily's face looked quietly content.

"Please say you're talking about James and Lily and not Lily's b-"

"I'm talking about James and Lily."

Sirius tried picturing James as the real Albus Dumbledore and Lily as Professor McGonagall dressed in a nurses uniform and laughed to himself. Remus and Peter didn't want to know exactly what was on Sirius' mind.

"Well, I'm going to go wash my hands now," Remus said.

Sirius looked at him with confusion. "Why?"

"The nifflers have seemed to relieved themselves in them." Remus stated, dropping the nifflers to the floor which growled furiously back at him. The two creatures joined Lily and James on the couch and nestled on top of them.

"Couldn't you just imagine those nifflers being their kids one day?" Sirius asked his friends.

They silently nodded smiling.

"The spell's working isn't it?" Peter said, gazing at the two.

"Yeah…slowly, but yeah," Sirius replied.

Remus walked up the common room stairs, and Sirius took one last look at the sleeping two.

"G'night Mr. and Mrs. Prongsie," he told the slumbering couple as he followed Peter to bed.

-----------

Lily woke the next morning and hoped and wished she'd wake to a day that would _not_ be faced with trouble which would nearly end up killing her, and also awaken to something that she would not scream in shock to.

This wouldn't be one of those days.

She was _not_ calm when she suddenly woke up coughing as hair was over her mouth, to be more specific, grey hair that belonged to a grey beard. She was definitely _not_ relaxed when she saw some 'old guy' which the grey and extremely long beard was attached to; also with a moustache and glasses, in sparkly star robes, looking oddly like a Dumbledore-wanabee, snuggling into her breasts.

Her piercing scream woke the 'old guy' who'd been nuzzling comfortably. He'd also been shocked when his eyes popped opened, met with a girl's breasts staring back at him. That was something he was not expecting to see.

They both clutched their heads in pain as they both screamed, both deciding that loud noises were something they would both not like to hear that morning. As Lily massaged her head, she looked at the bewildered guy who was lying on top of her, finally realising who it was when she looked at his hazel eyes.

"James!" she yelled indecorously.

"Lily!…Oh, right, hands still stuck," James reminded himself.

"Why are you dressed up like an old pensioner who's never been to the hairdressers?"

"Why are you dressed up as a...slutty nurse?" His voice sounded a little regretful. He really wished Lily was not dressed up as a slutty nurse: it was one of his dirty fantasies.

She reddened. "I don't want to sound rude or anything, but can you get off me?"

Embarrassingly, James apologized as he tried to get off her. The problem was he couldn't. He tittered nervously.

"Bit of a problem," James said. Lily looked at him suspiciously. "The zipper on my trousers seem to be stuck to your unbelievably tight and short dress." Lily looked at him, gaping. "I'm definitely not joking, by the way," he added, trying to lift himself off her.

Lily watched him pick himself up and found he was right as the trouser zipper was caught tightly with the material of her dress.

_This maybe of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me, _Lily decided in her mind. _No, wait: me in James' underwear. No wait: me dressed up as a slut. I seem to be having a lot of embarrassing things happening to me since I've been attached to him…_

"I swear we're jinxed," Lily said. James found himself nodding silently. "Okay," she began calmly. "You just try really hard to pull your trouser zipper away while I push you," she suggested.

James looked back at her unconvinced that it would work. He jerkily tried lifting himself off her again, and suddenly felt something hit him in the cheek.

"Ow!" James moaned. He didn't like Lily's hand and fingers pushing forcefully into his face. "Can you not do that?"

"Just keep trying!" Lily snapped.

Again, James tried thrusting himself off her, but the zipper and material was still stuck.

"Dammit!" James cursed and landed heavily back on Lily. Lily groaned in pain, blushing intently; having James Potter lying on her and landing on her so forcefully was not comforting.

"You're not as light as a feather you know," Lily pointed out.

"Sorry."

They tried again, both groaning noisily as the zipper was still caught on James trousers, refusing to let them go. Meanwhile, Lily's friend Anna was walking silently down the common room stairs, slightly disturbed at the voices she was hearing.

"Damn it all!"

"Why isn't it working, James?

"I dunno, Lily! The damn thing won't come off!"

"Keep trying."

Anna distinctively heard the sound of James frustrated moaning, a collapsing sound of James body against Lily, and then Lily groaning.

"Stupid thing, I dunno why they were even created."

"We need them, James."

"Why?"

"Well, they are useful."

Anna stumbled in the common room, her mouth gaping.

"Oh. My. God."

Anna stood to the side of the couch and in her view, all she could see was James back and his body which was thrusting back and forth roughly and Lily who was lying below him. She looked horrified to the two nifflers next to the couch which had decided to do some early congressing with each other. At the sound of Anna's voice, James turned his head around abruptly whilst Lily moved her head to see who was standing before them in their uncompromising position.

"Crap," they cursed in unison, knowing exactly this must of looked and sounded to her. James and Lily looked to the sight of nifflers who were mating in front of them, and back to the shocked Anna.

"Anna-" Lily started.

"I'm so sorry! I should have knocked or something-except there isn't a door-but I'm so sorry! I'll leave you two alone!" Anna ran up the common room stairs; two steps at a time. James and Lily watched, purely lost for words. James looked at Lily, gulping nervously. He was about to say something but Lily had cut in with, "Not one word. Not one sodding word."

James nodded in reply and looked down to his trousers. For some odd reason, the zipper had released the material just at the point when Anna had left.

"How predictable," James muttered.

He got off Lily whilst she moved her legs giving James room to sit down on the couch. They both sat it silence, traumatized by what had just happened.

"Do you remember anything that happened last night?" James asked.

"I remember going to Hogsmeade, and then my mind draws a blank from there," Lily told him rubbing her head. "My head is pounding."

"Feeling's mutual," James agreed. They both stood up, both yelped in pain as they felt as if someone just suddenly impaled a fork in their foreheads.

"I think I'm gonna hurl," they said together, mouths bulging.

To their dismay, their nearest toilet was upstairs in the dormitories. The two ran up the common room stairs and James tripped on his long beard while Lily stumbled with dizziness. They swayed, pushing open the marauder's dorms door. A bemused Remus and Peter woke up suddenly to the sound of the door opening, each with messy bed hair and confused faces.

"Hey, guys. It's a bit early, isn't it?" Peter said groggily.

Neither James or Lily answered as they ran across the room towards the door leading to the bathroom. James frantically twisted the handle and discovered it was locked. This was not good news to him; he was going to be sick any second and looking at Lily's green face next to him, it looked like she would puke sooner then he would. Remus rubbed his eyes and watched James pound on the door.

"James?" Remus said. "Lily? I think Siri-"

He swiftly stopped talking, watching James step back across the room while the ill Lily dragged confusedly in his walking. Charging, James smacked his whole body against the door, forcing the door open. They discovered behind the door something they both didn't want to see: Sirius with his backside on display to them. His boxers were down in preparation for the peeing he was about to do in the toilet which he thought he was about to do in private. He shrieked in surprised when the door slammed open, specifically after he'd locked it, horrified as pulled up his boxers whilst James and Lily shielded their burning eyes.

"_What are you guys doing in here_?" Sirius yelled hysterically.

"I seriously hope you haven't peed already," James said, promptly pushing the confused Sirius aside.

Both James and Lily dropped to their knees, bending over the toilet, and as they collided heads and vomited into the bowl.

"Ughh," Sirius made a sound of disgust at their sound of them puking.

A sleepy Remus walked to the doorway of the bathroom and watched James and Lily as they were clutching their heads in pain and wiping their mouths distastefully.

"I guarantee you guys will be extremely cheerful today," Remus said sarcastically.

They grunted in reply.

-----------

"Sirius, will stop playing with my beard," James said fiercely.

Sirius was certainly enjoying himself. He'd been putting plaits in the beard, tickling the others with it, and was now pretending to strangle himself with it.

"Hours of fun!" Sirius said.

Lily and the boys were still in the dormitory and were now changed from their ridiculous outfits, recovered from the vomiting. There was another problem though: James' beard did not seem to be disappearing anytime soon.

"I've tried every spell and the damn thing won't disappear! It must have some protection thing on it," James said, yelping in pain as Peter tried 'helpfully' to tug it off James' chin. Sirius also joined in the fun by trying to pull James moustache off.

"OW! I told you already, it wont come off by pulling it!"

"Just checking," Sirius said.

Lily looked at the boys and sighed at their stupidity. "Have you even tried _cutting_ the beard off?"

James beamed at her. "You're a genius, Lily Evans!"

Lily reddened to some extent. "Its called common sense..."

"Padfoot, scissors? You had them last," James said.

"I did?" Sirius spoke uncertainly.

"Yes, remember? You were trying to cut off Snape's hair in Potions?"

Sirius immediately smiled reminiscing that moment. Sirius found the scissors submerged under a pile of junk in his trunk. He stepped towards James, happy that he was going to have the pleasure of playing hairdresser on him. But the second he snapped open the scissors and tried to cut the grey and ridiculously long beard, the beard had suddenly sprung alive in fear, attacking Sirius as it knocked the scissors out of his hand. The beard decided to strangle Sirius to death for his actions.

"Padfoot, you're not bloody funny, alright!" James told him as he watched Sirius 'pretend' to strangle himself for the hundredth time that morning. The group looked at him as he made very convincing gurgling noises as the beard was trying to cut off his air supply.

Sirius then started violently coughing. "Can't...breathe..." He whispered, trying to pry the beard off his neck with his hand.

They were amused by the performance, quite impressed by how assuring his strangling looked.

"Wow. That's so cool Sirius! You're such a good actor!" Peter said in great awe. Sirius had now collapsed to the floor, wrestling with the beard, his struggling getting weaker and weaker.

"Guys, shouldn't we be worried?" Remus asked.

"Why?"

"Because his face seems to be turning different colours," Remus pointed out.

The group registered this note, realising that maybe -just maybe- Sirius wasn't acting. They promptly tried stopping the beard commit murder and helped Sirius breathe again.

----------

"That beard seems to have a mind of its own if its threatened to be cut in any way. I think we should keep any sharp objects such as scissors away from the beard, " Remus advised.

"Ya think?" Sirius growled. "My neck, my beautiful neck! Is it damaged, Moony? Is it broken? Will I die?"

"Padfoot, I told you already. Your neck is fine," Remus said.

"I don't think there's anything you can do, Prongs, just wait until it finally fades," Remus told him helplessly.

"_What_? I'm not letting everyone see me with a beard longer then Dumbledore's!" James hissed.

"James, frankly, I don't care about your stupid beard. I just want some coffee. And I want it now," Lily said venomously as she felt as if her hangover was slowly killing her.

"Fine!" James sulked. "Damn you all!"

He stormed out of the dorm with an annoyed Lily and slammed the door behind him.

"Ooo, Mr. Grumpy today," Sirius commented, and was about to follow with Peter and Remus when Remus stopped him.

"Padfoot, you are aware that you're still wearing that pink tiara." He pointed out to Sirius, looking up at the glittery head garment.

"Oh, but it's so pretty and-"

"Padfoot, please take it off."

"_Fiiiine_. _Damn you all_!" Sirius mimicked James, dramatically storming out of the dorm and slamming the door shut. He made a painful groan as he accidentally slammed the door shut in his face, crying in pain as the door had hit him in the nose.


	14. Brekkie and quidditch

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 14**

"I am never drinking again."

"Neither am I...this week," Sirius partly agreed with Lily.

The group were sitting in the great hall, eating breakfast before the match of the Gryffindors against the Slytherins; the match that James would not be playing in. James Potter was extremely depressed by this. He was not able to play quidditch and he had an extremely long beard. Life officially sucked.

"Um, Prongs? Your beard is in my porridge," Peter pointed out nervously. James glared at him whilst Peter cowered. "But that's not a problem for me, I'll, just, carry on eating."

James went back to staring moodily at his morning coffee while Peter tried eating the rest of his porridge, picking out grey hairs that were in his breakfast. James noticed a few students staring at him, pointing and whispering about his new found hair extension.

"What? What are you looking at! Yes, I have suddenly grown a beard, is that a problem for you!" He lifted up a cowering first year at least five foot from the ground and Lily angrily smacked James to his senses. She did not like people bullying the midgets.

"Last night was great, wasn't it?" Sirius sighed happily, but it also seemed like he was asking for reassurance that it had actually been a good night of drinking in Hosgmeade considering he couldn't remember much of the 'fun' he thought they'd experienced. He had to admit, he was a little shocked and horrified to find himself waking in a fairy costume. Of course, it hadn't been the first time he'd woke to a ridiculous outfit. And the fairy costume, in his opinion, made him look extremely sexy but also with a sensitive side which was represented by all the pink.

"Do you remember any of last night?" Remus questioned.

"Well, all I know is that I saw this hot girl," Sirius reminisced and felt himself drooling slightly. "We exchanged saliva, by the way."

Lily and Remus groaned at the way he had described his momentous kissing.

"How romantic," Lily said distastefully.

James looked thoroughly confused. "What hot girl? I know I was drunk out of my mind but I most definitely don't remember a hot girl."

_Except for Lily of course...great, I've gone back to having these abnormal thoughts of her again. I thought I'd lost that 5 chapters ago..._James thought moodily. Remus started chuckling as James looked so bewildered.

"Padfoot, describe this hot girl to us," Remus asked, pursing his lips.

"Well, she was around my height and had dark sexy hair, and dark smouldering eyes. The most exceptional bottom," Sirius commentated.

"You touched her bottom?" Peter whispered breathlessly in awe.

"No, I simply admired it. I do admit, she was a little flat chest-ed."

On this note, Remus was laughing, not able to control himself any longer. Maybe the reason why he thought this 'girl' was flat chest-ed was because 'she' was a shop window. Shop windows were not blessed with feminine features as the one he thought he'd described. He was about to explain to the confused Sirius looking at him strangely at his laughing that this imaginary girl was actually his reflection, but decided against it, using the information for a future blackmail opportunity, or when Sirius annoyed him so much that the news would shut him up faster then a niffler to a shiny necklace.

"Quidditch...without me...it's just not right," James said grimly. Lily rolled her eyes feeling he was being way too over dramatic.

"Don't worry Prongs, at least you'll be able to watch the game," Peter told him, but James remained disgruntled. He was not interested in just _watching_ the game, he wanted to be _in_ the game. He hated being left out.

Lily was nervous at the news of her and James being in the crowds observing. "Do we, er, _have_ to go watch the game?"

James looked at her with affront. "Of course we have to! Why'd you ask?"

"It's just...I'm not that good with heights. I haven't been to many of the games, I just stay firmly on the ground," Lily said truthfully, referring the difference of standing dangerously high up in the stands. "I just ask what the score is afterwards."

"We're going, Lily. No arguments."

She bit her lip tensely and carried on eating her breakfast muffin.

"Oh, by the way, where are the nifflers?" Remus asked with interest.

"I left them in the common room," Lily said.

"I thought you were going to give the nasty little things back to Professor Lerangis!" Sirius yelled. The creatures still frightened him and he felt like he was constantly on edge, especially as James' beard was laid across the table. He was sure the beard was staring at him, if it had eyes, which could be possibly true under the layers of thick, old grey hair.

"Lily's grown rather attached to them," James grumbled.

"I'll give them back…eventually. Besides, they're great bodyguards. Anyone that annoys me today will get hunted down by the nifflers," Lily said evilly.

James and Sirius exchanged wary looks. It would most likely be James or Sirius irritating her that day at some point.

Lily suddenly brightened when she saw Anna enter the great hall, in deep need of some female company and any civilised conversation. She could have a civil conversation with Remus but it would normally be interrupted by Sirius' whining about being; hungry, bored, starving, really bored or just plain horny. She wanted to explain the humiliating misunderstanding in the common room, involving the savage zipper against the defenceless and extremely close-fitting dress.

"Anna! Anna, come sit here!" Lily told her enthusiastically. Anna spotted her, reddening in embarrassment and with fear, and shamefully ran out of the great hall.

"Look's like she's not having breakfast this morning," Remus said. Lily was furious.

"This is all your fault, James!" She looked at him crossly. It looked like he'd been the first to annoy her that morning and had won first place of being hunted down by the nifflers that awaited in the common room.

"What? My fault! How is it my fault?"

"Because, it was _your_ stupid zipper on _your_ bloody trousers that made Anna think she interrupted us shagging in the common room!" Lily shouted at him.

Everyone in the great hall suddenly silenced at the word 'shagging' and turned their heads to Lily and James. The red head immediately reddened, lowering her head away from the watchful eyes. James didn't care; people had already been staring at him because of his beard, a few more hundred eyes wouldn't matter.

"You shouldn't speak so loud," Sirius said. She glared back at him.

"You shouldn't speak at all," Lily snapped. He had been second to infuriate Lily, consequently second on the nifflers hunting list.

"Kill me...just kill me now..." Lily said under her breath.

Before she could consider carrying out the action of ending her embarrassing and pitiful life, the oh-so-not-cheery Jonathan had entered the great hall. James spotted the seventh year and ducked, trying to force down an annoyed Lily -who's coffee had been abruptly smacked out of her hand- to also lower herself.

"My coffee, you idiot!" Lily looked at James madly as he sank lower into his seat and forced a hand on her head, pushing her down.

"Please, Lily, just do me one little favour?" James begged. Jonathan's steps were getting nearer and he luckily hadn't spotted him…yet. "Just hide under the table with me? Please?"

"No way!" Lily shook her head fiercely. She would not reduce herself to being under a table with James, again, especially after the library incident.

"C'mon Lily! I'll promise I'll to talk to Anna, I swear!"

She looked at him suspiciously, contemplating the deal.

"Alright," Lily said hesitantly. "But you better explain to her, or I'll-"

However, she couldn't continue as James had promptly tugged and pulled her under the Gryffindor breakfast table. James speedily yanked his annoyingly long beard with him. Peter, who'd been deeply distracted by picking out the grey hairs in his porridge, looked up to see James and Lily gone from their seats. He looked around in bewilderment at their disappearance after not listening to the conversation that had happened a few seconds ago.

"Hey, where'd they go?" he asked.

"They just wanted some privacy under the table to fondle and grope-" Sirius stopped abruptly as a hard, swift kick under the table hit him in the inner leg, narrowly missing his private area. As Sirius groaned painfully, the quidditch captain had made an appearance behind him. Peter jumped a couple of hundred miles out of his skin at his sudden form.

"Black!" Jonathan shouted menacingly.

"Jonny!-" Sirius stopped as Jonathan glared at him profoundly. "Jonathan, I mean! How are you, oh mighty chieftain?"

"Why weren't you at quidditch practice last night?"

Remus looked at his friend worriedly, wondering how on earth he would sneak his way out of a Jonathan-beating. Sirius laughed nervously.

"Well, ya see, it's a funny story really. Um, I was intoxicated-"

"Oh!" Jonathan interrupted, understanding. "Because of bloody Peeves chucking all those dungbombs last night!"

Sirius paused, comprehending what he'd just said. "Uh...sure?" he cautiously agreed. He'd planned to say that he was intoxicated, but not by dungbombs, but with alcohol; but if Jonathan thought he was somehow fumed by dungbombs, he might aswell not argue with him.

"Alright, Black. I'll let you off, just this one time though. You just better play some damn good quidditch today," the captain said menacingly, and Sirius obediently nodded. "I want you out on that pitch, _on time_." Sirius hadn't had a good record of punctuality. "I want your 110 percent effort!"

"But that's not physically possible, a person can only do 100 percent and no more-"

"Don't get smart with me, Black," Jonathan warned him.

"Don't worry, Sirius doesn't 'do' smart," Remus butted in as Sirius glared at him heavily.

"Okay, the next matter is," Jonathan said formally. "Where's Potter?" Sirius smiled evilly, hearing a worried breath of intake under the table.

"He's got diarrhoea problems-" Sirius halted in his speaking as a hard stamp to the foot made him wince in unbelievable pain. Jonathan looked at him with confusion as Sirius started whimpering slightly. "I mean, he's been intoxicated too."

The captain eyed him suspiciously.

"Tell Potter, when you see him, that I want a chat with him," Jonathan told the marauders.

They nodded back simply, except Peter who made an unrecognisable and fearful squeak, which fitted perfectly with his animagus form, as Jonathan petrified him so. The marauders had expected Jonathan to leave but he paused when the seventh year girl, Jade, had stood up after finishing her breakfast and was on her way out of the great hall. She was walking in between the great hall tables, having to pass Jonathan on the way to the exit. Jade wished they had multiple exits.

"Dawkins! There you are!"

She cut short as Jonathan tugged on her arm as she was about to pass around him. "Why weren't you at practice last night?"

"I didn't feel like it," Jade said moodily, crossing her arms and turning her head away.

"You can't just turn up without a reasonable excuse, Jade-"

"Oh! So now you call me by my first name!" Jade exploded. The marauders flinched at her sudden loudness, did they have to have a shouting match right next to where they were sitting? _Yes_. Because everyone in Hogwarts seemed to be determined on planning to deafen them. "Oh, I'm so truly honoured you're calling me Jade now! I feel so special!"

"Oh, c'mon, don't be like that-"

"I'll see you down at the pitch," Jade huffed, then walked irately towards the way out of the hall.

"Jade! You can't speak to your captain like that!" Jonathan called after her.

"Oh go stick a broomstick up you arse, captain!"

Jonathan sighed and faced Sirius again.

"Women, eh?" Sirius said sympathetically.

Jonathan eyed him confusedly as he watched Sirius pass what looked to be breakfast muffin under the great hall table. Remus flung his spoon at Sirius as Jonathan watched Sirius openly grab a cup of coffee and deposit it exactly as the muffin. Of course, he was actually handing the food and drink to hungry James under the table, but to Jonathan this looked highly confusing. As Remus' spoon flung him in the face, he looked up to see a bewildered Jonathan staring at him.

"What on earth are you doing, Black? Why did you just deposit that muffin under the table?"

"Er.,.no I didn't," Sirius answered lamely. Remus smacked his head in frustration.

"I just saw you," Jonathan pointed out.

"Um, I keep all my food under the table, for safe keeping," Sirius lied. Jonathan still stared at him inquisitively. "You never know who might take your food from the table." He tapped his nose.

"There's plenty of food to go around," Jonathan said, waving his hand to the long Gryffindor table packed with delicious breakfast to satisfy them. Sirius laughed nervously; he hadn't thought his plan through.

"Yes, indeed," Sirius agreed weakly. "Well, I'll just take the food from the under the table now. Now its safe. _I said_, I'm going to get my muffin now! The muffin that is _under the table_!" he shouted loudly, hoping James would hear. Remus glanced him a worried look as Sirius shoved his hand under the table. "Just a minute."

Sirius waited as the muffin was stuffed hurriedly back into his hand. "There," he said happily, then showed the muffin by placing it on the table.

"Why is the muffin half eaten?" Jonathan asked dubiously. Sirius eyed the cake which had been attacked hungrily at.

"Amazing. I have no idea," he lied again. "Maybe some berk under the table ate it-" he stopped again as a punch was aimed at his leg. "Or maybe it just disintegrated." Sirius whimpered painfully.

"What about your coffee, Sirius?" Peter asked. Remus and Sirius scowled at him as he'd just reminded Jonathan.

"Yes, what about your coffee?" Jonathan echoed him.

"I'll just go get my coffee right now! If anyone is curious, I'm going to get my coffee, under the table! Yes, my coffee!" Sirius screamed again. The hall looked at him strangely as he shouted. Again, he shoved his hand under the table, awaiting a few seconds as the cup of coffee was placed back in his hand. He placed the cup back on the table, showing it again to Jonathan. Yes, it was a cup, but not of coffee now, because Lily had drunk it all.

"The coffee must've evaporated..."

Jonathan looked from a straight-faced Remus, back to Sirius who magnified an extremely fake smile. The smile would have been convincing except for the nervous, fast and heavy breaths coming from his nose.

"_Okay_..." Jonathan was about to slowly back away and exit the hall, but his eye had spotted something. A grey something.

"Is that...is that a beard?" Jonathan asked, perplexed, looking down at his feet where the end of James' beard that had somehow crept out from the under the table and was now sticking out boldly. The curious Jonathan stared at the beard, bending down to reach out and touch it, but a manic Sirius had pulled him away, smacking his posed hand that was reaching out.

"Don't touch the unknown!" Sirius whispered. The boys watched as the beard was feverishly tugged back under the table.

"What on earth-who's under there?" Jonathan demanded.

"Noooobody," Sirius sang.

Jonathan looked back at him unconvinced. "Let me see." He tried to bend over to look at who the beard belonged to. Again, Sirius stopped him, shouting a dramatic "Noooooo!"

"Black! What are you doing! Get off me!" Jonathan shouted as Sirius jumped on his back and was now giving him a piggyback, but not by choice. Sirius covered Jonathan's eyes with his hands as Jonathan stumbled in between the great hall tables, blinded and struggling under the weight of Sirius. Meanwhile, Remus and Peter, along with every other student in the great hall, watched with their mouths gaping.

"Oi! Watch it!" An annoyed girl shouted as the two nearly crushed her by falling on her as she was trying to eat her breakfast in peace.

"Black! Get off me!" Jonathan shouted again, finally managing to push Sirius off with his furious jerking elbows. Sirius fell on his arse and rolled his eyes as Jonathan determinedly -more than ever- tried to look under the table again.

"Jonathan! Wait, I've got to tell you something, about one of the team mates!" Sirius lied as he tugged on Jonathan's robes. The captain had been merely inches away from spotting the petrified James and Lily under the table, but then stopped going any lower at Sirius' words.

"What? Who?" Jonathan asked curiously. Sirius stared back at him blankly.

"Yeah, who, Padfoot?" Remus asked him. Sirius suddenly spotted a blonde, sixth year girl down the table, the other Gryffindor beater for the team along Sirius. She'd just finished her breakfast, smiling in a great mood for the quidditch as she stood up.

Her good mood would not last.

"Rachel! That's who!" Sirius said suddenly, pointing at her. She looked at him at the sudden call of her name, and also at the pointing accused finger. She wondered if she had some food stuck on her face.

"Huh?" she mumbled.

"What about Davies?" Jonathan demanded, referring to Rachel by her surname. Rachel was looking at Sirius suspiciously as if she knew that whatever was to come out if his mouth would not be good.

"She's been seeing that seventh year, Daniel from _Slytherin_! For _six months_ now!" Rachel gasped and reddened as Sirius revealed her secret, immediately thinking in her mind a list of long-drawn-out ways of torturing him and causing him excruciating pain. "She could be a spy for the Slytherins!" Sirius suggested, saying anything to distract the captain from the couple hiding under the table. He knew the captain would take interest at the sentence consisting of the words 'Slytherin' and 'spy'. Sirius smiled in relief as he stood up fully, totally forgetting about the task of looking under the table, his blazing red face focused now on one of the beaters for his team.

"_She's been doing what_?" Jonathan screamed.

"Sirius!" Rachel shouted at him angrily. "You're so getting a beating later!" Sirius shrugged his shoulders apologetically. Jonathan stormed down the table, across from Rachel. She thanked Merlin that the table was separating them. "I was going to tell you, Jonathan, I swear I was-"

"_Why _are you seeing a Slytherin? Don't you care about this team! _Are you mad_?" Jonathan told her, raging. Rachel looked back at him with annoyance, as if to say 'You're calling me mad! You're a complete psycho!'

"Jonathan, please calm down," Rachel said softly. Unfortunately, he'd already made his way around the other side of the table, and was running towards her. Rachel's eyes widened in fear. She made one bitter look at Sirius -pointing at him and then making a gesture of a slice to the neck, signalling his death would be soon- and swiftly ran out of the hall while the hysterical Jonathan chased after her shouting "Davies! Davies, get back here!"

Sirius watched expressionless as the two ran out of the hall, shrugged coolly and then returned sitting next to Remus and Peter and carried on eating the rest of the bitten muffin.

"Rachel is going to beat you with a quidditch bat later," Remus pointed out.

Sirius sighed. "Yep, I know. And she's hot too, that'll lessen the pain, I suppose."

James and Lily finally made their exit from under the table, both swearing loudly as they bumped their heads on the table surface from under it. They sat back down again next to the boys.

"Thanks for the cover, Padfoot," James said gratefully, then looked around for the rest of the muffin that Sirius handed him under the table, horrified to see that it was gone. He instantly knew what happened to the muffin.

"You ate my muffin."

"Ha! Finders keepers, losers...don't get the muffin!" Sirius concluded, sticking out his tongue. Lily looked at him rolling her eyes and helped herself to another coffee; she would need at least five more cups to get her through the day.

"The match is going to start soon, you should get ready, Padfoot," Remus advised him. Sirius held up a finger signalling just one minute longer.

"Just one more coffee, Moony." Sirius grabbed the cup and downed the contents in one. He rubbed his head sorely.

"Are you feeling okay?" Peter asked.

"WILL YOU STOP SHOUTING?" Sirius yelled, clutching his forehead. Peter cowered, terrified, and the others also blinked at the amount of spit he'd shot out as he shrieked those words.

"I wasn't yelling," Peter defended himself.

"Oh, sorry, Wormtail," Sirius apologized. "Effects of alcohol." He felt noises were suddenly magnified louder then normal and were pounding heavily in his head.

"Are you sure you'll be okay to play quidditch?" James asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Sirius reassured him, and promptly stood up.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"To go vomit in the toilet," Sirius said, and exited the hall in a quickened pace.

"Maybe we should get going," Remus suggested. The great hall was less crowded, only dispersed by a few late-morning students. The four of them got up, but were greeted with Dumbledore who was also making his exit out of the great hall. Dumbledore smiled warmly at them, then took in James' appearance and slightly chuckled as his eyes shone.

"Mr. Potter, it's like looking into a mirror," Dumbledore told him as he stroked his long grey beard curiously.

"An extremely blurry one, sir," James added, kicking the beard as it got caught tangled around his leg.

"I'd like to point out to you that there seems to be some sort of trail of liquid on your moustache, I'm guessing could be coffee."

James looked at him with confusion, then wiped a hand on his wet moustache embarrassingly as Lily sniggered.

"I take it, your friends were so considerately fascinated and amused, so didn't inform you," Dumbledore concluded, entertained by the situation. Remus, Peter and Lily whistled distractedly, trying not to look suspicious.

"I see that you have not mastered the art of eating breakfast with a beard," Dumbledore noticed as he looked at James' beard that was covered in random breakfast meals, including porridge, muffin crumbs, a slice of bacon and even a goblet had got itself tangled in the thick, grey hair. James nodded back glumly. "I find, that when one is eating with a beard with a length as long as yours, a useful tip of placing the beard over one's shoulder would be of great help." Dumbledore winked at him and James chuckled. "I will not ask how the beard suddenly grew overnight, but will simply hope that it will fade soon as the hair extension is not to Hogwarts school rules."

"I don't know how you cope, Professor," James said, as Peter tried removing the goblet from James' beard, but failed successfully and fell sliding to the floor.

"You get accustomed to it," the headmaster smiled.

"Professor, have you found any information on our hands yet?" Lily questioned, with somewhat urgency. He looked at her inquisitively and shook his head.

"I'm afraid not, Miss. Evans. Just a little while longer."

She nodded back, disappointed, but found herself also feeling relieved at his news.

_Relieved? Why am I relieved? Is it because the longer I'm stuck with James...the more I want to stay with him?_ Lily pondered.

_Hmm, why am I _not_ furious at this news? Why am I suddenly feeling instantly happier?_ James thought. Dumbledore looked wonderingly at the two as they had conversations in their head and smiled to himself.

"I must be leaving to watch the quidditch match. I hope to see you there supporting your house," Dumbledore said, and nodded courteously to them in his departure.

"You think he knew we went to Hogsmeade last night?" Lily asked anxiously.

"He might have a small inkling."

-----------

"OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod..." Lily muttered to herself, hyperventilating. She was squeezing so hard on James' hand that it had become numb and was turning an odd colour, losing all blood circulation.

"Lily, please, I would really like to keep my hand attached to my arm," James said, looking at her with worry.

She ignored him and carried on muttering frantically to herself. She kept an arm furiously shielding her eyes, peeking out behind them as she spotted how vulnerably high they were in one of the high quidditch stands. She yelped and covered her eyes again.

The four of them sat in the front row, standing behind the wall of the stand where you could bend over the wall and see the pitch of grass that seemed an extremely long way away down. This was what bothered Lily; that she was such a distance away from the ground. The ground was safe and reassuring, being in the air was not. That's why she would never be seen dead on a broomstick.

"James, I really think we shouldn't of chosen to sit in the front, especially when Lily isn't great with heights," Remus pointed out.

"But these are great seats!" James said enthusiastically, but glimpsed at Lily again who looked petrified.

"Lily, don't do that," James said softly, trying to pry her hands glued over her eyes which was extremely hard to do. "Calm down, everything's fine. Just don't look down and enjoy the game." Lily looked at him breathing heavily, not knowing how she was going to enjoy the game at all.

"Are you sure this quidditch stand won't collapse or something?" she asked worriedly.

James gave her a reassuring smile. "No, I'm sure. Don't worry, nothing is going to happen to you," he braced. Remus and Peter smiled as Lily seemed to relax at his words and looked a little more content.

"What are you two smiling about?" James asked his friends suspiciously.

"Nothing..." the boys answered in unison. James gave them an odd look, then brought his attention to the commentator of the match, a fifth year called Mike from Gryffindor.

"_Ladies and Gentleman_!" Mike called loudly as his voice was magnified, oddly sounding like an announcer in a wrestling match. "The sun is shining, and the girls are smiling!" Mike sang, winking openly at Professor McGonagall who wasn't that far away.

"That's enough Harrington!" she told him off.

"Sorry, Professor, I couldn't help myself," Mike admitted, and the crowds of students laughed merrily. James and the others listened as Mike announced the Slytherin players walking on the pitch.

"Malfoy...Bates...Andrews..." Mike said unenthusiastically. The Gryffindors booed menacingly.

"You suck!" A voice was hard from a Gryffindor. Funnily enough, from Mike the commentator. Professor McGonagall glared at him as he laughed nervously. "I mean- the Slytherins, not your most honest players but still good lads...good lads..." Mike lied. "And here's the Gryffindor team, Taylor...Merrings...Davies...Dawkins...Black, and also the substitute Ethan Peters, a third year who is looking extremely on edge, might I add, he must be for filling in James Potter's position today. I have sources telling me that James Potter dropped out of the game because of relationship problems with Lily Evans."

"Watch it, Harrington!" Lily and James shouted at him from across the stand. He smiled casually, waving his hand in response.

"Such an odd couple. Anyway, there's the captain Jonathan. Looking very determined to win this match. Scarily determined. He's a nutter, that one is-"

"Keep personal opinions to yourself, Harrington," Professor McGonagall warned him again.

"I know you love me really, Minerva!" He focused back to the game. "And what do we have here? It looks like action has already started on the pitch before the game has even begun!" Mike said with amazement.

James, Remus, Peter, and Lily, watched with amusement as they saw the beater, Rachel, holding her bat and swinging it harshly at Sirius with anger on the quidditch pitch below. Sirius was screaming as he tried hiding behind Jade who did not look pleased at being used as a shield and was trying to move left and right so Rachel could aim at him. However, Sirius moved exactly the same moves behind her.

"And Davies swings to the left, but Black ducks and she misses! And she swings to the right, Black hides behind Dawkins, Dawkins pushes him and Black is _doooown_!" Mike commented, as Sirius was pushed to the floor. The crowd making theatrical "oooh" and "ahhh''s. "Black rolls! Black keeps rolling! And Black rolls into an unhappy quidditch captain. Jonathan does not looked amused."

The Slytherin team watched in confusion as the Gryffindor team was in chaos. James watched the apprehensive Ethan Peters who would be playing him instead for the chaser position.

"I can't believe that guy is filling in me for me. He looks a nervous wreck," James said, watching the small boy who was looking at the Slytherins who laughed at him pathetically. Rhys Taylor, one of the Gryffindor chasers, stood next to him supportively, scowling at the Slytherins. Smugly, he turned around, proudly bending over and pulling down his trousers to reveal his arse to the Slytherin team. The Gryffindors cheered triumphantly whilst Madam Hooch blew her whistle furiously, shouting at him that it was unacceptable behaviour, and was also trying to stop Rachel beating Sirius with her quidditch bat, whilst Jonathan was also fuming with anger.

"Well done, Rhys!" James shouted, clapping his hands.

"Well, I must say, seeing Taylor's backside was not exactly a pleasant experience for me. I even noticed a mole on one cheek- only joking Rhys!" Mike said, as Rhys was giving him the finger.

"Wow, I never knew the game could be so exhilarating," Lily said, pleasantly surprised. She cheered along with the girls in the crowd to beat Sirius to a pulp. Sirius looked up the stands, spotting James and the others, and waved.

"No! Sirius! She's behind you!" The boys yelled, again theatrically. Sirius stared back at them puzzled, putting a hand to his ear and shouting back "What?" But he was hit plainly in the back by Rachel's bat as she triumphantly shouted "Score!"

"And what a hit by Davies! I'd say that shot should be awarded ten points to Gryffindor! But I take it from the look Madam Hooch is giving me now, I'm guessing she's telling me that I am merely a commentator who has no power to award points, and also to shut up," Mike said.

"I also agree," Professor McGonagall approved.

"It looks as if the Gryffindor team have finally calmed down and gotten their act together; they're lining up in position to finally start the game. Both captains spitting into their hands and shaking- not a pleasant sight you see every day. I'd advise Jonathan to wash his hand thoroughly after this match," Mike said distastefully. "And...they're off!" he shouted as the whistle was blew and the players zoomed into the sky.

The first half of the match went considerably well, although there were some problems with the Gryffindors teams players.

"Davies! Will you try to hit the bludgers away from our team mates, not at them!" Jonathan yelled at her. She smiled sweetly at him.

"Sure, Jonathan. I apologize," Rachel said, and aimed another bludger with her bat at Sirius' head again. He swerved again as the black ball got dangerously close to removing his face.

"Rachel! Are you trying to kill me?"

"Yes."

Sirius stared back at her, not knowing what to say next. "Well...fair enough, then. Carry on."

"Dawkins passes the quaffle to Taylor-but _oh_! The pass is intercepted by Malfoy! Malfoy to Bates, Bates passes back to Malfoy and-_oh bugger_! Slytherin scores! Bugger bugger bugger!-"

"HARRINGTON!"

"Sorry McGee. The Slytherins score another ten points, now leading 70 to 50," Mike announced moodily.

James cursed at the score, muttering profound insults about Malfoy under his breath. James brightened as he saw Sirius, gliding on his broom casually up to their stand, intending to have a little chat with him because he was bored.

"Hey guys," Sirius said; his back was towards the game, not looking to what was happening in the match.

"Hey, Padfoot. Try and aim that bludger at Malfoy, will you?" James asked.

"Sure, it'll be my pleasure!"

"Shouldn't you get back to the game, Sirius?" Remus reminded him, and noticed a hysterical and raging Jonathan who had spotted him talking to the others in the stands, instead of hitting bludgers away.

"BLACK!" Jonathan screamed. "STOP FLIRTING AND HIT SOME DAMN BLUDGERS!"

"Alright, _alright_! Keep your hair on! I wasn't flirting anyway, merely making conversation!" Sirius defended himself. "Jeez..."

"Padfoot, you should really keep an eye on the game," Remus repeated again, looking at Sirius who didn't seem to be moving anytime soon.

"Hey, what's the rush? I got eyes in the back of my head anyways."

"Do your eyes see a bludger that is aiming at the back of your head?"

Sirius looked at James uncomprehendingly, and quickly ducked as the bludger soared past him, narrowly missing his head.

"I saw that coming," Sirius told them uncertainly, then turned around and flew back into the game.

"Taylor has the quaffle, he dodges Bates, he dodges Andrews, but a bludger is headed his way-_oh_, but Black hits it away! And it seems like the quaffle is aimed in a certain direction-_OUCH_! The bludger has hit Malfoy! I can confirm that Malfoy is in _pain_! Woohoo!" Mike cheered. The Gryffindors clapping and cheered with delight.

"_Yes_!" James yelled as the bludger connected with Malfoy's face, his nose bleeding heavily.

"Wow," Lily said. "I never knew this game could be so..."

"Violent?" Remus finished her sentence. She nodded in reply.

"Malfoy's nose is healed, what a shame! He looks very pisse-I mean, annoyed," Mike corrected himself as Professor McGonagall shook her head angrily. "Gryffindor have the quaffle again. Davies passes to Taylor, Taylor dodges-_wait_! It looks like the Slytherin team seemed to be have their own quaffle of themselves: _Ethan Peters_!"

Lily gasped in horror as she watched the poor, small chaser, Ethan, practically thrown in the air by the manic Malfoy and his Slytherin team mates. Mike was indeed right; they seemed to be having fun and using Ethan as a type of quaffle as they threw the poor boy into the air who was wailing.

"Oh god..." James said, who couldn't believe his eyes. How could have Jonathan replaced with him such a little weakling? James shamefully shook his head, sighing. Madam Hooch blew her whistle again, shouting how she disgusted she was at the Slytherin team's actions and gave two free shots to the Gryffindors.

"Despicable moves there by the Slytherins! Lucius Malfoy, he's a little-" Mike began furiously but saw again Professor 'McGee' fuming. "He's a little ray of sunshine! He is! Oh what a little...er, where was I? Right, both teams are drawing by 70. This is the time the seekers are desperately looking for the snitch.

"This is certainly a close game, folks! Slytherin take possession of the quaffle, Malfoy dodges Taylor, passes to Bates and-_wait a second_, _what on earth_ is going on with those bludgers?" Mike asked aloud.

The crowds watched as the bludgers acted peculiarly, both zooming in a straight line -together side by side- towards a particular group standing at a quidditch stand: The group where James, Lily, Remus and Peter, coincidently were sitting at. The four of them watched as the bludgers headed straight towards them.

"What's wrong with those bludgers?" Peter asked, frowning.

"I'm not familiar with the quidditch rules…but I'm pretty sure the bludgers aren't supposed to be flying straight towards us like that."

"They're not," James said, clearly in denial. The bludgers were even closer now; it definitely seemed like their destination was towards them. "Okay, maybe they are!" James shouted, tugging the screaming Lily down to the floor. The bludgers missed them, close to knocking their head's off.

"_What the hell is going on_?" James yelled as the bludger swooped past them.

Students shrieked as the bludgers swooped towards the stand; the black balls seemed to be turning around, trying to hit James and Lily for a second time. It appeared the bludgers were being specific on who they were trying to kill.

"Bludger's only try and attack the quidditch players! Not the crowd!" Remus ducked to the floor. James and Lily immediately dropped again as both the bludgers tried to attack them with a double hit. Sirius flew quickly on his broom up to their quidditch stand, trying to help his friends out who were being attacked by the crazy bludgers.

"God, they really like you don't they!" Sirius spoke dryly as he tried beating the bludgers away from hitting James and Lily. Rachel -also at his side- tried to block the attacks. However, the bludgers that were hit away stopped in mid-air and turned back in the direction towards the couple again.

"Someone must be controlling them!" Remus concluded. James and Lily were about to ponder exactly who would do that but Remus shouted "James!" pointing to behind him.

James quickly turned around using his quidditch reflexes, spotting a bludger that was dangerously zooming towards them and shouted "Watch out!" to Lily. However, Lily wasn't equally blessed with quidditch reflexes, so turned around a lot slower, her eyes widening in shock as the bludger hit her in the stomach and knocked her backwards.

She groaned in pain as the great black ball knocked her off her feet, pushing her backwards over the quidditch stand wall.

"LILY!" James cried loudly as she fell.


	15. An 'Umbridge' moment

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 15**

James was tugged forcefully as Lily fell backwards over the wall of the quidditch stand. His stomach was now desperately hanging over the edge of the wall, his arm stretched out fully as he was holding Lily's hand. For once he was glad his hand was stuck to Lily's, because if it wasn't, he would've witnessed the fall of her body tumbling down to the ground. However, it wasn't any comforting to see Lily hanging frightfully to him as she screamed, her body swaying as James tried to keep himself upright holding Lily's weight _and _also stop himself from falling over the wall and joining her.

"Lily! Hold on!"

Her emerald eyes looked up to him; they were shining, but this wasn't a good thing. Those eyes were panic-stricken, distressed and on the verge of tears. Those eyes were something he _never_ wanted to see again.

"Well, considering my hand is attached to yours, it won't be that hard to hold on, James!"

Her legs were wailing helplessly, unaware on what to do or where to go since there was no stable ground to support them; just endless supplies of air.

"Great, that's great, Lily! Making sarcastic jokes in a life or death situation!" James told her positively.

Meanwhile, in another quidditch stand where the professors were standing at, they watched in horror as they saw the students in such disarray.

"Professor Dumbledore," Professor McGonagall said distraughtly, looking at Dumbledore with confusion. "You must do something!" She pleaded, wondering why the headmaster had not already acted by helping the fifth years. He didn't look at her and simply stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on James and Lily, and also at the bludgers that were still dangerously swerving around.

"Let us wait," he said steadily. Professor McGonagall looked at him with utter bewilderment. "Let's see what the young Mr. Potter can do." But he still held on to his wand tightly in case.

Lily moaned in pain as she clutched her stomach, badly bruised by the bludger. She looked down once again at the ground that seemed to be such a sustained distance away. She instantly started feeling dizzy and sick, which all added up to the amounts of fear and terror she was feeling at that moment.

For the time being, Sirius watched in terror, quickly thinking of a plan to get Lily on his broom. He glided closer to her as she hung limply by James hand.

"Don't worry, Lily!" Sirius shouted. "I'll get you on my broom!"

Lily groaned inwardly; she never liked brooms, but if that was the only way of saving her from suspending in the atmosphere, so be it.

Sirius flew across to her but suddenly the bludgers appeared again, this time not attacking Lily or James, but Sirius, or anyone else who would even try and get near to Lily as she swung helplessly in the air. Sirius yelped the minute he tried to get close to Lily, where the bludgers had turned berserk and attacked him.

"Sirius, get back!" James told him. Making the bludgers even more brutish was not helping. "Just hang on, Lily!" Suddenly, a brunette haired and fear-stricken girl had appeared at James' side. "Anna!" He greeted her, confused at her presence. This wasn't one of the most beneficial times to talk.

"Do something, you idiot!" Anna yelled at James, leaning over the edge of the wall to look at her best friend. "Lily! Are you okay?" She called down to her. Lily replied with an indignant look, breathing heavily and trying to comprehend why her companion even asked that stupid question.

"Oh! I'm just fine and dandy!" Lily shouted back, hysterically sarcastic.

"Oh yeah, Lily wanted me to explain to you about what happened in the common room," James remembered, facing Anna and going into a great detailed conversation, much to Lily's annoyance. "Well, ya see, what happened was that-"

"JAMES! Not a good time!"

Lily was pleased that James was telling Anna the misunderstanding, she was _not _so pleased that it was at one of the most inappropriate times.

"But I thought you-" James began to argue.

"LATER!" Lily shouted. "This is not a great time to be-_Aaaaaah_!" Lily stopped in mid sentence, shrieking as one of the bludgers attacked her again, after giving up trying to beat Sirius to death. Lily quickly lunged to her left, and the bludger missed her, instead pounding into the quidditch stand wall.

"LILY! Crap! Are you okay!" James yelled.

She swung mercifully back and forth, clutching her stomach that was in worsened pain.

"James, quick, do something," Remus said anxiously, pulling on his arm.

"Me? Why me? Who put me in charge!" James said indecorously.

Remus merely shrugged in return. Nobody else seemed to be taking control of the situation; Remus nor Anna were confident, Sirius was busy shrieking as bludgers chased him, and Peter, well, he was too busy trembling as he whimpered on the floor, petrified by the bludgers. As James pondered on who else could help, another one of Lily's screams as the bludgers nearly dangerously amputated her legs away from her body, snapped him to his senses.

"Alright!" James told himself. He watched the swerving bludgers and promptly tugged his wand from the back pocket of his jeans and aimed it strongly at one of the great black balls as he quickly thought of a spell.

"_Finite Incantatum_!" He bellowed angrily, pointing his wand. His aiming had been accurate as the bludger exploded into minuscule pieces, erupting like fireworks with sparks flying to the ground.

"What I wouldn't give for that bludger to be Malfoy's head," James muttered to himself, then aimed at the other bludger, bellowing the same spell as before and the black ball was destroyed in the same way. "Lily, I'm gonna pull you up!"

He tugged with all his strength as dragged the girl up and over the quidditch stand wall, straining at how heavy Lily was even though she looked as light as a feather. He finally pulled her over the wall and Lily collapsing into his arms. Clearly James thought that any second now she would be pushing him away, calling him profound insults, mostly likely a pervert.

However, she didn't. He was shocked when she had weakly fallen onto him, her head resting on his shoulder, her arm around his back and her hand tugging tightly at the back of his jumper; holding onto him for dear life, as if she was still hanging in the air. He was also shocked when he found himself holding Lily in return, his arm around her as he soothingly stroked her back.

_That's more like it! _Sirius thought joyfully, noticing how close the two were.

"Is it wrong if I'm turned on by this?" Sirius whispered to Remus, as he hovered on his broom, watching as Lily and James were clung to each other. Remus looked back at him expressionless and then answered, "Very".

"Hey, you're fine now, you're okay," James whispered to Lily, rubbing her back, "You're safe." Her heavy breathing and whimpering broke him.

James knew that hundreds of eyes were on him; students gaping at what had just happened and the quidditch players hovering in the air. Lily slowly pulled away from him, holding on the quidditch stand wall as she felt herself stumble, wincing as her stomach ached uncontrollably.

"Let's get you down to the hospital wing," James said.

Lily stared back at him, oddly curious, wondering why he was being so caring, then frailly nodded back. Remus, Peter, and Sirius from his broom, watched as James supportively helped Lily walk as they made their way out of the quidditch stand. As the two toddled, a sympathetic Anna was about to make her way and follow them: this was not good news to Sirius.

_No, dammit! Anna can't follow them! _Sirius screamed in his mind_. Because then they won't be on their own and they have to be their own so they can get closer, and then they'll get married and I'll be their best man and they'll name their kids after me! But that cannot happen if she follows them!_ he concluded.

Sirius quickly flew on his broom to the quidditch player Jade, who was clutching the quaffle in her hands as she was wavering on her broom stick. He took the quaffle from her palms, zooming off quickly before she could understand what had just happened.

"Oi! Tit head! What are you doing?" Jade shouted after him.

Sirius ignored her, then flew back to the quidditch stand where Remus and Peter were at. James and Lily had exited the stand and unfortunately Anna was about to trail after them.

"Hey, Anna! Think fast!" Sirius yelled to her, flinching as he forcefully threw the quaffle in her direction: directly at her face. His plan to knock her out had worked as she turned at the sound of his voice and the quaffle smacked her in the head. She promptly blacked out, luckily falling back into Remus' arms who was behind her.

"Sirius! What the hell did you do that for?" Remus said indecorously, struggling to hold the passed out Anna by the stomach. He did not see Sirius' purpose of walloping Lily's friend with a quidditch ball and hedidn't think there would be an intelligent reason behind it.

"Because I am a dear friend and also a genius."

Remus laughed heartily at him, thinking Sirius was joking.

"No, seriously, why?" Remus asked again.

"Ha ha," Sirius said dryly, then thought of a reason which would satisfy his friend and would sound believable to him.

"Anna was going to follow James and Lily, and I know they would need some time alone."

Remus sighed back tiredly.

"Why didn't you just explain that to Anna? She probably would have understood."

Sirius looked back at him blankly.

"Because...my idea was better!" Sirius said lamely. "And, plus, I act on instincts, not on thoughts." He quickly retraced back to what he said and realised those words might not have made him look the brightest pea in the pod.

"I have to agree with you there, Padfoot," Remus said, patting him on the shoulder. He turned to the last marauder and sighed tiredly. "Not _again_, Wormtail," he complained, looking at Peter who was passed out on the floor, probably out of fear and shock of the bludgers. Sirius openly held two fingers to his nose to block out the profound smell. Remus was moaning in particular at the large wet patch around Peter's crotch and the puddle that was next to it.

"I'll give you five galleons if you scoop up Peter's pee and make Snivellus drink it?" Sirius asked Remus excitedly. Remus rolled his eyes in response as he began to drag the unconscious Anna away to the hospital wing.

"C'mon, Moony! Five galleons! Alright, ten galleons then!"

-----------------------

James and Lily had finally made it to the Hospital Wing, but in complete silence, except for the fast breathing of Lily and her moans of pain. James kept glancing worried looks at Lily; he'd never seen her like this before. The only side he'd really seen of her was of anger, mostly when James annoyed her to such an extent that her face turned as red as her hair. At this moment, Lily's face was the complete opposite, a ghostly white.

James pushed open the door to the Hospital Wing and was startled to see Madam Pomfrey directly behind the door, hands on her hips and a frown on her lips.

"Dumbledore?" Madam Pomfrey said inquisitively, looking at James with his grey, long beard and moustache. James would've thought that his brown hair on top of his head would of been a dead give away that he was not Albus Dumbledore. Maybe Madam Pomfrey thought Dumbledore unexpectedly dyed his hair to make him look a hundred years younger?

"No, it's me, Madam Pomfrey." James said smoothly, flashing his winning smile. Lily scoffed but this only turned into violent coughing.

"Not you, Mr. Potter," she said unenthusiastically, recognising him. "Back _again_!"

James was slightly affronted at her greeting.

"Do you realise there are already _three_ students in this hospital wing because of _you_!"

"Only three?" James said disappointedly.

Madam Pomfrey glared at him.

"I've got Miss Isabel Francis here, covered in boils because apparently you used a Furnuculus charm on her!"

James and Lily looked to a bed to their left where Isabel was asleep in bed, dishevelled hair and smeared make-up with boils not as big as before, but still noticeable. This slightly lifted Lily's spirits at the sight of Isabel looking hideous.

"It was self defence," James argued.

"Mr. Geoff Rees is also here because he has been thoroughly traumatised by a particular meat," Madam Pomfrey said icily. James acted surprised, dramatically holding a hand to his chest in horror.

"Poor bloke. What meat?" he asked.

"_Bacon_."

James pursed his lips, trying not to laugh hysterically. James and Lily looked to a bed to their right where Geoff was upright, rocking back and forth as he clutched his bed sheets.

"Bacon...beware...the voices…" Geoff muttered to himself.

"Oh, really? How peculiar." James faced Madam Pomfrey once more.

"Yes, very peculiar, Mr. Potter. So peculiar that you must have had something to do with it."

James was about to object but Madam Pomfrey carried on. "And finally, I have Mr. Snape here recovering from his buttocks sent on fire."

They looked to a bed in the far corner where Snape was sleeping on his front, his bum positioned upwards as if he were awaiting somebody to smack it. James immediately sniggered; Lily would've laughed along but any type of laughter caused pain in her stomach.

"I do not want a repeat of this, Mr. Potter! You're irresponsible and childish 'pranks' are-"

"Madam Pomfrey, please," James interrupted, much to her displeasure. "I would really love to listen to your shouting at how much a little, annoying berk I am," Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrows. "But Lily next to me, is in a lot of pain because she's been hit by a bludger, and I thought healing her would be more important right now." Madam Pomfrey had been busy narrowing her eyes at James but eventually turned to Lily by his side, who was bent over, clutching her stomach.

"Oh, Miss Evans! I'm so sorry!" She apologized shamefully, just noticing the girl. She helped Lily over to a bed whilst James followed.

Lily slowly laid on the bed as James sat in a chair next to her. Madam Pomfrey lifted her shirt up to examine her stomach.

"Ow...James...look away...you perve..." Lily wheezed sorely. James smiled and looked away; the fact that Lily was calling him a pervert meant that she must've recovered from shock.

"That's a powerful hit by that bludger. I never knew you played quidditch, Miss. Evans."

"I...don't..." Lily said rasped.

Madam Pomfrey looked at her with confusion.

"The bludger went crazy and hit her," James explained instead for Lily, and Lily nodded gratefully.

"That is rather strange," the witch admitted, "Well, all I can give you is a potion to reduce the pain and severe bruising. You look like you need the rest so I suggest you sleep here."

Lily objected at the resting part of her sentence.

"No...Madam Pomfrey, I don't need...any sleep-" she started.

"_You will rest_," she said firmly.

Lily cowered. "Okay," she squeaked. Madam Pomfrey smiled, went to a cupboard to obtain a potion and handed it to Lily.

"Please don't spit out the potion as Mr. Potter did," she said, shooting James a scowl.

Lily drunk down the potion, grimacing the taste and not coughing up the contents as James had done.

"I'll be in my office, I suggest you get some sleep," Madam Pomfrey told her, and Lily nodded obediently. It seemed more of a threat that if she wasn't asleep by the time she came out then she would be suffocated. First, before returning to her office, Madam Pomfrey first gave a sleeping potion to Geoff, forcing him to sleep so he would stop his incoherent mumblings and conversations to himself about how the 'pigs will strangle him with their bacon' and repetitive questions asked to Madam Pomfrey if she 'heard the voices?" Once the witch finally left, this placed James and Lily in silence. Lily closed her eyes, intending to sleep, but James didn't like stillness.

"Are you okay?" he asked her worriedly. Lily rolled her eyes in her painful state, why did people always ask that question when the most obvious answer was no?

"Stomach...pain...hurts..." she mumbled. James nodded in understanding.

"You're still shaking," he pointed out. He touched her arm and she notably relaxed at his touch. Reddening, he embarrassingly detracted his hand.

"You have...an annoying habit...of saving me…" Lily strained a smile. "Thanks," she whispered appreciatively.

"Hey, I couldn't of let you fall, could I? Who would be there to point out how arrogant and pig-headed I am?" he joked. Lily chuckled which caused pain.

"Don't tell…bad jokes…You're not so bad, James Potter." Her eyelids slowly drooped down as she drifted off to sleep.

"You're not so bad either, Lily Evans," James murmured back, then laid his head down on the bed, sleeping at her side.

----------------

Lily's eyes slowly opened, her dry and thirsty throat stirred her awake. She reached out for a glass of water that was placed on a side table and drank it. Her attention was quickly set upon the sleeping James who's head was leaning uncomfortably on the bed as he sat in his chair.

"James?" She whispered, nudging him in the shoulder. "James? Oi, gramps, wake up." Lily pulled on his beard to get a faster reaction. He woke up abruptly, hair even messier then before and was looking at her with confused anxiety.

"Huh? What's happened? Are you okay?" he asked hurriedly.

"I'm fine, James," she reassured him, looking at him oddly to why he was so worried. "You shouldn't sleep like that, you'll get a bad back," Lily told him, the pain in her stomach lessened.

"I'm fine," James reassured her. He stretched and his back made a definite loud 'crunch'. " Or maybe not..."

Lily felt guilty, thinking of an idea that could solve his back problems but would be hard for her to propose to him.

"Um, you could sleep with me?" She blurted out, then pressed a hand to her mouth in horror at what she'd just said. "Oh God, I didn't mean it like that!" Lily told him, as James appeared taken aback. "I meant that I could move up and you can sleep on the bed next to me," she explained quickly, heating in the face.

James looked at her peculiarly; it wasn't everyday a girl asked to come sleep in their bed. Okay, so maybe he did get some offers by some extremely slutty girls, but he never took them up.

"Are you sure?"

"Just do it before I change my mind," Lily said. "And no funny stuff," she added in case.

She moved her body to the left edge of the bed so there was space next to her, and lifted the blanket so he could climb in. He slowly laid on the bed, both their heads resting on the one pillow, both noticing that the bed wasn't as big as they'd hoped as their bodies were practically touching. Together, they laughed nervously and tried shifting slightly to get more comfortable. Lily stopped when she felt something touch her leg under the covers.

"Did you just feel my leg?" Lily demanded.

"I think it was my beard," James replied uneasily.

"Oh."

They looked at each other, pursing their lips, but this only lasted a few seconds until they started laughing at the situation, tenseness disappeared.

"You realise how bad this will look to Madam Pomfrey?" James pointed out, a smile creeping on his lips.

Lily yawned, tiredly rubbing her eyes.

"Too tired to care..." she muttered, then drifted back to sleep, unaware her head had moved contentedly to leaning on James' shoulder.

-----------

"Padfoot, explain to me again, what we are doing with this Veritaserum?" Remus asked for the hundredth time.

Sirius and Remus were dragging the unconscious Peter and Anna to the hospital wing, but had first made a stop at Professor Mansell's classroom where Sirius had sneakily stolen some Veritaserum from the professor's private stores, unseen under the invisibility cloak. Sirius clambered along, still in his quidditch uniform, sighing tiredly as he explained his 'mastermind' plan again.

"We make Prongs drink the pumpkin juice with the Veritaserum, then ask him questions about him and Lily," Sirius said in simple terms.

"Haven't they suffered enough?" Remus asked, feeling slightly guilty for all the events that had happened to the unlucky two. Sirius laughed in response, Remus took this as a definite no. "Can't we just ask James without the Veritaserum?" Remus pleaded.

"No, Moony! You know Prongs is a little bugger who will lie his arse off. Only children and fools tell the truth."

"But James is both of those things. A childish fool," Remus pointed out.

"Well, _yes_, but still, we'll make him drink it just to be on the safe side."

-------------

James _had _been slumbering until he was roughly poked in the face. He slowly opened his eyes and was greeted with, funnily enough, another pair of eyes; dark, gleaming eyes. Waking up to a pair of staring eyeballs isn't the most consoling thing in the world, so James was about to yelp in surprise, but a hand was clamped over his mouth before he could make a sound. Before he was about to struggle and punch whoever the unfamiliar person who seemed to be threatening to smother him in his sleep, he recognised the person to actually be a familiar human being.

"_Padfoot_! Bloody hell!" James swore as Sirius stepped back, while Remus stood by his side of the bed with an apologetic look.

"Shhh," Sirius pressed a finger to his lips. "You don't want to wake up Lily, do you?" He raised his brow.

James turned his head to see Lily stirring in her asleep, resting her head on his shoulder. James face his friends with reddening cheeks, slightly sitting himself up whilst trying not to wake the asleep girl. He felt a hand to his chin, noticing that no hair was attached to it.

"Hey, my beards gone," James said, happily caressing his now bald and naked face. He had to admit, he kind of missed his grey hair extension, only because it was a handy strangling device.

"Smooth as a nifflers bottom," Sirius commented as he lightly patted James chin. James hit his hand away and rolled his eyes as Sirius decided to take a stroll around the wing and examine the patients. He glanced around to see the room in darkness except for the glinting of the candlelight, figuring it must now be late at night. As he looked around the room, two beds caught his eye. They were empty earlier but were now occupied to add along with the group of strange and ill people in the wing.

"Is that Peter?" James asked, noticing his sleeping friend in the bed, with his trousers laid out on the bed to dry.

"Yes. He passed out and wet himself," Remus answered sadly.

"_Again_?" James shook his head. "He should really see someone about that..." He looked to the bed beside him where Anna was asleep with a bandaged nose.

"What the hell happened to her?" James asked.

"Sirius decided to hit her. With a quaffle."

"I had my reasons!" Sirius argued from across the room. James gave him a tired look, deciding not to ask what the explanation to clobbering Lily's friend would be. He would simply be satisfied when Anna woke up and painfully stuff a quaffle up his arse.

"Speaking of quaffles, what about the match? Who won?" James asked curiously. He sincerely hoped the Gryffindors had won by a landslide victory. James knew the only explanation of the Slytherins ever winning would be because they cheated.

"It was cancelled because of the bludgers," Remus explained. "Who do you think was controlling them?"

"I bet it was Malfoy," James said icily. Remus rolled his eyes; James blamed all his problems on Lucius Malfoy… most of them were by him, but there were rare occasional times when Malfoy was innocent.

"It couldn't have been him. He was playing quidditch," Remus recapped.

James let out a sound of disappointment, but still kept his feelings that Malfoy had been behind it.

"He probably paid someone to control them," James said hastily. "I don't care if he wasn't behind it, I'll blame him anyway. He nearly killed Lily. Twisted git."

Remus replied with a sympathetic expression, then suddenly realised the other marauder's absence.

"Padfoot, what are you doing over there?" Remus asked suspiciously as Sirius hunched over a person in a bed in the far corner.

"Nothing!" Sirius said cheerfully, skipping back over to James' bed.

"How did you guys get in here anyway?" James asked. "Normally Madam Pomfrey won't let any visitors come in this late."

"Oh, don't worry about her," Sirius reassured him. "We locked her in her office."

James gawked.

"You _locked _her in her office!" James whispered furiously, so not to wake the red head beside him. Sirius grinned, nodding.

"Correction. Sirius locked her office door. I watched," Remus rectified.

"It was _your _idea, Moony."

"_Yes_, but I was joking."

"Did you guys bring me any food?" James asked, changing the subject.

Sirius beamed, nodding as he emptied his pockets.

James anticipated greatly, expecting chocolate and sweets to satisfy his growling stomach. He grimaced when Sirius revealed the contents of his trouser compartments.

"Lets see..." Sirius mumbled as he dug a hand deeply in one pocket. "A sausage...some sprouts..." he listed, throwing the sausage and horrid, green vegetables onto James bed sheet. "A potato...a chicken leg..." He looked at the chicken leg, licking his lips and tempted to eat it himself. "Some peas...and, I don't know what the hell that is." Sirius finished as he placed the handful of pea's on James lap, along with a brown unrecognisable, round-ish type of food. James dreaded to think what that was or had been.

"Sirius, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but this food has got bits of hairs and dirt on it from your pockets. And I shudder to think what's been in those pockets. Or in fact, in your trousers and-did that brown thing just move?" James asked, staring at the brown blob.

"Sorry, I was in a rush in the kitchens," Sirius explained. "So you're not going to eat anything?"

"I think I'll pass."

"Suit yourself," Sirius said, scooping the random food back into his pockets, but picked up the chicken leg and bit into ravenously in front of James and Remus. The boys stared at Sirius as he bit hungrily into the chicken leg and let out a loud burp once he'd finished. Sirius wiped his hands on the bed sheets, much to James' disgust.

"Fingers were made before forks. So, are you thirsty, Prongs?" Sirius launched into the plan of making James drink the pumpkin juice that was not tampered with in any way. Except for the fact that it had Veritaserum in it.

"Not particularly."

"Are you thirsty, Moony? I'm thirsty. Let's all have a drink!" Sirius said, handing a cup to the agitated Remus.

"No thanks, Padfoot-" James started, but was startled when a cup of juice was stuffed forcefully into his hand. Remus let out a nervous laugh.

"No, Padfoot, that's not James' drink!" Remus said, widening his eyes at Sirius' mistake. Sirius had dumbly handed James the cup _without _the Veritaserum in it. "This is your drink." Remus swapped Sirius' and James' cups around. James looked back at them suspiciously; Sirius grinned a wide smile whilst Remus anxiously chewed on his tongue.

"Alright, what have you done to it?"

"You nearly drank Sirius drink which had firewhiskey in it. I thought you'd want to have a break of the alcohol so swapped the drinks around," Remus lied.

"Oh, okay, thanks," James said gratefully, thinking that his friend wouldn't _ever _lie to him, except for Sirius, who lied _constantly_.

"Cheers!" Sirius said happily, as the boys knocked their cups together in a boyish manner. Sirius and Remus watched as James took a generous gulp of the meddled pumpkin juice, his face slacking and eyes suddenly looking faraway.

"So, Prongsie," Sirius began, beginning the interrogation, Subject: Lily Evans. "Have you ever had any sexual fantasies about Lily?-"

"Padfoot, I thought we agreed we weren't going to ask him that," Remus cut in, annoyed, but stopped when James answered.

"_Yes._"

James clamped a hand over mouth, horrified at his revelation as a staggered Remus and ecstatic Sirius stared at him. "Oh God, I have no idea where that came from..." James murmured, confused, and tried hiding behind his cup under the boys gaze by drinking another gulp of the juice. This was good news to his friends; the more he drank the better.

"Would you like to describe the fantasies-"

"That's enough of that question, Padfoot," Remus butted in, looking at James oddly whose eyes were flickering and twitching.

"Fine," Sirius said, then commenced to his second question. "Do you fancy Lily?"

James let out a lustful groan back.

"Hell yeah. She's so hot she melts walls."

Again, he looked abruptly shocked at the words that had come out of his mouth, while Remus and Sirius chuckled amusedly at him as he revealed his desires. James uneasily rubbed a hand through his hair in embarrassment and confusion.

Remus asked a question which he thought was more significant and hoped the answer would be more in depth. Remus questioned before Sirius would ask his questions he mentioned earlier to Remus, one to do of wet dreams and the other based on the words of 'which part of Lily turns you on the most?'

"Prongs, what were you feeling when Lily fell over the quidditch stand wall and as you held her hand?"

Sirius made an impressed at Remus' question.

James' gaze unfocused. "Petrified," he answered, expressionless.

Remus and Sirius, had until now had been having fun and all thought the Veritaserum trick had been a laugh. The news of James' fear had made their smiles instantly disappear from their faces.

"Frightened. Afraid I was going to lose her. I don't want to lose her," he carried on robotically, turning his head to look at Lily who was sleeping peacefully obliviously. "Her green eyes. So terrifying. Shining, shining with fear." They watched dejectedly as James winced, as if remembering her eyes were so painful to him.

"I told you this was stupid idea," Sirius blamed Remus. "There's just something in my eye..." He said hastily as he rubbed the corner of his eyes, sniffing noisily.

"This was your idea, Padfoot," Remus reminded him, though with a sad tone.

James was thoroughly mystified, not knowing where any of these emotions were coming from.

"What the-….but-….why-….huh?" James fumbled, then a realisation came to him as he stared at his cup of pumpkin juice in his hand. "_You turds_!" he whispered furiously at them.

"Civility costs nothing, you know," Sirius commentated.

"This is Veritaserum , isn't it! You sneaky sons of a-" James started, as he was about to make his way out of the bed and give Sirius and Remus a beating, but Lily's murmur of stirring made him halt. He couldn't move or Lily would awake. Their beating would have to be later.

James remembered back to his spoken words by the potion forcing him to tell the truth.

"No...no it can't be Veritaserum ." James murmured in denial. "That would mean I like Lily-"

"Which you do. Truth is stranger then fiction, my friend," Sirius finished.

"I do, don't I…." James spoke aloud, finally agreeing to his feelings. "Oh, God...I love my enemy."

"But she's not your enemy, your friends now, remember?" Remus reminded him.

"The course of true love never did run smoothly," Sirius said effortlessly. James and Remus gave him blank looks. "Fine words butter no parsnips."

"What? Why are you rambling on about parsnips?" James asked.

Sirius patted him on the shoulder that Lily was currently not leaning on. "The bread never falls but on its buttered side." Still, James looked at him with bemusement. "Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs."

"What the hell? My grandmother died three years ago, remember?" James reminded him.

"Oh yeah, sorry," Sirius apologized. James looked at Sirius sceptically, then came to his own conclusion what Sirius' rambling was due to.

"Moony," James began jadedly. "You've been letting him read your books again, haven't you?" he accused.

Remus looked back at him guiltily. "Just the one," he argued. "It's intellectually challenging for him. It broadens his mind."

"What book was it? 'The guide to talking crap'? Because I must say, he must of read that book previously because he's already mastered that art."

"Oi!" Sirius exploded as James and Remus smiled in unison. "I'll have you know that it was a book of proverbs. I learnt some which I could use naturally in polite conversation."

James and Remus snorted.

"The only time the words 'Sirius' and 'polite' come up in a sentence is when it reads 'Sirius is never polite'," James concluded.

"I don't think you used those proverbs 'naturally' as they made no sense in the 'polite' conversation we just had," Remus pointed out. Silently James and Remus laughed as Sirius sulked.

"Brevity is the soul of wit, so I will be brief. You like Lily, so tell her," Sirius advised James.

"But this _isn't _supposed to happen..." James mumbled, looking at the boys with confusion. "Me and Lily...I'm not supposed to feel this way about...I'm not supposed to..._fall _for her." Oddly, he found himself staring at Lily and softly moved a strand of red hair that was covering her eyelids.

Sirius and Remus were about to speak but there was sound of a twisting doorknob as a furious Madam Pomfrey tried opening her office door.

"What on earth is going on? Why is this door locked?" Madam Pomfrey said crossly, pressing her body against the door, completely furious that it was not opening.

"Uh oh," Sirius whispered.

"We'll see you tomorrow morning," Remus murmured to James. He dragged Sirius by the neck and pulled him swiftly towards the exit.

"You and Lily have a nice sleep now. Remember, no shagging in the hospital wing," Sirius said cheekily as James threw a couple peas at him that was left on his bed sheet. "And no feeling her up under the covers!"

"Get out, Padfoot!" James said hurriedly, closing his eyes at the exact time Madam Pomfrey pushed open the door, so not to look suspicious. James listened whilst his eyes were closed of the sound of the triumphant witch as she opened the door, and also her disappointment as she found the wing empty.

"Trespassers," Madam Pomfrey muttered, walking into the middle of the room and finding a chicken leg bone discarded on the floor. She looked at it in horror, picked it up and sniffed with revulsion.

"Mr. Black..." she whispered threateningly.

James grimaced at the sound of Sirius' name.


	16. Rachels revenge and Pete

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 16**

Lily stirred awake as she distinctly heard the sound of the hospital wing doors open. She squinted her eyes in the darkness; some stupid fool had blown out all the candles. Suspiciously, she kept her eyes shut, listening to the sound of a persons footsteps creep over to her bedside. She determinedly breathed as normal as possible, trying to look as if she were sleeping and unaware of their presence. She shuddered when she heard the sound of the persons evil, manic and shrill snicker. She dared not open her eyes.

After a minute, the persons steps backed away from the bed and walked towards the exit of the wing. She forced her eyes opened, only seeing a glimpse of their shadow as they left.

"James!" Lily whispered quickly as she sat up, poking a finger deeply into his cheek.

"Nguhh," James mumbled unrecognisably as the pointed finger prodded the side of his face. She noticed James' beard was gone which was great news to her, though she would miss calling him 'gramps' or 'old pensioner Potter'.

"James, please wake up," Lily pleaded.

He opened his eyes, sitting up in the bed and rubbing his eyes as he met with the darkness of the room. Slothfully, he reached for his wand from his pocket and muttered 'Lumos' so he could see the girl who'd been jabbing holes in his face. He looked anxiously at the confused and scared girl.

"What's up?"

Lily looked again at the double doors where the stranger had left moments ago.

"I dunno," Lily murmured. "It was freaky. Someone just came over to the bed and left." She frowned, disturbed by what had happened.

"Did you see their face?" James asked her, wanting to pound the person to a pulp who had been spying at Lily in her bed.

"No..." She answered quietly. She shuddered again, feeling thirsty she picked up a full glass of water that had been placed on the bedside table next to her.

James watched the on edge Lily, then turned his gaze curiously to the water that she was about to drink; the water that seemed to be bubbling as he watched it. James wasn't exactly a fan of water and didn't drink much of it; he drank more of the alcohol kind, but he knew that water did not bubble like that.

As Lily was about to tip the glass into her mouth, James knocked the glass out of her hand. The glass flew high in the air, and the liquid sprayed as the glass landed noisily on the floor. Lily narrowed her eyes.

"Why'd you do that for? Have you got some sort of obsession with knocking drinks out of my hand?" She said, referring to James smacking a cup of coffee out of her hand that morning.

James didn't answer her and stared intently at the liquid that had been spilled on the floor. Lily followed his gaze as she heard a sizzling sound. She gasped when she saw the spilled 'water' that was bubbling as it seemed to be eating the floor. The patch of ground the liquid was spilled on had suddenly been eroded and worn away, now left with a large, devoured hole.

"Woah..." Lily whispered, turning pale. "…Poison?"

"That could've been your mouth," James said dreadfully.

Lily gulped, taking his answer to be a yes. "I don't understand all of this. First I nearly get killed by a bludger, and now someone's trying to venom my drinks? Is it just me, or is someone trying to tell me they don't like me living at all?"

"They seemed to be really determined to hurt you," James pointed out the obvious.

"But why?" Lily asked. A realisation came to James.

"To get to me…"

Lily looked at him oddly as he shamefully looked down with guilt.

"I still don't understand. Why would they hurt me to get to you? It's not as if I mean anything to you," Lily said hastily. James looked at her with surprise.

"What are you talking about? Of course you mean-" James stopped in mid sentence when a raging Madam Pomfrey exited her office, eyes bulging as she saw the two fifth years awake. The witch had an absurd strict rule of her patients to be sleeping at _all_ times. Even if they've had an eternal sleep, she was still not satisfied.

"What are you two doing up at these hours?"

The two looked sheepishly back at her.

"Sorry, Madam Pomfrey," they apologized monotonously. The woman marched over to their bed in a dignified manner, but her walk was interrupted by her undignified stumble over the hole made by Lily's venomous drink. James tried to stifle a laugh as he watched her curse loudly.

"Mister Potter! Have you been damaging my hospital wing floor?" Madam Pomfrey accused indignantly as she scowled at the small crater. Lily was about to defend James and tell her that it was actually due to her poisoned drink, but he had already spoken.

"Yeah, sure, it was me," he lied, obviously not wanting to explain to Madam Pomfrey about the drink. For some reason, he just didn't want any adults involved. The woman shook her head disappointedly.

"I think you two need a sleeping potion," she decided, bringing out two of the potions from her cabinet and pouring in to glasses. The two immediately groaned in protest.

"No, Madam Pomfrey-" Lily began to argue but a cup of the potion was stuffed forcefully in her hand, indicating she had no choice. The witch swiftly handed a cup to the displeased James; he _did not _want an instant dreamless sleep. He _wanted _to spend an hour or two staring up at the hospital wing's ceiling whist he thought who exactly was hurting the girl he was stuck to, and also plan a million ways of causing the person agonising pain.

Lily peeked at James, remembering the sentence that had been interrupted by Madam Pomfrey's entrance. She had longed to hear the rest of what James had to say.

As Lily was about to ask him, a forced cough was heard from Madam Pomfrey as she looked at the two with her hands on her hips, still waiting for the two to drink their potions. The two fifth years sighed, then gulped down the potions, laying down on the bed as they instantly went into slumber.

---------

"Mr. Potter?…Miss Evans?"

James and Lily were sleeping, but found their surnames were being called, disrupting their rest. As the two slowly opened their eyes in unison, they were hit with sunlight streaming out the windows.

They both shielded their eyes from blindness as they squinted, trying to see who the person who had been calling them; both their eyes widened in shock as Professor Dumbledore stood before them, gleaming eyes with an uncanny Sirius-like grin.

Panicking, James swore inwardly, which was good news to the Gryffindor house because he'd lost many house points by swearing out loud in front of teachers. The reason he was cursing was clearly because he was caught in a single bed, with a _girl_, by the _headmaster_; so he reacted in a calm and rational way to the headmasters sudden appearance. He jumped up, trying to get out of the bed as quickly as possible. This proved to be difficult with his hand attached to Lily and much to their wretched luck, they had somehow got tangled up in the bed sheets. As James tried to struggle off the bed as Lily was looking horrified at the Professor's presence, this only resulted in them both falling off the bed with a loud 'thud'.

"I wonder if I could buy a new back in Hogsmeade..." James mumbled in pain.

"At least we didn't fall on top of each other this time," Lily told him positively, however still groaning in pain as she'd landed ungracefully on her stomach.

"I apologise. I did not intend to startle you both," Dumbledore told the fifth years, currently lying at his feet.

"Professor, I swear," James started as he stood up, helping Lily to her feet. "We weren't like, um, doing anything, ya know."

"No, I'm afraid I do not know." Dumbledore said smiling amusedly. James wondered if someone could possibly die of embarrassment, literally.

"We were just sleeping together," Lily said simply, then smacked a hand to her head again at the words that she'd spoken.

_It sounds fine in my head. How come every word seems to come out wrong from my mouth?_ Lily wondered moodily.

"We were just sleeping, that's all," James said trying to rectify the situation as Lily had given up trying to explain and was smacking her head repeatedly out of stupidity. "As in sleep sleep. Not as in shagging sleep." James jaw dropped, including Lily's, at the word that had slipped naturally out of his mouth.

_Oh no...I did not just say 'shagging' in front of Dumbledore! I did _not_ just say it! This is all some sick dream! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL! _James told himself.

He started clicking his fingers in the air distraughtly, as if at the sound of the clicking would wake him from this horrifying nightmare. The clicking did not work. Instead, Lily and Dumbledore looked at him oddly as he continuously clicked his fingers, not very well.

"Mr. Potter, please. I advise you to stop clicking or talkin," Dumbledore cautioned.

James quickly obeyed, in fear that his fingers maybe cut off.

"Madam Pomfrey has informed me that you are well enough to attend classes, Miss Evans," Dumbledore told Lily. She nodded back silently, afraid to say anymore words that would come out wrong. "I am investigating the behaviour of the bludgers at the quidditch match." Lily's mind drifted back to who could have been controlling them. "Also, thirty house points to Gryffindor for your bravery, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore added, smiling.

James smiled back in response; house points was one good thing that happened after the attempted Lily-killing. Now Gryffindor had minus one hundred and eighty six points, instead of the minus two hundred and sixteen points they currently had. This was due to the Marauders continuous pranking. It had been the first time in Hogwarts where a house had somehow managed to get minus points, which had seemed practically impossible. The news that the marauders had somehow broken a record only pleased James and Sirius more, whilst Remus hid behind his books in shame.

"You should have enough time to go to the great hall for breakfast before your first lesson. I bid you farewell," the headmaster said courteously, leaving the hospital wing.

"Well," James cut the silence, as he and Lily stood side by side. "That was horrifying."

Lily gaped at him. "You said _shagging _in front of Albus Dumbledore."

"Yeah...blame Sirius, that's what I always do," James told her, departing the wing; not before they both stumbled in the hole on the floor that was so noticeable that they both tripped clumsily through it.

James and Lily made their way through the great hall, taking their usual seats at the breakfast table beside a content Remus and a bandaged nosed Anna. Peter was still in the hospital wing recovering from his pants-wetting predicament. Sirius' absence was a mystery to the others.

As Lily sat down, she shot a worried look at her best friend who was stabbing her eggs with a fork, which was now mashed up into something that looked similar to vomit.

"What happened to you?" Lily gazed at Anna's wrapped up nose that looked abnormally larger than it actually was. Even bigger than Snape's, if that was humanly possible.

"Black," Anna said venomously, stabbing her fork into her plate again. "Will," She carried on jabbing the utensil. "Die..." she finished, shooting the fork so strongly into her plate that it tipped over, flinging the eggs across the table at a frightened first year. This disturbance didn't seem to bother Anna as she carried on repeatedly stabbing the table instead.

"How are you feeling, Lily?" Remus asked politely as he looked up from reading the Daily Prophet.

"Someone's trying to kill me," she replied simply, gulping down a spoonful of porridge. Remus looked worriedly from the blank Lily to the depressed James.

"Are you serious?"

"No, I'm Sirius!" Sirius said mightily as he plonked his bottom on the seat across Anna. Remus rolled his eyes; Sirius used this pathetic joke way too much. Sirius took on an unusual grim face as he looked at the group sceptically.

"Alright people. Which one of you stole all my underwear?" he said, crossing his arms with disapprove. At the sound of Sirius' voice, Anna looked up from piercing the table and a hellish fire blazed in her eyes at the his appearance. Sirius was about to ask Anna how she managed to keep her head upright with the weight of that gigantic plastered nose -that could even give Snape a run for his money- but Anna had promptly punched him in the nose, smiling satisfyingly at his cry of pain.

"Owowowowow," Sirius whinged as he pressed his hand to his nose which he felt had surely been knocked off his face.

"Now we're even," Anna said. Sirius somehow felt this had been a very unfair deal.

"Moony, is my nose still on my face? 'Cause I swear it felt like she smacked it all the way to Hosgsmeade." Sirius stuck up his nose in the air for Remus to examine, and Remus sighed tiredly; he was _not_ going to give him another thorough 'doctor examination' like he'd done with his neck, which Sirius had claimed had brought some life threatening disease by the hysteric beard.

"Padfoot, back up a second. Someone stole all your underwear?" James asked disturbed.

"Yes! And I know it was one of you lot, so own up!" Sirius said.

The group snorted in reply. None of them had any desire to steal his underwear and would have no need in the future to steal Sirius' very unmentionables. "Anna, was it you, you dirty girl?" he said cheekily.

"I'd rather gag myself then go anywhere near your underwear draw," Anna scoffed at him. Sirius slightly disheartened at this remark, then looked to the next possible culprits: James and Lily.

"C'mon Lily, I know you were just dying to get in my boxers. So you stole them all, didn't you?" Sirius said smoothly. James glared at Sirius in response for him and Lily.

"We were in the hospital wing," James reminded him.

"Oh yeah..." Sirius said disappointedly, then turned to Remus who had already been expecting his accusation towards him.

"Mooonnny?" Sirius sang.

"Whaaat?"

"Have you got some sort of secret fascination with my underwear so you've stolen them all and hide them under your pillow where you sniff them before you go to sleep which comforts you?" Sirius spoke in one, long winded sentence. This was one of Sirius' many skills, to speak and not stop speaking. _Ever_.

"Padfoot, I only found out until a minute ago that you own more than one pair of underpants," Remus defended himself.

"But, if none of you lot stole my underwear, then who did?"

Sirius' question was quickly answered when suddenly his Christmas boxers had flung out of nowhere and hit him in the face. Sirius started choking as the boxers had somehow flung into his mouth and were stopping him from breathing, and Anna thumped him in the back. The group noticed that her 'helping' by hitting him on the back was a little too strong, and the girl seemed to be enjoying herself way too much as she was still walloping Sirius even when the boxers had exited his mouth and were swimming in his cereal.

"Anna. You can. Stop now," Sirius spoke in between thwacking.

"Just trying to help," Anna said cheerfully. Sirius turned his attention to the direction where the boxers were aimed from, and he was greeted with a smirking Rachel, the Gryffindor beater who was waving to him from down the breakfast table.

"Love the Christmas boxers, Siri!" Rachel yelled. Sirius blushed as everyone's heard turned to look at his undergarments. Sirius figured this was his punishment for telling her secret. Well, he wouldn't damn tell her that it'd been a great prank: no way.

"The joke's on you anyway!" Sirius beamed. Rachel looked back at him with confusion. "I decided to go 'commando' and wear _no_ underwear! And it's quite comfortable actually."

Everyone in the hall groaned and pushed their plates of food away from them as they suddenly didn't feel to have much of an appetite anymore, and maybe even for at least the next two weeks.

"You're _not _wearing any underwear?" Lily said dreadfully, asking for a confirmation. Sirius grinned in reply, then moved his crotch around in his seat to get more comfortable. This only revolted the others.

"Merlin. Horrid mental image. Think of something else. Anything else. Quidditch, yes, quidditch. Broom sticks, quaffle, the snitch..." James blabbered on, trying to distract himself from the scarring picture of Sirius with no underwear that was cropping up in his mind.

"Did I mention I'm wearing your trousers, Prongs?" Sirius revealed.

James gaped at him. "No, but thanks for pointing that out to me," he said grimly.

"My pleasure," Sirius said happily, then returned back to the blonde haired girl who had banished him from wearing no underwear in the first place. "Rachel, what exactly have you done with all my underwear?"

"I burned it all," she answered smoothly.

"YOU BURNED ALL MY UNDERWEAR!" Sirius flipped.

"Only joking," Rachel said, laughing as the pant-less Sirius sighed with relief. "I hid your pants around the school." Sirius frowned at her. "It'll be like a treasure hunt for you…But with pants," she added. Sirius slightly brightened at the sound of a treasure hunt, or to be more specific, a 'pants hunt'. Though, Sirius dreaded to think where his undergarments had been placed around the castle. He turned back to the boys, Lily and Anna, who were chuckling at him.

"How can a girl _that hot _be so damn evil?" Sirius demanded.

"All girls have an evil side to them, Sirius. We're just waiting until you guys piss us off so that side can come out. Violently," Lily explained. Anna nodded along in agreement.

"So, Lily. How are you feeling today?" Sirius asked all of sudden, oddly caring. Lily was surprised by his kindness and was about to answer and explain the poisoned drink that had nearly destroyed her insides, but Sirius had already started speaking again.

"Fine. Cool," Sirius answered for her, and Lily narrowed her eyes as he'd answered for her. "Enough of you anyway, I have something more exciting to show you!" Lily huffed as Sirius started digging into his trousers, which were actually James', looking for the object. He made a sound of triumph as he displayed an empty flask to the others on the table. It seemed like nothing special, and plus, it smelled extremely bad.

"Oh, that reeks!" Lily blocked her nose.

"What exactly was in there?" Remus asked dreadfully as he looked at the empty flask from afar. He mentally prepared himself for the answer to come.

"Peter's pee."

The fifth years, excluding Sirius the 'piss-collector', suddenly jumped up from table away from the flask in utter horror. Lily pressed a hand to her mouth and tried to keep herself from puking on top of a fellow students head. Sirius animatedly jiggled the flask in front of her face.

"Get that thing away from me!" Lily shrieked.

"Knock it off, Sirius!" James said batting his hand away, which unluckily lead to his hand accidentally touching the flask. James screamed, grabbed a cup of water from the breakfast table and tipped it over his hand which he thought was suddenly contaminated. Well, you never know what harmful acids could be in Peter's pee.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Anna asked, covering her mouth.

"Sirius, are you on drugs?" Remus asked seriously, afraid of the poor boys sanity; or lack of. "How did you even get his urine?"

"I didn't drain it from him or anything," Sirius argued. Lily felt herself retching. "Remember he wet himself after the match? I simply scooped it up." The others gaped at him.

"_But why_?" James asked hysterically.

"Pranking purpose only, Prongs," Sirius explained. James slightly calmed at this news. Sirius was a insane, but not completely, although he was on the verge.

"Wait a minute…you didn't?" Remus said, remembering back to the bet he thought Sirius had been joking about.

"Yes, I did." Sirius said triumphantly.

The girls, and James, followed Sirius' and Remus' gaze to a scowling-as-always-Snape who had recovered from the hospital wing and was sitting alone at the Slytherin breakfast table, drinking his pumpkin juice impassively.

"You put it Snape's drink?" James guessed, ecstatically beaming. Sirius simply licked his finger with his tongue, then pressed the finger to his chest making a sizzling sound. They watched as Snape sipped his drink without a care in the world; he'd obviously hadn't noticed the new flavour of pumpkin juice. An eager Sirius and James, and a following disgruntled Lily and Remus, walked over to where Snape was sitting at.

"Hey, Snivellus," Sirius called. The pale faced boy glared at him in return.

"What do you want, Black? To show me your distastefully decorated underpants? Because I'd rather not gaze upon them," Snape remarked. Sirius slightly reddened.

"You know, I knew you liked taking the piss, but not literally," James commented, and watched Snape drink another gulp of his pumpkin juice.

"_Excuse me_?" Snape was rather aggravated by their appearance. "Could you dirty Gryffindors get away from my sight? Especially you, mudblood. You're putting me off my breakfast."

James clenched his fists at the insult of 'mudblood'.

"I can't tell if you're angry or pleased, Snivellus. Maybe its because the lack of eyebrows," Sirius smirked.

The group looked to his greasy head and realised that indeed Snape had no 'furry caterpillars' above his eyes. James and the others instantly started laughing. "It's hard to tell your facial expression," Sirius added.

"That's what you were doing to him in the hospital wing," Remus realised, and Sirius nodded.

"What?" Snape confusedly, and furious. Quickly, he picked up a spoon from the table and gaped at his reflection of his bald forehead.

"Bloody hell, Snivellus. You shouldn't get that much of shock when you look at yourself. I thought you would've gotten used to it by now. I'm surprised that spoon didn't break or fling out of your hand to get away from your ugly face." James remarked, then took on a serious face. "I _swear_, Snape, if you _ever _call Lily that disgusting name ever again, _I'll break every bone in your body_." He warned, tugging Snape forwards by the collar.

"Get your filthy hands off me," Snape snapped.

Lily tried to pull James off Snape, but her problem was solved when an unhappy Professor Mcgonagall had walked swiftly up to the Slytherin table.

"What is going on here?" Mcgonagall demanded, looking at James intently as he released Snape in an instant. Snape had gotten even more annoyed at another Gryffindors presence, even if she was a professor and saved him from getting a hiding. "Get to your lesson first lesson, Mr. Snape."

Snape scowled in response, pushing past the group. Once Snape had left, she looked at James disappointedly.

"Potter, _please_ try not to make me take any more house points away from Gryffindor," Mcgonagall pleaded. "We have how many left?" She asked the Gryffindors.

"Around minus a hundred and eighty six." James remembered Dumbledore had rewarded him points this morning.

"Oh, no we haven't. I got ten took off me on the way here for helping Peeve's with his spit balls at the first years," Sirius explained. Professor Mcgonagall pressed her fingers to the temples of her head.

"Get to class." Mcgonagall whispered furiously. The group backed away and made in to a run as they exited the hall, each of them trying to keep their eyes off Sirius who was running with no underwear underneath: not a pretty sight. James highly hoped that Sirius would not get turned on at any point of today, then realised that Sirius got turned on by anything, possibly even the angry Professor.

--------------

"Let me get this straight; some stranger came into the hospital wing and poisoned your drink?" Anna said slowly.

"Exactly," Lily replied.

The group were now sitting in potions class, chatting as they waited for Professor Mansell to turn up to class. She was unusually late and there were now four marauders as Peter had returned from the Hospital wing. He was purely confused by what had happened and pitifully nobody bothered to explain to him.

"Is it me or does potions seem to be the only class we ever have?" Sirius spoke out loud. The others ignored him.

"Can I borrow your pants, Wormtail?" Sirius asked as he shifted in his seat. Peter looked at him with puzzlement.

"Erm…I'm kind of using them right now," Peter said uncertainly.

"_Peter_! I'll give you a wedgie-"

"Leave him alone, Sirius," Remus butted in.

"So, who do you think is trying to kill you?" Anna asked casually. Lily frowned at her friend, offended at how she'd put the question and how calm it sounded. "I mean, I'll find out and put them on arse-kicking list," she rectified.

"I've got one guess on who it is. Their surname begins with an 'M' and their first name starts with an 'L'," James enlightened, scowling at Malfoy who was laughing as he shot sparks out of his wand at his goons who were dancing stupidly and tap-danced for his entertainment.

"What? You mean Leila Wilson? But she wouldn't hurt-"

"I'm talking about _Malfoy_, Sirius," James sighed. Sirius made an understanding "oooooh".

"James, you can't blame Malfoy for all your problems," Remus said, and winced as James looked infuriated.

"He's behind all my bloody problems!" James argued.

"Remus is right," Lily agreed, "We haven't got any proof. He's innocent."

"Innocent until proven guilty," James said.

Sirius and Remus both noticed the way James was acting and how he was suddenly protective over Lily. Sirius was about tease James hilariously about the veritaserum moment and his true feelings he felt for the red head, but Remus had clamped a hand firmly over his mouth.

"Mhunny, gut uff!" Sirius mumbled. Remus detached his hand as he felt saliva and tongue lick his palm. "What are you trying to do, suffocate me?"

"Wishful thinking..." Remus muttered as he wiped his wet hand on Peter's shirt. "I was just trying to save you from saying something that you will regret, get beaten up and also ruin lives for."

"I was just going to say, that I've already got Malfoy sorted with," Sirius said priggishly.

"What have you done now?" Lily asked, but Sirius could not answer her question as Professor Mansell had swiftly entered the classroom, looking highly wrathful. She slammed the classroom door shut with a furious flick of her wand and strode to the front of class.

"Back to your seats!" She screamed at the students who'd been hovering around the room in their gossiping packs. James and Lily sat on a desk of their own in front of the others.

"I. Am Not. Amused," the professor announced.

"Could've fooled me..." Anna muttered sarcastically, but cowered when the woman glared at her.

"After the quidditch match yesterday, I discovered something simply stupefying," Professor Mansell explained to the class. James and Remus shot a furtive, suspicious look at Sirius who was smiling, slightly manically as the professor spoke. The boys both looked away when Sirius was scratching his crotch, which he thought he was doing in secret.

"I discovered that my _private_ stores had been meddled with. And somebody had _stolen_ a bottle of veritaserum," the professor carried on, cross.

James immediately looked at Remus and Sirius who's heads were hung down low and appeared to be examining the fascinating knots in the wooden desks. Lily peeked a curious look at James who simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I am aware of who that delinquent is," the professor notified. James and Remus who until now been severely on edge, were now casting neurotic, widening eyes at Sirius who still seemed cool as he sat on his stool calmly, even tapping his fingers on the desk with boredom. Remus was extremely tempted to kick Sirius' stool from under him to wake the fool up from the dream land he seemed to be in.

"I found evidence left at the crime scene, telling me who the thief is." t

The class looked at one another, trying to guess who the thief was. Remus definitely seemed the most suspicious as his leg jerked uneasily out of control, and Peter followed close behind because he looked constantly apprehensive and fidgety.

"I found a blonde hair," Professor Mansell spoke menacingly.

Everyone's heads suddenly turned to Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy looked around the class frantically.

"Why am I the only blonde in this room?" Malfoy demanded. Professor Mansell came up his him and slammed her hands down on his desk where he jumped in alarm. The marauders sniggered at his uneasiness.

"Mister Malfoy, I know you took the veritaserum."

"_What_?" Malfoy shouted furiously. "I didn't take your stupid potion. How do you even know if that was my hair?"

"I used a spell and the results proved that the hair definitely belongs to you," Mansell said venomously. James and Remus were in complete awe; they didn't know exactly Sirius set up Malfoy but all they knew was that he was very sly, in fact, it was frightening.

"So you think I stole it based on one blonde hair? That's absurd!" Malfoy argued.

"No, boy. Of course, there is more evidence."

The wiggled their brows at Sirius; what more could the devious guy have done?

"The note you wrote, Malfo,." Professor Mansell thought she was reminding him.

Malfoy looked back at her blankly.

"What note?" he questioned, quite boisterous. The professor breathed a sigh of anger and revealed the note from her desk which flew over to hand by swishing her wand.

"_This _note. _The _note admitting your larceny and also some very indecent remarks that did not need to be mentioned. Surely you remember." She waved the note in front of his eyes.

"I think Malfoy should read the note out loud, Professor Mansell!" Sirius suggested loudly. She looked at him inquisitively, then nodded, agreeing.

"That is an unusually good idea, Black."

The class gasped at the words of the professor complying with a student, especially since it was Sirius Black. Professor Mansell handed the note to the peeved Malfoy.

"Loud and clearly so everyone can hear you."

Malfoy gulped nervously, dreading the words he would have to read.

"I, Lucius Malfoy," he began as he read the note, "stole the veritaserum," he said icily.

"Carry on," the professor beckoned. Malfoy continued reading.

"I am a RETARD?" Malfoy read out loud furiously as the Gryffindors laughed. "I also think Sirius Black is a SEX GOD?" he screamed in horror. The marauders were laughing hysterically along with the rest of the class, even the Slytherins, much to Malfoy's annoyance. Sirius had his arms around his head as he leaned back in his stool so arrogantly.

"I didn't write this effing note! I DO NOT think Sirius Black is a sex god!" Malfoy defended himself loudly.

"That's not what you were saying last night, Luscious Lucius," Sirius joked from across the classroom.

"SHUT IT, BLACK!" Malfoy yelled.

"Make me," Siruis growled seductively. Malfoy erupted.

"Can't you this a set up, Professor? Black did it! Can't you see?" Malfoy told her.

"All I see is evidence pointing to you. Do not blame other members of this classroom for your foolish actions,"

"WHAT? This is complete bullshit!" He shouted. The pupils made a theatrical 'ooohh' at his words. Malfoy bit his lip regrettably.

"MR. MALFOY! I am disgusted with your behaviour and language! Twenty points from Slytherin. You will also be serving a month's detention for your thieving."

"A _month_!"

"Yes, _unless _you return the veritaserum to me," Professor Mansell compromised. Malfoy groaned. However, Sirius and the boys were delighted; Malfoy had no veritaserum to return to her to get out of the detention.

"I haven't got it," Malfoy mumbled moodily.

"Then detention will be your punishment. I know just the thing to discipline you. I hear Professor Lerangis has still not found the nifflers and needs help-"

"NO!" Malfoy begged. The marauders and girls were ecstatic; Malfoy having to spend more time with the nifflers was great news to their ears. Detention with the nifflers would lead to Malfoy's death and then everyone would be happy and laugh at his funeral.

"Please, professor! I'm begging you! Make me clean cauldrons, _anything_! Don't send me back into the forest with them!" He'd even resulted in kneeling on the floor, tugging at the professor's robes as he begged pitifully. He had no pride when it involved hell with the nifflers.

"No, my decision is final. You will go to your detention starting from tonight,." the professor made clear. Malfoy took his seat on his stool, on the verge of tears as his goons looked at him with confusion.

"You're so evil, Sirius," Peter whispered in awe.

"I know," he arrogantly agreed. "Now, seriously, gimme your pants." He tried unbuckling Peter's trousers, whilst Remus tried stopping him as he pulled violently on Sirius's 'sexy' hair, as only Sirius described it.


	17. Crazy professors and poor Moony

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 17**

The rest of Potions class went going relatively normal. Professor Mansell was in a sombre mood, which the students guessed was because of her loss of veritaserum potion that she must have valued highly and now truly missed, for some very odd reason.

_Yeah, but if she truly valued the bloody potion, then why didn't she use it then? _Sirius thought_. Ha, dopey cow. _

"Why did Sirius steal the veritaserum?" Lily whispered furtively, as the professor droned on about the classes small attention span. James was a little surprised that she'd guessed the real culprit correctly, although it did seem obvious to everyone _except _the professor who was supposed to be the most intelligent in the room. She didn't have much cleverness to compete with, especially with students such as Sirius and Peter.

"Um," James started, trying to think of a reasonable excuse.

_Sirius only used the veritaserum to make me confess my undying love for you. Stupid tit,_ James thought moodily.

"He was using it on himself to declare his true love for Snivellus," he lied, triumphantly.

"Oi! I heard that!" Sirius yelled, pouting from behind him. Professor Mansell looked at him peculiarly as he'd shouted in the middle of her speaking; at least James and Lily had the common sense to whisper.

The class were now in the middle of making another complicated potion; James was partnered with Lily again, and again he was having a lack of concentration. Contently happy, James he stirred their potion, secretly gazing at Lily with faraway eyes. She hadn't noticed as she was busy cutting up more ingredients, or in fact, more fingers as she cursed in outburst.

As James mixed the potion, he was suddenly hit in the back of the head with something quite light. He glanced behind him and saw Sirius waving and pointing the floor. He looked by his feet and discovered a crumpled up piece of parchment, which James guessed this to be a note for him to read. He sighed tiredly and bent down, much to Lily's annoyance as she was stuck to him.

James opened up the note and read: '_Padfoot_ _says: stop perving on Lily! Its nauseating_." There was also a sentence by Remus saying '_Moony_ _says_: _if you do continue, please try less of the drooling and more discreteness_."

James had expected this from Padfoot but not his Moony pal; he would burn one of his books for writing that! But Sirius owned no books for James to ignite…He'd burn his distastefully graphic magazines instead!

He ripped a piece of parchment from his work, which had been important notes, then scribbled: '_Prongs says to Padfoot: I will stop observing Lily (not perving) when you stop having a 'hard on' looking at Malfoy_.'

He crumpled the parchment and cast a temporary flame on it. Lily gaped as James threw the blazed parchment quickly, but casually, over his shoulder to Sirius' desk. James smiled in satisfaction as he heard the cursing of Sirius as the note burned his fingers, then a loud and sarcastic "Har Har!" once Sirius had managed to read it after the flames had burned out. James turned to Lily who was still gawking, looking as if she was going to give him a telling-off about the dangers of fire.

"Uh, Sirius insulted you, that's why I tried burning his fingers off," James lied. Lily's furious look turned to a face of gratitude.

"Oh…thanks James," she said appreciatively. The two stared at each other, but the moment was lost when a high exclamation behind them interrupted their deep eye contact.

"AW MAN! I got POTION in my PANTS!" Sirius proclaimed to the class. He lifted a pair of underpants from the cauldron which was now dripping in a sickly yellow potion, although it was supposed to be red. He'd now found one piece of underwear so far on the 'pants hunt' Rachel had set him. Now Sirius had no need to steal Peter's pants, but Sirius would still have to go without underwear for the rest of the lesson because he wasn't exactly going to get changed in class and display his nude self to his fellow class mates. Although, it seemed like a good idea to him but Remus dismissed it instantly.

"We are now at stage of the potion where it is most _highly dangerous_," Professor Mansell warned the class. The class wondered why on earth she was letting them make a hazardous potion after the last lesson they'd had where there was more potion on the students, walls and floors of the classroom, rather than in the cauldrons.

"There must be _no_ spillages. _No_ accidents. You must _not_ get this potion on yourself, clothes or on your body. Or there will be drastic consequences. This potion _burns_ skin," the professor said dangerously. There were a few gasps of anxiety at the final note she'd said. Peter trembled, knowing that he would probably be burned at some point off the lesson, especially when he was partnered with Sirius. He could definitely feel his trousers become wetter: good news for Sirius' pranking.

"CRAAP!" Anna yelled, falling forward.

Sirius had accidentally stumbled into Peter as he was examining his soggy pants. This was somehow a 'dominoes falling effect' as Peter wailed, toppling into Remus, who then faltered into Anna. She fell into the desk, her hands keeping her upright as her head was inches away from being dipped headfirst into the cauldron of potion: immediately after the professor had said that the liquid burned skin.

"That was close, wasn't it? Your nose nearly got a dunking there," Sirius chuckled. His chuckling died when Anna was ragingly breathing through her nose, then out of her mouth to calm her. It didn't seem to be working as her face brightened with more anger. Sirius was about to point this out to her, but again, Remus had clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Did any of you feed the nifflers?" Lily asked Sirius and Remus, turning to face them. She gave the boys an odd look as Sirius muffled a few words under Remus' hand.

"We had to feed them?" Remus said uncertainly. Lily frowned at him. Remus immediately unclamped his hand from Sirius' dirty mouth, hoping he would save him from the difficult situation. Sirius was a much better liar anyway.

"Uh, sure we fed them!" Sirius lied.

"You did?" Peter said shocked. "Didn't you say earlier that you'd rather eat a vomit flavoured jellybean than feed-" Peter suddenly yelped as Sirius stamped on his foot.

"No, Wormtail. I said nothing of the sort. A still tongue makes a wise head," Sirius added to him. Remus rolled his eyes as he used yet another proverb and watched as the pathetic Peter nodded, shutting up.

"What did you feed them then?" James asked curiously, smiling with amusement. Sirius stuck his middle finger at him as Lily glanced at James. Unfortunately, Lily spotted Sirius stick up the finger so he made it look as if he was simply picking his nose.

"We fed them niffler food," Remus said lamely.

_Niffler food? What on earth do nifflers eat anyway?_ Remus thought hurriedly.

"What niffler food?" Anna asked.

"Umm...you know, the usual food. Grass," Sirius suggested. Because nifflers are like cows, right? Remus shook his head; he could've thought of anything better than that.

"You fed them GRASS!" Lily bellowed. Sirius cowered in return; maybe grass wasn't the most sensible choice.

"Did I say grass? I meant, um, chocolate," Sirius rectified. Everybody likes chocolate, surely magical creatures had an obsession for it too.

"Chocolate! You can't feed them chocolate! They're not humans, they're not Peter which you can stuff with a load of crap until he vomits it all over you!"

"I especially know what that feels like," Anna added, as Peter blushed in embasrassment.

"Okay, not chocolate, then. We definitely did feed them though," Sirius fibbed. "But just don't have a heart attack if you go back to the common room and find the nifflers, well, napping, for an extremely long time."

"My mum said my guinea pig was napping. She told me that for the next two months. I cried my eyes out for weeks when she finally told me he was dead," Peter said miserably.

"Well, that's kind of disgusting," James commented, wondering why on earth Peter was bringing up his diseased pet. He could just imagine Peter petting his dead guinea pig for two months….actually, he didn't want to imagine.

"That's what all parents tell their children. You were just at a young age," Remus said.

"Actually it was last year," Peter said quietly. The group stared at him in silence, thoroughly disturbed.

"I swear, those nifflers better be alive when I get back to the common room," Lily warned Sirius and Remus, then turned round back to her potion. James shrugged his shoulders to them, very unhelpfully.

"I'm not worried," Sirius shrilled.

"What if they are dead?" Remus whispered worriedly.

"Then we'll just transfigure our shoes into nifflers," Sirius explained, as if it was the easiest plan in the world.

"Do you know how to do that?" Remus questioned, arching an eyebrow.

Sirius looked at him blankly. "No..."

Remus hit his head in frustration.

"I'll ask my darling Minerva in transfiguration next," Sirius said.

Remus gave him a nervous look. "Don't let her catch you calling her that," he warned Sirius.

Meanwhile, James and Lily were busy with their potion; both surprised neither of them had burned each other's skin off.

"Well, looks like things are finally looking up," James commented happily. "Nothing bad has happened to us for at least 12 hours, unless you count being scarred by the image of Sirius running in my trousers without any underwear."

"I was traumatized by that," Lily pointed out.

James glanced at his watch. "Oh, okay. So around 45 minutes without nothing bad happening to us."

"Wow, that's a record," Lily rolled her eyes. She to admit, it was pretty funny all the embarrassing things happening to the both of them; except for hanging unbelievably high over a quidditch stand wall. She would not be paid to do that again no matter how many times Sirius asked so he could film it and send it in to one of those muggle television shows, where they find it funny where people are frightened as hell and hurt themselves.

The smile from her face swiftly disappeared when an empty ink well flew in the air, as if it suddenly appeared from the ceiling. Lily and James watched, as if in slow motion, the lobbed ink well dropped forcefully into their cauldron of potion. The ink well smacked into the liquid, the liquid spraying out graciously towards Lily.

She yelped in anticipation of being soaked in potion that would remove her skin, the skin she'd always complained was too pale, but she damn well needed skin! She stuck her one hand out in front of her as a small shield to at least block her face, but was pushed hardly in the side by James who'd slammed her aside to the floor, landing with her. Yes, he'd protected Lily from the potion, but not himself.

_What a doofus, _Sirius thought, not really thinking of James' well-being.

"_AAAAH_! MY SKIN! IT BURNS! IT BURRRNS!" James yelled hysterically, covered in potion and jerking on the floor. Lily was by his side, on the verge of tears, gaping in shock. "I'M DYING! OH GOD- the PAIN! The pain...wait a minute-where is the pain?" He asked out loud, confused. He'd been expecting the potion to be burning him any time now. Maybe it was just having a delayed reaction. He waited for a few seconds as the class gawked at him.

"Okay, I don't understand. I'm not feeling any burning. At all. No burning. At all," James repeated, and wiped a finger to a splodge of potion that was dripping from his head. He looked at the finger. There was definitely no signs of scorching. He didn't even feel a tingle….well, maybe a slight tingle then, but that was basically because the reaction of Lily's frightful face that he was in danger. The potion was basically as harmful as tomato ketchup. In fact, maybe even diluted tomato ketchup.

The bewildered yet annoyed class turned to face Professor Mansell, who was looking sheepish, definitely odd for a teacher. She seemed to be finding a great interest in studying her robes.

"I wonder if this is 100 percent cotton...?" She murmured to herself. Lily coughed loudly to get her attention. She slowly looked up.

"Oh, Miss Evans, yes?"

"Professor, why isn't the potion currently burning James' skin?" She asked politely.

"You make it sound as if you want my skin burning right now..." James muttered.

"Okay, class. So I shamefully admit I am guilty of mendacity," the professor revealed.

The class looked back at her blankly.

"Mendacity, means I lied," she explained tiredly. There was sound of understanding from the class. "I simply lied that the potion would burn your skin so there wouldn't be any spills of potion or accidents…Unfortunately, there still were." The professor sighed as she cleared the spilled potion.

"Weird woman, that Professor Mansell," Sirius murmured to Remus.

"Indeed," Remus replied. "Indeed…"

Lily pulled James to his feet and ran a hand playfully through his hair.

"You're using potion as a substitute for hair gel then?" Lily teased. James stuck his tongue out at her and then wiped potion on her nose.

"You look adorable, like a red nosed carrot."

"That makes no sense," Lily laughed. She turned head to Anna who was smiling greatly, wiggling her eyebrows and winking; both hard to do at once.

"I know what's going on," Anna nodded, looking at the two.

"Anna, what's wrong with your face?" Lily asked, as she watched Anna multi-task facial expressions.

"Yeah, don't make that face for too long or the wind will blow if off," Sirius said cockily.

"Padfoot, that's not the saying," Remus said, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Yeah," Peter agreed, "It's, 'don't make that face for too long or it'll stay like-"

"Shut it, dead guinea pig boy."

Someone in the classroom cursed as their plan to incinerate Lily's skin off had failed terribly.

--------------

Professor Mcgonagall was displeased. She had a class with the fifth year Hufflepuffs and unfortunately, the Gryfinndors. They weren't normally any trouble, except for the marauders. Sirius graciously announced his entrance as he made his way into the classroom with the others.

"Minerva! Simply spiffing to see you!" Sirius said smoothly. Remus rolled his eyes on cue; Sirius had ignored his good advice.

Sirius' arms stretched out, expecting to give the professor a hug and expecting one in return. She would never, ever, hug Sirius Black: goodness knows where he'd been. Instead, she frowned at him.

"Hey McGee, pleasure to see you, as always," James said effortlessly, standing at his side with a worried Lily.

Sirius scowled at James in jest. "Back off, Prongsie, she's mine-"

"_Sit down_," Mcgonagall butted in. The boys bowed, then sat at their seats whilst Lily looked at the professor apologetically.

"I really, really, hope that your underwear isn't in this room," Remus whispered to Sirius as the class watched professor Mcgonagall tiredly sit behind her desk. She opened the draw from her desk, merely expecting to see files of parchment. Her eyes widened in shock at what was positioned inside.

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

"Too late..." Remus murmured to himself.

Mcgonagall picked up the dragon skinned thong, belonging to Mr Black, that had been neatly placed in the draw of her desk. The marauders, Lily, Anna; in fact, all of the class, looked at Sirius questioningly.

_Why_ exactly did Sirius own a pair of dragon skinned thongs? The answer was pretty simple. Sirius Black was a perverted boy.

The class, except the marauders and two girls, were wondering _how_ exactly the dragon skinned thong got their in the first place? The answer seemed pretty simple to that question too.

"Sirius is Professor Mcgonagall's toy boy!" A Hufflepuff whispered.

_Damn that sexy Rachel quidditch beater,_ Sirius thought moodily.

"Professor, I do not believe it!" Sirius faked with utter dismay. "You stole, my drawers! And I don't mean drawers of the wooden kind," he added. The boys sighed with regret; accusing Professor Mcgonagall of stealing your underwear was definitely _not_ a good move. _Not _a good move at all.

"Mister Black, _do not_ flatter yourself."

"But Minerva," Sirius started, and the professor glared at him. It seemed she did not sincerely like him using her first name and the way it rolled of his tongue effortlessly. "How did you know they were mine?" He winked.

She walked up to his desk, holding the thong from an arm's distance, afraid that it might suddenly spring alive, jump up on her face and suffocate her. That would be highly unlikely to happen considering the thong didn't consume of much material. And thongs didn't normally spring alive. At least, not the un-magical ones.

"_Maybe _because there is a label with your name on it," Mcgonagall said viciously, dropping the thong in front of him. Heating in the face, Sirius looked at the small label on the thongs bearing the words 'Property of the sexy Sirius Black' in swirl writing.

"When did you get those?" Peter asked. Sirius was slightly freaked out by such a strangely curious question.

"An ex-girlfriend gave it to me," Sirius said casually. The marauders stared at him, whilst Lily and Anna shot him disgusted looks. "She had a dragon skins fetish," he explained.

"That's rather disturbing," Remus commented.

"Moony," Sirius said, looking quite appalled as he shook his head. He stood up from his stool, holding the thong to his crotch. "Tell me you're not turned on by this?"

Remus was about to answer with a definite 'no, I am definitely not turned on anyway', but he'd been interrupted.

"_Black!_ When you've finally finished your _fashion parade_, I sincerely suggest, that you _sit down_," Mcgonagall said shrilly. Grudgingly, Sirius sat back down on his seat.

"I've always fancied myself as a model, you know," Sirius whispered inconspicuously to James.

"No, Sirius, you just fancy yourself," James corrected him. Sirius scoffed. "Oh, Sirius," James spoke playfully in a high girl's voice, stroking his arm seductively. "I just luurrvve your dragon skinned thongs! Take me now!"

"_Potter_! Will you stop seducing Black and pay attention!" Professor Mcgonagall's mouth twitched into a slight curve as the class laughed.

"She's just jealous," Sirius whispered.

"And Black, please put those undergarments away."

Sirius nodded understandingly, then tried stuffing them in his trouser pocket. Unfortunately, they were too full of useless crap. He then tried fitting the thong into his shirt front pocket, the inside of his robe's sleeve, behind his ear and finally into the sock of his shoe: all spots did not fit the thong. He sighed in annoyance, then settled for wearing the thong on top of his trousers.

James and Lily watched, dazed, as Professor Mcgonagall's mouth was opening and closing. She seemed to be talking about transfiguring a quill into a butterfly, or a balloon, or maybe a banana? Something beginning with the letter 'b' anyway. All the pair knew was that she was talking, about something, that was not interesting, in any shape or form.

They both tried determinedly to keep their eyes open, resulting in James slapping his face to keep himself from drooping. This plan didn't work and only developed in James' red cheeks. Neither could overcome the power of sleep that had taken over them. Their eyes slowly shut, both going into a dream; or to be more specific, flashbacks. In both their minds, they watches as flashes of memory images dashed before them.

Flash.

_Each other's faces erupting with anger, in the common room. _

_"Just tell me the damn spell, Evans!" James shouted. _

_"No way! Not after the stupid prank you did on me, Potter! Work it out for yourself!" _

Flash.

_I've got no problem with you being gay though! Don't worry! You don't fancy me though, do ya?" Sirius joked._

_"Not you too, Padfoot. Shut up."_

Flash.

_"OW! You're crazy!" James shouted, being hit repeatedly by Lily with a thick transfiguration book. _

Flash.

_"Tell me the damn spell, Potter, or I'll-"_

_"-Or what Evans? Huh? What'll you do?-"_

_"I'll tell Professor Mcgonagall!"_

_"You wouldn't dare!"_

_"Trust me, gay boy. I will."_

Flash.

_"Hey Prongs mate, gonna borrow your cloak aright? To...umm...get some food." Sirius said hesitantly. _

Flash.

_"There," James said fixedly as he changed Lily's face back to its normal colour. "Happy now?"_

_"Whatever," Lily muttered, also changing James' robes back to the right adjustment. "Don't you dare think I'll give you a thank you."_

_"Ha, too late!" _

_"You annoy the hell out of me, Potter, why can't you just leave me alone?" Lily yelled._

Me_ leave _you_ alone! More like the other way round." James answered._

Flash.

_A voice? James and Lily turn their heads, but no-one was there._

_"What the-"_

_"Huh?"_

James and Lily suddenly awoke, shouting the angry words of: "Who's voice?"

This wasn't exactly a bright idea to do in the middle of class, especially with Professor Mcgonagall, and especially when most of the class thought they were already insane. Equally insane, and also insane for each other.

"Potter? Miss Evans? I sincerely hope you were _not _just sleeping in my lesson," Professor Mcgonagall warned. James and Lily looked at each anxiously, their hair in disarray, both panting and sweat pouring from their foreheads.

"I'm very disappointed in you two," Mcgonagall said. "I understand your hand predicament, but that still does not excuse your--_SIRIUS BLACK_! What are you doing?"

James and Lily sighed in relief as Sirius had distracted the professor from giving them a lecture and now would probably give him one instead. They did however gawk in confusion as they watched Sirius standing on his stool, trying to reach for something that was flying in the air. The thing in the air was his pathetic attempt of transfiguring a shoe into a niffler. And it wasn't even his shoe.

"Padfoot! Get me back my shoe!" Remus ordered as he stood with only one shoe on, slanting to one side and displaying his sock where his big toe popped out through a sock hole.

"I'm sorry, alright! I'm trying!" Sirius tried grabbing for the shoe that had developed fur and had sprouted wings. It was like some sort of demented butterfly.

"C'mon, come here, Moony shoe! Moony shoe!" Sirius cried. He carried out one giant leap from the stool, stretching out his hand to grab the flying thingamajig as if he were reaching for the snitch in a quidditch match. Of course, he missed, because Sirius was not a seeker. Instead, he landed on Anna who'd just removed the bandage of her nose and was feeling much better. She shrieked as she saw Sirius fly towards her and made a loud 'OOF!" sound when his body flattened on top of hers.

"Oops, sorry Anna," Sirius mumbled.

"Must _I_ always be the one to suffer?" Anna cried. Professor Mcgonagall sighed angrily, then simply pointed her wand to the flying shoe, muttering a spell which made turned the size seven shoe back to normal and drop to the floor, unfortunately on top of Sirius' head.

"Damn your big, pointy Moony shoes," Sirius cursed to Remus.

"Are you alright, Miss Garland?" Professor Mcgonagall asked kindly to Anna, as the fallen two stood up. Sirius had courteously tried helping Anna to her feet but she'd pushed him away where he landed straight back on his bottom. Anna groaned painfully, then limped off again to the hospital wing, but was smiling as a good looking Gryffindor boy was letting her use him as support.

"What about me? Don't you want to know how I am?" Sirius asked. Mcgonagall simply ignored him, and he sulked. Sirius returned the shoe back to Remus who was shaking his head.

Mcgonagall was about to continue the rest of her lesson, but Sirius had decided that this most inappropriate time when she was currently pissed off was the 'perfect' time to ask about the correct spell which would turn the shoe into the animal he wanted. not the fluttering footwear.

"Professor?" Sirius asked sweetly. The rest of the marauders shook their heads at once. On the bright side, Remus was a little happy that at least he hadn't called her by her first name this time.

"Professor?" He repeated. "Professor? Professor? Professor? Professor? Professor-"

"_Yes_?" She answered finally.

"Can I ask you a question?" The professor was about to answer with a 'no' but he'd already started speaking. "How do you change shoes into nifflers?"

Lily looked at Sirius swiftly at the mention of the word 'nifflers'; her suspicions that the boys had not fed her two animal bodyguards were getting greater by the second.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh….sorry," Sirius apologized. "Did I not make it clear enough? I want to know how you change a shoe, like this one," he spoke as he kicked the shoe off his foot, unfortunately it flinging off his foot and hitting James. He talked over James' profound moaning and insults. "And turn the shoe into a niffler. You know, those horrible black fur balls." Sirius winced when Lily glared at him.

"I heard you the first time, Black. I was just wondering what on earth you've done now."

"Nothing, professor. He's talking nonsense!" Remus said.

"Well, Black, I will _not_ tell you the spell because, knowing _you_, you would turn every Hogwarts student's shoes into nifflers. Including the teachers," she added.

"Of course I wouldn't! I'd never turn your shoes into nifflers, professor!" Sirius fluttered his eyelashes. Lily and Anna snorted at him.

"Why you would want to turn footwear into nifflers is purely a mystery to me. I hardly like the creatures myself," Mcgonagall said distastefully. Lily gasped in shock: surely everyone loved nifflers?

"We have something in common! Aren't they ungodly, horrid things! Our true love is fate!" Sirius declared. "Oh, Minerva, I-"

"Sirius, have some chocolate," Remus interrupted him.

"What? But Moony, I don't want-"

"Eat the chocolate, Padfoot," Remus shoved the chocolate into Sirius' gob, his mouth bulging to the maximum, which was a good think because it shut him up instantly. Unfortunately, Sirius didn't know that Remus had put some sleeping sedatives in the chocolate to calm the boy down.

"Good, Padfoot," Remus said patting Sirius' head that was now resting on the table as he snored loudly. The class sighed with content, now they wouldn't suffer anymore of his pitiful seducing.

-----------

Remus was a little worried; he'd run out of his tampered chocolate so Sirius was hyper again. He guessed Sirius hyperactivity was probably because of the night that was before them, that he and his friends would experience. Of course, Remus would have to suffer while his friends tagged along for comfort. He was more tired than usual and it showed in his dark shadows under his eyes. If anyone asked about them, his excuse was that Sirius had simply used that old trick of painting black over the telescope ring which he had somehow fell for, twice, one on each eye.

The fifth years were currently in a History of Magic lesson with Professor Binns. Lily was presently sleeping with her head in her hand. James could still admit that she looked gorgeous even when her face was slanted by her palm and a slight bit of drool was slipping from her mouth.

"I bet you want to lick that drool right off, don't ya?" Sirius asked, making James jump in startlement at being caught in the act.

"Whatever," James scoffed. He tried turning his attention back to Binns who was droning on his monotonous voice.

"What were you dreaming about in potions?" Remus asked curiously, slightly worried about his and Lily's distressed faces when they awoke.

"Nothing," James lied, his mind now back on the thoughts of the dream; the dream he thought Lily must have experienced too. The flashbacks showing their argument before their hands were stuck, then the voice right before he and Lily passed out. The voice that was probably responsible for him and Lily being attached. But who's voice was it? That's what annoyed him the most. He couldn't remember or recognise the voice, it was just too quiet.

"I bet you were dreaming about Lily naked," Peter giggled.

"I only saw her the once, alright! And it doesn't even count because I saw it in my head!"

The marauders gaped at him. "What?" they asked in unison.

James laughed nervously; he'd said _way _too much.

"Don't ask," he dismissed the topic. He turned back to Binns and tried to find interest in the professor who was trying to remember a student's name and failing to guess after the fiftieth time.

"This so boring," Peter murmured.

"Don't worry, Wormtail. At least we'll be having fun tonight," Sirius said cheerfully.

"Tonight?" James echoed with confusion. "What's tonight?"

Sirius looked at him with disappointment. Peter tried copying Sirius' dissatisfied face, because Sirius was such the 'perfect' role model, but Peter failed the look and only looked constipated instead. Remus tried to look as if he were listening to Binns talking rather then their conversation as he looked uncomfortable and uneasy.

"Tonight! Don't you remember? It's that _time of the month_," Sirius hinted. James looked worried and wondered if he were talking about 'girl problems', but he finally realised and hit himself in stupidity.

"Oh bollocks! It can't be tonight! I totally forgot! Sorry, Moony," he apologized to Remus.

"Alas, it looks as if you won't be joining us tonight, Prongsie old pal," Sirius patted him on the back. James looked sadly at the sleeping Lily.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't exactly transform with Lily with me. That'll end up as one demented stag dragging along a screaming red head."

"Hey, look on the bright side," Sirius said. "You'll be spending your time with the Lily instead. More drooling opportunities." James glared at him. "Speaking of Lily, why haven't you told her you like her yet?"

James blushed as the subject had turned into another interrogation.

"I dunno, Padfoot. I just don't think she likes me in that way. She probably still thinks I'm an annoying little berk," James told the boys truthfully.

"Then stop being one then," Remus muttered adding to the conversation.

"Good one, Moony," Sirius snickered.

"Honestly, James. You're bloody clueless sometimes. Am I the only one who notices the tension between you two? Lingering looks, falling on top of each other way too many times for it to be a coincidence," Remus pointed out.

"I can't help it if we seem to be extremely clumsier then the average witch or wizard," James argued.

"She even ruffled your hair in potions!" Sirius said gleefully. The boys ogled at him, not seeing how this action was supposed to mean any significance.

"So what if she ruffled my hair?" James asked.

"She hates you ruffling you hair, and she did it herself!"

"Not to mention the look on her face when that potion spilled on you. She was practically in tears," Remus added.

"Wasn't it weird when that ink well just came out of nowhere? I wonder who threw it? Do you think it's the same person who's trying to kill Lily-"

"Shut up, Wormtail, we're talking about something more important," Sirius cut him off.

James sighed and turned back to staring at Lily, whilst Sirius and Peter unsuccessfully tried transfiguring their shoes into nifflers. Instead, turning them into black furry spiders with too many eyes and too many legs. Something that definitely made Peter wet his pants.

---------------

After all lessons were over and dinner was eaten, James and Lily retired to the common room to finish homework and sit aimlessly in front of the fire. The nifflers were suspiciously missing, but Lily had not found the nifflers dead animal bodies so she was hoping that they would simply turn up later.

Now James was extremely on edge as he sat up, cross legged and gazing at the window. James and Lily were now in their separate sleeping bags, both supposed to be in slumber. Lily was asleep, but James was _thoroughly _awake. He had watched his fellow marauders leave the common room at near darkness, then gazed as the full moon rose and shone brightly in the pitch black sky through the common room's window.

A feeling of sadness and dread hung him down as he gazed at the moon. Since Sirius, Peter and him, had become animagus to comfort their werewolf friend, as they would adventure at that time of the every month. But tonight, they would adventure without Prongs, and that was a little worrying. He was the stag, he could take charge and control the situation when things got out of hand.

_Sirius can handle it. Maybe not Peter. But have faith in Sirius,_ James told himself sternly, but he couldn't help himself feeling doubt in his mind.

"James?"

James jumped startled at the soft call off his name. He turned to his left and found Lily awake, rubbing her eyes and looking at him with confusion as she sat up.

"You're on edge. Are you okay?" She asked worriedly.

"I'm fine." He flashed her a nervous smile of reassurance.

"That's creepy," Lily spoke, but laughed nonetheless.

"What are you doing up?" She asked with concern. James turned from looking at the window, to the doorway of the common room; waiting for Sirius and Peter to return after putting Remus to rest in the hospital wing as they normally did.

"Couldn't sleep," he spoke truthfully. Lily followed his gaze to the portrait.

"Are you expecting someone?" Lily asked.

_I bet he's waiting for some bimbo to have a quick snog with him in the common room,_ Lily thought, suddenly depressed.

"Are you waiting for some girl?" She asked, voicing her thoughts. James couldn't help but feel the jealously behind her voice.

"No way!" He protested. Lily felt instantly brightened. "Lily, just go back to sleep. Who knows what life or death situations we'll be suffering tomorrow," he joked.

"Okay then," she answered finally.

She laid back down in her sleeping back, watching James with curious eyes as he still sat up. "G'night, James," she said softly. James watched as her eyes shut, he then looked back to the common room entrance.

_This is going to be a loooong nite,_ James told himself.

--------------

James yawned for the fifty-fourth time as he waited for his friends to show. He'd counted simply out of amusement and to keep him awake, yet it somehow worked to the opposite effect as the counting made his eyes droop more. The full moon had finally exited the sky, now replaced by a rising sun, after what it felt like an eternity of waiting. Sirius and Peter should have been back a lot sooner and he tapped his fingers impatiently. His lack of sleep especially made him more edgy.

As he gazed at the common room doorway, he breathed with satisfaction as it opened and revealed his friends return. Problem was, he hadn't expected the barely awake Remus who was covered in cuts and bruises, looking unable to walk as Sirius and Peter, looking mightily dishevelled, supported him by holding his arms over their shoulders as they entered.

"Why did you guys bring him back here?" James hissed. "You're supposed to bring him back to the hospital wing!" His voice rose in anger, looking furious yet troubled at seeing his loyal, injured friend. Sirius gave him a look of regret and sadness: they had certainly had a rough night.

"I'm sorry, mate. We had to bring him back here, Filch was on our tail and-" Sirius stopped, a look of horror creeping on his face.

James looked confused to Sirius' and Peter's shaken faces, then made his own face of horror when he'd realised he'd forgotten about Lily sleeping beside him. Regrettably, she was not asleep anymore. It seemed as if James' shouting had waken her.

"Oh Merlin," Lily whispered, looking wide-eyed as she sat up, taking in the marauders shocked faces and appearance. "What's happened to Remus?" She cried, as she stood up from the sleeping bag and walked over to the weak and fragile Remus, gasping as she looked at his injuries, whilst James was dragged along wordlessly in disbelief. The boys gaped back at her, stunned and unsettled.

"What the hell is going on?" Lily demanded. "Tell me what happened to him!"

All that was going through James' mind were repetitive cursing on how the hell he was going to get himself out of this one.


	18. Nap attacks

**Chapter 18**

_This is some twisted nightmare I'm having,_ James thought bitterly as he watched the scene before him. The boys were still stunned with silence.

"Is anyone going to tell me what the hell is going on? None of you have said anything for the _past_ _five minutes_," Lily pointed out. It was funny how Sirius and Peter were looking at James as though he was going to have an explanation to solve their problems. If they thought he had a plan, they were very much mistaken.

"Slap me, Padfoot," James commanded. Sirius looked at his friend in confusion, but nonetheless slapped him across the cheek. He couldn't turn down such a tremendous offer.

"Nope, it's not a dream," James whispered, while he massaged his cheek in pain.

"Oh my goodness," Lily touched an arm covered in bruises and cuts, belonging to the now passed out and pale-faced boy of Remus Lupin. "Who did this to him?" Again, she got no reply. "Sirius?" she questioned furiously. Sirius looked wide-eyed as the question was directly aimed at him.

"Uh, well, ya see, Peter wet his pants," Sirius started. Lily narrowed her eyes, not seeing how Peter's peeing problems were related in any way to Remus' injuries. "And, then, um, Remus came along and slipped on Peter's pee and he fell. And, uh, the corridor was full of knives and, uh, also boulders, so that explains his injuries!" Sirius concluded. Lily looked exasperated by such an answer.

"Yeah, whatever you say, Mister 'I-sleep-naked'," she replied, unconvinced.

Sirius blushed furiously. "I like the fresh air..." he mumbled.

"Peter? Can _you_ tell me what happened?" Lily asked, turning to the small boy who was struggling dearly as he was supporting Remus. Peter was breathing heavily as if he was having an asthma attack and was especially startled that Lily was talking to him. Sirius and James gave him a furtive look, telling him to think of a reason, quickly. At least say something; anything, as he carried on breathing deeply like an obese person who'd just walked up a flight of stairs.

"Peter? Hel-lo? You still haven't clarified anything," Lily pressed, tapping her foot.

"Uh...it was...the nifflers?" Peter answered eventually, his tone uncertain. Lily frowned at him, deciding he was a permanent hopeless case, never to start a conversation with him ever again, and also made a mental note to hit him later for even suggesting the nifflers once he'd recovered from the so-called panic attack he was having.

"James? Tell me what's going on," Lily pleaded. James gulped at her: to tell, or not to tell?

"Uh. Remus, got an...allergic reaction...from...wearing Sirius' dragon skinned thongs?" he fibbed, cowering as Lily glared at him.

"This is ridiculous," Lily made a moan of frustration. James was dreadfully thinking that blatantly lying to Lily wasn't getting him in her good books.

"It's the truth, Lily!" Sirius protested. "He threatened to grope me death if I didn't hand over the thongs! And he-"

"Sirius, will you shut it-"

Lily was about to carry on talking but Sirius panicked at her lack of not believing the 'truth' so swiftly conjured a quaffle using his wand.

"What are you doi-"

Lily immediately fell backwards as Sirius pelted the quaffle at her face. Her eyes rolled back as she blacked out and fell on the common room foor, while James also fell to his knees with her.

"You have got to stop doing that," Peter complained tiredly as Sirius shrugged his shoulders.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" James yelled at Sirius, pushing Lily's hair sticking to her face. "Great, she's out. Please explain to me why you just did that?"

"Her voice was annoying," Sirius said simply. James immediately punched him in the arm at that comment. "It was the easiest answer! Knock her out so she wouldn't ask any more questions!"

"You can't just knock out anyone you like with quaffles!"

"Sure I can: I'm Sirius Black!" he reminded James, posing.

James shook his head tiredly. "Padfoot, just take Moony upstairs."

"What? But I-"

"Sirius, just do it," James cut him off sternly. Sirius was about to object but saw James' severe face and decided against it.

"Come on Wormtail. We know when we're not wanted," Sirius said grimly as they dragged Remus up the stairs to their dormitory. Once James was certain his friends had returned to their dorm since their footsteps were replaced with silence, he turned to Lily who had awoken from her unconscious state and was running a hand through her red hair.

"What just happened?" Lily asked groggily.

"Er, do you remember anything?" James asked, hoping that Sirius' quaffle to her head had taken away the memory of seeing Remus injured.

"I remember seeing Remus beaten up," James groaned at her skill of recalling, "and then Sirius hitting me in the head with a bloody quaffle."

"Sorry about that. He's like a hyper puppy dog that can't be controlled. Jumps and bounces around...and pees where likes-"

"James," Lily interrupted. "Will you stop talking about Sirius and just tell me what happened to-"

"Cushions!" James interrupted, dragging the confused Lily to the couch and picking up a cushion, displaying it to her whilst smiling manically. "I mean, what are they for? The couch is comfy enough. Its padded, soft, squishy. What is their purpose?" he rambled on, hoping that Lily would take a sudden interest in the subject of cushions and not the subject of Remus. "I mean, they're not that comfortable to rest your head on. They're just for decoration! When you sit on the couch, and the cushion is there, you can't exactly rest your back on it, so you move it to the side, right? So what's the point of-"

"James, I don't want to hear your cushion theory," Lily snapped. James was feeling hot and nervous. He realised he shouldn't be feeling hot when he was only wearing boxers. "Will you get a grip and just tell me-

"Foot stools!" James interrupted again, pointing to the foot stool by a chair near the fire. "Do we actually need them? Do we even use them? Like, can you really get that comfy and stretch your legs out in that position-"

"James! Will you stop changing the subject?" Lily yelled. He looked at her tiredly and ran a hand through his hair, realising he couldn't ramble on anymore about random useless objects and their objectives. They were not distracting her from Remus and frankly it was exhausting talking about cushions and foot stools.

"I think we should sit down," James said dreadfully as he sat on the couch, Lily following in suit. James licked his lips nervously, contemplating if he had the guts to reveal Remus' secret.

"C'mon James, it can't be that bad," Lily urged.

_Oh it _is _that bad,_ James thought grimly.

"Okay. Remus is a..." James paused, watching Lily's impatient face. "Remus is a..." He started again, not finding the next word coming out anytime soon. Lily gave his hand a slight squeeze of support, which she thought would give him the courage to tell her. Her squeeze to his hand only made him more nervous and flushed.

"He's a...sleepwalker!" James blurted out.

_Yep. My speculation was correct. I can never tell the truth,_ James concluded in his mind.

"He's a sleepwalker?" Lily repeated.

"Uh, yeah!" James watched Lily's unsure face. "He sleepwalks! The guys and I take turns in watching him at night! Its a hard job but somebody's got to do it!"

"So where did he go tonight? How did he get those injuries?" Lily beseeched. James regretted bringing up the sleepwalker tall tale because he still had to explain Remus' injuries.

"He, uh, walked...off the astronomy tower!"

_The astronomy tower! The friggin astronomy tower! You stupid twat. You stupid, utter twat,_ James cursed himself.

Lily stood up from the couch, irked and resentful. James obligingly joined her in the standing.

"I cannot believe I just believed your sleepwalking rubbish for a second!"

James again cursed himself; if he'd only made up a more plausible excuse for Remus' injuries, then he would of gotten away with it and would be sleeping right now, not receiving Lily's spit of angry shouts.

"Why do you keep lying to me?" She yelled. "When will you ever _grow up_?"

James bit on his tongue, trying to stop himself from making a remark that he was growing up faster than he could handle.

"Don't you trust me enough to tell me the truth?" Out of the blue, she looked on the verge of tears. He immediately softened at her face.

"Lily, course I do. It's just," James sighed, "You don't understand."

"Then make me understand," she retaliated.

"But its not my decision. Its Remus'. Its his choice to tell you, not mine," he argued.

"James, please," she pleaded. He still remained silent, and she shook her head resentfully. "I can't believe I actually thought you'd changed and that I'd gotten to know a different side of you that nobody sees, that there's more behind the prankster James Potter and his egotism. That-"

"Remus is a werewolf."

Lily immediately stopped talking and blinked, several times more than the average blinking required.

"_What_?" she breathed.

"Remus, is, a werewolf." James repeated. Lily slowly put a hand to her gaping mouth, in politeness of course because no one wants to see the insides of a person's mouth and count how many fillings or cavities they'd had. James watched frenziedly at her reaction.

"And before you say that he's a monster or whatever: he's _not_. He's one of my best friends and one of the kindest people I know. He wouldn't hurt a fly. He doesn't deserve to…to go through so much pain," James spat angrily.

"I was _never_ going to say he was a monster," Lily murmured, upset that he'd even thought she would speak those hateful words.

"Sorry," James apologized as he sat back down on the couch, gazing out the common room window at the sun that was rising in the sky; the orb of light that he bet Remus wished would never fade.

"I can't believe it," Lily said, her voice quiet. "I can't believe, out of all the loathsome people, Remus has to suffer," she said sadly.

"Makes you think why bad things happen to good people, doesn't it?" James said.

Lily nodded. "But I still don't understand…how do you...I mean, how can you be there with him when he's...not himself," she said uncomfortably.

James bit his lip nervously again and sighed. "Me, Sirius and Peter are animagus," he explained.

"But, that's impossible! Transforming to animal forms takes a long time of training, its complicated and dangerous!"

"Hey, you're talking to a marauder here. Nothing's impossible, too complicated or dangerous. Especially when it involves supporting a friend," James said. Lily couldn't help herself smiling at his loyalty. "You'll never guess what animal I transform into."

Lily looked at him curiously.

"A stag," she murmured. James' jaw dropped.

"How-how did you know?" he whispered astonishingly.

Lily smiled. "A stag, that's you all over, standing tall and proud, the leader," she said softly. James looked at her, flattered. "And _hooves_ of _steel_," she said mockingly as James chuckled at her.

"I can't believe I've told you all this," he said softly. "I've basically told you all my dark and hidden secrets, you know. I expect a fair exchange."

"You'll never know my secrets, James Potter," Lily replied mysteriously. "I'm honoured you told me about Remus though." She smiled. "I can't believe how much you'd go through for a friend," she said with respect.

"I'd do the same for you, you know," James mentioned. Shyly, Lily smiled. "I suppose you're going to tell everyone now-"

"Of course I won't." Lily protested. James smiled at her gratefully.

"Thanks, Lily flower."

James expected an angry moan of not calling her that nickname, but instead, he received something very different. Before James Potter knew it, he was being hugged by Lily Evans. And this time, she was hugging him on purpose. Not by accident, not after falling or tripping so she clumsily fell into his arms. No, she was hugging him because she wanted to.

_She feels warm and snugly, like a giant teddy bear...but with red hair and adorable freckles,_ James thought as he held his arm delicately around her waist.

"I'm glad Remus has a friend like you," Lily breathed into his neck, her words tickling that particular neck. James made a stumbling sound of "uhhuh", not resembling any actual words but they were the only noises forming from his trembling mouth.

For once, James thanked Merlin that his friend was a werewolf, because Lily was hugging him because he was the friend of a werewolf. And hugging Lily Evans was good. In fact, hugging Lily Evans was _great_. Now, he couldn't comprehend how exactly he ever hated or became enemies with this girl, or even if he hated her at all. Never could he hate the girl who was blowing his mind with the tickling of her breath.

Lily pulled away, James slightly stumbling as her weight had left his. For a split second, as they gazed at each other, it seemed the perfect picture moment; _too _perfect. As each others lips felt drawn to each other, they both closed their eyes as they thought they would be experiencing a passionate kiss. That was interrupted by a unsettling sound.

_Scratch...Scratch. _

They both abruptly opened their eyes.

"What was that?" Lily whispered fearfully, her warm breath softly hitting James' mouth. He wanted nothing more than to ignore the frighteningly strange noises of a monster lurking in the shadows; or maybe that monster was the mad man Jonathan?

_Scratch...Scratch. _

"Whatever it is, it's scaring the crap out of me," James murmured truthfully. Whatever it was, he would kill it for ruining such a impeccable moment. At those words, he suddenly wondered if it was Sirius. He _really _hoped it was Sirius.

_Scratch...Scratch. _

"You don't think its like in one of those spooky muggle stories where the scratching is coming from the bathroom where some mad man has killed your sister and hung her by the shower rail and your dog is locked in the cupboard and there's blood dripping-"

"Not helping, James."

_Scratch...Scratch. _

As the sound recurred, they found themselves recognising where the noise was coming from as their heads turned in abruptness.

"I think it's coming from behind the couch," Lily spoke quietly.

_Scratch...Scratch. _

James nodded and hoped he was nodding with courage and boldness, not a typical 'Peter nod' which was full of fear. He brashly grabbed a cushion, which he'd been complaining about earlier being completely useless, and held the cushion in a weaponry stance. It was a soft, pathetic and cushy weapon, but a weapon nevertheless. He swiftly handed a cushion to Lily.

"What are we going to do? Smother it to death?"

_Scratch...Scratch. _

She squeaked and decided to that she might as well settle to James' idea. It was an idea -a crappy one- but an idea at least.

"On the count of three, we look," James told her, and she nodded obediently. "One...two...two and a half...two and three quarters...," Lily rolled her eyes, "three!"

At the third count, they both looked over the back of the couch, holding their cushions in the air in defence, but made no attempt to attack. They were in too confounded in shock as they shrieked at where the scratching had come from. Lily found herself trying to shield her scarred eyes with the cushiony weapon in her hand.

At their sound of their disturbed screaming, their heads turned swiftly to the sound of tumbling down the staircase. The tumbling was coming from Sirius and Peter who had planned to spy at James and Lily under the invisibility cloak, but had stumbled on the stairs at the sound of their yelling.

"AAARGH!" Sirius and Peter yelled in unison as they tripped, falling down the stairs and hitting every step on the way down. The cloak fell off them as they landed on the common room floor. Sirius stumbled as he stood up in pain and looked at Lily and James, who were still screaming, then looked to what exactly they were screaming about.

"AAAAH!" Sirius yelped, his mouth as wide as a dementor about to make the deadly kiss.

There behind the couch were now _four_ nifflers. Although their return had been expected, they had not expected four nifflers to be scaring the hell out of them by scratching the couch. But the nifflers were wearing something, Sirius' particular something's: Sirius' pink underwear. The nifflers were wearing _his pink underpants_. Sirius had never been so horrified in his life. He was even more scared then his first day at Hogwarts when he spotted Snape's ugly face.

"THE _ABOMINATION_! THE _MADNESS_!" Sirius screamed as he ran up the stairs, tripping over a passed out Peter who was unconscious due to the fall down the particular staircase. James and Lily watched as Sirius ran up the stairs wailing, and then turned back to the nifflers who were looking up at them innocently. The sight of them was rather perturbing. Seeing a magical creature wearing something that was meant for a human was just not right. James suddenly conjured a blanket using his wand and distastefully placed it on top of the nifflers.

"James!"

"What? They were looking at me _weird!_ They're wearing Sirius underwear. His _pink underwear_. I don't want nightmares."

They sat in silence.

James suddenly looked nervous at Lily. "Um, are we going to talk about what we might of done a second ago?" He asked, referring to the kiss that should have happened, but didn't.

Lily made an amusing smile. "Cushions! What is their purpose?" She mimicked James, copying his pitiful changing of subject's technique.

"Touché."

Lily looked at the nifflers that were scrambling around under the blanket and rest her head on the couch.

"I need sleep," she yawned. James scrambled in the pocket of his boxers and produced a bar of chocolate.

"Here," he broke a off a generous handful of chocolate squares and handed it to Lily.

"You keep chocolate in your boxers," Lily said slowly, as she received the chocolate. She was having doubts whether to eat it, although it did come from a new bar and was wrapped. The mere fact that it had come from James Potter's boxers was a little daunting. He grinned sheepishly at her.

"Midnight snack," James said. "Eat it, I hear chocolate makes you sleep better."

"I've never heard that theory," Lily said.

"That because I just made it up, but I'm sure it does give you better dreams."

"_Sure_," Lily laughed. "What flavour is it?"

"I dunno. I nicked it off Remus." He shrugged his shoulders to Lily as she happily gobbled down the chocolate.

"Mmm," Lily murmured. "It tastes like...it tastes like..." She couldn't continue her sentence and explain to James what exactly she thought the sweet tasted like, as she'd promptly gone into deep slumber, snuggling into the couch.

"Huh?" James watched the sudden sleeping girl. "Oh….crap," he cursed, eyeing the bar in his had. "This is Remus' chocolate for Sirius; the drugged one to keep him asleep."

He looked from the chocolate and then back to the slumbering Lily, then shrugged his shoulders to himself.

"Well, can't beat her, might as well join her." James broke off a handful of chocolate pieces and greedily stuffed them in his mouth. He smiled happily as he went into instant sleep.

---------------

"What the hell?" Lily murmured slothfully as she woke from the couch, wiping a hand slowly over her mouth. She looked at the hand that was now covered in saliva...and chocolate. She could only imagine how unflattering she must look with a chocolate, saliva covered mouth and messy bed hair. She groaned; er head was resting on James' stomach, _again_.

_Why is his bloody naked stomach so damn comfortable!_ She cursed to herself.

As Lily removed her head from his stomach, she gazed at James who sleeping, smiling slightly with his own chocolate covered mouth. She clutched her head which was strangely throbbing, although she was awake, she felt her eyes closing on their own accord. As she was about to poke James in the cheek to wake him, he instead awoke at the sound of the common room door opening. A tired looking Sirius and Remus entered.

"Hey guys," James yawned as they came up to him. Lily made an unenthusiastic wave to them.

"I take it you've quit your habit of sleeping naked then," Sirius told James as he sat on sat on him, without his permission. Not that James would let him sit on him with his approval.

"Get off me, you fat arse." James pushed him off. Sirius looked highly insulted and started looking at his buttocks, wondering when they'd gained in size and was tempted to ask the others the question of 'does my bum look big in this?'

"I'm loving the chocolate covered mouths by the way," Remus commented, as he weakly sat on one of the common chairs, wincing in pain.

"Are you okay mate?" James asked concernedly. Remus looked at least better then earlier, although you could still see the slight marks of scratches and bruises.

"We've just been to the hospital wing. Moony took some healing potions so he should be fine," Sirius explained.

"Yeah, I've noticed they're not instant healing," Remus mentioned. "That's enough cushions, Padfoot," he said tiredly as Sirius had barricaded the poor boy in cushions to make him more comfortable. Instead he felt like he was suffocating in the walls of squishiness. Remus glanced a worried look at Lily who had remained silent.

"Er, Lily? Sirius told me that you saw me last night after I came back," Remus said, quite uncomfortably. Lily slowly nodded. "I suppose you know what I am then..." He trailed off.

"Yeah," Lily said, stealing a look at James who was guiltily looking down at his feet. She could tell he was feeling shameful about revealing Remus' secret that was supposed to remain secret. "He told me that you were a... sleepwalker," Lily finished. James cast her a furtive look. She was lying to protect him and he was extremely thankful. If the rest of the marauders weren't there, he would have grabbed and kissed her. Although, he reckoned he probably would of got interrupted by some person, creature or object.

"What?" Sirius said. .

"He told you that?" Remus said.

"Yeah…I just want to say, Remus," Lily started softly. "You're a great guy, sleepwalker or not. Don't ever think, or let anyone else think, that you're shit because of it, because you're not. I'm sure there's a cure for it out there somewhere. Don't let it take over your life."

Remus smiled gratefully at her.

"Are we still talking about sleepwalking?" Sirius asked in bewilderment.

"Thanks, Lily," Remus told her appreciatively, ignoring Sirius.

"I'm hungry. Lets get some breakfast, people! Leave Wormtail to sleep," Sirius said dismissively as the group looked at Peter who was still passed out in front of the common room stairs. They watch amusedly as a rushing first year ran down the common room stairs, not noticing Peter was there, and yelped as they tripped over the unconscious body.

"He's a hazard," Sirius commented.

"We've got class in like twenty minutes," James mentioned as he cast a refreshing cleaning spell on him and Lily and changed their clothes to their usual uniform.

"Don't worry, no one will miss him," Sirius said casually.

"Shouldn't we put a sign on him, or something?" Lily asked, watching as another first year ran down the stairs, tripping over Peter and collapsed onto the other first year. They imagined there would be a big pile of small first years at the end of the day.

"What, you mean like those signs like 'wet floor' or 'cleaning in progress'?" James suggested.

"Yeah, one of those signs. But not of that exact wording," she mentioned before James conjured a 'wet floor' sign on top of Peter.

"Fine, we'll put up a sign for you, Lily, since you're such the safety monitor," Sirius said sarcastically, then using his wand, made a yellow cone appear which displayed the words 'Sleeping in progress'. He placed the cone on Peter's head which slanted to the side.

"There, he looks gorgeous, food time!" Sirius said eagerly.

"You know, if you keep eating, you'll get as fat as Father Christmas," James pointed out.

"He-lo, everyone loves him! And I look _sexy_ in red. And the way he talks dirty to girls. Have you been a naughty girl this year, Lily?" Sirius growled.

Lily hid behind James.

"Padfoot, have you forgotten about the naughty boys?" Remus reminded him.

Sirius made a look of horror and shut his mouth.

"So...pink underwear, Pads? Let me guess, an ex-girlfriend had a pink underpants fetish?" James chuckled.

"No need for explanatory on the 'ex' part of that sentence."

-------------------

"Are you guys okay?" Remus asked James ad Lily, looking worried. Remus himself was pretty knackered after his full moon expedition. However, the two fifth years before him, now eating breakfast in the great hall, somehow looked more tired then him and they weren't even undercover werewolves.

"My eyes are all droopy," James and Lily moaned in unison. "Hey, stop copying my illness," they said again together, "Stop it! It's weird!" they said once more, "Bloody hell!"

"Will you guys shut it? You're like those lovebird parrots," Sirius complained.

Lily sighed, then stirred her cereal in her bowl. "I feel weird," she said, yawning.

"I know, me too. I'm too tired to even eat breakfast!" James spoke with disbelief.

"Wow, there must be something wrong with you then," Remus commented.

He watched as James and Lily stared at their breakfast, and almost suddenly, their eyes shut and their heads dropped violently into their food.

"O-kay...What just happened?" Remus asked Sirius. They stared at James and Lily who were strangely sleeping in their food. Sirius shrugged his shoulders in response, then carried on eating his pancakes. As Remus contemplated whether he should be worried or not, James and Lily suddenly woke from their few seconds nap.

"OH MY GOD, I'M BLIND!" James screamed as he awoke and took his head off from the table. Sirius sighed, and then knocked off the two fried eggs which were covered over his glasses, blocking his sight. "Oh," James realised, once the eggs were took off, and he blushed at his sudden outburst. He made a sound of disgust as his glasses were covered with oozy yellow egg yolk.

"You're glasses are eggy," Sirius giggled. James changed his breakfast to a plate of toast.

"What just happened?" Lily questioned confusedly, picking out cereal that was caught in her hair and wondering why her face was all milky.

"You guys just passed out, or something. It was weird. If you do it again, I will start to worry," Remus said.

On that note, James and Lily looked at him blankly, and again, their eyes shut abruptly as they blacked out again into their breakfast.

"Okay, that's starting to get annoying," Sirius commented, as the second Lily's head connected with her bowl of cereal, a wave of milk immediately splashed over him.

Remus and Sirius waited for the couple to awake again, along with a few confused students sitting next to them who were wondering exactly what drugs they were on. James and Lily stirred awake a few seconds later, faces full of confusion and smeared with food.

"Aw man," James complained, wiping a hand over his face that was now covered in the spread from the toast. Sirius amusedly wiped a finger to James cheek and licked it.

"Mmm marmalade," Sirius commented. James said nothing, scrubbing his face.

"What. Just. Happened?" Lily asked again, her face drenched in milk; she was getting sick of her face getting covered in food.

"I think you've both suddenly become epileptic," Remus told them.

"But James can read, I've seen him," Sirius protested.

"That's dyslexia, Padfoot," Remus told him tiredly.

"Oh no," Lily moaned. "I can feel myself going again." She forced to keep her eyes open, while James had resulted in trying to keep his eye lids open with the help of forks.

"Is it something you've eaten? James, recite everything you ate last night," Remus told him.

Sirius chuckled. "That'll take all day…"

"You saw what we ate at breakfast and lunch," Lily reminded him.

"Yeah," James agreed. "And all we ate last night was some of your chocolate."

Remus gulped. "What?" he said dreadfully. "You ate some of _my _chocolate?"

"Yeah," James cringed. "Just some of that drugged chocolate that you give to Sirius to make him fall asleep. Don't worry."

"That chocolate was drugged?" Lily said furiously.

"THAT CHOCOLATE WAS DRUGGED?" Sirius said, even more furiously.

"No, course not, Padfoot!" Remus lied, then frantically grabbed a bar of chocolate from his pocket and broke off a piece. "Here, c'mon Pads, it'll make you feel better!"

Sirius looked unsurely at the chocolate. "Has it been tampered with?" he asked suspiciously.

"Noo..." Remus lied. Sirius shrugged his shoulders, gobbled the chocolate, then promptly blacked out into his syrup covered pancakes.

"Okay, now that's over with," Remus said, focusing back on James and Lily. He groaned when he saw that they'd somehow passed out again whilst he'd drugged Sirius. He waited patiently for a few seconds until they woke up again, just as startled as before.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Lily groaned. "You need to make a record of this."

"Look," Remus began, trying to remain calm, "How many pieces of chocolate exactly did you have?"

"C'mon, Moony, you're talking to James Potter here," he said, oddly cheerful.

Remus groaned. "Oh god…Did you have more than one piece?"

"He _made _me, in fact, he_ forced _me to eat a handful of the chocolate!" Lily protested her innocence. James looked at her in disbelief.

"I forced you? Forced you, my arse! I offered it to you and you accepted it! There was no _forcing_ involved!" James rectified to Remus.

"Maybe you'll learn your lesson, Prongs, to never steal," Remus told him smugly.

James scoffed at him. "Sirius stole my trousers!" he reminded Remus.

"Can we please get back to the subject," Lily said tiredly, moving her bowl of cereal away from her before she had another nap attack.

"You must be experiencing the side effects of having more then _one piece_. You're_ not _supposed to have more than _one piece_ at a time," Remus said with annoyance.

"Well, there was no bloody warning label on it! There was no 'Warning-do not eat more than one piece or you'll suddenly going to sleep every bloody 10 seconds!"

James was about to complain some more and suggest a few more warning labels that were not on the chocolate bar wrapper, but the sound of sniggering in the great hall as a student entered distracted him. They watched as Peter limped towards them, completely unaware that there was yellow cone on his head. The words were now changed on the warning sign from 'sleeping in progress', to 'I like to bum the marauders'.

"What?" Peter said uncertainly, wondering why everyone's eyes were on him.

James furiously grabbed the cone and smashed it to the floor, then took one glaring look to the culprit who'd changed the words on the cone. Lucius Malfoy sat at the Slytherin table, smirking as his cronies laughed in uproar. Remus winced as he watched the angry James grab his wand and was about to curse Malfoy, but then made a sigh of relief when he saw James eyes squinting, stumble and then fell back on his seat, falling asleep instantly as Lily joined him in the slumber. His head was now in a bowl of porridge.

-----------------------

Lily was feeling very uncomfortable as she sat next to James in Transfiguration. All she could think about was the kiss that was destined to happen in the common room, unfortunately interrupted by the nifflers. She was embarrassed by her actions, out of the blue, just hugging him like that. She just did it on instinct, admiration and respect, she defended herself. She was just amazed at what James and the rest of the marauders, the perverted Sirius and Pee Queen Peter had gone through for Remus.

"What's up with you two?" Anna whispered to Lily, sitting on the left side of her. She'd just come out of the hospital wing, determinedly sitting as far away from Sirius Black as possible. Anna noticed the uncomfortable and shy looks between James and Lily, and the nosey friend she was, was now bothering Lily for answers.

"Nothing," Lily said dismissively, cringing as Professor Mcgonagall glowered at her, noticing their whispering whilst she was talking.

"Care to share with the class, Miss Evans?" Mcgonagall asked. James eyed Lily with a peculiar look.

"No, professor!" Lily said nervously, moving her quill across her parchment, making it look like she was copying notes enthusiastically. Once the professor looked away, she dropped the quill and resumed to day dreaming. She had been doing this, until she was elbowed in the stomach by an impatient Anna. Lily glowered at her, not wanting to be caught talking again by the uptight professor, but looked down to what Anna was pointing to. She'd written a note to her on spare parchment.

_'What's up with you and James?' _It read. Lily took a glance at James beside her, hoping he was not looking and discreetly wrote her reply on the parchment.

_'It's complicated. Let's just say we had a moment in the common room.' _Lily slid the parchment back to Anna.

Anna raised her eyebrows as Lily looked fixedly away with reddening cheeks.

"Are you okay, Lily?" James whispered, with a tone of concern. "You look a little flushed."

"It's just the chocolate," she murmured back to him, tittering nervously. James gave her an odd look, then returned back to trying to reach a pair of Sirius' underpants that had been stuck on the back of a fellow gryffindor, courteously of Rachel, the 'pants hunt' organiser. Lily was elbowed again, more impatiently by Anna. She looked down at the parchment, reading the words _'Elaborate on the moment, please!'_

Lily sighed , picking up the quill as a eager Anna waited for her answer. However, as Lily picked up the quill and was about to write, a sudden nap attack had took over James and Lily, their heads forcefully hitting their desk.

"No! Dammit!" Anna cursed loudly, wanting desperately to hear James and Lily's moment in the common room. Anna looked at Remus for a clarification for their abrupt slumber.

"They've suddenly become epileptic," Remus explained.

"So, it's like, er, an epidemic?" Sirius said confused.

"Well, no, it hasn't attacked a large number of people, just James and Lily-"

"It is a disease though, isn't it?" Sirius asked.

"Well, epilepsy is but-"

"Like leprosy?" Sirius suggested.

"Well, leprosy is a-"

"Have they got leprosy?"

"No, of course not-"

"What is leprosy?"

"It's a highly contagious skin disease-"

"I thought it was those little, green Irish dudes with pots of gold," Sirius said happily, "I like them," he added.

"No, they are leprechauns," Remus corrected.

"So, if you had leprosy, would you be called a leopard?"

"A leopard is an animal, if you had leprosy you would be called a leper-"

"Boys!" Mcgonagall interrupted furiously. "Will one of you tell me what on earth has happened to your associates?" She pointed to James and Lily.

"They had a rough night," Peter explained instead. This appeared to be the wrong thing to say to the fifth years to a class of highly immature fifth years. The words of a 'rough night' made everyone suddenly thinking it was due to congressing with each other. James and Lily slowly awoke to the class of wolf whistles and growls.

"Ugh, I am never eating chocolate again," Lily yawned, and nearly soiled her self when she saw Mcgonagall standing over her, with might intimidation.

"I suggest you both go see Madam Pomfrey later to discuss your sleeping problems," she said icily, returning back to writing on the board. James and Lily reddened.

Lily was about to take some more notes down but was elbowed again by an eager Anna, greatly happy that she was awake and could now give her the details of the 'moment'. Lily was disappointed, hoping she would have another chocolate side effect to make her nap again. Unfortunately, the moment was not coming. Lily grudgingly picked up the quill and wrote down on the parchment.

_'I kind of, nearly...kissed him,' _Lily wrote.

Anna's eyes widened as she read her words. "NEARLY?" she yelled. Lily cringed as the class looked at her. "Uh, I nearly had a coronary when I saw Sirius' ugly face," she explained, and the class gave her a satisfied nod.

"Hey! That was uncalled for," said a cheesed off Sirius.

Anna furiously wrote down with her quill a reply back to Lily.

_'What do you mean NEARLY? Why didn't you?' _

_'There were nifflers with underpants. Pink underpants. Don't ask,' _Lily replied. Anna gave her a look of disturbance at the note of nifflers in underwear and snorted amusedly at the fact that it was pink.

_'You did want to kiss him though, didn't you?' _Anna winked at Lily.

_'Don't do the multi-tasking facial expressions again, please. I don't know. Yeah, I suppose I did want to kiss him.' _Lily blushed.

_'You're finally admitting you like him! Thank-bloody-God, took you long enough. Lily and James, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!' _Anna replied childishly. Lily glared at her.

_'Shut up. Alright, I admit it, okay! I, Lily Evans, fancy James Potter and want his babies!' _Lily joked, chuckling and passed the note back to Anna. Unfortunately, Mcgonagall had heard her chuckling and was presently standing before them, looking highly infuriated. Lily gasped as Mcgonagall snatched the parchment from their desk before Anna could read it. Mcgonagall shook her head disappointedly.

"Passing notes in my lesson are prohibited. You know that girls. Why don't I read it out to the class?" Mcgonagall suggested.

_No, no, NO! This is NOT happening! She's gonna read the last line! The line that was a JOKE! EVERYONE WILL THINK I WANT JAMES POTTER'S BABIES!_ Lily screamed in her mind.

"Let's see," Mcgonagall said, adjusting her glasses as she flattened out the parchment. Lily gave Anna a look of horror, wondering why on earth she was looking so calm and unconcerned. "_'Sirius Black has a small peni_s'," Mcgonagall read the parchment, turning the parchment front and back, expecting more words.

"EXCUSE ME?" Sirius exclaimed, as the class sniggered at him. Lily looked at Anna for an explanation. She simply showed her wand under the desk, and Lily guessed she'd changed their written words the second Mcgonagall had picked up the parchment. Lily mouthed a grateful 'thank you' to her.

"I'm afraid I will have to take ten points off gryffindor for your note-passing," Mcgonagall told the girls. "It is disrespectful sharing secrets in my lesson about other classmates-"

"But, professor, it is _not_ is a secret! It is sooo not true," Sirius argued. "C'mon, mines the biggest in this room!" Mcgonagall looked like she was about to explode with anger. "C'mon, I bet Jamesie's is probably the sma-"

However, James could not hear the rest of the sentence which he would curse Sirius for implying, as he and Lily had promptly collapsed into another nap.

--------------

James and Lily sat in the common room; classes were over and they'd retired to homework, but they given up working due to the sudden sleep attacks they got. Sirius, Remus and Peter were in their dorm, slightly aggravated by their abrupt naps so escaped upstairs. Their aggravation was caused by James who'd been writing his History of Magic essay, dipping his quill into the ink well. Unfortunately, at that appropriate time he had a nap attack and went into immediate sleep, unfortunately knocking the inkwell into his three friends who were sprayed with the liquid.

"Owwww, I got ink in my EYES!" Peter complained, tripping over a common chair as he squinted in pain.

"I somehow got ink up my NOSE," Remus announced, sneezing as ink sprayed out of his nostrils.

"I got ink in my MOUTH," Sirius said grimly. The boys looked at him with sympathy; he probably been the worst affected. They figured ink didn't taste nice.

"I think I've got ink poisoning," Sirius opened his mouth wide, wiping his tongue with his hands.

Moodily, the boys fled up the stairs.

James and Lily were not in pleasant moods. All day they'd been having sleeping side effects from Remus' chocolate, and were also having the occasional repetitive dreams of the night before they got their hands stuck. They both panted and sweated as they had the dream of flashing images again.

_Flash. _

_Lily screaming at her appearance in the mirror: her green face and hair staring boldly back at her. _

_"Lily, you're looking green with envy," Anna chuckled and ducked a bar of soap that was hurled at her head. _

_Flash._

_James yelping as his attractive robe is turned a horrific, fluorescent pink._

_"What the hell?" James said furiously. He shrieked when a sixth year pinched his bottom, winking and growling seductively at him. _

_"Leave me alone, you faggot! I'M NOT GAY!" _

_Flash._

_Each other's faces reddening with anger in the common room. _

_"You tell me the spell to get all this green crap off me!"_

_"No way, Evans!"_

_Flash._

_A voice? James and Lily turn their heads, but no one is there._

_"What the-"_

_"Huh?"_

Quickly, they both awake, but this time not with confusion, but _realization_. They now recognised _the voice_. They now knew _whose_ voice it was.

"It was Peter," they murmured in unison. Their heads turned abruptly to the sound of someone coming down the staircase, regrettably, Peter Pettigrew.

Much outraged looks were directed at him.

"Uh oh..." Peter trembled.

"WORMTAIL, I'm going to _shove_ a _sausage_ down your _throat_ and stick _starving dogs _in your _arse_!"


	19. Those damn Slytherins

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Chapter 19: Those damn Slytherins**

"W-w-hat?" Peter quivered, paralysed to the spot in front of the stairs. He feared to move anywhere near the angry James and Lily, although there was no need because they'd bolted from the couch and were storming towards him.

"I can't believe it was you! You're supposed to my friend!" James shouted at Peter, rolling up his sleeves and grabbing his wand from his back pocket.

"Hurt him," Lily commanded venomously.

"What are you talking about?" Peter squeaked, squealing as James lunged for his throat. Peter fell to his knees and scrambled along the floor, hiding under one of the common room tables, thoroughly resembling his animagus form of a rat.

"You stuck our hands together!" Lily yelled at him. Peter instantly paled as he backed further away under the table.

"B-but it wasn't my idea," Peter protested. He yelped when James grabbed the table that had been Peter's temporary shield, and knocked it over, where is was hurled at a group of screaming second years.

"EEK!" Peter yelped as the table flew off him, unprotected and defenceless. He tried scrambling away, wondering whether the exit of the common room or the stairs was the nearest escape route, but James had already grabbed him by the collar, cutting off his air supply.

"Tighter! TIGHTER!" Lily ordered to James who squeezed his grip harder around Peter's neck.

"It would be easier with two hands," James complained. Lily was about to suggest that she would help, but a shout from behind them butted in.

"JAMES!" Remus yelled, taking a last step off the stairs and running up to them, Sirius close behind.

"What's going on? I heard wailing," Sirius said, oddly cheerful.

"James, get off him," Remus said sternly, prying his hand off Peter. James gave him a look of indignant anger. Peter whimpered and collapsed to the floor in sobs.

"Moony, don't get involved," James said bitterly, and was about to make another step towards Peter, but Remus had determinedly stood in front of him.

"What is your problem?" Lily snapped in annoyance.

"Why exactly are you trying to beat Peter up?" Remus asked them, trying to calm the two down.

"Because he's the one who stuck our hands together!" Lily bellowed, pointing a finger at the blubbering boy. Remus instantly went white and sent an anxious look at Sirius.

"Padfoot!" Remus shouted annoyed. Sirius, at one point of the conversation, had drifted over the other side of the common room and was now chatting with some sixth year girls. He looked up from one of the girl's slender pair of legs to examine Remus' frown.

"Sorry," Sirius apologized. Remus wasn't sure if he was making this apology to him or the girls fluttering their eyelashes at him. Sirius skipped back over to Remus and the others and sent them a curious look. "So...what's going on, then?"

"I've had enough of this," James complained. He pushed off Remus' hands that were on his shoulders that had been keeping him from beating Peter up.

"James! James, no! Lily! Guys, stop it!" Remus shouted, watching as James picked up Peter from the floor and was now strangling him again, this time with the help of Lily; two hands are better than one after all.

"Sirius! Tell them!" Remus bawled. It seemed as if Sirius was pondering whether to say anything or not as he stood with a hand to his chin and portraying a deep 'thinking face'. He finally snapped when he saw Peter's face turning different colours; Peter turning different colours would lead to vomiting. He did not want to be vomited on.

"Prongsie, Lily flower, stop strangling the poor kid." Sirius pulled off their forceful grips, though, pulling them off Peter seemed harder than he thought.

"C'mon, guys! Don't make me lick you!" Sirius warned. The two finally lessened their grips and glared at him.

"Give me one bloody reason why I shouldn't be gutting him like a fish and drinking his blood?" James said icily. Sirius made a disgusted face at his choice of torture.

"One, you're not a vampire," Sirius said distastefully. "Two, Peter's blood would taste horrible - no offence mate," he added to Peter but he was too busy whimpering to notice the offence anyway. "And three, because...it was my idea," Sirius finished dreadfully. James and Lily gaped in silence.

"_What_?" James sincerely hoped this was a joke: a stupid 'Sirius joke'.

"I made Peter and Remus help me. All Peter did was make you guys sleep…"

"You got our hands stuck?" Lily asked him furiously, wanting a full confirmation before she caused him serious pain. Sirius nodded slowly. He trembled as James and Lily looked at him with silent anger.

"Please says something, your muteness is scaring me," Sirius pleaded. He could hear the deep breaths of anger through James' nostrils.

"Violence isn't always the answer," Remus warned James. The fifth years scoffed at him, even Sirius, which was not a wise thing to do when he should of been agreeing with Remus so he could avoid the physical punishment he was about to get.

"When I get a hold of you, I'm going to sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!"

"You could of said anything but that," Sirius replied grimly, but promptly leaped out of the way as James and Lily pounced on him.

"Get back here, Padfoot!" James commanded. He and Lily chased after Sirius around the common room. "I'm not going to hurt you!"

Sirius immediately saw through the fib. "Bull!" he replied, grabbing a first year girl, as James conjured books and started pelting him with them.

"Not the books, James! Don't make the books suffer!" Remus yowled, trying to grab the stack of literature he was throwing aggressively. The first year screamed as Sirius used her as a safeguard and managed to get out of his hold by kneeing him in the groin.

"Damn you, midget!" Sirius yelled. He watched the first year escape up the common room stairs, no longer a shield for Sirius. He quickly ran behind the couch, using that as some sort of defence.

"Sirius Black, I am going to rip out your eyes and shove them down your underpants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you!" Lily shouted, grabbing a book, much to Remus' despair, and throwing it at Sirius where it hit him squarely between the eyes.

"Really Lily, you're going a bit over the top aren't you," Sirius said.

"_Over the top_?" she spat. "I had to stand and listen to a guy pee! Pee!"

"Did he sprinkle when he tinkled?" Sirius asked amusedly; that had not been a good thing to say at this comical time. Sirius was about to ask Lily if James left the seat up after he urinated -a habit not conquered by any boy- but James had pummelled a cushion at him.

"Don't use the cushions! They don't cause any pain! Here," Lily said, handing him a harder object.

"Shit!" Sirius swore as he ducked as a jug of water that was hurled in his direction. The jug crashed the floor, luckily missing Sirius but the water had unfortunately sprayed the sixth year girls Sirius had been flirting with. They were now drenched, make-up running off their faces.

"Don't worry ladies, you still look hot," Sirius said positively. They gave him dirty looks, then returned to their dorm.

"Thanks a lot, Prongs," Sirius said dryly. "You're a pal."

"A pal! I thought you were one but then you decided to put me and Lily through hell and get our hands stuck!" James remarked.

"He meant well, James," Remus protested. Lily and James scoffed at him, then James produced some more jugs of water to throw at Sirius.

"Can't you make them jugs of Firewhiskey?" Sirius pleaded, but quickly regretted the words as the new jugs of Firewhiskery were chucked at him. The alcohol sprayed over him, and he somehow managed to get some in his mouth, licking the Firewhiskey dripping from his chin. Unfortunately, he got some in his eyes; they stung like hell, and Sirius proved this point greatly.

"My eyes sting like hell!" Sirius announced, then turned to Remus for support. "Moony, help me!" he begged. Remus looked at him helplessly as more jugs of alcohol was thrown at him. He quickly handed an object to Sirius which he thought would help in his situation; Sirius was not at all grateful.

"A BOOK?" Sirius yelled, staring at the book Remus had handed him. Remus shrugged his shoulders. "Moony!" Sirius said disappointedly. "A true friend would give me something decent to protect myself. A shield, a sword," he suggested, "maybe even an axe! But, a book? I spit on your book!"

"Please don't. It's new."

Sirius rolled his eyes which was not a wise move when he was supposed to be paying attention to the jugs being flung at him. He shrieked as more Firewhiskey drenched him.

"I smell like a drunken bum," Sirius said bitterly, sniffing his wet clothes.

"You ARE a drunken bum," Lily retorted. Sirius couldn't help but clap his hands at her witty remark, but halted when Lily grabbed a few quills which she had been using earlier for homework and launched them at him. He swore loudly as he watched the quills fly at him like daggers.

"Ow ow OW!" Sirius moaned, the quills hitting him like gun shots. "They're sharp, you know!"

James made a feigned an expression of sympathy, then pelted an ink well at him which was graciously full of ink.

"Oh God no! Not the ink!" Sirius screamed as the ink flew towards him and somehow got in his mouth, _again_. Violently, he coughed.

"Sirius, for Merlin's sake, I gave you that book for a purpose!" Remus reminded him, pointing the book in his hand. "Read some of the quotations!"

"What? You want me to bloody read at a time like this?" Sirius said in bewilderment, looking at his friend as if he'd gone insane, which was probably true at the time.

"Just read some of the lines out loud!" Remus said. Sirius stared at Remus oddly, then finally looked at the front cover of the book which read 'Lasting Friendship'. A look which said 'are you kidding me?' graced Sirius features. Nonetheless, he opened the book, flicked to a random page. Pointing aimlessly to a line, he read aloud:

"Friendship is plant which must often be watered." Sirius frowned at Remus. "What the hell? Why did you give me a gardening book, Moony?"

James and Lily continued flinging objects at him.

"If our friendship is a plant, Padfoot, then the plant is dead! The plant has been burnt and cut into mulch! Then, a dog has come along and vomited all over it, then pissed on it repeatedly!"

"Thanks for the graphic detail, Prongs, mate," Sirius spoke unpleasantly, ducking from another jug.

"Padfoot, read another quote," Remus advised. Sirius sighed, flicked to another page, and read another line.

"The most precious of all possessions is a wise and loyal friend." Sirius scoffed at the cheesiness.

"Then I must have no precious possessions at all!" James yelled, trying to pick up one of the common room chairs and use that to hurt his friend. Sirius swiftly rushed to another page and spotted another line.

"Without confidence, there is no friendship," Sirius said uncertainly. Remus shook his head, showing his feeling that the quote wasn't one of the most well-advised to read out.

"You're so bloody confident that you've got your head up your own arse!" Lily shouted. Sirius was highly offended, but read aloud another line to try and save himself.

"Trust first in those who say - 'I made a mistake'." Sirius looked desperately at James and Lily, with much intent. Sirius smiled as he could feel the couple giving in; at least, maybe after a few more thrown objects.

"Shut up, Sirius!" Lily noticed his technique of making them feel guilty was working. She quickly picked up a fire poker from the fireplace and grinned maliciously. Sirius squeaked and backed away as Lily admired the poker in her grip.

"Hmm, maybe this will make you learn your lesson, what do you think James, eh?" Lily smiled evilly.

"I say, poke away," James growled, finding Lily holding a fire poker extremely sexy, adding along to another one of his dirty fantasies. Remus looked at his friends in horror and quickly grabbed the quotations book from Sirius. He searched for the right page that he would think would stop his friends.

"Plotting revenge only allows the people to hurt you longer!" Remus said, headstrong. He watched as Lily and James stopped walking towards Sirius, however the fire poker was still gripped ferociously in Lily's hand. Remus stood in front of Sirius protectively and stared hard at the couple.

"Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still likes you," Remus read from the page, shutting the book, and looking up at them. "You know all about me," Remus spoke to James, referring to his secret of being a werewolf, "And you still like me, right?"

The almighty furious expression on James' features quickly disappeared, turning into one of a smile and a shaking head; Remus had picked the perfect line to save Sirius. It was dirty trick, but he'd forgive him.

"Course I like you, you berk!" James gave him a bear hug, patting him on the back. "Good save," he told Remus, who smiled feebly. Lily put the fire poker back and shook her head at Remus, though a smile was tugging at her lips.

"Padfoot," James sighed. "You can come out now." Sirius was hiding behind the couch, rocking back and forth, mumbling about fire pokers.

"You're not going to hurt me?" Sirius asked uncertainly from behind the furniture.

"No, you better thank Moony and that sly book of his," James said moodily.

"I always knew books would save the day," Remus smiled with satisfaction, proudly holding the book against his chest. Hesitantly, Sirius popped his head from behind the couch and rested it on top of the furniture; this looked oddly scary, as if he were beheaded and his head were resting casually on top of the couch as Sirius licked the remaining Firewhiskey from his cheek. The others watched how far his tongue could stretch until Lily could no longer take anymore.

"Sirius, will you stop that. Its vile," Lily commented. Sirius finally got up from his hiding place and went over to them, instead hiding behind Remus in case James and Lily suddenly went hysterical.

"Padfoot, I'll forgive you once you free our hands, so just do it," James told him in a stern tone. Sirius portrayed a worried gaze.

"I don't actually know the reverse spell off by heart," Sirius explained weakly. James and Lily clenched their fists. "But, don't worry! The book I used is upstairs in the dorm! I'll just go get it now!" Sirius strained a smile, before running up the common room stairs, two steps at a time.

"Wow, we're finally going to be freed," Lily said, trying to make her voice sound relieved and happy, but ended up sounding tight and choked. James and Lily watched strangely as Remus tried to 'inconspicuously' move across the common room to leave them to talk alone. The boy looked simply odd as he moved across the room to chat with Peter, moving like a crab as he held a book in front of his face as if he were reading. This might have been believable if the book wasn't upside down.

"Er, Moony, watch out for that-"

"Bugger," Remus blurted as he collided with a table in his discreet moving. Slowly, he moved the book, displaying his cringing face behind it then laughed in embarrassment as James and Lily narrowed their eyes at him. Swiftly, he made his way over to Peter, prodding him with his wand to see if he was dead or not.

"Yeah, no more waking up to see your face," James chuckled, continuing back to the conversation. "I'm gonna miss that," he added with a serious face.

"I'll miss waking up to your chocolate covered mouth too," Lily laughed. "I suppose," she stated quietly, "we'll be going back to her own lives."

"What do you mean?" James eyed her. "You sound as if we're going to different countries or something."

"Your James Potter, I'm Lily Evans," Lily said matter-of-factly. James was about to answer with a 'well done captain-obvious' but Lily had carried on. "We have different, separate lives. We're not supposed to go together. We're supposed to hate each other," she reminded him.

"But we don't hate each other anymore," James pointed out.

"Yeah, but," Lily paused uncomfortably, pushing her hair out of her eyes, "we only became friends because our hands were stuck and we had to be civil with one another." She ended somewhat sadly, gazing at their glued hands with gloomy eyes.

"I thought we became friends because we like each other and passed all the hate. Maybe even more friends, if it wasn't for those bloody black fur balls- Crap, Malfoy moment there." He cringed.

Lily sighed in return. "I dunno, James…"

"What are you trying to say? That the minute we are freed we're supposed to go back to being enemies?"

"I suppose," Lily shrugged.

"I can't do that," James said, in a daring tenor. "I can't go back to hating you."

Lily looked down at her feet. "Ditto," she replied quietly.

They stood in uncomfortable silence, apart from the occasional sniff from Peter in the corner, with Remus handing him 'wizard size tissues' every few seconds. All of a sudden, they remembered that they were waiting for Sirius to return who'd been awfully long time to grab a book from the dorm.

"Sirius! For Christ's sake, what's taking you so long? You've been ten minutes!" James called from the common room.

Sirius heard the shout and tried to abruptly break away from a fellow fifth year girl that was kissing him. He'd got the teensiest bit distracted whilst walking up the common room stairs and was pounced on by a dark-haired girl, who's name hadn't been mentioned from her godly lips. He thoroughly admitted they were godly. He also strongly protests that she pounced on him and not the other way round.

"Sirius Black! Do you want me to come up there and stick a fire poker up your arse?" Lily yelled.

The girl finally broke part from him, giving him a suspicious look.

"Heh heh," Sirius chuckled nervously. "I gotta go, sorry doll…" He greatened his voice, "Don't worry Evans from the heavens! I'll just be a sec!"

The dark haired girl looked disappointed, but nonetheless slapped his bum on her exit back to her dorm. Sirius blinked several times, trying to think exactly what his purpose was to going up the common room stairs in the first place.

As if on cue, Remus shouted, "Sirius, get the book!"

"Book, yeah, the book," Sirius realised, entering the 'Marauder dorm'. He made his way over to his chest beside the bed where he'd placed the book days ago.

"Why's he taking so long?" Lily yawned.

"He probably got distracted by a girl," James guessed; a very accurate one. The fifth years finally heard the sound of someone walking down the stairs, and they sighed contently, thinking it was Sirius.

"Bloody hell," James swore loudly, glaring the on edge first year who made his appearance down the stairs. The first year glanced wearily at the peeved eyes that were on him, then slowly walked backwards up the staircase, feeling they did not want to be disturbed.

Again, they heard the sound of slow, hesitant footsteps going down the staircase. They moaned a sigh of satisfaction as it was Sirius who smiled nervously.

"Finally!" Remus said.

"Sorry I took so long," Sirius apologized.

"Yeah, whatever, just hand over the book," Lily ordered tiredly, holding out her hand.

"…"

James and Lily gave Sirius a deadly look of horror as they realised something: Sirius' hands were empty.

"Ya know: I'm feeling hungry! I think I'll just go on a little trip to the kitchens for a snack and-"

"_Sirius_-"

"-So you guys are feeling fine now then? No more nap attacks? That's lovely!" Sirius attempted to change the subject, which worked for a few seconds.

"Oh yeah," Lily answered. "Maybe the side effects worn off, right Remus? I wonder why the chocolate did that. It was strange. And how they--_hey_, wait a minute," Lily realised as she'd forgotten about the subject at hand.

"Sirius, where is the book?" James demanded slowly.

Sirius bit his nails nervously. "Uh, well, ya see. It's kind of, er…gone." He whispered, sprinting back over to Remus, peeking over his shoulder.

"YOU LOST IT?" James and Lily screamed in unison.

"Bursting ear drums..." Peter mumbled as he laid on the floor, with his eyes shut.

"I am going to pick out your eyes with a corkscrew," James said venomously, trying to force himself past Remus and pound Sirius to death with many pointy tools. Forks, Sporks, all the works.

"I think I'll go get that fire poker now," Lily said hysterically.

"Padfoot," Remus put a hand to Lily's and James' faces, forcing them back. "How did you lose the book?" he said madly.

"I didn't lose it. I put it in the chest beside my bed and I looked now and it was gone!" Sirius protested, hiding further and further behind Remus.

"Wait, wait a sec," Remus said hurriedly, trying to keep James and Lily from Sirius who was whimpering. "That is it!" he snapped, grabbing at James and Lily's ears and pulling on them strongly.

"_Ooooow_!" Together, they screamed, as Remus pulled hardly on their ears, determined to not let them go into they calmed down.

"Guys, cool it," Remus commanded.

Meanwhile, Sirius was laughing in uproar at the dominating Remus pulling ears for torture, obviously something that was not regularly seen.

"Watch it, Padfoot, if I had a third hand then I would be pulling on yours too," Remus said menacingly. Immediately, Sirius shut up.

"Alright, alright! Let go!" James and Lily moaned, feeling their ears literally being pulled off their heads. Remus obligingly let go.

"Now, before you go all hysterical again, think about something," Remus told them. "The book is gone, right?"

"Well duh," the three answered, cowering at Remus' glare.

"Why is it gone?" Remus questioned.

Sirius put his hand in the air like a six year old in a classroom.

"I know, I know! Pick me!" Sirius said excitedly. The others gave him a strange look. "Because it was stolen," he answered smugly.

"Yes, it was stolen. The question is: by who?"

The fifth years stood in silence, pondering the question before James made a frustrated groan and started storming towards the exit of the common room, Lily dragged in tow.

-------------

"James, how do you even know it was Snape?" Lily said tiredly, as she was pulled by James towards the library. James had explained to her his one suspicion on who it could be,; the answer was Snape and could _only _be him. There could be no other suspects in his mind. The rest of the marauders obediently followed.

"It just has to be Snape, okay?" James replied, not fully justifying a reason.

"Only Snivellus could be behind something so sick," Sirius agreed, to get back in James' good books and also because Snape was dark character.

"You have no evidence!" Remus reminded them, trying to keep up with James furious stomping.

"It must've been Snivellus," Peter accorded; he was contently happy that he wasn't being trying to murdered by the couple. "There's no one else it could've been. He must've been the one to control those bludgers somehow, and the poisoned drink too."

"But you have no evidence," Remus protested again.

"Screw evidence," James replied bitterly, and made a sound of satisfaction as they'd arrived at the library.

"Why do you think he could be in here?" Lily asked.

"You snow Snivellus, he reads a lot about those dark arts," James said resentfully, about to open the door, but was stopped by Lily.

"James, you do remember that we're banned from here, right?" she reminded him, "Remember? The whole 'accio books' thing?"

"Oh yeah," he recalled, wincing. "I'm sure Madam Pince didn't really mean it," the others looked at him unconvinced, "and if she did, we'll just try and sneak in silently," he added.

James slowly pushed open the door, popping his head through the gap. The library had somehow been cleaned up and refurnished from all the toppled bookcases, piles of books that had been standing like mountains, and there were also no traces of flying pages swirling in tornadoes. He glanced over at Madam Pince who's back was facing them, currently petting books, then placing them on to the bookshelves. James quickly signalled to the group as they tiptoed over to a secluded part of the library which was cloistered by bookshelves - unfortunately, occupied by Snape who was sitting, quietly reading .

"Just the thief I wanted to see."

Snape glanced up from reading his book and shut it, looking snide. "Oh great," he remarked. "Potter and his groupies."

"We're not groupies!" Sirius protested, then whispered to Peter "What are groupies?"

"Don't they sleep with the band?" Peter answered.

"But we're not in a band," Sirius murmured back.

"No matter how much I'd love to hear Black and Pettigrew somehow prove the theory that little things do please little minds, why exactly are you here?" Snape asked menacingly.

"This is a public place," Lily couldn't help but mention.

"Not public enough for mudbloods," he snorted. Remus had to strongly hold James back from beating him with a heavy book.

"Not public enough for greasy haired slime balls," Lily retorted, watching Snape quiver with anger.

"Look, Snivellus," James began. "I know you stole the book so just give it to me and you won't be hammered with literature."

"What are you talking about?" Snape questioned, folding his arms, looking bored, and unaffected by the threat.

"We know you stole the book from my chest so hand it over," Sirius commanded, closing in on Snape aggressively.

"I don't know what book you are referring to," Snape said icily. "Neither would I want to steal a book from you, knowing the only books you read would be comics or pornography."

"Oh yeah? You probably wank over dark arts book," Sirius laughed.

"Can we not talk about this," Lily said disgustedly , blocking her ears. Sirius seemed to find the conversation very interesting, but that was just him.

"Just hand the book over, Snivellus!" James ordered.

"I already told you," Snape stood up from his seat, glaring at the gyrffindors. "I don't have your stupid book."

"James," Remus held on his shoulder, "I think he's telling the truth," he said, something none of them wanted to hear.

"That would be a first," Sirius commented as Snape clenched his grasp on his wand.

"Look, Potter," Snape started venomously. "I don't have your book," he told the truth. "So I suggest you get your facts straight before you go off threatening someone. It could backfire on you," he warned.

"Threats only work for people who can carry them out." Sirius eyed him scathingly.

"Let's go," Lily interrupted, not wanting to be present in fight that might happen. "He doesn't have the book, so let's just go," she advised. Remus nodded agreement and dragged Sirius by the elbow, while Lily pulled James away from Snape's gaze. As they walked away, their back's to Snape, Snape decided to mention something on their exit:

"I do know who stole the book though." The revelation was announced in a casual manner, as Sirius examined the dirt underneath his fingernails. At once, James stormed back over to him, startling Snape as James grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against a bookcase, while Lily helplessly watched.

"Don't piss around with me, Snivellus."

Snape scoffed in return.

"You _know _who took the book? _Who_?" Lily demanded hastily, hearing the sound of Madam Pince confusion at the sounds, where the woman would inevitably come over in a matter of seconds.

"What exactly do you want in return then?" Sirius asked Snape, not feeling his gratitude of telling them information would go un-rewarded.

"I don't want anything," Snape smiled insanely, "the mere look on your faces when I tell you is pure satisfaction to me."

"Go on then, you slimey git," James pressed, "Who took it? Who stole it?"

"There's no need to spit on me," Snape snapped, wiping his face.

James was beginning to lose his patience. "WHO?" he yelled.

"Malfoy." Snape grinned malevolently.

Lily gaped openly; the book that could free them was in the hands of one of the most sinister people she had met. There would be no hope to separate their hands. They would have to go along with Sirius' idea of cutting them with a chainsaw after all.

James closed his eyes with annoyance at the Malfoy's name, then pushed Snape away from him, unfortunately too hard as Snape toppled backwards into a bookcase. The fifth years watched in horror as the bookcases fell one by one, somehow falling into more bookcases as they all collapsed. They shrieked as the books tumbled towards them.

"This seems familiar!" Lily shouted to James, as they wormed their way through the piles of books that were forming. Remus looked on the verge of tears as the books fell discarded to the floor. The books never deserved to go through so much torment.

"OH, for the love of Merlin! NOT AGAIN!" Madam Pince screamed as she was suffocated with books that flew off the shelves. Swiftly, the fifth years made their exit, leaving Snape to drown in a mountain of literature.

--------------

"James! James, calm down!" Remus tried to make his friend regain self-control, which would be unlikely to happen, as James was livid. Instead, James only quickened his pace to the Slytherins common room, along with Lily who also had to quicken her pace so not to flat on her arse.

"James," Lily tugged on his arm, forcing him to stop, "He said it was Malfoy, but how do we know? He could by lying," she suggested.

Unfortunately, James ignored her, walking again. "I can't believe I didn't think of him before!"

"Well, I did say it was Malfoy," Sirius lied, holding a smug face.

"You didn't say that," Peter argued.

"But I did think it," Sirius fibbed.

"Look, Prongs, even if Malfoy did steal the book, why don't we just tell a professor? Tell Dumbledore, he'd get the book off him and then no one would get hurt," Remus said, stopping directly in front of James to try and block his walking. This only resulted in James colliding into Remus, both cursing in pain, then James simply walking around him.

"That takes too long," James said hastily.

Remus sighed, giving up trying to stop James who was practically jogging to the Slytherin common to break every bone in Malfoy's pale body. Lily and the marauders finally turned up to Slytherin common room minutes later, where Malfoy and a group of other Slytherins were chatting and laughing humorously on their way to entering the portrait. The laughing stopped when their eyes landed on the Gryffindors, as though they were uninvited guests to their party.

"Malfoy," James greeted the blonde icily, a fair distance between them. He kept a fair distance away from Malfoy at first, trying desperately to stop himself from running up to him and pulling his blonde hair off and using it to cover the cushions of the Gryffindor common room. The Slytherins protectively guarded Malfoy.

"James Potter," Malfoy replied with feigned surprise. "Did you take the wrong turning? This is Slytherin teritory," he growled.

"You didn't seem to care about the Gryffindor territory when you somehow broke into our dorm and stole a possession," James snapped.

"How did you do it then, Malfoy?" Sirius questioned. "Bully a first year into telling you the password? Or did you somehow sink lower than that?"

Malfoy smiled evilly. "Good guess, Black," he congratulated him, running a hand through his light hair. "I do believe I am becoming too predictable. Next time I will just use a first year under the imperius curse," he proposed.

"I suppose you were the one controlling the bludgers too, then?" Lily accused him. "And the one who poisoned my water?"

"Whatever, Evans," Malfoy shot her a disgusted look. "I was not the genius who thought of that brilliant, but unsuccessful, plan to kill you with rogue bludgers. And poisoning you with tampered water? I'd rather get a hold of you and force poison down your throat instead," he ended menacingly.

"How was detention with the nifflers then, Malfoy?" James arched an eyebrow mischievously. "Did a niffler bite you in the arse again? What colour pants are you wearing today? Yellow?"

Malfoy looked immediately uncomfortable and reddened, scowling at his sniggering Slytherin friends.

"Your dormitory is disgustingly filthy," Malfoy commented, avoiding the subject of the nifflers. "And your common room? I never seen any room so tasteless. Your dormitory is similar to the standards of a pig sty." He smirked, and his friends laughed on command.

"Why did you take the book, Malfoy?" Remus asked, glaring at him.

"Well, Lupin," Malfoy began, "That is an interesting question. I never intended to find the book. I merely went to your dorm to discover any interesting objects. There was nothing interesting under the piles of junk," he said sneeringly. "But, then, I found the book. It was mystifying. So mysterious. No title, no name, yet it...beckoned me," Malfoy remembered. Sirius frowned at this information, remembering how he felt when he discovered the book.

"The second I opened, all the pages were blank, but then... it stopped on one page. The page of the last spell cast. The spell that was used on you and Evans," Malfoy grinned maliciously to James. Sirius cowered slightly as Lily and James glared at him fully.

"I take it you do not know the reverse spell?" Malfoy assumed, looking at James and Lily. Their silence of not answering only made the blonde Slytherin cackle.

"Cut this bullshit, Malfoy," James said harshly, grabbing his wand and pointing it fiercely at the Slytherin. "Hand the book over. _Now_."

"You mean, this book?" Malfoy said mockingly, conjuring the book from his wand where it appeared in his hand. The fifth years watched the glowing book. "You seem to really want it," he sneered.

"Don't make me call the nifflers, Malfoy, one whistle and they could be running over here and ripping your face off," James threatened. He smirked at Malfoy's frown, as the looked abruptly nervous.

"Your pitiful, pathetic intimidation is humorous," the blonde remarked.

"How's your nose, Malfoy? Do you keep far away from the trees now?" Sirius mocked as Malfoy clutched his nose, remembering the moment in the forest where Sirius swung back the branch that hit him with such force.

"Is the memory still painful?" Sirius leered.

"_Shut up_," Malfoy snapped, and Sirius laughed as he'd thoroughly struck a nerve. "I think I've had enough of your company now," he announced with superiority.

Lily swallowed. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"You're _boring _me. I've had enough of this." Malfoy yawned as he tossed the book in the air and caught it. He watched James and Lily's intent gaze on the book, an idea springing to him. "I wonder what happen if this book happened to be damaged in any way…The book you so pathetically need. What a shame it would be." Malfoy finished, slamming the book the floor. He swiftly pointed his wand the book, shouting a powerful burning spell at the book, which immediately ignited.


	20. The long end of an extremely random fic

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 20**

"NO!" James and Lily cried in unison, gaping as they watched the book erupt with flames before their very eyes; the book that held the clue of freeing their hands was being barbequed to a crisp.

"Do something!" Lily shouted to James, as she watched the book burn in the passing seconds, while Malfoy cackled at the sight of the panicked Gryffindors. Quickly, James used his wand, crying out any type of spell he could think of to stop the fire, involving water or any freezing spells, yet nothing worked. Whatever spell Malfoy used was too powerful or too protected, and, much to their despair, they watched the book burn to smithereens.

Sirius _tried_ to help, great emphasis on the word _'tried'_. He thought by stomping on the book that the fire would suddenly die out. It didn't, and only caught Sirius' foot on fire.

"AAAH!" Sirius wailed, running around helplessly with an ignited foot. He tried shaking it as surrounding students screamed around him; they were screaming because he was hopping unstably towards them on one foot. Finally Remus had the common sense to help Sirius out by using a water spell from his wand, and pointed it to Sirius' foot. Sirius sighed contently as the fire sizzled out.

Meanwhile, James and Lily walked slowly over to the book, while Malfoy snickers, admiring their broken faces. Lily, on the verge of tears, bent down and held the book in her hand, flicking through the pages that were scorned black. Whilst Lily was just thoroughly upset, James was hysterically wrathful.

In one swift, harsh move, Lily was tugged roughly by James as he stepped up to Malfoy and punched him in the face. The startled Malfoy fell backwards to the floor, as though he'd just been stunned by a spell.

"I'm going to kill you, Malfoy!" James jumped on the boy who looked up in terror. Lily was helplessly pulled along as James smacked Malfoy in the face and stomach again and again. Immediately, Malfoy's Slytherin body guards went to defence mode, not using physical violence, instead getting wands out to stun James and the rest of the Gryffindors.

"Bloody great," Remus said bitterly, as he dragged Peter to the floor to avoid the hexes that were aimed at them.

"On no you don't!" Sirius tripped up a Slytherin that was intending to help Malfoy.

"Stupid," James hit Malfoy's eye, "stuck-up", James hit Malfoy's nose, "twat!" he roared, as he kneed Malfoy in the groin. Malfoy wailed painfully; it seemed as if Malfoy was good with words and spells, but didn't seem to match up in a muggle fight.

"James, please, can we just end this fighting?" Lily begged, kneeling on the floor as she tugged on James' hand. James, however, was too livid to answer, beating Malfoy with his free fist of fury.

"_Expelliarmus_!" Sirius yelled happily.

The Slytherin fell backwards, their wand flying out of reach. Sirius grinned, "I love fights, don't you, Moony?" He dove to the ground, avoiding a stunning spell.

"Sure," Remus answered uncertainly, trying to block his spells with the shield of a book cover. He yelped as an attacking spell hit directly at the book, cutting it in half making the pages fly everywhere.

"That was _Hogwarts: A History_!" Remus yelled at the Slytherin in disbelief. The Slytherin cowered as they watched Remus go red with madness. "Why you little- _STUPEFY_!" He pointed his wand directly at them and they went rigid as they hit the floor.

"That's the spirit, Moony," Sirius said cheerfully, patting him on the back. Remus groaned in return.

"You really do have a bad influence on me, Padfoot," he sighed. Suddenly he spotted another Slytherin getting to his feet, about to curse James from behind. "_Furnunclus_!" Remus blurted out. "Argh, dammit!" he cursed himself for still involving himself in the fight which he should've been drying to halt.

"Moony, I'm proud of you! I've taught you well." Sirius aimed his wand at another unlucky Slytherin, "_Avis_!"

"What the-AAAAH!" The Slytherin screamed, his face suddenly attacked by a flock of birds; very angry birds. He screamed as the birds tried pecking his eyes out, clawing at his clothes and plopping bird poop in all directions.

"I love that spell," Sirius commented.

"Moronic," James smacked Malfoy's jaw, "blood racist," James hit his other eye, "worm!" He pelted him in the stomach.

"James, stop it!" Lily was clearly upset by the situation as she attempted to hold him back. "I hate him as much as you do for what he's done but trying to kill him won't solve anything! It'll only get you locked up in Azkaban!"

"Listen to the mudblood," Malfoy managed to mumble with a bleeding lip. At that remark, James immediately socked him in the nose.

"Azkaban isn't nice, James. No more bacon every morning!" Lily shot at tempting James away from the violence. James seemed a little hesitant after the mention of no bacon, but then got back to his senses and carried on hurting Malfoy whose face, which had been pale, was now covered in bruises and blood.

"PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!" Peter shrieked, as he sat scrunched in a ball. Ever since the fight had started, he'd been yelping Mcgonagall's name as if she would suddenly appear at his call. "PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!" he screamed again. "PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL! PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL! PROF-"

"Peter!" Lily grabbed the boy by the neck, her opposite arm jerking every time James' fist connected with Malfoy's face. "Instead of shouting her name, go bloody get her!"

Peter scrambled to his feet and nodded obediently, running down the corridor screaming the professor's name. Lily sighed tiredly, ducking as fierce spells zoomed over here, still struggling to calm down James who was pumping like a never-ending Hogwarts Express.

All of a sudden, she heard the sound of growling from behind her. At first, she thought it was Sirius. However, she glanced to her side and discovered Sirius, battling with a giant Slytherin, and cursing loudly as he said the wrong spell, instead conjuring a bouquet of flowers. Lily spun her head round, and James turned as well, to see what she was looking at whilst he was still sitting on Malfoy.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, this is ridiculous," Lily complained.

She didn't know how or when the four nifflers had escaped from the common room, but somehow they had managed to find them outside the Slytherin common room. Lily came to the conclusion that they must have had some sort of freaky sixth sense. A few days ago she wouldn't have believed in a sixth sense, but now, seeing the four nifflers before her, again wearing underwear but this time of dragon skinned thongs, she would believe anything. As James gave the creatures an odd look, he turned back round to Malfoy intending to carry on with his beating, but was unluckily punched in the nose by Malfoy, as he was not on guard.

"Lucky punch, Malfoy," James grumbled, clutching his nose. Grinning maliciously, he thought of a sudden idea. He quickly turned Malfoy's face to a shiny silver, and faced the four nifflers. "Get him, boys!" he commanded, pointing to Malfoy's head. The nifflers growled happily as they ran towards him, pouncing on Malfoy's face with their black paws.

"OH GOD-NO!" Malfoy yelped as the nifflers attacked him eagerly. The creatures tugged at his face, trying to pull of facial features and rip off his blonde hair.

"Good nifflers!" Sirius congratulated them. The few Slytherins that remained were now backing away from Sirius in fear. He'd already attacked their fellow house mates with birds, fire, growing goofy teeth and covered them with boils.

"C'mon! Who wants a piece of Sirius Black!"

They all shook their heads and pointed accusing fingers at each other.

"Hey, you there," Sirius pointed to a chubby black-haired Slytherin. The boy scowled at him in return. "What do you think of Professor Mcgonagall?" Sirius questioned him. The Slytherin gave him a strange look, wondering why he was asking such a random question but nonetheless answered.

"She's a bitch."

Sirius burst with anger. "Wrong answer, buddy!" He pointed his wand to the boy's clothes and yelled, "_Evanesco_!"

The boy yelped as he was suddenly naked, privates on display, unfortunately for everyone to see. He promptly ran inside the Slytherin common room.

"That's right, flabby! Run! Don't ever insult my Minerva ever again!" Sirius shook his fist after him.

Meanwhile, Remus was busy crawling on his feet trying to pick up the pages that had been ripped from his _Hogwarts:A History. _

_"Locomotor!" _Remus shouted at a careless Slytherin who had nearly stepped their filthy foot on one of the pages. The girl froze as her legs suddenly locked together, making her fall flat on her face. "So regardless..." Remus muttered, picking up another page, gasping as the page portrayed a dark, muddy shoe print.

"Alright! Who's shoe is this?" he shouted, looking accusingly at the petrified line up of Slytherins. All of them anxiously checked their shoes, and all of them breathing a sigh of relief, except for one. The unlucky brunette screamed hysterically as he discovered that his shoe print matched the one on the page. He suddenly ran off down the corridor before Remus could curse him.

"Die," James punched Malfoy in the stomach, "er, I ran out of insults," he said disappointedly, but punched Malfoy in the stomach again for good luck.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS GOING ON?"

The booming voice came from Professor McGonagall as she advanced down the corridor towards them. Trailing behind her was a proud Peter who was looking extremely smug that he'd found the professor so quickly; so quickly he'd took at least twenty minutes to find her. Some of the Slytherins were even glad at the professor's presence so she could stop Sirius carrying on with his fun of cursing them.

"Minerva! Finally you're here! I-"

"Oh, Black, be quiet!" McGonagall cut him off.

"Yes, Miss," Sirius replied obediently.

McGonagall turned her gaze on the random students that were sprawled across the floor; oe with a burnt hole on his buttocks, a girl flat on her face whilst her feet were joint together, a boy covered in boils in all areas, and one who laid unconscious, while a herd of birds pecked at him.

McGonagall sighed, "I need a holiday..."

"I suggest a honeymoon with yours truly to the sunny Spain?" Sirius suggested. Mcgonagall looked daggers at him, which made him quickly rethink not to tell her how dashing she would look in a bikini. Mcgonagall finally turned her gaze to the sound of pummelling. She frowned as she spotted James pelting Malfoy's stomach whilst Lily kneeled at his side, now looking bored and restless. It seemed as if James hadn't stopped trying to murder Malfoy, even if the professor was present.

"MR. POTTER! Get off him NOW!" Mcgonagall commanded.

James seemed oblivious to her shouting order, no matter how loud it was, and continued pounding Malfoy.

"_Impedimenta_!" Mcgonagall yelled, pointing her wand at James. He flew backwards, unfortunately along with Lily. They skidded across the floor, rubbing their grazed bottoms.

"This whole being stuck together thing, I will never get use to," Lily commented grimly, highly annoyed that she had been Impedimenta-ed in the process along with James.

"My goodness, why are these four nifflers in the corridor?" Mcgonagall questioned, scowling at the nifflers with much dislike. They had been growling as they tried ripping off the blonde Slytherin's hair, but one look at the professor and they were gone in a blink of an eye. The nifflers made a frightened squeak at her appearance, then sprinted down the corridor back to the Gryffindor common room, as fast as their furry black paws could take them.

"I seem to have that affect on people," Mcgongall accidentally said aloud, relating to the nifflers fear of the professor herself, which was something many students could relate to. "You students," Mcgonagall pointed to a few remaining, barely standing Slytherins, "get those injured to the Hospital Wing."

They sent her a frown at being told what to do by a Gryffindor teacher, but obediently nodded, picking up the unconscious, including Malfoy.

"You five," Mcgonagall said icily to the fifth year Gryffindors, "my office. Now."

"Oh shi-"

"Language, Black."

---------

"On no," Sirius muttered.

The fifth years followed behind a harassed Professor Mcgonagall to her office; it was like walking the funeral march to inevitable death.

"What do you mean 'oh no?'" Lily mumbled back, wincing as Mcgonagall glanced back at her with suspicion.

"She's going to do the biscuits thing," James explained to her.

"What?" Lily hissed.

"If she offers us biscuits the second we get in her office, she is exceptionally pissed," Sirius explained.

Remus groaned. "Not the biscuits theory…"

"I don't even like her biscuits. They're ginger. I hate ginger," James said sullenly. "But I must be forced to eat them."

"Why don't you just _not _eat one," Lily suggested. The four boys gasped.

"You can't _not _eat one. Never refuse a biscuit off Mcgonagall. _Never_," James said in a low whisper.

"I like biscuits," Peter said happily.

"Wormtail, you like any biscuits. You like any food," Remus pointed out. "You would eat me if there was a possible threat of starvation."

"Mmm, Moony," Sirius spoke tastefully, imagining chomping on one of Remus' limbs. "I'd imagine you would be a little chewy, with not much meat, but you would add intelligence to the person who devours you."

"Are you talking about _eating Remus_? Boys have the strangest conversations," Lily commented. She was about to ask Sirius an odd question of what he thought she would taste like, but they'd already arrived at Mcgonagall's office, otherwise known as the Room Of Doom.

------------------

"Have a biscuit," Mcgonagall ordered the fifth years, shoving the tartan tin in front of their noses. Lily immediately shot the boys a worried glance; biscuits equalled trouble.

"Um, I don't really," Lily started, but was stomped on the foot by James who was pleading to her to just take one. "-Uh, sure!" Uncertainly, Lily grabbed a ginger newt. The boys followed in suit.

"Mmm," James said unconvincingly, with his mouth full. "Yummy."

"Ginger newts," Peter sang, grabbing a biscuit and munching it in his mouth with one chew, followed by one swallow. "Ginger neeeeewts." He munched on another biscuit. "Giiinnnngerrr neeeewts," he yodelled, ingesting another biscuit. He paused at his final ginger newt when he was aware that all eyes in the room were on him. Mcgonagall swiftly took the tartan tin away from him before he unsuccessfully serenaded any longer.

"What on earth do you think you were doing?" Mcgonagall interrogated the group. The five sat in their uncomfortable seats, funnily enough, feeling uncomfortable.

"Of course, I exclude you, Pettigrew and Evans," Mcgonagall said understandingly. They smiled nervously back at her. "But not you, Potter. I was disgusted to see you causing physical violence to a member of the Hogwarts school family."

"No bloody way am I related to Malfoy!" James replied, frowning at the words of 'school family'.

"It's an expression," Mcgonagall said. "This school needs to stick together as community. There should be no hate between houses, everyone needs to be civil with each other."

"Malfoy stole something from our common room!" Sirius exploded.

"If Malfoy committed a crime of theft, then you should have told me or Professor Dumbledore," Mcgonagall replied, shooting him a dark look for raising his voice at her. Sirius cringed at Remus who looked peeved as his earlier advice about telling a teacher had been greatly ignored.

"And Mr. Lupin," Mcgonagall noticed the eye contacts between the boys. "I am very disappointed in you especially. You are a _prefect_," she reminded him, and Remus guiltily lowered in his chair. "I was extremely shocked to hear a student crying because apparently you were about to curse him for stepping on a page of a book."

"It was Hogwarts: A history..." Remus murmured sulkily.

"I don't care what book it was!" Mcgonagall snapped. Remus gaped at her careless attitude for erudition. "I don't care if it was the entire collection of the adventures of Martin Miggs! I don't care if it was the last book in the wizarding world!" Remus gasped. "We do not tolerate that kind of behaviour in Gryffindor House, or in fact, this school. Of course, Lupin, you only had the intentions of hurting another student. Potter actually caused affliction." Mcgonagall glared at James. Remus kept quiet about boiling a Slytherin's body and gluing another's legs. The professor clearly was oblivious, although Sirius was elbowing him in the side, grinning, which looked highly suspicious.

"It was self defence," James objected.

"That's your excuse to everything," Lily mumbled to him.

"It is not self defence when you attacked Mr. Malfoy first," Mcgonagall pointed out fiercely.

"But he destroyed our book! The book that we need to free our hands, _professor_!"

Mcgonagall sighed. "That doesn't excuse your behaviour. Once I think of a suitable punishment, then I will discipline you."

"Is the word 'punishment' a codeword for 'torture'?" Sirius asked politely.

"You never know, Black," Mcgonagall replied, "it may involve nifflers or even bowtruckles."

"Yip-de-doo," Sirius said in the most unenthusiastic voice.

"Lupin, I could strip away your prefect privileges," Remus abruptly turned white, "but I won't." Remus made a sigh of relief, although he was a little annoyed Mcgonagall had built up the tension. "I know your behaviour was probably influenced by others." Mcgongall stared at Sirius.

"Oh yeah, blame the good looking one!" Sirius folded his arms in a mood.

"Oh Merlin," Mcgongall pressed her fingers to the temples of her head. "Back to your common room," she ordered. The fifth years swiftly stood up and ran towards the door.

"Uh, professor, could I have-"

"No, Pettigrew, there are no more ginger newts left."

---------------

Sirius was running around the common room in circles as a swarm of bowtruckles were attacking his face, while Remus and Peter followed closely behind, trying to tempt them away with woodlice.

The group of fifth years had arrived back at the common room after their cheery conversation with Mcgonagall. James and Lily had sat on one couch in depression ever since. Whereas Sirius had carried on with his pants hunt that quidditch player Rachel had set him, and found a pair of pants stuffed in a cushion. However, somehow bowtruckles had been placed inside, not at all happy being disturbed.

"Uurgh, woodlouse on me!" Lily squirmed as a Remus had thrown an extremely bad throw, instead aiming at Lily's head where the woodlouse was now nestling in her red hair. "Get it out, get it out!"

James sighed, then gently placed his hands through Lily's hair and picked out the bug that was threatening to harm her; as so she claimed. He stared at the woodlouse.

"Wow. For one second there, I forgot that Malfoy had burned the book that would tell us how to separate our hands and that we will be stuck together for the rest of lives."

"Really," Lily replied gloomily. "Good for you."

Sirius panted as he walked over to the upset couple. The boys had somehow managed to get rid of the bowtruckles by locking them in a trunk with the help of the woodlice, although Sirius' face was now covered in scratches and cuts due to the bowtruckles extremely sharp claws.

"If you've come over here for pity, then you can bugger off," James snapped.

"_Prooonngs_," Sirius moaned, putting an arm over his shoulder, hitting Lily in the process. She did not sincerely like being knocked in the head. "I said I was sorry," he apologized.

"Sorry!" Lily screamed. "You're _sorry_! We could be stuck like this for the rest of our lives! And it's all your bloody fault, you stupid imbecile!"

"Is it 'Pick on Sirius' Day, or something?" Sirius questioned, looking glum. "Look, I did it for both of you, you should know."

Lily scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"You guys are practically made for each other! I was trying to make you both realise that you need to get together, marry and make me your best man, and shag and have shaggy haired babies with green eyes!"

"Shut up, Sirius," James and Lily said unison, blushing and the thought of congressing with each other.

"You can't plan someone's life out for them," Lily said.

"Whatever, carry on being in denial," Sirius rolled his eyes, changing the subject. "Anyways, do you want to celebrate?"

"Celebrate what," Lily gritted through her teeth.

"I found my last pair of underpants! My last one! In your face, Rachel!" Sirius called across the common room, to the girl sitting with her friends. She scoffed in response.

"No you haven't! There's still one left," Rachel replied smugly.

"Oh," Sirius looked highly disappointed. "Well, do you guys want to celebrate finding my second-to-last underpants?" he asked James and Lily. They glowered at him. "I'll get some firewhiskey and-"

"Sirius, do excuse us if we don't feel like getting hammered at this appropriate time," James interrupted.

"I'm never drinking alcohol again," Lily reminded the boys, remembering the Hogsmeade incident and how she would never go near a drink of firewhiskey, or even butterbeer, or _even _orange juice.

"Fine!" Sirius said. "Me, Moony, and Wormtail, will celebrate by ourselves whilst you two sulk." He dragged Remus and Peter by the arms and stormed upstairs with them to their dorm.

"Stupid tit," James and Lily mumbled.

-----------

"Padfoot, are we actually going to get drunk? Or shall I say: you get drunk," Remus corrected himself, as he laid back on his bed of their dormitory.

"The plan's all messed up," Sirius said moodily, laying on the floor as he stared at the ceiling.

Peter leaned against the dormitory door, looking confused. "What plan?"

"The plan to get Prongs and Lily together! They're both in bloody denial. And Prongs is pissed at me because of the whole losing-the-book-to-Malfoy thing."

"Did you even read the reverse spell?" Remus asked desperately.

"Sure I did," Sirius lied, and Remus sighed, seeing through the fib quickly.

Peter widened his eyes as he heard someone climbing the staircase. "I can hear someone coming," he told the boys.

"Shit! It could be Prongs and Lily!" Sirius jumped to his feet. "We have to hide!"

"Hide? Why hide?" Peter questioned in bewilderment. Sirius looked at him dumbly.

"Because they can come in here and then we can eavesdrop on their conversation!"

Remus groaned. "Do I have to explain the meaning of the word 'privacy' again?"

"Moony, c'mon," Sirius begged, dragging him by the arm towards the wardrobe in their dorm. "We can hide in the wardrobe," he explained.

"What? Are you insane? James' invisibility cloak is on his bed, why not use that?" Remus questioned distraughtly.

"You know James has got that freaky sixth sense thing. He can sense somebody in the room wearing it," Sirius explained.

"But that's impossible," Remus protested.

"Just trust me, Moony! Wormtail, you hide under the cloak," Sirius advised, pushing Remus into the wardrobe where he joined him.

Peter obediently shut them inside, noticing the anxious look on Remus' face at being locked in somewhere so tiny with such a loud person, all before Remus could suggest that he be the one to hide under the cloak. Peter grabbed the cloak and threw it over himself as he sat on his bed, keeping perfectly silent, as the person whose footsteps belonged to, entered the dorm quietly with a malicious grin. The stranger sat on James' bed, silently waiting.

---------------

Meanwhile, James and Lily were still sitting in front of the common room fire.

"Maybe we could burn our hands separate. It seemed to work wonders to the book," Lily suggested, gazing at the different colours of the flames.

"I don't want my skin melted," James replied.

They both sighed dramatically, until they heard of a growling, obviously meaning the four nifflers entrance. The two had gotten used to the sound, so weren't as startled. However, they weren't prepared for the nifflers to suddenly pounce on them, digging their claws into the sleeves of their arms and trouser legs.

"What are you doing, you stupid animals!" James yelled, his trouser leg pulled forcefully by the teeth of a niffler.

"C'mon, niffler Remus, get off me," Lily asked, politely as possible, bent down as a niffler had locked their mouth on to the sleeve of her jumper. The nifflers only growled more and pulled them more furiously.

"Is it just me, or are they leading us somewhere?" James questioned . They both realised that the nifflers seemed to be dragging them towards the staircase of common room. They stumbled as the nifflers pulled them more urgently, now hauling them up step by step with their sharp teeth.

"OW, you're pulling my leg off!" James exclaimed, making a point to the creature that it was not pulling his clothing anymore, but his actual leg. They staggered as the nifflers draggled them towards the 'Marauder Dorm', nudging them to go inside.

"Freaky black furry things," James grumbled.

"Are the nifflers trying to tell us something interesting is in there?" Lily guessed, getting annoyed as the nifflers were head butting her leg and threatening her with sharp teeth if she didn't enter the dorm very soon.

James shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe inside Sirius is pissed and vomiting into his own hair, whilst singing 'I'm a little tea pot', wearing only a kilt. Again."

Lily looked at him inquisitively.

"Last Halloween," James explained, sighing as he pushed open the door, with Lily following behind. They both looked startled to the unwelcome guest sitting on one of the beds.

"Amber? What the hell are you doing in here?" James demanded.

---------

"Did you hear that, Moony?" Sirius whispered, his ear pressed up to the wardrobe door.

"No, my ears seemed to be blocked with the tightness of this wardrobe."

"Amber's in our dorm!"

"Why are you whispering?" Remus demanded.

"I don't know!" Sirius murmured back, while Remus rolled his eyes; not that they could see because they'd both gotten into the wardrobe without their wands, so couldn't 'lumos' there way out of this dark and cramp situation. Remus would have brought his wand along, but he hadn't known the plan of being pushed forcefully into a wardrobe before Sirius had actually done it.

"Lets get out of here then," Remus suggested, "I want to know what's going on without being stuck up against you."

"You know you want me really, Moony," Sirius quipped. He moved his arm to the handle of the wardrobe, except there wasn't one from the inside.

"Uh oh," Sirius muttered.

Sirius had wished that his whispering could not be heard by Remus, but since Remus was so close to him, that was stupid wishful thinking.

"What? What's going on?"

"I think we're trapped in here," Sirius mumbled, pressing his hands to the sides of the wardrobe for some kind of secret panel that would get them out. This wasn't like in the movies.

"What do you mean you '_think_'?" Remus said madly.

"Okay, I _know_ we're trapped in here," Sirius noted.

-------------

"Amber, what are you doing in here?" James repeated.

The girl still sat silently as she swung her crossed legs over the bed, gazing at James with what could be recognized as longing. Maybe it was just the fact that Amber was bald, but she made him feel very uneasy.

"James," Amber breathed passionately, her eyes then landed on Lily. "Evans," she spat. Lily exchanged the glaring.

"Look, Amber, you do realise you're in the boys dorm, don't you?" James asked slowly.

"Of course I know, James," Amber murmured, standing to her feet and walking towards him and Lily. "I've been waiting for you."

"Why?" James said dreadfully, eyeing the girl who was appeared clearly hysterical and crazy.

"I wanted to ask if you'd figured something out," Amber said softly, now so close to James that she was tugging on the tie of his shirt. He pushed her hand away. Lily stood uncomfortable, scowling at Amber with much hatred.

"Figured out what?" James demanded. Amber looked startled at his abrupt push, but smiled nonetheless.

"Figured out who tried to get rid of..._her_," Amber spat, looking daggers at Lily. For some reason now, Lily felt fear. "The one who tried kill her with those bludgers. The poisoned water," she listed, "the potion."

James jaw dropped in disgust. "_You_!" he yelled in realisation. "It was _you_!"

Lily gasped, pressing a hand to her mouth in horror. She'd never even considered Amber to be threat. Unaware of doing so, she squeezed James' hand, who squeezed back.

"_How could you that_?" James bellowed, his voice laced with utter fury. "You nearly _killed_ her!"

"I did it for you, James!" Amber cried. She grabbed on to his shoulders, expecting a hug, but was again pushed away by his forceful arms. She fell to the floor, about to reach to grab James' legs, but he'd swiftly backed away.

"Get the hell away from me," James spat.

Lily stood, shaking. "Why did you do it? What have I ever done to you?" she asked, her eyes watering.

"You took him away from me, you stupid mudblood!" Amber roared, managing to stand. Lily bit her lip forcefully; she didn't want to fight her again; she was sick of all the fights.

"Amber, don't talk to her like that," James ordered.

"She deserved to _die_!" Amber said icily, pointing at Lily. "She split us up!"

"You dumped _me_! You're the one who broke up with _me_!" James shook his head angrily at her. "No one has the right to say someone deserves to die! _No one_!"

Amber started sobbing. "I made a mistake dumping you. I did it all for you, James," she whimpered.

"For me?" James repeated madly. "_For me_! You made me think I was going to die! And you nearly killed the girl I _care_ about_ so much_! What the _hell_ is wrong with you?"

Lily immediately looked at James at his words. He determinedly carried on glowering at Amber.

"I love you so much, James," Amber choked in between sobs.

"Well I _don't_ love you!" James bit back in a roar. "I love Lily!" He pointed at that shocked red head, glued to his hand beside him. James was a little startled himself by his blurting of words.

"What?" Lily breathed, looking at James with intent. He looked back at her uncomfortably, then turned back to Amber who was gawking with red, bloodshot eyes.

"Amber, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave the dorm now," James commanded. More tears rolled down her face as she stood determinedly pathetic. "If you don't want me to report you to Dumbledore, then I suggest you leave. _Now_."

Amber sobbed loudly, running out of the dorm and slamming the door shut.

James and Lily stood in silence.

"Did you really mean that?" Lily whispered, eyeing James with round eyes. He was about to answer but stopped, looking around the dorm suspiciously.

"Wait a second…" James suddenly stuck out his hand, waving it around the room as he tried to feel for something in the air.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked, following James as he walked round the dorm, feeling the air, which was an extremely strange action. James finally walked up to one of the beds, swiftly snatching the invisibility cloak from Peter who was gaping in shock. Peter squealed as he was revealed to them.

"Wormtail," James shook his head, "hiding under the invisibility cloak? I'm disappointed in you. Where's Padfoot and Moony?"

"Um," Peter shot a secret glance at the wardrobe, feeling the telepathic messages from Sirius saying 'LIE! LIE', and from Remus 'TELL THEM WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE! HELP MEEE!'

"Er, Sirius is currently trying to get in the girl's dorm," Peter lied, surprisingly rather well.

"Okay," James was satisfied with his explanation. "What about Remus?"

"He's trying to stop him," Peter fibbed, rather smug by his smart thinking.

"Okay, you can get out now," James said dismissively, pulling the boy to his feet and chucking him through the exit door. Peter rolled down the staircase, along with the four nifflers that had been knocked over with Peter's body.

"So..." Lily started, as they stood in awkward silence.

"Let's sit down?" James suggested, and Lily nodded her head, barely a millimetre, in her nervous state; James guessed this to be the answer of 'sure'. The two walked over to a bed and sat down, and James nervously ruffled his messy hair, whilst Lily wrapped a strand of hair around her finger. She cursed as the hair got caught around the finger, cutting off blood circulation and causing much pain.

"Bloody hair," Lily swore embarrassingly. James chuckled, softly placing his hand around her finger, untangling the strand of red hair. He looked at her with faraway eyes, something that was strange since she was sitting unbelievably close.

"Did you...er...really mean what you said? Or were you, just, trying to get Amber off your back," Lily said the latter sadly.

"Merlin, Lily," James sighed. "I care about you so much, it's too hard to describe."

Lily immediately blushed. "Ditto," she smiled.

"You use that word a lot," James pointed out to her playfully.

"Force of habit," she chuckled. "Do you want to know something strange?" she asked him.

"Good strange or bad strange?" James asked curiously.

"Good, hopefully."

"Okay then."

Lily took in a nervous breath. "You know the erised potion in, er, potions?" she laughed. "They should really name that class a different name," she mentioned. James inclined to her to carry on. "Want to know what I saw?" she murmured, her heart racing.

"Sure," James whispered back, unaware that each others heads were inching towards one another.

"You," Lily breathed, licking her lips.

"Wow," James said, his eyes oddly sparkling, "that's coincidental."

"How so?" Lily asked. They were thoroughly aware that their lips were now merely millimetres away, and again, Lily was tickling him with her breath.

"I saw you," James said. He decided to leave the factor of which he saw Lily with no clothes on, so not to ruin the moment. "Don't you just love coincidences?" James grinned impishly.

And at the end of that note, their lips finally touched. Each others mouths tingling with a kiss that had not been interrupted by nifflers. Lily somehow found her hands wandering through James' messy hair, something she dreamed she would never do or sincerely like. But hell, she liked it now. Their lips hungrily pressing against each other, something they were lustfully wishing they could do all day and never get bored. However, they suddenly broke apart, but with much force to break them, as some bright light was blinding them both. As they disjoined their mouths, both panting embarrassingly heavily, they glanced down shielding their eyes as they saw where the shining light was coming from.

"Oh Merlin," they gasped in unison, both looking startled at the dazzling light that was coming from their joined hands. They watched as the light slowly got dimmer until it finally disappeared, and, more importantly, their hands thrust separate. At this shocking event, they needed a few seconds to get their heads around what on earth had just happened.

"Kiss. Blinding light. Hands," James listed, rubbing his eyes, now with both fists. He had to admit, it was very strange.

"So," Lily began, stretching her freed fingers, "all it took to separate us was to _kiss_? I don't believe it," she said in shock.

"Neither do I," James said in awe. "I miss your hand," he said truthfully.

"I miss your hand too, although it was sweaty and sticky," Lily smiled. James made a fake shock of affront, then grabbed his hand in hers, tugging her forwards against his chest.

"Well, isn't this ironic." Lily inched her head towards James', wrapping her other arm around his neck.

"How so?" he asked, raising a brow.

"All the time our hands were stuck, we wanted to be separated. Yet, the second we do, all we want to do is hold hands," Lily grinned.

"Don't you just love irony?" James said blissfully, kissing her deeply on the lips.

"Mm, I could kiss you all day, y'know," James said, regrettably breaking away from her. "Is there a professional job for this? I could be a professional Lily-kisser," he said smoothly.

"I'd have to charge you," Lily retorted.

"How much?"

"A galleon a kiss," she smiled.

"I have eleven sickles on me," James said hopefully, as he emptied the money from his trouser pocket.

"That'll do," Lily replied, about to carry on with the smooching, but a loud sound of fumbling from the wardrobe had interrupted the moment; it sounded oddly like a caged animal.

"You heard that, right?" Lily asked James.

"Yeah," he said uncertainly. "It sounded like it was coming from the wardrobe. I don't think we should go look," he said, partly because he wanted to keep kissing her, "It might be like that muggle story where a lion and a witch pop out, or something like that."

Lily shot James an odd look, and pulled him to his feet and over to the wardrobe.

--------

Sirius and Remus sat in silence, listening for voices.

"I don't hear anything, Moony," Sirius muttered.

"That's very strange."

"There was a lot of yelling, then a slam of the door, then quiet voices, now silence," Sirius listed.

"Oh my God, we're going to die in here," Remus moaned. "Scratch that, I'm going to die in here. Then you will eat my body, and then use the bones of my carcass to play fetch with in your animagus form."

"I love that game," Sirius replied happily.

"Since we're at death's wardrobe door, I would just like to tell you something, Padfoot."

"You're undying love for me?" Sirius suggested, wincing as he felt a limb nudge him in the stomach.

"No," Remus scowled, then suddenly grinned. "You snogged a window."

Sirius looked at him blankly. "_Excuse _me?"

"You kissed a shop window. There was no girl."

"Are the words 'you kissed a shop window' some code word for, er, something else?"

"No. The flat chest-ed girl you kissed in Hogsmeade was so flat chest-ed that she was as flat as window. And actually was a window. In fact, a shop window," Remus explained. Sirius frowned at him.

"You're lying," he said, clearly in denial.

"I swear, I'm not. Witnessing you caress your tongue on a shop window is one of the most horrific experiences of my life that is scarred forever in my brain."

"You're lying," Sirius repeated again.

"Fine, then what was her name?"

"Er, I dunno! Names aren't important. Actually, she was nameless, she wasn't born with a name. She's like God, or, Merlin."

"But Merlin _is_ a name," Remus pointed out.

"I know you are, but what am I!"

"What? Why did you just say that random sentence?"

At this line, Lily cautiously stretched her hand out, and pulled the wardrobe door open with a mighty tug. James and Lily both yelped as Sirius and Remus crashed to the floor, both out-crying in pain.

"I'm not even going to ask what you were doing in there," James said disgustedly, as he eyed his two friends lying on the floor.

Remus' limbs currently laid in a tangled position. "Wow, I'm not destined to die a wardrobe after all," he said.

Sirius slowly got to his feet after much stumbling, then glanced at James and Lily whose hands he now realised were separated.

"How'd the hell did that happen?" Sirius asked in bewilderment.

"Let's just say, the princess found her frog," James grinned, pecking Lily on the cheek.

"What?"

"They kissed, Padfoot," Remus explained, as the genius he was. James and Lily quickly blushed, whole Sirius immediately brightened and smiled his trademark, cheeky grin.

"I'm so happy for you guys!" Sirius sighed brightly, and for some odd reason, he started sniffing as his eyes watered.

"Sirius, are you okay?" Lily asked cautiously, watching Sirius wipe his eyes that were now watering heavily, making the occasional sniff.

"I'm just so happy you guys finally got it on," he made another generous whiff, "I'm going to be best man, and, oh little Sirius-lina! I'm going to be an auntie-I mean, uncle!" he corrected himself.

"Are you implying I'm pregnant?" Lily asked dangerously.

"I gotta go," Sirius told them, running to the bathroom as he cried with happiness. The three made equally disturbed expressions as they watched him run to the toilet, obviously unaware that he had a hairy, animal thong stuck to his back, glued by spellotape. He shut the door, and the others distinctively heard the sound of Sirius blowing his nose on a toilet roll. James and Lily looked at Remus for some sort of an explanation.

"Um, it's that time of the month," Remus clarified. They nodded in understanding. "Well, er, I'll just be going now," he said uncomfortably, " to leave you two alone."

"Don't do the book thing," James warned him, as Remus was about to make a grab for a book, hold it over a face as if he was reading it, and make a not very suspicious exit.

"Right," Remus smiled weakly, then walked over to the bathroom to give Sirius some company. James and Lily laughed as they heard the sound of Sirius shouting "CAN'T A GUY HAVE A PEE WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED?" as Remus entered the bathroom.

"You have the strangest friends," Lily observed.

"Love me, love my friends."

"Can I love their stupidity?"

"Sure you can. I do."

Lily shook her head in amusement. "Well, I think I'm going to have a bath, I smell like nifflers," she mentioned, "don't you dare joke about joining me," she warned him.

"I would never be that dirty-minded!" James protested. Lily rolled her eyes and was about to exit the dorm but James had grabbed an arm to her waist.

"What are you doing?" Lily said suspiciously. However, she could no longer speak as she felt her ear drums burst; the cause was by James singing, as he held Lily by the waist and was now dancing with her as he swayed his hips.

"_The laaaaadddy in red, is daaaancing with meeeee_," James sang loudly, in what he thought was in tune. "_There's nooooobody here, it's just yooouu and meeee_," he chorused.

"Er, James, have you been taking Sirius' happy pills?" Lily asked chuckling, nonetheless placing her hands on James' shoulders as they swung slowly.

"_It's where I wanna be, and I reaaally knooow, there's a great booty by my siiiide_," James changed to words of the song so 'romantically'. Lily laughed, then rested her head on James shoulder as he sang into her neck softly.

"Don't take up singing as a profession," Lily murmured affectionately.

"_I'll never forget, the way you look tonight_," James sang. Lily smiled at the cheesiness, yet charming moment. "_I've never_-" James began to quaver into the second verse, but Lily quickly pressed a finger to his lips and hushed him.

"Thank God you're cute," Lily smiled, wincing slightly as her ears had been slightly deafened by his singing. She swiftly shut him up by kissing him.

All James could think of was the fact that he'd been singing his best, and exactly how many kisses he'd of get for singing his worst.

--THE END--

**WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RANDOM CHARACTERS?**

**The Nifflers-**

Niffler 'James' turned out to be a female (now named Janine) And gave birth to seven healthy nifflers. Father, niffler 'Remus' was extremely pleased.

**Jonathan and Jade- (Seventh year Gryffindor quidditch players)**

They both left Hogwarts and went on to share a flat together, happier then ever. Jonathan quit quidditch but occasionally still likes to be called 'Captain' by Jade, especially in the bedroom.

**Anna-**

Anna finally gave into Sirius' charm by seventh year, but Sirius' obsession with Professor Mcgonagall quickly ended their relationship.

Anna then gave into Remus' charm, but Remus' obsession with books quickly ended their relationship.

**Professor Mansell-**

The Potions teacher finally got it together with younger teacher Professor Lerangis of Care of Magical Creatures, but soon retired from teaching because of rude comments of her having a 'toy boy' and Dumbledore being informed that she'd been continuously lying that potions burned skin, when in fact they were harmless.

**Amber-**

After two weeks of the bald spell being cast on her, the spell unfortunately did not wear off. She now wears wigs made of niffler hair and was none too pleased that there were no wigs in blonde.


End file.
